145 Perversely Polyamorous

145 Perversely Polyamorus
According to the New York Daily News, divorces spike right after Valentine’s Day. It’s not that hard to understand, really. Expectations get built up and a lady thinks her man is going to show her some romantic appreciation only to have him come home to plunk down on the couch to watch ESPN and scratch his blorgles. It’s a let down to say the very least, and when people forget to say the very least, i.e. “Oh, by the way, I love you,” the unappreciated partner decides to pull the rip chord. Researchers asked 2,000 Americans about their relationship status just a week before Valentine’s Day and one in ten of them were thinking about dumping the person they’re currently with. Apparently VD acts as a trigger, and the divorce lawyers start finding their appointment calendars full. But before we let this news bring us down, let’s look on the bright side: none of these couples should have ever been together in the first place, right? If a relationship was so fragile that a Hallmark Holiday can smash it to pieces, what you have is two people who need to move on to something better and brighter. Stop trying to patch a leaky tire of a relationship with chocolate and a bouquet from the 7-11. If you’re not gifting, romancing and making with the happy yum-yums all year long, not even a diamond pendant is going to save you. It’s time you give up, break up, move out and move on. Happy Valentine’s Day from What Could Go Wrong?, your gurus of stable relationship advice.

Valentine (2001) is a lack-luster teen slasher film that never rises to even its waist-level potential. Not even Denise Richards, who was able to build an entire career on a pert nose, was able to build any suspense in this yawner. Sure, beat up the social misfit at the Valentine’s dance after stripping him to his skivvies in front of the girls and then send him off to military school to work out, train, fester and plan. What do you expect to happen? This story is as unpredictable as a bus schedule, but at least riding a bus you’ll see more developed characters and it’ll be going somewhere. It’ll probably smell better too.

In most parts of the world, it would take various pieces of equipment, hardware and an instructional body tattoo to pull off a massive prison break. In Brazil, these are all the tools you need.

Valentine’s is a huge holiday for giving flowers, second only to Mother’s Day which just goes to show you how many people out there are motherfuckers. But where do all these flowers come from, how do they reproduce, and is it a story suitable for family viewing? Turns out, flowers are flirty little tramps that put it out there for all comers. Of course, Flowers At Work (1956) isn’t going to say as much. They use scientific jargon as befitting an educational short. But we know. Oh yeah, baby, we know how those flowers really are. Oh yeah . . .

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Valentine’s Day has traditionally been the time to give citrus fruit to the one you love. It’s so sensuous. With all the peeling, pulling, separating squirting segments and spitting out the pips, it’s a sticky, juicy joy to share with that special someone. And yes, I have now reached the point where I can make anything dirty. “Packed in Fillmore”, eh? Fillmore where the Sunkist don’t shine, am I right? Huh? Ya feel me?

I’m sorry.