{"id":1411,"date":"2012-08-14T02:16:23","date_gmt":"2012-08-14T02:16:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/?p=1411"},"modified":"2012-08-14T02:16:23","modified_gmt":"2012-08-14T02:16:23","slug":"the-olympics-are-over","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/?p=1411","title":{"rendered":"The Olympics Are Over!"},"content":{"rendered":"

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This is a public service announcement: The Olympics are over. You can stop feigning interest in field hockey. I\u2019m not the first to point out that if a lot of these events were interesting, we\u2019d see them more than just every four years. The Olympics are like the $5 DVD bin at WalMart: throw a bunch of semi-watchable stuff into one pile and people are going to rummage through it in hopes of something interesting.<\/p>\n

I spent the last two weeks walking through businesses, bars and restaurants, all of which had the Olympics playing on a television . . . being watched by no one. I don\u2019t know anybody who\u2019s been watching it. Except my dad . . . who\u2019s retired and needs something new to yell at. The Olympics are supposed to be a huge distraction from all that\u2019s wrong in the world, but no one\u2019s paying any attention.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s all it is, isn\u2019t it, a distraction? Nobody spends 32 million on an opening ceremony complete with fireworks and light shows for an educational effort. And don\u2019t get me wrong, I like distraction as much as the next guy. Actually, more than the next guy unless the next guy is a complete escapist douche. From Norway<\/em>. Yeah, the Norway schmuck took the gold in distraction, and all I got was the silver, not that I didn\u2019t try for the gold, but the judges determined the other guy won because he wanted it more but I still say that\u2019s bullshit because I wanted to want it more but I saw a bird.<\/p>\n

What, \u201cdistraction\u201d isn\u2019t a sport? Well excuse me, Mr. Referee, let me get out of your way so you can watch Dressage. You\u2019re going to call horse dancing a sport? I\u2019m sorry, but any activity that involves wearing a top hat and white gloves isn\u2019t sport, it\u2019s a tax write-off. In fact, any activity involving animals isn\u2019t a sport because the animals don\u2019t know they\u2019re competing. I include hunting and fishing in that rule, by the way, which I know aren\u2019t Olympic events but that\u2019s only because they\u2019re too popular. Fishing isn\u2019t a sport because anything you can do while taking a shit isn\u2019t a sport. Hunting isn\u2019t a sport because there\u2019s no competition. If guys with guns were hunting other guys with guns you\u2019d have yourself a competition but you still wouldn\u2019t call it a sport. You\u2019d call it a war.<\/p>\n

We need to stop calling the Olympics a sporting event anyway. There are some sports, sure, but a lot of it is just competitions or activities that have had all the fun sucked out of them. Kayaking is fun . . . until someone puts up a bunch of gates and clicks a stopwatch. Why the fuck you gotta ruin my good time? They have Kayaking, but not log-rolling. Why isn\u2019t log-rolling a sport. You don\u2019t need a judge to tell you who wins. One guy\u2019s soaking wet, the other guy\u2019s on the log, pointing and laughing. Maybe they\u2019d be more sportsman-like if they had a shot at a medal. Not everything has to be turned into an event. That\u2019s why I don\u2019t believe it when they say, \u201cthese are the greatest athletes in the world\u201d. Maybe there\u2019s some archer shooting targets in his back yard been hitting nothing but bull\u2019s eyes since he was six. Every four years the Olympic recruiter pesters him, \u201cYou gotta come shoot for the team, man! It\u2019s the Olympics!\u201d<\/p>\n

Twang-thuck!<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNah, I\u2019m good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cC\u2019mon man, you don\u2019t understand! You could win a medal!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat, you mean I could get some ornament on a ribbon to remind me years later how good I once was? Does it come with a nail to hang it on, because it would get caught in the machinery if I wore it at my job.\u201d Twang-thuck!<\/em> \u201cNah, I\u2019ll pass, man. Can\u2019t miss work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLook, say yes, we\u2019ll give you a coach, and you can join the Olympic Team!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOr how \u2018bout I say no, nobody yells at me, and I join the Avengers.\u201d Twang-thuck!<\/em> \u201cReally, dude, I\u2019m good.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour country needs you!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? You ever read a paper? No jobs, drought, drone attacks, an election between a moderate Republican and that guy with the weird name? What is it . . . Mitt? Shit\u2019s coming down in buckets and the country needs this?\u201d Twang-thuck!<\/em> \u201cGet outta my yard, man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yeah, maybe not the best athletes in the world, but definitely the most competitive that can pass a piss test. Still, you have to admit these are some amazing physical specimens that are highly motivated and disciplined. So why are we giving them condoms? They\u2019ve distributed 150,000 corporately sanctioned condoms in the Olympic Village. Why? Let this stock breed! Think of it: a whole mob of mixed-race super-humans chlorinating the gene pool, what\u2019s not to love? Not to mention what it does for international relations. Why is it we\u2019re giving rubbers to perfect people, but there\u2019s going to be a Republican Convention in a couple of weeks with an anti-contraception agenda in the prostitution capital of Florida?<\/p>\n

I wish fucking was an Olympic sport. Some folks have petitioned for Olympic pole-dancing, and I\u2019m all for that. If you can have synchronized swimming and artistic gymnastics, let\u2019s set up a pole. The next games are going to be held in Rio de Janeiro, which means we\u2019re going to have some fantastic opening ceremonies. You thought London was good with kids bouncing on beds? Rio\u2019s going to have tits, which will give me a real competitive advantage in the distraction event. It\u2019ll be the perfect games to bring out pole-dancing as an official sport, and let me tell you, no one will just be \u201cpretending\u201d to watch that. The Rio games will have the highest ratings \u2013 hey look! A bird!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is a public service announcement: The Olympics are over. You can stop feigning interest in field hockey. I\u2019m not the first to point out that if a lot of these events were interesting, we\u2019d see them more than just … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1411"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1411\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1414,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1411\/revisions\/1414"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}