This is a public service announcement: The Olympics are over. You can stop feigning interest in field hockey. I’m not the first to point out that if a lot of these events were interesting, we’d see them more than just every four years. The Olympics are like the $5 DVD bin at WalMart: throw a bunch of semi-watchable stuff into one pile and people are going to rummage through it in hopes of something interesting.

I spent the last two weeks walking through businesses, bars and restaurants, all of which had the Olympics playing on a television . . . being watched by no one. I don’t know anybody who’s been watching it. Except my dad . . . who’s retired and needs something new to yell at. The Olympics are supposed to be a huge distraction from all that’s wrong in the world, but no one’s paying any attention.

And that’s all it is, isn’t it, a distraction? Nobody spends 32 million on an opening ceremony complete with fireworks and light shows for an educational effort. And don’t get me wrong, I like distraction as much as the next guy. Actually, more than the next guy unless the next guy is a complete escapist douche. From Norway. Yeah, the Norway schmuck took the gold in distraction, and all I got was the silver, not that I didn’t try for the gold, but the judges determined the other guy won because he wanted it more but I still say that’s bullshit because I wanted to want it more but I saw a bird.

What, “distraction” isn’t a sport? Well excuse me, Mr. Referee, let me get out of your way so you can watch Dressage. You’re going to call horse dancing a sport? I’m sorry, but any activity that involves wearing a top hat and white gloves isn’t sport, it’s a tax write-off. In fact, any activity involving animals isn’t a sport because the animals don’t know they’re competing. I include hunting and fishing in that rule, by the way, which I know aren’t Olympic events but that’s only because they’re too popular. Fishing isn’t a sport because anything you can do while taking a shit isn’t a sport. Hunting isn’t a sport because there’s no competition. If guys with guns were hunting other guys with guns you’d have yourself a competition but you still wouldn’t call it a sport. You’d call it a war.

We need to stop calling the Olympics a sporting event anyway. There are some sports, sure, but a lot of it is just competitions or activities that have had all the fun sucked out of them. Kayaking is fun . . . until someone puts up a bunch of gates and clicks a stopwatch. Why the fuck you gotta ruin my good time? They have Kayaking, but not log-rolling. Why isn’t log-rolling a sport. You don’t need a judge to tell you who wins. One guy’s soaking wet, the other guy’s on the log, pointing and laughing. Maybe they’d be more sportsman-like if they had a shot at a medal. Not everything has to be turned into an event. That’s why I don’t believe it when they say, “these are the greatest athletes in the world”. Maybe there’s some archer shooting targets in his back yard been hitting nothing but bull’s eyes since he was six. Every four years the Olympic recruiter pesters him, “You gotta come shoot for the team, man! It’s the Olympics!”

Twang-thuck!

“Nah, I’m good.”

“C’mon man, you don’t understand! You could win a medal!”

“What, you mean I could get some ornament on a ribbon to remind me years later how good I once was? Does it come with a nail to hang it on, because it would get caught in the machinery if I wore it at my job.” Twang-thuck! “Nah, I’ll pass, man. Can’t miss work.”

“Look, say yes, we’ll give you a coach, and you can join the Olympic Team!”

“Or how ‘bout I say no, nobody yells at me, and I join the Avengers.” Twang-thuck! “Really, dude, I’m good.”

“Your country needs you!”

“Really? You ever read a paper? No jobs, drought, drone attacks, an election between a moderate Republican and that guy with the weird name? What is it . . . Mitt? Shit’s coming down in buckets and the country needs this?” Twang-thuck! “Get outta my yard, man.”

Yeah, maybe not the best athletes in the world, but definitely the most competitive that can pass a piss test. Still, you have to admit these are some amazing physical specimens that are highly motivated and disciplined. So why are we giving them condoms? They’ve distributed 150,000 corporately sanctioned condoms in the Olympic Village. Why? Let this stock breed! Think of it: a whole mob of mixed-race super-humans chlorinating the gene pool, what’s not to love? Not to mention what it does for international relations. Why is it we’re giving rubbers to perfect people, but there’s going to be a Republican Convention in a couple of weeks with an anti-contraception agenda in the prostitution capital of Florida?

I wish fucking was an Olympic sport. Some folks have petitioned for Olympic pole-dancing, and I’m all for that. If you can have synchronized swimming and artistic gymnastics, let’s set up a pole. The next games are going to be held in Rio de Janeiro, which means we’re going to have some fantastic opening ceremonies. You thought London was good with kids bouncing on beds? Rio’s going to have tits, which will give me a real competitive advantage in the distraction event. It’ll be the perfect games to bring out pole-dancing as an official sport, and let me tell you, no one will just be “pretending” to watch that. The Rio games will have the highest ratings – hey look! A bird!