158 Miami Connection

009 I Saw Three Marvelous Things

Miami Connection is a film like no other. Rarely does Luka say, “You must see this movie!” Considering the films she usually reviews, that would make her a cruel taskmaster and the lowest form of scum. But this film is worth the watch, so we’re hoping you’ll use this link to go to Drafthouse Films and either rent or buy it. Do it for Jim.

We have no excuse. We geeked out hard on Miami Connection. Can you blame us? Just feast on the pure 80’s goodness of it all.

Y.K. Kim is Luka’s new heart-throb. Just watch how he de-escalates a volatile situation with very little English and stiff arm movements.

We also talked about the movie’s original, darker ending. “Peas! Don’t die, peas! You need to see your fahdor! Peas!” “Stop spitting in his face, dude, he’s dying!”

This is the song that made Skullard do a spit-take. How dare that other band accuse Dragon Sounds of doing kid’s music? Honesty! Loyalty! We’ll be together through thick and thin!

And finally, just because it makes us smile, please enjoy this great moment in labor relations.

Behold, here be Skullard’s adolescence in all of it’s prime-time network glory. It’s tough when your fondest television memories turn out to be a bucket of suck.

Wizards and Warriors wasn’t completely without visual merit. We could watch this lady walk down stairs all day. “Dirk, is your armor puffy or are you just happy to see me?”

What would you do if two playful bear cubs came gallumping into your campground? Why, you’d probably feed them bacon, of course. Using yummy, aromatic meat treats to positively reinforce the behavior of bears returning to human territories could never cause a lick of trouble in the future, right? What Could Go Wrong, indeed! Fortunately all of the resulting bloodshed and carnage occurred in the now forbidden First Edition of Black Bear Twins (1952).

147 Desecration

147 Desecration Luka and Skullard have been sick with colds, insomnia, and various other horrifying maladies. But now we have come back to pod a cast again for your temporary amusement. This episode will answer several of your burning questions such as; how long does it take to clean up a pile of sticks? What will non-pregnant Luka name her non-existent baby? What do Justin Long’s Eyeballs taste like? Why is there a security camera hidden in that window? Does Panera Bread control our fate? What would license plate Jesus do? And so on!

My little brother was hit by a car. AGAIN. What an idiot! Maybe throwing a bunch of dull statistics in his face will teach him a lesson about bicycle safety. Please enjoy the blatent tomfoolery of The Bicycle Clown (1958)!

The apocalypse is nigh! Isn’t it always? Anyway, admit your sins and fall to your knees, jackass!


142 Your Ignorance Is Not My Fault

142 Your Ignorance Is Not My Fault

For years, the world over, many people had very good associations with the brand name “Cadbury”,
And all year they’d dream of chocolate eggs filled with cream – In any Easter basket they always reigned supreme.
But this week we find out that Kraft is going to mess with the sacred eggs we love so much – they’re fucking with the recipe,
To save a little money, “Yeah, they’ll taste a little funny, but don’t worry, we’ll still give you the chicken-clucking bunnies.”
They don’t care about the difference an ingredient makes, but if you’re going to fuck with my Cadbury Eggs, fuck you! Fuck you!

Hey Kraft, you want to change something? Maybe you should start with those mac and cheese boxes and oversized marshmallows,
Or those American Singles, the ones that taste like shingles and clog up your bloodstream ’till your left arm tingles.
You can’t trust anything in this world when you have all of these greedy corporate bastards taking short-cuts with the quality,
Of stuff we’ve loved since childhood – do they really think that we would spend our money on these eggs that won’t taste the way that they should?
I know one hand gives while the other hand takes, but you’re going to take away my Cadbury Eggs? Fuck you! Fuck you!

The local pharmacy had these on the clearance table, so Skullard bought them out. Sure, they’re from Halloween, but so what? These are desperate times.
142 eggs

Luka has a new boyfriend. Handsome devil, isn’t he?
142 guitar

These are totally unnecessary. We bought some for Luka immediately.

In Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) we get this great catfight when Blinka and her two friends gang up on Bertha in an epic battle of the bulges. Uncle Pervy stands there watching, apparently enjoying the spectacle as much as we do.

(Want more choreographed girl-on-girl violence? Make sure to check out What Could Go Wrong?’s B-Horror Catfight Playlist.)

Some relationships scar you for life. Jeanne gets plenty of attention from the fellas, but she likes to run with the bad boys. Nick has the need for speed, and driving fast really revs Jeanne’s engine. Does anyone NOT see where this is going? Needless to say, once Jeanne is released from the hospital, she realizes things can never be the same for her and her disfigured mug. That fateful night has turned out to be her Last Date (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Guitars make everything better. It’s a fact. Just look at this guy. He was going to throw himself into a Safeway cardboard compactor after he only got Runner-up in an Ernest Borgnine Look-a-Like contest. He had no girl, no dog, and his truck was repossessed (or maybe it was his dog that got repossessed – that part’s a little fuzzy), but his brother gave him a used guitar and a bottle of Listerine. He learned four chords and suddenly he realized he had all the makings of a country musician. Now he has friends in bars he would have never bothered going into before. He has something to talk about with like-minded idiots. People don’t immediately hate him. He has something else to do with his hands. The world is now a better place because of that guitar. The mouthwash was a big help too.

141 Shrimp Nite

141 Shrimp Nite
This may surprise you, but we actually play the lotto. It’s true, we toss hard-earned money away on the “stupidity tax” every month just to see our numbers never come up. We’re never going to win, and we know that. But we don’t play Powerball believing that some day we’ll hit it and become stinking rich. We play so that we can dream. Dreaming is completely different than believing. Carrying around a pocket full of “what if” and “wouldn’t it be nice” beats being weighed down by chains of “someday”. We’ll take a playful optimism over impatient surety any day of the week, but mostly on Wednesdays and Saturdays when they do the drawings. And should the impossible ever happen and we do win, we can devote ourselves full-time to this podcast. Either that, or we’re outta here, suckers.

Galaxy Invader (1985) is as entertaining as a worn-through, sweat-stained t-shirt. To be fair, the shirt might be more compelling. Here’s two of the shirt’s finest scenes from a film otherwise meant to be avoided at all cost.

K is for the keyhole you look through to view this twisted scene from a little girl’s nightmare. Ketchup? Is that really what’s staining the floor? Is the kangaroo kindly kissing that kitten, or merely tasting it? And who tied a kite to someone’s pet, then opened the damned window? A kitten komes akross a krime scene, kauses kaos and konfusion, receives the kiss of death from a kagey kangaroo and is killed via kite by a kryptic kriminal. It’s a konspiracy, I tell you!

We have a theory that the only reason they made I Dream of Jeannie was so they could dress up Barbara Eden up in different outfits like the living doll that she is. Feel free to pause this and go frame by frame as needed.

Luka’s latest discovery on Netflix is the Canadian horror/thriller series Darknet. Check out this playlist of their short teasers and see if it whets your appetite . . . for blood!

Sam Robertson thought speeding was cool. Now he’s dead. SPOILER! But why, people? Why!?! Find out What Made Sammy Speed? (1957)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hey, back off . . . that’s our bran, asshole. Don’t make us prove it, bitch. You don’t wanna know what happens to people who come between my girls and I and our fucking bran!”

140 I’m Gonna Spank You Silly

140 I'm Gonna Spank You Silly

New Year’s greetings to you, gentle listeners. Rather than comment on how awful 2014 was or make any questionable resolutions about how we won’t skip weeks of episodes in the year to come (ahem), let us hip you to the jive of our YouTube channel. Luka’s been doing her HorrorSnark channel for some years now, building up a huge collection of the tacky, retro and bizarre. Now she’s calling it “What Could Go Wrong?”, basing the name on some show or something . . . it’s an internet thing, we think. Please do check it out (and subscribe) at the What Could Go Wrong? YouTube Channel.

He should dress ‘im up all fancy in a matching suit and pants! Aw, how roly-poly.

Looks like a “Loser” to us.

“Hey Morton, pass the salt.” Nothing shines up a brand new paint job like burying a car in road salt. We suggest parking somewhere else in the future.


Just what every little girl wants for Christmas: Dil-Doh. Seriously, no one at Hasbro said, “Wait a second . . .”

This is horrifying. A child with a encephalopathic head tries to poison his dog with common household items. Then, for some reason, it gets racist. Watch this Precious Moments child try to kill his pet in Sniffy Escapes Poisoning (1967).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “I’m gonna play with my baby bongos, have fun every day with my baby bongos . . . a bird is on that basket, not a baby in a casket so it’s not another baby corpse.”

132 Deeply Ashamed


Okay, for the record, THIS is a cat:

THIS is a catgirl:

And THIS is just fine with Skullard:

Lawyer: “Your Honor, I’m afraid my client’s appearance might unduly influence the jury’s opinion of his guilt or innocence.”
Judge: “I’ve got no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”


Industrial safety is no laughing matter, but putting a Honkey-Tonk guitar soundtrack to crippling injuries is another matter entirely. Watch sweaty men with varying degrees of facial hair nearly maim themselves in order to make a living in Shake Hands With Danger.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hello Kitty is a girl just like you!” Okay, then what the hell is this?

121 Violence And Boobs

121 Violence and BoobsA “man-crush” is what an average straight cis guy gets when he sees another man who’s so beautiful that he can understand the attraction. Back in the 80’s, a young Skullard started going to the theater every week that his favorite movie Flash Gordon was playing. And as he watched the sexy-hot Princess Aura kissing Prince Barin, he found himself admitting that they were both getting a pretty good deal there.
Timothy Dalton
Not long after that, CBS came out with this great fantasy sit-com called Wizards and Warriors. So taken was our young Skullard with the show’s villain Dirk Blackpool (Duncan Regher) that he started walking around wearing his black ski jacket with the collar pulled way up like he was trying to receive satellite transmissions.
Of course, now-a-days our boy just watches Stephen Amell of Arrow doing that pull-up bar routine of his and rewinds it over and over.
Nothing wrong with any of that, right?

Speaking of man-crushes, Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) came back this week in Showtime’s new Victorian horror series Penny Dreadful. Can’t say much about it yet because there’s only been one episode, but it does have Victor Frankenstein, Dorian Grey and Timothy Dalton in it. Did we mention it features Timothy Dalton? Timothy Dalton.

This is the trailer for Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) that we deemed a little much for our Facebook page. To be honest, it’s a bit much for any page, but we trust you not to watch if you can’t handle it. Skullard couldn’t. He’s in the corner right now hugging his knees and asking Hello Kitty to tell him a pretty story please.

You may think this is a simple classroom discussion film about rumors and the dangers of jumping to conclusions, but it’s actually a complex allegory. Jean and Laura are best friends who call each other “best friends” several times a day to tamp down on the smoldering passion of a love that dare not speak its name. Frida is a foxy little slattern who dishes dirt all day, privy to all the ins and outs of high school intrigue. Laura (President Obama) is in a position to nominate Jean (Susan Rice) for the position of Pep Club President (Secretary of State), but Foxy News Frida tries to queer the deal with misinformation and “I’m just telling you what I saw” rumor-mongering. Will Obama stay the course and nominate his first pick for this vital cabinet position, or will he cave to pressure cooked up from right-wing pundits? Find out in The Gossip (1955).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Meet Mervin and Marva Mopes of Torkle, AK. No kidding. Their motto: “Good Behavior For Your Savior”. Still not kidding. Luka and I may not be going anywhere on this vacation, but thank Shaundakul we aren’t traveling anywhere with these people. Though to be fair, when these people pimp their ride, they don’t scrimp on the stereo equipment. Or does a roof-mounted bullhorn count more as mono than stereo? I tried asking but couldn’t hear the answer because my eardrums were bleeding.

120 Just Leave

120 Just LeaveHappy Easter. Jesus was married!?! According to recent archaeological findings, our Lord and Savior was some lady’s “Special Guy”. He was not only the Son of God, but the husband of Tracey. He had a mission to reconcile mankind to their Creator and a “Honey-Do” list. “How is it you work all week as a carpenter, but this table you promised to fix four months ago is still wobbly? And don’t think I’m going to be the one cleaning the wine stains out of the bathtub again. Just how does that happen anyway? I swear, your mother sure did a number on you. You walk around here like you’re Yaweh on earth, but you can barely keep your own feet washed. And speaking of that, who was that woman I saw you with? Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about that whore who was crying all over your feet and wiping them with her hair. What have you been up to!?! Sure, you say you’re just going out with all your loser fishing buddies, but people keep saying they see you with tax collectors and hookers. Are we in some kind of financial trouble? And what’s with all this ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ garbage? Just how many women have you been with? Christ! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mister!” And then, on the third day, the stone was rolled away from His tomb and Jesus rose from the dead. He appeared to his disciples who were in shock and disbelief, and to them He said, “All these things I have done so that man may know salvation. But don’t tell my wife, okay? Just give me a few days to enjoy this.”

Hello Kitty is oh so happy to show you our new What Could Go Wrong? business card. Coming soon to a restaurant fish bowl near you.

Take it from Mr. Murray, the debate coach who can’t speak a sentence and a half without looking down at his notes. Ray knew how to win speech tournaments and how to almost touch Marilyn’s boobs while standing too close. But when Marilyn wins the big contest, Ray’s compassionate dad makes him feel like some little girl’s bitch. Will sour-puss Ray learn the wisdom of the words, “You can win a lot of respect and inner strength by becoming a good loser”? Or will he figure out that’s bullshit. Find out in The Good Loser (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: When the Night of the Lepus comes, it’s time to fight fire with fire. Or fur with fur, as it were.


119 Triple Word Score

119 Triple Word ScoreThe Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry using a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and usually touching on traditional or classic Japanese themes. For example:

Cherry blossoms fall
Landing softly on her cheek
Don’t fuck your sister

Watching Strike Witches
The girls fly and shoot big guns
But where are their pants?

In the Maid Café
The girls bow and say “Master”
I need more money

I chose you on sight
Together we battle dweebs
You’re a Pokémon

With her cheeks blushing
The tentacles everywhere
That’s some fucked up porn

In 1986, poor Kristy Swanson got suckered into doing the robot by Wes Craven who was in turn suckered into making a half-assed horror film out of an ill conceived sci-fi/romance along the lines of Romeo and Julie-8. So many people couldn’t be blamed for this tragically bad movie, but Deadly Friend was crappy nonetheless, and not even murder by basketball could save it.

We keep talking about NBC’s Hannibal like it’s some exercise in horror/art. What could have ever given us that impression?

In last week’s educational short we learned about The Bully. This week, the bully is the narrator who badgers and berates a little wallflower for not conforming to the group. Remember, different it bad, individualism is worse, and if you can’t go along with the crowd than you’re wrong-wrong-WRONG! Now toe the line and watch The Outsider like you’re supposed to, you ostracized freak.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: understandable reactions to Skullard’s haikus.

117 A Drop Of Vengeance

117 A Drop Of Vengeance“You don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.” Damn, we thought we knew. Geez, we’ve been messing around with all this fake love all these years, thinking we were happy, just being loveless losers. We wish somebody would have told us. What other things are we completely ignorant about?

“You don’t know what happiness is until you know Jesus. You don’t know what pampering is until you’ve had a spa day. You don’t know what chocolate is until you’ve had a Godiva truffle. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You don’t know what’s gone until you’ve checked the inventory. You don’t know what drunk is until you’ve been plastered on Jaeger bombs. You don’t know Einstein’s theory of special relativity is true until you’ve observed the light rays of stars bend from the force of the sun’s gravity during a solar eclipse. You don’t know True Detective until you’ve worked out who the Yellow King is. You don’t know what porn is until you’ve watched All Natural Nurses 3. You don’t know how a book ends until you’ve read it. You don’t know what taking an interest in others is until you work for the NSA. You don’t know trivia games until you’ve played YOU DON’T KNOW JACK. You don’t know what other people think of you until you’re dead, and then you find out they never really thought about you much at all. You don’t know what to eat until you’ve seen the menu. You don’t know true pain until you let me show you. You don’t know what true poverty is until we swap your life with a rag-picker in Calcutta that we’ve had our eye on.”

We do know what true self-importance is because we’ve talked to parents of children.

Belial, the more charismatic of the two brothers from Basket Case, gets on his dancing shoes (after a fashion) and shows you his moves. He’s only seventeen!

Employers beware; your workers may be nursing a grudge against you. Why don’t you all sit down together and talk it out before somebody gets mad and complains to the union? Learn your lesson by watching The Hidden Grievance (1957)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Someday, Trudy, you’ll have a bun like this in your little oven, and then you’ll be a real woman.”

“Aw, but I wanted to be an Olympic shot-putter when I grew up.”

“Don’t be stupid. Now shut up and bake, wench.”