{"id":2485,"date":"2013-08-17T14:53:55","date_gmt":"2013-08-17T14:53:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/?p=2485"},"modified":"2013-08-17T16:55:23","modified_gmt":"2013-08-17T16:55:23","slug":"2485","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/?p=2485","title":{"rendered":"094 Pineapples and Kumquats"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none\" src=\"http:\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/2438931\/height\/325\/width\/325\/theme\/legacy\/direction\/no\/autoplay\/no\/autonext\/no\/thumbnail\/yes\/preload\/no\/no_addthis\/no\/\" height=\"325\" width=\"325\" scrolling=\"no\"  allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen oallowfullscreen msallowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/094-Pineapples-And-Cumquats.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/094-Pineapples-And-Cumquats-300x223.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"094 Pineapples And Cumquats\" width=\"300\" height=\"223\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-2493\" srcset=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/094-Pineapples-And-Cumquats-300x223.jpg 300w, http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/094-Pineapples-And-Cumquats-403x300.jpg 403w, http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/094-Pineapples-And-Cumquats.jpg 806w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a>What do you do when things go wrong?  When your plans fall flat, what&#8217;s your back up?  Around here, it turns out, we podcast.  We had every intention to enjoy a night at the theater, and we paid our admission and parked our butts in a couple of aisle seats.  But then calamity struck and the show got cancelled.  Sure, we got our money back, but then what?  Hit the strip clubs?  Heat up quarters with a lighter, then throw them out the car window at passing hobos?  Play canasta?  None of those things!  Instead we headed straight home and turned on the microphones so you wouldn&#8217;t have to miss one second of our pathetic butt-hurt.  That&#8217;s the thing about self-pity: even though it&#8217;s all about you, it&#8217;s only any fun if you share.<\/p>\n<p><em>Click on the banner for <strong>Blowpaste<\/strong>!  That&#8217;s right, we proudly endorse this premium toothpaste\/oral lube whole-heartedly now.  Why?  Well . . . because they said nice things to us.  We don&#8217;t get a lot of positive reinforcement around here.  Flatter us a little and we&#8217;ll go to mat for you.  That&#8217;s just the kind beaten-down dogs we are.  <strong>Blowpaste<\/strong>!  When you say &#8220;<strong>Blowpaste<\/strong>&#8220;, you&#8217;ve said a mouthful.<\/em><br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/www.cheekychacha.com\/\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Blowpaste.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"Blowpaste\" width=\"1024\" height=\"314\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-2467\" srcset=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Blowpaste.jpg 1024w, http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Blowpaste-300x91.jpg 300w, http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Blowpaste-500x153.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><em><strong>From Skullard&#8217;s Postcard Collection<\/strong>:  Now here&#8217;s a charming couple.  Is this supposed to be Archie and Betty?  If so, Betty needs to dial back on the lip stick a little.  She certainly seems to enjoy sucking cream from his straw.  The way Archie is leering, he doesn&#8217;t seem to mind.  Think he&#8217;s going to try and take her cherry?  Okay, these kind of lines are too easy.  Considering that Sunday the 18th is <strong>Bad Poetry Day<\/strong>, Skullard offered to write a bad poem about a postcard of Luka&#8217;s choice and this is the card she picked.  What follows is the poem he wrote, destined to be included one day in an anthology entitled &#8220;Poems For The Lowest Common Denominator.&#8221;<\/em><br \/>\n<a href=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/sodacouple.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/sodacouple.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"sodacouple\" width=\"333\" height=\"500\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-2486\" srcset=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/sodacouple.jpg 333w, http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/sodacouple-199x300.jpg 199w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 333px) 100vw, 333px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><em>From their very first encounter at the Walgreen&#8217;s soda counter<br \/>\nHe knew he had to mount her so he asked her out right there<br \/>\nShe didn&#8217;t seem insulted and his spirit was exalted<br \/>\nWhen she said, &#8220;Buy me a malted and maybe we can share.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>She acted fairly flirty and though she said nothing dirty<br \/>\nJust the way she filled her shirt he nearly came there at the sight<br \/>\nHer straw work was seductive making him feel reproductive<br \/>\nAnd he thought he might get fucked if he could play his cards just right<\/p>\n<p>He wished he had a roofie to get this girly goofy<br \/>\nBecause in honest truth he had no talent in romance<br \/>\nInstead he offered booze he hoped would make her far less choosy<br \/>\nSo this soda-fountain floozie would let him in her pants<\/p>\n<p>But she eyed him with a snicker.  &#8220;Did you really think that liquor<br \/>\nwould hit me like a brick?&#8221;  Her tone suggested it would not<br \/>\n&#8220;Look, if you want to pair up, whoever did your hair up<br \/>\nLike some hemorrhoidal flair up should be taken out and shot<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;And did your Mommy pick that sweater?  If she did then you should get her<br \/>\nNicer glasses that work better because that one is a miss<br \/>\nAnd if you want my diagnosis, the judgment of my nose is<br \/>\nThat your chronic halitosis stinks worse than buzzard piss<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Plus I&#8217;m really quite disgusted how your pants are half-encrusted<br \/>\nAnd I&#8217;m sure your fly is rusted by the seepage from your schlong<br \/>\nAnd I don&#8217;t know who told ya you could buy a girl a soda<br \/>\nAnd just for that she owed ya something sexy, but they&#8217;re wrong&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>After such a verbal beating he ended up retreating<br \/>\nDespairing how the meeting didn&#8217;t work out like he planned<br \/>\nBack home he sat and pondered on the chance that he had squandered<br \/>\nAnd through his mind she wandered as he gave himself a hand<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do you do when things go wrong? When your plans fall flat, what&#8217;s your back up? Around here, it turns out, we podcast. We had every intention to enjoy a night at the theater, and we paid our admission &hellip; <a href=\"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/?p=2485\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,466,7],"tags":[481,477,331],"class_list":["post-2485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-entertainment","category-holidays","category-odd-news","tag-black-box-of-mystery","tag-blowpaste","tag-rifftrax"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2485","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2485"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2485\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2500,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2485\/revisions\/2500"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2485"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2485"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/whatcouldgowrongpodcast.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2485"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}