Not unlike Oliver Queen, What Could Go Wrong? is alive. Too bad we aren’t coming back from an island in the South China Sea to our mansion in Sparrow City and leisurely life as billionaire playboys. Nah, we’re not back from anywhere but the other room, returning to our hectic lives as the working poor. And the only arrows around this place have suction cups on the business ends. Oh Arrow, how is it you live so much better than we do? Why is it you ride motorcycles and every woman you meet has amazing tits? Why is it that your jaw is so square and chin so rugged? Why do you mother and sister both have that weird matching mole above their lip? But there is one area of life where we have the upper hand, Oliver Queen. Because of sponsored product placement, you and everyone you know, including that hot blonde hacker chick that you should totally go for, are using Microsoft tablets and PCs running Windows 8. Ha-Ha! Phooey on you, Mr. Costumed Hero, your compu-shit is shit. We may be nothing but impoverished podcasters, but at least we have Power Books and iPads! Suck on that, archer-boy!
Anyway, we’re back.
When is America going to live up to its commitments?
Just how the hell old IS Oscar anyway?
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For Mother’s Day why not give the domestic goddess in your life the Gibson 6000 oven? See it here cleverly demonstrated by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.
We’re still looking for a new place to live. The landlord has gone back into hiding. The ongoing drama has endured to the point where it’s gotten boring, kinda like The Following on Fox. So rather than continuing to dwell on day to day shit that doesn’t seem to go anywhere, we return to our tried and true format that never went anywhere either.
“Boy, I sure do like participating in MEMES. I wish I could come up with something for that wildly hilarious ‘Confession Bear’ project. Oh wait! There was that one time I got away with homicide. I’ll just put that out there on Reddit. What could go wrong?”
Aliens come down and bestow super powers on a mere mortal. Is it the Green Lantern? The Greatest American Hero? Is it Star Brand (and if you know who THAT is, you’re Mega-Ultra-Quantum Nerd o’ the Month!)? Nope, we’re talking about Guardiana – Safety Woman! No longer just a lowly freelance writer and part-time crossing guard, Guardiana protects the youth of America by teaching just how lethal your own damn house is. Let’s all give the Danger Dodger salute – AWARE! ALERT! ALIVE! – and watch “Safety: Harm Hides at Home”!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “This famous cheese was on display at the New York World’s Fair”. But of course, you already knew that. It’s famous after all. 34,591 pounds is almost enough to get stolen in Wisconsin. Those people sure are smiling big. I wonder what the photographer told them to say . . .
We’re doing our best to laugh about all this, but it’s still kind of an open wound (as the continued dripping will attest to). Thanks to everyone who’s wished us well and is pulling for us. We appreciate all the positive thoughts for all the fucking good it does. No, really, thanks. We’re not kidding. It means a lot in a way, kinda.
Here’s how the drippage looked as of Saturday, March 23rd. Watch it . . . IF YOU DARE!
Behold! Skullard’s ingenuity in action! As you can see, when ol’ Skully puts his hand to a task, quality is job one.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This is actually an antique postcard that bares a 1909 postmark and half-hearted note from Ed to his Aunt May in Manchester, Iowa (and that was the extent of the address too . . . it seems all you needed in 1909 was the name of the town and the postman could take care of the rest). But I chose this postcard not so much for its historic significance as to show you the type of person I expect the landlord to eventually send to fix the leak.
Please shut your mouth and open your ears for this week’s podcast. You will be informed of strange news stories, bombarded with endless cat puns, treated to musical outros and told a true tale of a crazy cat lady. Sit back, fry up your plate of roadkill, turn on your pizza tracker, and enjoy What Could Go Wrong!
Hey buddy! We can see you over here! You know we can see you? Hey! Yo, buddy!
Huzzah! If we all do the chores together, we can all have fun together when we’re done! Is there anything more wonderful than Your Family (1948)?
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This cat is so beautiful. So sweet, and loving and beautiful. We’re never going to see him again, and it’s just breaking our hearts. We started this podcast just for him, and now he’s gone. Gone forever.
March Madness has hit our podcast! Well, not really. We hate sports. We just have various mental illnesses this week and have gone absolutely bonkers! Well, not really. But we are full of bounce and true enthusiasm! Well, not really. But you will learn about the results of important scientific studies! Well, not really. Although you can hear about what a hottie Skullard is. Really!
Everyone could use a bit more Wodehouse in their lives. BBC One just did a wonderful Blandings series, much of which you could probably find on YouTube, if you were so inclined.
This is the hag Skullard saw at the grocery store. If you don’t see the hag, look again until you do.
Is it simply snow and ice or is it an impending doom. Behold Winter’s sword of Damocles.
Teenagers, beware! Drinking booze will ruin your life and blow up your brain perhaps! Don’t believe me? See the proof by watching Alcohol Is Dynamite (1958)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: who wouldn’t want to have children when they’re as precious and adorable as THIS? Oh, come on. You might as well.
This episode of What Could Go Wrong will astound you! Learn about identity theft, blasphemous toilet paper, and stupid individuals filled with violent rage. Skullard pays off his student loans, while Luka recounts a scary story about her time alone at a truck stop burger shack. Your mind will boggle, and you may become hungry for pizza.
This week’s bad movie is The Hands of a Stranger (1962), a screwy little film about an arrogant piano player who gets a bizarre hand transplant and starts to go crazy. He may have been a little crazy anyway, so it’s not a long trip. Please enjoy some murderous clips as he “accidentally” kills his slutty girlfriend and a cheerful little boy. You know… like you do.
Network television has decided to take two of the most iconic killers of filmdom and piss on them by making prequals. A&E, usually the most trusted name in TV drama, is going to give us chibi-Norman with its Bates Motel. Let me guess: is Joan from Mad Men going to check in and take a shower? Actually, I’d tune in to watch that.
And then NBC wants to serve us up a whole new Hannibal, the very idea of which is hard to stomach. Why? Seriously, NBC, why change a classic recipe? Rather than remix, what say you just stick to what you know we already have a taste for, i.e. Grimm.
Life gets easier for a happy family when they decide to share the housework. Doesn’t that sound fun maybe? Whee! Please enjoy today’s bonus educational short; Sharing Work At Home (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m pretty sure this is the first postcard I ever bought that I looked at and said, “Hmmm, I should get more of these.” Postcards, I meant, not brains. But this picture from the Cornell Brain Institute does prove that postcards aren’t the craziest thing to collect. I got this card back when I was in college and I retained it, which is more than I can say about the things I learned in college. Okay, I do remember one thing I learned: don’t date the first girl who’s willing to date you. You tend to remember the lessons you learn the hard way. Then again, just because you forget things doesn’t mean you don’t end up paying for them for the next 20 years. Could have been worse though; I could have gotten that chick pregnant and I’d still be paying for it today. So let this be a lesson to you, kids: postcards and vasectomies . . . two investments that truly pay off in the long run.
After a long hiatus (gawd, how I love that word!), we’re back. February was the month of things Going Wrong, but our colds have mostly run their courses and we’re ready to talk into microphones and make each other giggle. Thank you for sticking with us through our personal plague. We’re excited to get back to it, because “We Are Never Give Up!” Black Mirror is haunting, scary, troubling and all-around amazing television. We can’t recommend this show enough. Find it. If you can watch it legally, all the better. Do what you gotta do.
Utopia is beautiful, as you would expect with a title like that. But it’s also a dark story full of conspiracy and betrayal. Again, you’re going to want to see this. Make it happen.
Remember Bjorn Wok? Skullard didn’t, even though we talked all about him back on Episode 008!
Do you feel useless, doing nothing all day but put shoes away? Well, cheer up, stupid! Your job is important! Please feel good about yourself by watching You And Your Work (1948)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This image promoting the need for nurses in wartime has nothing really to do with anything we talked about on this week’s podcast. What we did bring up several times during the episode was blow jobs, which has nothing to do . . . with . . . yeah.
It’s true that 45% of Americans believe in ghosts and 77% believe in angels. The majority of Americans (almost 70%) are ready to accept the idea of Climate Change, but even more have accepted that you can’t go swimming after eating and you need to check your kid’s Halloween candy for razor blades. And nobody around here accepts the metric system. News flash: you do NOT lose the majority of body heat through your head! Swallowed gum does NOT stay in your stomach for seven years! The “Five Second Rule” is bullshit, so stop eating off the floor, ya slob! It’s embarrassing some of the garbage we believe all because some joker told us something stupid and we didn’t have the spine to say, “Sez who?” Maybe there’s hope in the fact that every kid now has a mobile device with access to Google. Perhaps there will come a day when religion and bigotry will be replaced by crowd-sourcing. But until that day comes, be very careful who you trust when it comes to the dissemination of truth. We’ll never lie to you. We’ll never tell you that a camel stores water in its hump or that men have one rib fewer than women. We’re all about the truth around here, and if you’re going to believe something, believe in us . . . the podcast called What Could Go Wrong? Or not.
We told you all about Kai, the heroic hatchet-weilding hitch-hiker that is our new King of Awesome. But you really need to hear him tell the story in his own fuckin’ words, yo.
The Cookie Monster has returned the Golden Biscuit. No, this isn’t a children’s book. What we want to know is, how the blazes did he get it up there on that horse without anyone seeing?
Duff Goldman out classes all local pastery chefs, both with his amazing talent, and with his humanity.
Party In My Pants is a place where you can buy artistic, designer menstrual pads. Before you scoff, give it a look!
A well-groomed doctor lectures a sore loser and his fussbudget mother that his sister’s illness is all due to psychosomatic bullshit. And for this, he made a house call. Watch Attitudes and Health (1949) and find out how being a whiney little bitch is a medical condition.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are we sad, but we’re pretty freakin’ passive-agressive. What, did my MOM design this card!?! Church and Guilt, hand in glove . . . Momma would be so proud.
Are you ready for some ROLE-PLAYING!?! Yeah, today is Super Bowl Sunday and we kinda went off about how we didn’t give a shit and were going to have our own Super ROLL Sunday. And maybe, just perhaps, all our talk about nymph queens and the Fey Realm, armor class and vorpal swords, elves and spells sounded like a bunch of nonsense and nerdery. If our inside chatter about fantasy role-playing sounded like rubbish to you, than you now have about 0.02% of the frustration that we non-football people have been putting up with for the last several weeks. The only reason there isn’t a Super Bowl for people who like to roll dice and pretend to be Barbarian/Rogues is because you can’t place bets on a D&D game. If you could call a bookie and wager your week’s wages on a dungeon crawl, all of a sudden there would be corporate sponsorships and network contracts. Kids who carry dice bags around in high school would get scouted for university scholarships and professors would let them breeze through class because of their high “Detect Traps” scores. Cheerleaders would dress as dryads and succubi, which wouldn’t be a terrible thing. And ESPN would run coverage like, “I don’t know, Jim, he’ll have to roll a 17 or higher if he wants to get a critical hit on that Mind Flayer. If he can’t do double damage on this round, it’s looking like the ol’ brain suck for one of this season’s most promising paladins.” Sure, football is a celebration savage brutality and tribalism, but take away the point spread and it all goes away. If people can’t drop money on games, all you’re left with are mobs of well-drilled fighters wearing matching tunics over their padded armor. And any decent 8th level wizard with an Overland Flight spell and a wand of Fireball could cook those losers in four rounds. TWO, if he’s Hasted.
Hey look, our Mailman’s been here!
Steve Lowe, part time Batman and all-around great guy, ousted some trouble-makers from a chip shop with the help of Buzz Lightyear a.k.a Shane Lee. When duty calls, these fancy dress heroes are ready for action! A grateful Aria Nouri poses here with the guys who came to his rescue. “The youngsters had been drinking, but nobody thought about throwing a punch at Batman.”
“C” is for Cookie. “R” is for Ransom Note. And if you want to see your precious golden cookie emblem again, Balsen Biscuit Company, you’ll pay up . . . in COOKIES!
Behold, the weapon in question! A six-year-old girl offered to shoot bubbles at a friend at school with her Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. She got suspended for being a violent threat. It’s like the Prophet Carlin said: “They want to ban toy guns . . . AND THEY’RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES!“
C’mon, Hello Kitty’s not a threat! Sure, she packs a wallop with that ICHIGO PUNCH!, but as long as you’re not a bad guy or school administrator, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
“Oh Golly Mom, why doesn’t Jeff ever call me? He knows I’m just waiting by the phone!”
“It’s because he knows you’re on the hook, Marie. He can skank around all he wants because he knows you’re in his back pocket.”
“Aw gee. But how would he feel if I did that to him, Mother?”
“That would make you a whore, dear. I much prefer you as a sweet little doormat, Marie. Now when Jeff does call, don’t forget to put out like we discussed.”
Watch Marie and Jeff struggle with the rampant evil that is parental support in Going Steady? (1951)
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, no cheap jokes about some guy offering his weiner to a woman who looks for all the world like his mother. No comment on how the woman opens her mouth wide at the approach of the meat or how her bun is so wontonly open and receptive. How about some more serious questions like, for example, isn’t that a LOT of apples for that size table? Are they really going to eat all those? Why’s the guy grilling some buns, but her buns are raw? (Luka sez, “YOU’RE buns are raw!”) Shoud he really have his iced tea so close to the heat? And where’s she supposed to set her glass, huh? Like I said before, that’s a small table. Are those chips Sour Cream and Onion, or just regular? Where the fuck’s the mustard? And when did Steve Cox pose for postcards?