*Brrrrrrrr-Ring!*
“Hello? Hello-o? Goddamn it, HELLO!?!”
“Hello, is this Mr. Skullard?”
“I don’t want to buy anything.”
“My name is Denise, and I’m calling from your phone company?”
“You don’t sound sure about that.”
“Haha. I’m not sure if you’re aware that you could be saving a great deal every month with our great deal that we’re offering to a great deal of our customers a great deal of the time by calling a great deal?”
“We’re not interested.”
“Okay, but did you know that doesn’t matter to me and I’m going to keep talking about this new great deal anyway?”
“We’re not interested.”
“Alright, but are you aware I’ve been trained under penalty of death to ignore any statement that isn’t ‘Tell me more’ or ‘Sounds great, I’ll take it’?”
“I kinda guessed, but fuck you.”
“What?”
“You were supposed to ignore that. Let me speak to your supervisor.”
“No, please . . . we don’t have to get Mr. Robards involved.”
“Get him on the line, Denise.”
“Please! He . . . he hurts us . . .”
“I want Robards on the line now!”
“Oh please . . . *sniff* you can’t . . . *sob* I’ll do anything . . .”
“Anything Denise?”
“Anything you want, Mr. Skullard. If you want, I’ll . . . oh, wait, your credit card’s been declined.”
“Aw shit.”
“I’m sorry, but we can’t go on unless you have another card. We do charge $3.99 a minute after all.”
“That’s robbery!”
“Alright, but are you aware we now have a better rate that’s part of our new great deal -”
*click*
Stepping back again to that magic year of 1962, Luka’s Bad Movie Review embraces the love story that is The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. Isn’t it romantic when a man refuses to give up on love even when the woman he loves gets her head sliced off in a completely avoidable car accident that he himself was the cause of? It just makes you want to swoon. And not only does Mad Scientist Bill prove his love by animating his best girl’s head and keeping it alive against all pleas to the contrary, he also proves what a pragmatist he is by searching for shapely replacement bodies from among the skanks and hos of the local strip clubs. Because hey, if you’re going to give your wench a new body, why not pick out a custom model with high milage? Talk about the perfect boyfriend, right? But other than the value of considering the feelings of others, this film also teaches us that if you are reduced to nothing but a head sitting in a pie pan, you’re not completely out of options. Need to scratch your nose? You can always develop a psychic link to that living mass of discarded limbs living in the closet. This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie slams home the message that whatever your lot in life, you can always make things better through questionable bio-ethics.
Let’s forget about all that decapitated head nonsense for a few moments and watch two floozies catfighting. Mrrrrow!
More than 60,000 of these hazardous treats were confiscated at the boarder during 2011. Thank GAWD! Can you imagine what would happen if a child were to stick the entire egg in his mouth and not realize there was a sizable plastic object inside like it promises on the package? That child might choke to death . . . and the gene pool would be that much safer to swim in.
When life hands you a low-life scum of a cheating husband, make lemonade. Elle Zober used her husband’s scummery to help sell the house he walked out on. You can click the pic to visit her site, and if you feel like it, buy a magnet . . . or the house. We only had enough for a magnet.
Fools! Do you not realize that certified medical doctors are the only ones who can help you? Do not purchase silly talismans and remidies brewed from hooey! Please learn your lesson after observing this week’s bonus educational short, Quacks and Nostrums (1959)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Mmmm, baby . . . you lookin’ fine in those white shorts . . . what say we put some grass stains on the back of those. Hmm? You wanna make some other stains? Ooo yeah, honey . . . push that mower. Push it way out ahead of you. Let’s you and me mix some plaid, huh? Mmm-hmm! Ass in the grass . . . you know I love how you mow.” Etc., etc. . . .