Sure, this is Father’s Day, but it’s also Fudge Day which honest people will admit to being even nearer and dearer to their self-indulgent hearts. Fudge originated at Vassar College in the 1880′s and quickly spread to other women’s colleges throughout the region because there were no vibrators yet. C’mon, you can’t have underwear pillow fights every night, right? Not long after, shops on Mackinac Island in Michigan began cooking up the squishy goodness to sell to tourists. Suddenly, there were tourist on Mackinac Island. Coincidence? In fact, some of those shops that sold fudge in the late 1900′s are still around making bliss and SHOULD CONSIDER BECOMING SPONSORS OF A CERTAIN PODCAST. For example, the Mackinac Fudge Shop wouldn’t have to spend a dime to get us to embed a link to their website from our own. Just a bit of product every so often would certainly buy our loyalty, mercenaries that we are. Of course, the same deal goes out to Alexia Potatoes as well. And if you’re offended at the level of whoredom we’re willing to sink to, perhaps you’ve never considered what a couple of cheap whores can do to improve your life. Ask yo Momma. Also, this podcast could easily be brought to you by Prunes. We don’t think most people realize just how good prunes are. Though not as good as fudge, right Mackinac Fudge Shop?
Donald Duck – NOT appropriate for children. Never was, never will be. Fucking rage-aholic spazmatron.
This guy is one persuasive bastard. You really ought to listen to this proto-geek prune enthusiast.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Another postcard . . . with chimpanzees. Here’s Bongo, the official WCGW cook whipping up our Thursday night after podcast meal. Please Alexia Potatoes . . . PLEASE save us from this fate!
Not unlike Oliver Queen, What Could Go Wrong? is alive. Too bad we aren’t coming back from an island in the South China Sea to our mansion in Sparrow City and leisurely life as billionaire playboys. Nah, we’re not back from anywhere but the other room, returning to our hectic lives as the working poor. And the only arrows around this place have suction cups on the business ends. Oh Arrow, how is it you live so much better than we do? Why is it you ride motorcycles and every woman you meet has amazing tits? Why is it that your jaw is so square and chin so rugged? Why do you mother and sister both have that weird matching mole above their lip? But there is one area of life where we have the upper hand, Oliver Queen. Because of sponsored product placement, you and everyone you know, including that hot blonde hacker chick that you should totally go for, are using Microsoft tablets and PCs running Windows 8. Ha-Ha! Phooey on you, Mr. Costumed Hero, your compu-shit is shit. We may be nothing but impoverished podcasters, but at least we have Power Books and iPads! Suck on that, archer-boy!
Anyway, we’re back.
When is America going to live up to its commitments?
Just how the hell old IS Oscar anyway?
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For Mother’s Day why not give the domestic goddess in your life the Gibson 6000 oven? See it here cleverly demonstrated by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.
Please shut your mouth and open your ears for this week’s podcast. You will be informed of strange news stories, bombarded with endless cat puns, treated to musical outros and told a true tale of a crazy cat lady. Sit back, fry up your plate of roadkill, turn on your pizza tracker, and enjoy What Could Go Wrong!
Hey buddy! We can see you over here! You know we can see you? Hey! Yo, buddy!
Huzzah! If we all do the chores together, we can all have fun together when we’re done! Is there anything more wonderful than Your Family (1948)?
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This cat is so beautiful. So sweet, and loving and beautiful. We’re never going to see him again, and it’s just breaking our hearts. We started this podcast just for him, and now he’s gone. Gone forever.
March Madness has hit our podcast! Well, not really. We hate sports. We just have various mental illnesses this week and have gone absolutely bonkers! Well, not really. But we are full of bounce and true enthusiasm! Well, not really. But you will learn about the results of important scientific studies! Well, not really. Although you can hear about what a hottie Skullard is. Really!
Everyone could use a bit more Wodehouse in their lives. BBC One just did a wonderful Blandings series, much of which you could probably find on YouTube, if you were so inclined.
This is the hag Skullard saw at the grocery store. If you don’t see the hag, look again until you do.
Is it simply snow and ice or is it an impending doom. Behold Winter’s sword of Damocles.
Teenagers, beware! Drinking booze will ruin your life and blow up your brain perhaps! Don’t believe me? See the proof by watching Alcohol Is Dynamite (1958)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: who wouldn’t want to have children when they’re as precious and adorable as THIS? Oh, come on. You might as well.
This episode of What Could Go Wrong will astound you! Learn about identity theft, blasphemous toilet paper, and stupid individuals filled with violent rage. Skullard pays off his student loans, while Luka recounts a scary story about her time alone at a truck stop burger shack. Your mind will boggle, and you may become hungry for pizza.
This week’s bad movie is The Hands of a Stranger (1962), a screwy little film about an arrogant piano player who gets a bizarre hand transplant and starts to go crazy. He may have been a little crazy anyway, so it’s not a long trip. Please enjoy some murderous clips as he “accidentally” kills his slutty girlfriend and a cheerful little boy. You know… like you do.
Network television has decided to take two of the most iconic killers of filmdom and piss on them by making prequals. A&E, usually the most trusted name in TV drama, is going to give us chibi-Norman with its Bates Motel. Let me guess: is Joan from Mad Men going to check in and take a shower? Actually, I’d tune in to watch that.
And then NBC wants to serve us up a whole new Hannibal, the very idea of which is hard to stomach. Why? Seriously, NBC, why change a classic recipe? Rather than remix, what say you just stick to what you know we already have a taste for, i.e. Grimm.
Life gets easier for a happy family when they decide to share the housework. Doesn’t that sound fun maybe? Whee! Please enjoy today’s bonus educational short; Sharing Work At Home (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m pretty sure this is the first postcard I ever bought that I looked at and said, “Hmmm, I should get more of these.” Postcards, I meant, not brains. But this picture from the Cornell Brain Institute does prove that postcards aren’t the craziest thing to collect. I got this card back when I was in college and I retained it, which is more than I can say about the things I learned in college. Okay, I do remember one thing I learned: don’t date the first girl who’s willing to date you. You tend to remember the lessons you learn the hard way. Then again, just because you forget things doesn’t mean you don’t end up paying for them for the next 20 years. Could have been worse though; I could have gotten that chick pregnant and I’d still be paying for it today. So let this be a lesson to you, kids: postcards and vasectomies . . . two investments that truly pay off in the long run.
After a long hiatus (gawd, how I love that word!), we’re back. February was the month of things Going Wrong, but our colds have mostly run their courses and we’re ready to talk into microphones and make each other giggle. Thank you for sticking with us through our personal plague. We’re excited to get back to it, because “We Are Never Give Up!” Black Mirror is haunting, scary, troubling and all-around amazing television. We can’t recommend this show enough. Find it. If you can watch it legally, all the better. Do what you gotta do.
Utopia is beautiful, as you would expect with a title like that. But it’s also a dark story full of conspiracy and betrayal. Again, you’re going to want to see this. Make it happen.
Remember Bjorn Wok? Skullard didn’t, even though we talked all about him back on Episode 008!
Do you feel useless, doing nothing all day but put shoes away? Well, cheer up, stupid! Your job is important! Please feel good about yourself by watching You And Your Work (1948)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This image promoting the need for nurses in wartime has nothing really to do with anything we talked about on this week’s podcast. What we did bring up several times during the episode was blow jobs, which has nothing to do . . . with . . . yeah.
It’s true that 45% of Americans believe in ghosts and 77% believe in angels. The majority of Americans (almost 70%) are ready to accept the idea of Climate Change, but even more have accepted that you can’t go swimming after eating and you need to check your kid’s Halloween candy for razor blades. And nobody around here accepts the metric system. News flash: you do NOT lose the majority of body heat through your head! Swallowed gum does NOT stay in your stomach for seven years! The “Five Second Rule” is bullshit, so stop eating off the floor, ya slob! It’s embarrassing some of the garbage we believe all because some joker told us something stupid and we didn’t have the spine to say, “Sez who?” Maybe there’s hope in the fact that every kid now has a mobile device with access to Google. Perhaps there will come a day when religion and bigotry will be replaced by crowd-sourcing. But until that day comes, be very careful who you trust when it comes to the dissemination of truth. We’ll never lie to you. We’ll never tell you that a camel stores water in its hump or that men have one rib fewer than women. We’re all about the truth around here, and if you’re going to believe something, believe in us . . . the podcast called What Could Go Wrong? Or not.
We told you all about Kai, the heroic hatchet-weilding hitch-hiker that is our new King of Awesome. But you really need to hear him tell the story in his own fuckin’ words, yo.
The Cookie Monster has returned the Golden Biscuit. No, this isn’t a children’s book. What we want to know is, how the blazes did he get it up there on that horse without anyone seeing?
Duff Goldman out classes all local pastery chefs, both with his amazing talent, and with his humanity.
Party In My Pants is a place where you can buy artistic, designer menstrual pads. Before you scoff, give it a look!
A well-groomed doctor lectures a sore loser and his fussbudget mother that his sister’s illness is all due to psychosomatic bullshit. And for this, he made a house call. Watch Attitudes and Health (1949) and find out how being a whiney little bitch is a medical condition.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are we sad, but we’re pretty freakin’ passive-agressive. What, did my MOM design this card!?! Church and Guilt, hand in glove . . . Momma would be so proud.
Are you ready for some ROLE-PLAYING!?! Yeah, today is Super Bowl Sunday and we kinda went off about how we didn’t give a shit and were going to have our own Super ROLL Sunday. And maybe, just perhaps, all our talk about nymph queens and the Fey Realm, armor class and vorpal swords, elves and spells sounded like a bunch of nonsense and nerdery. If our inside chatter about fantasy role-playing sounded like rubbish to you, than you now have about 0.02% of the frustration that we non-football people have been putting up with for the last several weeks. The only reason there isn’t a Super Bowl for people who like to roll dice and pretend to be Barbarian/Rogues is because you can’t place bets on a D&D game. If you could call a bookie and wager your week’s wages on a dungeon crawl, all of a sudden there would be corporate sponsorships and network contracts. Kids who carry dice bags around in high school would get scouted for university scholarships and professors would let them breeze through class because of their high “Detect Traps” scores. Cheerleaders would dress as dryads and succubi, which wouldn’t be a terrible thing. And ESPN would run coverage like, “I don’t know, Jim, he’ll have to roll a 17 or higher if he wants to get a critical hit on that Mind Flayer. If he can’t do double damage on this round, it’s looking like the ol’ brain suck for one of this season’s most promising paladins.” Sure, football is a celebration savage brutality and tribalism, but take away the point spread and it all goes away. If people can’t drop money on games, all you’re left with are mobs of well-drilled fighters wearing matching tunics over their padded armor. And any decent 8th level wizard with an Overland Flight spell and a wand of Fireball could cook those losers in four rounds. TWO, if he’s Hasted.
Hey look, our Mailman’s been here!
Steve Lowe, part time Batman and all-around great guy, ousted some trouble-makers from a chip shop with the help of Buzz Lightyear a.k.a Shane Lee. When duty calls, these fancy dress heroes are ready for action! A grateful Aria Nouri poses here with the guys who came to his rescue. “The youngsters had been drinking, but nobody thought about throwing a punch at Batman.”
“C” is for Cookie. “R” is for Ransom Note. And if you want to see your precious golden cookie emblem again, Balsen Biscuit Company, you’ll pay up . . . in COOKIES!
Behold, the weapon in question! A six-year-old girl offered to shoot bubbles at a friend at school with her Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. She got suspended for being a violent threat. It’s like the Prophet Carlin said: “They want to ban toy guns . . . AND THEY’RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES!“
C’mon, Hello Kitty’s not a threat! Sure, she packs a wallop with that ICHIGO PUNCH!, but as long as you’re not a bad guy or school administrator, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
“Oh Golly Mom, why doesn’t Jeff ever call me? He knows I’m just waiting by the phone!”
“It’s because he knows you’re on the hook, Marie. He can skank around all he wants because he knows you’re in his back pocket.”
“Aw gee. But how would he feel if I did that to him, Mother?”
“That would make you a whore, dear. I much prefer you as a sweet little doormat, Marie. Now when Jeff does call, don’t forget to put out like we discussed.”
Watch Marie and Jeff struggle with the rampant evil that is parental support in Going Steady? (1951)
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, no cheap jokes about some guy offering his weiner to a woman who looks for all the world like his mother. No comment on how the woman opens her mouth wide at the approach of the meat or how her bun is so wontonly open and receptive. How about some more serious questions like, for example, isn’t that a LOT of apples for that size table? Are they really going to eat all those? Why’s the guy grilling some buns, but her buns are raw? (Luka sez, “YOU’RE buns are raw!”) Shoud he really have his iced tea so close to the heat? And where’s she supposed to set her glass, huh? Like I said before, that’s a small table. Are those chips Sour Cream and Onion, or just regular? Where the fuck’s the mustard? And when did Steve Cox pose for postcards?
Have you ever ran naked on a stranger’s roof? Have you ever dumped the contents of a vacuum before having warning shots fired over your head? Have you ever been tasered after rubbing children’s laundry on your face? Well, what have you been doing with your life, loser? Maybe it’s time you started listening to those voices from the internet. Maybe it’s time you stuffed Satan in a bottle, stuck it in your book bag, and stike out into the world like a bold member of Seal Team Six. Live a little. Offer a dollar to one stripper, then give it to a whole different stripper. Provoke a healthy dialogue. Light 27 metric tons of goat cheese on fire in a tunnel. Be the first on your block to do so! Life is such a fleeting specter; embrace the chaos of existance while you still have breath. Damn the consequences! Full steam ahead! What Could Go Wrong?*
Calling this little person “Sinful” is understating it just a tad. The Sinful Dwarf (1973) stitches together our shameful ill-ease for the diminuitive with the natural repulsion we feel for sexual victimization of the vulnerable. In other words, izza larf riot! Jack Black’s shrunken doppleganger lurches and lears his way through this exploitation flick, wringing his hands and chortling like the pint-sized second coming of Snydley Whiplash. Bare bodies abound in this debauched bordello, run by the S.D.’s mother, a sloppy chanteuse who hooks hotties on heroine before chaining them in the attic to serve as sexual punching clowns. Whee! Not really so much of a horror film as a horrific one. Here’s the trailer, because really, you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight, were you?
Sweetie wants to take you to lunch with the brand new credit card she got in the mail. Looks real enough to her. It even has a special space for her name!
Netflix is premiering it’s brand new series House of Cards on February 1st. And it has Kevin Spacey in it. What else do ya have to know?
Watch this educational short. Watch it carefully. Did Bob steal, or didn’t he? Would you rat him out, or wouldn’t you? Are you going to gossip about it, or keep your gob shut? Find out by viewing How Honest Are You (1950);
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This card is called “The Cheesemakers” which may make you think they’re blessed, but really they don’t know Jack. They may look like Farmers and they might have Feta Goat or two, but these Curds are far from Sharp and thick as a Brick. No one gives Edam about their mindless Cheddar. Havarti tell you about the time he Fontina and Brie doing a Four In One which made Hubbertson Bleu. Ricotta story about Loraine on his Lappi swears is true. “Oh Gouda, looks like I Gruyere Muenster Longhorn there,” she giggled. “Get off me ya Laughing Cow,” he yelled, if you can believe him. That kind of story’s hard to Provolone. I could String together more of these Singles stories Tillamook lost his Marble, but I have to get back Toma Precious Swiss Loleta.
Behind the Scenes: an actual production note.
* Whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com is not responsible for reckless, idiodic behavior on the part of it’s readers or listeners. We don’t want any trouble. You fuck up, that’s your own look out. In fact, we don’t even know you. We don’t clean up the messes of fucking nit-wits. Do what you need to do and leave us out of it. Asshole.
In the year 1529, Count Alfonse Piertro Maggiano marched his army to surround the Tuscan village of Pernatucci and lay siege to it. Using his superior force to cut the hamlet off from outside supplies and access to the river, the Count gave the frightened townsfolk a simple choice: “Surrender or die.” Pernatucci’s mayor, Guiseppi D’Angelini came out from the city’s meager walls to negotiate with Count Maggiano.
“Really? Surrender or die, huh? No third option?”
“C’mon, ya kiddin’ me? Yer fucked. Give up already.”
“Why ya gotta be like that? ‘Or DIE!’ ya sez. Don’cha think that’s a bit over the top?”
“Look, how often does a guy get to say that in life? I mean, here I am, sittin’ pretty, and yer all hosed. I’m grabbing life by the short and curlies, my friend. I’m living the dream. So fuckin’ surrender or goddamn die, them’s your options.”
“Okay, okay, you’ve had your little moment, right? You got to deliver your line. I’m glad you’re happy. Now how ’bout spreading a little of that joy and letting up just a bit, huh? I mean, c’mon, we’ve got what? Four, maybe five cows? A nice fountain? My friend Tony makes a comfy boot. Is that what you want? You wanna kill a bunch of country rubes for some quality footwear?”
“I didn’t know you guys made boots.”
“Just Tony. He tried to get his kid to join the business but da little shit ran off ta Paloma to chase skirt.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen. I spent a year or two in Paloma. Some really choice tail.”
“Good fer you. Look, Alfie . . . can I call you Alfie? No? Okay, Your Countness then. Look, we gots jack shit. We would’ve just moved da whole town a couple of years ago, but, y’know, some of us have pets and you just can’t uproot a cat like that, y’know what I mean?”
“I got no idea the fuck you’re talking about. Would ya just give up already?”
“Sorry man, can’t swing it. You’re gonna hafta kill us.”
“Tell ya what . . . how ’bout we say ‘Death or cake’?”
“What, you shitting me? You some kinda transvestite comedian now? Yer offerin’ us cake?”
“No, yer gonna give ME cake. Me and my boys. Really big, really nice cake. Then I let ya live, how about that?”
“My dear Count . . . I’m only gonna say this once: you can have my cake when ya pry it outta my cold dead ass.”
“You sure there ain’t someone else in town I can talk to?”
“Want me to send out Tony?”
“Yeah, you do that. And tell ‘im ta bring me something in a 9-D.”
The cobbler Antonio Stefina only made boots for sizes 12 and up and couldn’t bake a cake to save his life, as it turned out. Not even a cobbler, which was ironic. To this day, the Pernatucci fountain is all that remains of the little village. A plaque on the fountain encourages the reader in bold letters: NEVER GIVE UP! No one’s sure why it’s written in English.
Brainiac (1962) brings the art of arching an eyebrow to a whole new level. Baron Vitelius is one bad ass S.O.B. He’s got witchcraft. He’s got da bitches. He’s got some goo-goo-googly eyes. It’s no wonder the Inquisition has to put this guy to death. But does the Baron go quietly into that good night? Aw, hellz no! Just as he’s being burned at the stake he hitches a ride on a comet and travels through space until he can swing back around three centuries later to exact vengence on the decendants of those who didn’t even kill him to begin with. Reasonable, right? Oh yeah, and he’s a brain-sucking monster now. And rich. Apparently, just before hopping that comet, he put a nickle in his savings account and through the miracle of compound interest he comes back to a fortune. How do you defeat a magical moster with a hankerin’ for headcheese? Find out in this Pretty Good Unintentionally Mexican Bad Movie. Here’s a trailer:
Cheesecake Factory’s Bistro Shrimp Pasta has 3,120 calories, 89 grams of saturated fat, 1,076 milligrams of sodium and comes with a side of Type 2 diabetes.
Another of the C.F.’s high-risk favorites is the Crispy Chicken Costoletta with the same amount of calories as an entire 12 piece bucket of KFC and double the fat. But unlike the KFC bucket, no one expects you to share your Costoletta.
Maggiano’s Little Italy has a Chocolate Zuccotto Cake that weighs one pound per slice and is the equivilant of 15 Hostess Ho Hos. The village of Pernatucci was destroyed to acquire the recipe for this cake.
Johnny Rockets’ Bacon Cheddar Double Hamburger has more calories than three of McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. Instead of a side of fries, it should come with a waiver.
I understand you have an unusual pencil, Jim. I’d like your advice. There are a great many individuals around here, and they’re all growing up. I’ve been watching them. Sometimes they act like children. How the hell old are you really? It’s time to find out by viewing this week’s educational short; Act Your Age (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yep, this is an exploitive souvenier postcard from a long-ago side show act. But now, it might as well be the family photo sent out with the yearly Christmas card. Take a good look: none of these professional chubs would garner a second glance if you saw them at the Sam’s Club, would they? Now we see the freak show every day.