March Madness has hit our podcast! Well, not really. We hate sports. We just have various mental illnesses this week and have gone absolutely bonkers! Well, not really. But we are full of bounce and true enthusiasm! Well, not really. But you will learn about the results of important scientific studies! Well, not really. Although you can hear about what a hottie Skullard is. Really!
Everyone could use a bit more Wodehouse in their lives. BBC One just did a wonderful Blandings series, much of which you could probably find on YouTube, if you were so inclined.
This is the hag Skullard saw at the grocery store. If you don’t see the hag, look again until you do.
Is it simply snow and ice or is it an impending doom. Behold Winter’s sword of Damocles.
Teenagers, beware! Drinking booze will ruin your life and blow up your brain perhaps! Don’t believe me? See the proof by watching Alcohol Is Dynamite (1958)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: who wouldn’t want to have children when they’re as precious and adorable as THIS? Oh, come on. You might as well.
This episode of What Could Go Wrong will astound you! Learn about identity theft, blasphemous toilet paper, and stupid individuals filled with violent rage. Skullard pays off his student loans, while Luka recounts a scary story about her time alone at a truck stop burger shack. Your mind will boggle, and you may become hungry for pizza.
This week’s bad movie is The Hands of a Stranger (1962), a screwy little film about an arrogant piano player who gets a bizarre hand transplant and starts to go crazy. He may have been a little crazy anyway, so it’s not a long trip. Please enjoy some murderous clips as he “accidentally” kills his slutty girlfriend and a cheerful little boy. You know… like you do.
Network television has decided to take two of the most iconic killers of filmdom and piss on them by making prequals. A&E, usually the most trusted name in TV drama, is going to give us chibi-Norman with its Bates Motel. Let me guess: is Joan from Mad Men going to check in and take a shower? Actually, I’d tune in to watch that.
And then NBC wants to serve us up a whole new Hannibal, the very idea of which is hard to stomach. Why? Seriously, NBC, why change a classic recipe? Rather than remix, what say you just stick to what you know we already have a taste for, i.e. Grimm.
Life gets easier for a happy family when they decide to share the housework. Doesn’t that sound fun maybe? Whee! Please enjoy today’s bonus educational short; Sharing Work At Home (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m pretty sure this is the first postcard I ever bought that I looked at and said, “Hmmm, I should get more of these.” Postcards, I meant, not brains. But this picture from the Cornell Brain Institute does prove that postcards aren’t the craziest thing to collect. I got this card back when I was in college and I retained it, which is more than I can say about the things I learned in college. Okay, I do remember one thing I learned: don’t date the first girl who’s willing to date you. You tend to remember the lessons you learn the hard way. Then again, just because you forget things doesn’t mean you don’t end up paying for them for the next 20 years. Could have been worse though; I could have gotten that chick pregnant and I’d still be paying for it today. So let this be a lesson to you, kids: postcards and vasectomies . . . two investments that truly pay off in the long run.
After a long hiatus (gawd, how I love that word!), we’re back. February was the month of things Going Wrong, but our colds have mostly run their courses and we’re ready to talk into microphones and make each other giggle. Thank you for sticking with us through our personal plague. We’re excited to get back to it, because “We Are Never Give Up!” Black Mirror is haunting, scary, troubling and all-around amazing television. We can’t recommend this show enough. Find it. If you can watch it legally, all the better. Do what you gotta do.
Utopia is beautiful, as you would expect with a title like that. But it’s also a dark story full of conspiracy and betrayal. Again, you’re going to want to see this. Make it happen.
Remember Bjorn Wok? Skullard didn’t, even though we talked all about him back on Episode 008!
Do you feel useless, doing nothing all day but put shoes away? Well, cheer up, stupid! Your job is important! Please feel good about yourself by watching You And Your Work (1948)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This image promoting the need for nurses in wartime has nothing really to do with anything we talked about on this week’s podcast. What we did bring up several times during the episode was blow jobs, which has nothing to do . . . with . . . yeah.
Are you ready for some ROLE-PLAYING!?! Yeah, today is Super Bowl Sunday and we kinda went off about how we didn’t give a shit and were going to have our own Super ROLL Sunday. And maybe, just perhaps, all our talk about nymph queens and the Fey Realm, armor class and vorpal swords, elves and spells sounded like a bunch of nonsense and nerdery. If our inside chatter about fantasy role-playing sounded like rubbish to you, than you now have about 0.02% of the frustration that we non-football people have been putting up with for the last several weeks. The only reason there isn’t a Super Bowl for people who like to roll dice and pretend to be Barbarian/Rogues is because you can’t place bets on a D&D game. If you could call a bookie and wager your week’s wages on a dungeon crawl, all of a sudden there would be corporate sponsorships and network contracts. Kids who carry dice bags around in high school would get scouted for university scholarships and professors would let them breeze through class because of their high “Detect Traps” scores. Cheerleaders would dress as dryads and succubi, which wouldn’t be a terrible thing. And ESPN would run coverage like, “I don’t know, Jim, he’ll have to roll a 17 or higher if he wants to get a critical hit on that Mind Flayer. If he can’t do double damage on this round, it’s looking like the ol’ brain suck for one of this season’s most promising paladins.” Sure, football is a celebration savage brutality and tribalism, but take away the point spread and it all goes away. If people can’t drop money on games, all you’re left with are mobs of well-drilled fighters wearing matching tunics over their padded armor. And any decent 8th level wizard with an Overland Flight spell and a wand of Fireball could cook those losers in four rounds. TWO, if he’s Hasted.
Hey look, our Mailman’s been here!
Steve Lowe, part time Batman and all-around great guy, ousted some trouble-makers from a chip shop with the help of Buzz Lightyear a.k.a Shane Lee. When duty calls, these fancy dress heroes are ready for action! A grateful Aria Nouri poses here with the guys who came to his rescue. “The youngsters had been drinking, but nobody thought about throwing a punch at Batman.”
“C” is for Cookie. “R” is for Ransom Note. And if you want to see your precious golden cookie emblem again, Balsen Biscuit Company, you’ll pay up . . . in COOKIES!
Behold, the weapon in question! A six-year-old girl offered to shoot bubbles at a friend at school with her Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. She got suspended for being a violent threat. It’s like the Prophet Carlin said: “They want to ban toy guns . . . AND THEY’RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES!“
C’mon, Hello Kitty’s not a threat! Sure, she packs a wallop with that ICHIGO PUNCH!, but as long as you’re not a bad guy or school administrator, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
“Oh Golly Mom, why doesn’t Jeff ever call me? He knows I’m just waiting by the phone!”
“It’s because he knows you’re on the hook, Marie. He can skank around all he wants because he knows you’re in his back pocket.”
“Aw gee. But how would he feel if I did that to him, Mother?”
“That would make you a whore, dear. I much prefer you as a sweet little doormat, Marie. Now when Jeff does call, don’t forget to put out like we discussed.”
Watch Marie and Jeff struggle with the rampant evil that is parental support in Going Steady? (1951)
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, no cheap jokes about some guy offering his weiner to a woman who looks for all the world like his mother. No comment on how the woman opens her mouth wide at the approach of the meat or how her bun is so wontonly open and receptive. How about some more serious questions like, for example, isn’t that a LOT of apples for that size table? Are they really going to eat all those? Why’s the guy grilling some buns, but her buns are raw? (Luka sez, “YOU’RE buns are raw!”) Shoud he really have his iced tea so close to the heat? And where’s she supposed to set her glass, huh? Like I said before, that’s a small table. Are those chips Sour Cream and Onion, or just regular? Where the fuck’s the mustard? And when did Steve Cox pose for postcards?
Have you ever ran naked on a stranger’s roof? Have you ever dumped the contents of a vacuum before having warning shots fired over your head? Have you ever been tasered after rubbing children’s laundry on your face? Well, what have you been doing with your life, loser? Maybe it’s time you started listening to those voices from the internet. Maybe it’s time you stuffed Satan in a bottle, stuck it in your book bag, and stike out into the world like a bold member of Seal Team Six. Live a little. Offer a dollar to one stripper, then give it to a whole different stripper. Provoke a healthy dialogue. Light 27 metric tons of goat cheese on fire in a tunnel. Be the first on your block to do so! Life is such a fleeting specter; embrace the chaos of existance while you still have breath. Damn the consequences! Full steam ahead! What Could Go Wrong?*
Calling this little person “Sinful” is understating it just a tad. The Sinful Dwarf (1973) stitches together our shameful ill-ease for the diminuitive with the natural repulsion we feel for sexual victimization of the vulnerable. In other words, izza larf riot! Jack Black’s shrunken doppleganger lurches and lears his way through this exploitation flick, wringing his hands and chortling like the pint-sized second coming of Snydley Whiplash. Bare bodies abound in this debauched bordello, run by the S.D.’s mother, a sloppy chanteuse who hooks hotties on heroine before chaining them in the attic to serve as sexual punching clowns. Whee! Not really so much of a horror film as a horrific one. Here’s the trailer, because really, you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight, were you?
Sweetie wants to take you to lunch with the brand new credit card she got in the mail. Looks real enough to her. It even has a special space for her name!
Netflix is premiering it’s brand new series House of Cards on February 1st. And it has Kevin Spacey in it. What else do ya have to know?
Watch this educational short. Watch it carefully. Did Bob steal, or didn’t he? Would you rat him out, or wouldn’t you? Are you going to gossip about it, or keep your gob shut? Find out by viewing How Honest Are You (1950);
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This card is called “The Cheesemakers” which may make you think they’re blessed, but really they don’t know Jack. They may look like Farmers and they might have Feta Goat or two, but these Curds are far from Sharp and thick as a Brick. No one gives Edam about their mindless Cheddar. Havarti tell you about the time he Fontina and Brie doing a Four In One which made Hubbertson Bleu. Ricotta story about Loraine on his Lappi swears is true. “Oh Gouda, looks like I Gruyere Muenster Longhorn there,” she giggled. “Get off me ya Laughing Cow,” he yelled, if you can believe him. That kind of story’s hard to Provolone. I could String together more of these Singles stories Tillamook lost his Marble, but I have to get back Toma Precious Swiss Loleta.
Behind the Scenes: an actual production note.
* Whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com is not responsible for reckless, idiodic behavior on the part of it’s readers or listeners. We don’t want any trouble. You fuck up, that’s your own look out. In fact, we don’t even know you. We don’t clean up the messes of fucking nit-wits. Do what you need to do and leave us out of it. Asshole.
In the year 1529, Count Alfonse Piertro Maggiano marched his army to surround the Tuscan village of Pernatucci and lay siege to it. Using his superior force to cut the hamlet off from outside supplies and access to the river, the Count gave the frightened townsfolk a simple choice: “Surrender or die.” Pernatucci’s mayor, Guiseppi D’Angelini came out from the city’s meager walls to negotiate with Count Maggiano.
“Really? Surrender or die, huh? No third option?”
“C’mon, ya kiddin’ me? Yer fucked. Give up already.”
“Why ya gotta be like that? ‘Or DIE!’ ya sez. Don’cha think that’s a bit over the top?”
“Look, how often does a guy get to say that in life? I mean, here I am, sittin’ pretty, and yer all hosed. I’m grabbing life by the short and curlies, my friend. I’m living the dream. So fuckin’ surrender or goddamn die, them’s your options.”
“Okay, okay, you’ve had your little moment, right? You got to deliver your line. I’m glad you’re happy. Now how ’bout spreading a little of that joy and letting up just a bit, huh? I mean, c’mon, we’ve got what? Four, maybe five cows? A nice fountain? My friend Tony makes a comfy boot. Is that what you want? You wanna kill a bunch of country rubes for some quality footwear?”
“I didn’t know you guys made boots.”
“Just Tony. He tried to get his kid to join the business but da little shit ran off ta Paloma to chase skirt.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen. I spent a year or two in Paloma. Some really choice tail.”
“Good fer you. Look, Alfie . . . can I call you Alfie? No? Okay, Your Countness then. Look, we gots jack shit. We would’ve just moved da whole town a couple of years ago, but, y’know, some of us have pets and you just can’t uproot a cat like that, y’know what I mean?”
“I got no idea the fuck you’re talking about. Would ya just give up already?”
“Sorry man, can’t swing it. You’re gonna hafta kill us.”
“Tell ya what . . . how ’bout we say ‘Death or cake’?”
“What, you shitting me? You some kinda transvestite comedian now? Yer offerin’ us cake?”
“No, yer gonna give ME cake. Me and my boys. Really big, really nice cake. Then I let ya live, how about that?”
“My dear Count . . . I’m only gonna say this once: you can have my cake when ya pry it outta my cold dead ass.”
“You sure there ain’t someone else in town I can talk to?”
“Want me to send out Tony?”
“Yeah, you do that. And tell ‘im ta bring me something in a 9-D.”
The cobbler Antonio Stefina only made boots for sizes 12 and up and couldn’t bake a cake to save his life, as it turned out. Not even a cobbler, which was ironic. To this day, the Pernatucci fountain is all that remains of the little village. A plaque on the fountain encourages the reader in bold letters: NEVER GIVE UP! No one’s sure why it’s written in English.
Brainiac (1962) brings the art of arching an eyebrow to a whole new level. Baron Vitelius is one bad ass S.O.B. He’s got witchcraft. He’s got da bitches. He’s got some goo-goo-googly eyes. It’s no wonder the Inquisition has to put this guy to death. But does the Baron go quietly into that good night? Aw, hellz no! Just as he’s being burned at the stake he hitches a ride on a comet and travels through space until he can swing back around three centuries later to exact vengence on the decendants of those who didn’t even kill him to begin with. Reasonable, right? Oh yeah, and he’s a brain-sucking monster now. And rich. Apparently, just before hopping that comet, he put a nickle in his savings account and through the miracle of compound interest he comes back to a fortune. How do you defeat a magical moster with a hankerin’ for headcheese? Find out in this Pretty Good Unintentionally Mexican Bad Movie. Here’s a trailer:
Cheesecake Factory’s Bistro Shrimp Pasta has 3,120 calories, 89 grams of saturated fat, 1,076 milligrams of sodium and comes with a side of Type 2 diabetes.
Another of the C.F.’s high-risk favorites is the Crispy Chicken Costoletta with the same amount of calories as an entire 12 piece bucket of KFC and double the fat. But unlike the KFC bucket, no one expects you to share your Costoletta.
Maggiano’s Little Italy has a Chocolate Zuccotto Cake that weighs one pound per slice and is the equivilant of 15 Hostess Ho Hos. The village of Pernatucci was destroyed to acquire the recipe for this cake.
Johnny Rockets’ Bacon Cheddar Double Hamburger has more calories than three of McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. Instead of a side of fries, it should come with a waiver.
I understand you have an unusual pencil, Jim. I’d like your advice. There are a great many individuals around here, and they’re all growing up. I’ve been watching them. Sometimes they act like children. How the hell old are you really? It’s time to find out by viewing this week’s educational short; Act Your Age (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yep, this is an exploitive souvenier postcard from a long-ago side show act. But now, it might as well be the family photo sent out with the yearly Christmas card. Take a good look: none of these professional chubs would garner a second glance if you saw them at the Sam’s Club, would they? Now we see the freak show every day.
Please open your hymnals to hymn number 286: “I Surrender All”.
All to you guys I surrender,
All to you I freely give,
I will ever be what you want,
For acceptance daily live.
I surrender aaaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaaaall,
I will be just what’s expected . . . I surrender all.
All to this church I surrender,
I’ll do anything to fit,
Never mind what God has made me,
Without church I’m worthless shit,
I surrender aaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaall,
Who I am inside means nothing . . . I surrender all.
Oh no! This week’s Bad Movie vividly depicts axe murders! Also chicken and hog farming! And there’s a dairy in there somewhere. And if that doesn’t scare you, learning about what a bitchy diva Joan Crawford was probably will. Luka enjoys the Good Unintenionally Bad Movie Strait-Jacket (1964)! (Please take it easy. Have a glass of milk. It’ll relax you.)
Behold the infamous Kitty-Net! Hello Kitty’s catch-phrase is, “You can never have too many friends,” and we intend to test the limits of that theory. HIDDEN PUZZLE! One of these things is not like the others. Can YOU find the hidden alien thing?
Luka is world champion of “Hello Kitty Cafe” . . . for the moment. Might as well document he #1 standing while we can.
Luka just plays HK Cafe for funzies, but make no mistake: Kitty is in it to win it!
Once again, Kevin MacLeod goes for the epic sound in this brand new offering for 2013.
Why take care of your own pet if someone else will do it for you? Why struggle with your lessons if you can get Dad to help? This is an easy way to get by. Please observe as befuddled teenagers realize just how useless they are with this week’s educational short; Developing Self-Reliance (1951)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, they do mean every Sunday. You don’t want to miss a single offering, er, service. And do note the “faithful unto death” reference at the bottom. That’s the evangelical version of a “soft sell”.
DO NOT IGNORE THIS OR YOU WILL DIE! Continue reading, because if you don’t you will suffer the full consequences of death even if you just clicked this link hoping to see boobs. In 1973, on or about the date of May 23rd at 7pm a little girl was killed at 4:15. She was beaten to death with a broken clock. A man jumped out of the sewer and murdered the girl and killed her also. What I’m saying is she’s dead, Jackson, and her name was Eve. The man from the sewer then threw Eve into the sewer and no one knew what happened to her until a very sick boy in the hospital began asking for more soup. The nurses knew the boy must be haunted because they had tasted the soup, so they threw him in the mental ward until he was 18. On his 18th birthday, his parents died of boredom and when the staff told the boy who’s name was Rancid Pete what had happened to his parents, he said, “Eve did it.” They let him out the next day, and with his brand new birthday knife he began killing everyone who doesn’t post this link to 10 other websites in the next 20 minutes. If you share this with 10 websites in the next five minutes, a hooker will come to your door and blow you for a doughnut. If you’re a woman, she’ll give you a crumb cake and you don’t have to do anything for it unless you really, really want to, it’s up to you, no pressure. If you post this to 10 other websites in two and a half minutes, you’ll receive 2 dozen friend requests on Game Center. THIS IS NOT FAKE! DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! Lucy Albimowitz of Rock Creek, NM got scared and didn’t pass this on to anybody and no one’s heard of her until now! Arlen Dempsey broke the chain and wound up having to blow Rancid Pete for a doughnut AND dying! If you break the chain you will see a dead little girl in your bedroom tonight who won’t be Eve but some other kid and who do you think you are that you deserve Eve herself, huh? She’s busy. And she’d make your room smell like sewer, so count your blessings and introduce yourself to the dead kid in the next 53 minutes and she’ll either say “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” which we’re guessing you don’t get to hear much either way due to the relationship problems you’ve been having from breaking chains like this one. But if you’re feeling lucky . . . well, go ahead Mr. Daredevil and don’t share this with anybody. You’re so smart, you don’t believe any of this, do you? Ignore it all, What Could Go Wrong? Rancid Pete didn’t believe either . . . until hedid!
A boy and a girl run away from a fun fair. A boy and a girl and a bunch of other idiots. A boy and a girl in a haunted zombie time warp. A boy and a girl in a what the fuck is this crap? Shake it up, shake it up, ooh, that’s the recipe for this film. That’s the recipe for Bloody New Year (1987).
Here the owner of Lyndon’s Soda Fountain shows a couple of the candy cigarettes that brought the heat down on her. So you can’t sell such corrupting wares in St. Paul, MN. But, if you have eleven bucks for 24 packs, Amazon will send ‘em right to your door, so no worries kids!
So a dentist sexually harasses an attractive employee and even sends her a lewd text message before his wife finds out. So what does he do, apologize? Nah, just fire the lady. I mean, it’s all her fault, right? That’s what the Iowa Supreme Court said: Being irresistable is a firing offense. On the upside, a number of patients are finding it easy to resist giving this prick any more business.
What did Santa bring Skullard for Christmas? Dirty books, of course! Does Skullard have the coolest wife or what?
If you could go back in time to warn your past self about something deeply important, what time of your life would you choose? What topic would you discuss? What’s that? Did you say… proper dining etiquette? That’s right! Little Chuck’s teenage self travels into the past to teach his childhood doppleganger how to make a good impression during meals. And to make things even jollier, they both wear the same stupid holiday sweater. Please learn a lot from this week’s educational short; Good Table Manners (1951)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I heard some throw-away joke back when I was a kid that went something like, “You know everybody’s getting it on on New Year’s Eve, because nine months later, it’s Labor Day.” I never forgot it because math jokes are funny 98% of the time. I’m reminded of the line when I look at these two party-goers. Just look at her, dancing with her boyfriend, having a great time. Poor kid. All you have to do is look at the lecherous expression on that boy’s face to know he intends to pluck more than just the daisies in little miss pixie-cut’s hair. But wait, there’s something off here . . . is that a ring on the girl’s finger? And on the left hand too! This skanky wench is married! I knew that lip stick was a bit too whorish. But you might be saying, “Hold on, Skullard! How do you know that Brylcreemed lothario with the goofy overbite isn’t her faithful husband?” Because they’re at a dance, and no American douche-bag husband is going to dress up and buy tickets to something where he’ll have to sway and sweat and buy drinks in the hopes of getting marital nookie when he can sit at home and scratch himself on the couch and still coerce his better half into some reluctant act of passionless groin mechanics before the ball drops. Let’s face it, this girl’s slutting it up to grab herself a bit of side-boffing while hubby’s at home drinking cheap beer and watching Spike TV. And if you think that Bobby Overbite is the kind of dude who brings protection, think again. So come September, Daisy the Wonderwhore will be pushing out Bobby’s bastard while Joseph the Couch-Stricken cries into his Schlitz. But don’t they make a lovely couple?
Who doesn’t love Halloween? Sure, Christmas gets a lot of attention because it takes the most planning, but unless you’re a mall Santa, there’s not a lot of chance to play dress-up. Halloween is a chance to act silly because you’re not really being yourself. You would never jump out from a bush and yell “BLAAARGH!” . . . but a goofy pirate might. You would never drink too much and go home with that guy, but Sexy Alice in Wonderland is in the mood for a tumble down the rabbit hole. Go ahead Sponge Bob, eat that huge bag of candy. You’ll still fit into those square pants tomorrow. It’s fun to pretend we’re someone else, especially someone who doesn’t exist, because it takes that whole burden of responsibility off for a while. Wear the mask, have some fun, then go back to boring old “real life” November 1st. And if your costume lends itself to making a specific lasting impression, by all means go for it. If you’re dressing up as John Dillinger, make sure to stop in at the bank. If you’re a mad bomber, see if you can make it through airport security. If you’re dressed as a pimp, slap a bitch. If you’re dressing up as a priest or scout leader . . . may we suggest a different costume. You can only take this “It wasn’t me, it was the outfit” garbage just so far, right?
In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka goes back to 2003 and takes a Wrong Turn (see what we did there?). You may not have seen this movie, but you’ve definitly seen it before. A carload of attractive college students are on a Spring break road trip and decide to take a short cut, right? Sound familiar? And they stop at a gas station an get directions from a vaguely threatening backwoods hick? Of course they do. Then they run over a spiked chain that blows out their tires and they end up being picked off, one by one, by a family of inbred cannibals. Yadda-yadda, la-dee-da, pass the popcorn, we’ve been down this old dirt road before. This time our usual vile villains are a trio of deformed brothers by the names of One-Eye, Three-Fingers and Sawtooth (or the Artist Formerly Known As Fuckface). Like any teen-screamer, Wrong Turn has had more the necessary amount of sequels and prequels, usually released directly to video. All of these are your standard, run-of-the-mill, snark worthy fare. In other words, get your snacks, get comfy, and get ready to point and laugh.
We took a short detour down Halloween Movie Memory Lane. Here are some sentimental favorites from years gone by:
Mockingbird Lane: Well, it was going to be a pilot for a new series, but now they’re calling it a “Halloween Special”. Take our word for it, this is no Great Pumpkin. Oh Eddie . . .
If you aren’t doing anything fun for Halloween this year, why not make yourself feel better by laughing at this stupid family and their potentially rabid dog? Please enjoy the low-income thrills of Halloween Party (1953)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This one’s a classic. Mine’s only a copy and I wish I had an original, but I adore the silliness of it. That witch must be driving like a maniac, because all the veggies look scared shitless. Hell, the pickle fell out! That’s what you get for not buckling up, ya briney bastard! And is it just me, or does that car’s smile remind anyone else of Speed-Buggy? “A-ROOMA-ZOOM-ZOOM!”
Make no mistake, we podcast from the Greatest County In The World. Or do we? As it turns out, the U.S. has fallen behind China in per capita beer consumption (GASP!). Sure, we’re still #1 when it comes to incarceration rates, but we’re only fifth in executions. No wonder we’re going broke! China, Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are all probably laughing at us that we bother feeding so many prisoners. “Less feedin’ and more bleedin’,” they say. We’re in the top tier of countries when it comes to human trafficking, but you’d never know that because we rank 24th in freedom of the press. AND 59th in percentage of men circumcised, so take that, you putzes! Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world and our health system is ranked 37th, but somehow we’re still number one in gun deaths, so at least we have our priorities straight. In fact, we have the highest death rate for young people in the civilized world, so suck on that Finland! We’re 33rd in educational performance, but how were you supposed to know that? It’s a miracle you can even read! I guess we’re not doing too bad since on the Index of Global Wellbeing we reached #14. Denmark was #1. So the answer is simple: look at what they’re doing right and see what we can incorporate into our . . . aw, fuck it. Let’s just march in there and force them to give us the good life. That’s how we do things around here. U-S-A! U-S-A!
In 1992, before rings and hobbits and giant apes, Peter Jackson gave us the Sumatran Rat Monkey (TM). This adorable critter put the bite on an over-baring mother and, next thing you know, we get Dead Alive! This is one of the few truly Great Intentionally Bad Movies, and it is an over-the-top slop-o-rama. The S.R.M. (as he’s known to his friends) carries one of the nastiest zombie viruses you’ve ever seen, and Mommy Dearest gets a full dose and begins the plague to end all plagues. Pretty soon “Home Sweet Home” becomes zombie central, and it falls to Mommy’s obedient son and his button-cute girlfriend to destroy all dead that walk. Problem is, it takes more than a shot to the head to put these things down . . . you have to liquify them. And you thought a lawn-mower was just for mowing lawns, didn’t you? Don’t miss this one, if you can stomach all the blood, puss, bile, mucous and generalized glop in bucketfuls.
Wanna see the zombie baby fist fight? Myk Lewis dug us up this clip. Dig it!
CLICK HERE to learn about the strange death of Alfalfa! (Big thanks to neatorama.com!)
The Walking Dead – Season 3: A hack-and-slash opener with shocks and surprises. Sadly, still no showers.
American Horror Story Asylum: An amazing cast with almost too much to do . . . plus a unexpected flash of nun-butt.
Beauty and the Beast: A creature this hideous stretches the limits of credulity, and we’re not talking about the “Beast”. How does this shit get on the air!?!
Do you ever wish your family would fuck off? Well, little do you realize that if they ever did, you would immediately become lonely and starving, waiting at the door for them to return like some wretched dog. Please become enlightened by this week’s incipid educational short; Friendship Begins at Home (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Bil Mathiason, Double-A Breeder of Chatwich Basset Hounds, here seen in full uniform along with 3-time state champion winner ‘GOOGS’ – the real force behind the enterprise.” If you ever wondered why I didn’t follow my dream of being a Double-A Breeder, now you know . . . I couldn’t afford the uniform. Sadly, I wasted all my funds on dental work.