OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

Welcome back us. Strap in, faithful friends, because this is a long one. It’s been so long since we’d gotten our chat on, it was hard to reign ourselves in. So sit back, have a listen, then go do some stuff, come back, get comfy again, listen some more, then go do something else, then come back again, kill some zombies, find a safe place, kill some more zombies, wash, rinse, repeat.

All of Luka’s enemies eventually fall before her might. Here is the nemesis carwash being brought down, after which Luka walked over to the cleared rubble and salted the earth. Such is the fate of all who mess with the King of Gotham.

Ah, a classic public service announcement from the magic underwear people. Who knew a retired operatic tenor lived in that brownstone? When Skullard broke that window when he was a kid, he didn’t sing his confession to his parents – he just pointed to the puppet on his hand and said, “This guy has something he needs to confess.”

Finally, the big guy gets a little appreciation. Godzilla (still pronounced “Gojira” by those silly folks who made him up) has received full citizenship by Japanese authorities and been named a cultural ambassador. But, when you think about it, what else are you going to do? Tell him “No”?


Do you know Pingu? If not, you’re about to meet his grandfather. Way back in 1926 somebody sat down with some clay and went frame by frame to tell the tale of a bird spanking its kid for eating a whole fish. Ah shit, SPOILER! Oh well, there’s still enough surprises to enchant you in The Penwiper.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Wanna watch all them great (and suckie) shows that we talked about? You’re gonna need a TV to do it, so why not get y’self one of them new-fangled Hi-Brite Imperial Television Consoles? This magical media machine has a 23″ screen plus Hi-Fi and automatic record changer all in a genuine wood cabinet the approximate size and weight as a crate full surface to air missles. Available in either Eskimo or Tahitian design, so it’s guaranteed to match any décor with the lights off.


“Say Luka . . . I know you’re busy being the King and all. But I was hoping, maybe . . . a hand?”

“Him? You’re gonna cut him loose? C’mon, who’s your press agent here? Seriously?”

147 Desecration

147 Desecration Luka and Skullard have been sick with colds, insomnia, and various other horrifying maladies. But now we have come back to pod a cast again for your temporary amusement. This episode will answer several of your burning questions such as; how long does it take to clean up a pile of sticks? What will non-pregnant Luka name her non-existent baby? What do Justin Long’s Eyeballs taste like? Why is there a security camera hidden in that window? Does Panera Bread control our fate? What would license plate Jesus do? And so on!

My little brother was hit by a car. AGAIN. What an idiot! Maybe throwing a bunch of dull statistics in his face will teach him a lesson about bicycle safety. Please enjoy the blatent tomfoolery of The Bicycle Clown (1958)!

The apocalypse is nigh! Isn’t it always? Anyway, admit your sins and fall to your knees, jackass!


142 Your Ignorance Is Not My Fault

142 Your Ignorance Is Not My Fault

For years, the world over, many people had very good associations with the brand name “Cadbury”,
And all year they’d dream of chocolate eggs filled with cream – In any Easter basket they always reigned supreme.
But this week we find out that Kraft is going to mess with the sacred eggs we love so much – they’re fucking with the recipe,
To save a little money, “Yeah, they’ll taste a little funny, but don’t worry, we’ll still give you the chicken-clucking bunnies.”
They don’t care about the difference an ingredient makes, but if you’re going to fuck with my Cadbury Eggs, fuck you! Fuck you!

Hey Kraft, you want to change something? Maybe you should start with those mac and cheese boxes and oversized marshmallows,
Or those American Singles, the ones that taste like shingles and clog up your bloodstream ’till your left arm tingles.
You can’t trust anything in this world when you have all of these greedy corporate bastards taking short-cuts with the quality,
Of stuff we’ve loved since childhood – do they really think that we would spend our money on these eggs that won’t taste the way that they should?
I know one hand gives while the other hand takes, but you’re going to take away my Cadbury Eggs? Fuck you! Fuck you!

The local pharmacy had these on the clearance table, so Skullard bought them out. Sure, they’re from Halloween, but so what? These are desperate times.
142 eggs

Luka has a new boyfriend. Handsome devil, isn’t he?
142 guitar

These are totally unnecessary. We bought some for Luka immediately.

In Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) we get this great catfight when Blinka and her two friends gang up on Bertha in an epic battle of the bulges. Uncle Pervy stands there watching, apparently enjoying the spectacle as much as we do.

(Want more choreographed girl-on-girl violence? Make sure to check out What Could Go Wrong?’s B-Horror Catfight Playlist.)

Some relationships scar you for life. Jeanne gets plenty of attention from the fellas, but she likes to run with the bad boys. Nick has the need for speed, and driving fast really revs Jeanne’s engine. Does anyone NOT see where this is going? Needless to say, once Jeanne is released from the hospital, she realizes things can never be the same for her and her disfigured mug. That fateful night has turned out to be her Last Date (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Guitars make everything better. It’s a fact. Just look at this guy. He was going to throw himself into a Safeway cardboard compactor after he only got Runner-up in an Ernest Borgnine Look-a-Like contest. He had no girl, no dog, and his truck was repossessed (or maybe it was his dog that got repossessed – that part’s a little fuzzy), but his brother gave him a used guitar and a bottle of Listerine. He learned four chords and suddenly he realized he had all the makings of a country musician. Now he has friends in bars he would have never bothered going into before. He has something to talk about with like-minded idiots. People don’t immediately hate him. He has something else to do with his hands. The world is now a better place because of that guitar. The mouthwash was a big help too.

141 Shrimp Nite

141 Shrimp Nite
This may surprise you, but we actually play the lotto. It’s true, we toss hard-earned money away on the “stupidity tax” every month just to see our numbers never come up. We’re never going to win, and we know that. But we don’t play Powerball believing that some day we’ll hit it and become stinking rich. We play so that we can dream. Dreaming is completely different than believing. Carrying around a pocket full of “what if” and “wouldn’t it be nice” beats being weighed down by chains of “someday”. We’ll take a playful optimism over impatient surety any day of the week, but mostly on Wednesdays and Saturdays when they do the drawings. And should the impossible ever happen and we do win, we can devote ourselves full-time to this podcast. Either that, or we’re outta here, suckers.

Galaxy Invader (1985) is as entertaining as a worn-through, sweat-stained t-shirt. To be fair, the shirt might be more compelling. Here’s two of the shirt’s finest scenes from a film otherwise meant to be avoided at all cost.

K is for the keyhole you look through to view this twisted scene from a little girl’s nightmare. Ketchup? Is that really what’s staining the floor? Is the kangaroo kindly kissing that kitten, or merely tasting it? And who tied a kite to someone’s pet, then opened the damned window? A kitten komes akross a krime scene, kauses kaos and konfusion, receives the kiss of death from a kagey kangaroo and is killed via kite by a kryptic kriminal. It’s a konspiracy, I tell you!

We have a theory that the only reason they made I Dream of Jeannie was so they could dress up Barbara Eden up in different outfits like the living doll that she is. Feel free to pause this and go frame by frame as needed.

Luka’s latest discovery on Netflix is the Canadian horror/thriller series Darknet. Check out this playlist of their short teasers and see if it whets your appetite . . . for blood!

Sam Robertson thought speeding was cool. Now he’s dead. SPOILER! But why, people? Why!?! Find out What Made Sammy Speed? (1957)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hey, back off . . . that’s our bran, asshole. Don’t make us prove it, bitch. You don’t wanna know what happens to people who come between my girls and I and our fucking bran!”

140 I’m Gonna Spank You Silly

140 I'm Gonna Spank You Silly

New Year’s greetings to you, gentle listeners. Rather than comment on how awful 2014 was or make any questionable resolutions about how we won’t skip weeks of episodes in the year to come (ahem), let us hip you to the jive of our YouTube channel. Luka’s been doing her HorrorSnark channel for some years now, building up a huge collection of the tacky, retro and bizarre. Now she’s calling it “What Could Go Wrong?”, basing the name on some show or something . . . it’s an internet thing, we think. Please do check it out (and subscribe) at the What Could Go Wrong? YouTube Channel.

He should dress ‘im up all fancy in a matching suit and pants! Aw, how roly-poly.

Looks like a “Loser” to us.

“Hey Morton, pass the salt.” Nothing shines up a brand new paint job like burying a car in road salt. We suggest parking somewhere else in the future.


Just what every little girl wants for Christmas: Dil-Doh. Seriously, no one at Hasbro said, “Wait a second . . .”

This is horrifying. A child with a encephalopathic head tries to poison his dog with common household items. Then, for some reason, it gets racist. Watch this Precious Moments child try to kill his pet in Sniffy Escapes Poisoning (1967).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “I’m gonna play with my baby bongos, have fun every day with my baby bongos . . . a bird is on that basket, not a baby in a casket so it’s not another baby corpse.”

132 Deeply Ashamed


Okay, for the record, THIS is a cat:

THIS is a catgirl:

And THIS is just fine with Skullard:

Lawyer: “Your Honor, I’m afraid my client’s appearance might unduly influence the jury’s opinion of his guilt or innocence.”
Judge: “I’ve got no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”


Industrial safety is no laughing matter, but putting a Honkey-Tonk guitar soundtrack to crippling injuries is another matter entirely. Watch sweaty men with varying degrees of facial hair nearly maim themselves in order to make a living in Shake Hands With Danger.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hello Kitty is a girl just like you!” Okay, then what the hell is this?

124 Cash Dollars

124 Cash Dollars

Christopher Walken – scary-ass mother fucker. Jon Voight – creepy-ass mother fucker. If they ever joined forces, the world as we know it would be doomed. But if these two bad-ass mother fuckers ever faced each other in mortal combat, who would win? WHO WOULD WIN!?!

Can you help George’s disembodied conscience? Phooey! It’s no use when it comes to old George. He’s the worst griper there ever was. Why, he ruins everything for everybody. How? Because everybody listens to every shit-talking word that comes out of his mouth, then discusses it among themselves. Darn George. Why does he have to be so negative and influential? Maybe if his conscience didn’t keep leaving his body he’d be a nicer person. Ever think of that, stupid conscience? Fixate on the school dick in The Griper (1948).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Families love Cheerios. Get the whole family together to enjoy a bowl of Cheerios. Why? Because this is what you people will look like if you all eat Shredded Wheat.

119 Triple Word Score

119 Triple Word ScoreThe Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry using a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and usually touching on traditional or classic Japanese themes. For example:

Cherry blossoms fall
Landing softly on her cheek
Don’t fuck your sister

Watching Strike Witches
The girls fly and shoot big guns
But where are their pants?

In the Maid Café
The girls bow and say “Master”
I need more money

I chose you on sight
Together we battle dweebs
You’re a Pokémon

With her cheeks blushing
The tentacles everywhere
That’s some fucked up porn

In 1986, poor Kristy Swanson got suckered into doing the robot by Wes Craven who was in turn suckered into making a half-assed horror film out of an ill conceived sci-fi/romance along the lines of Romeo and Julie-8. So many people couldn’t be blamed for this tragically bad movie, but Deadly Friend was crappy nonetheless, and not even murder by basketball could save it.

We keep talking about NBC’s Hannibal like it’s some exercise in horror/art. What could have ever given us that impression?

In last week’s educational short we learned about The Bully. This week, the bully is the narrator who badgers and berates a little wallflower for not conforming to the group. Remember, different it bad, individualism is worse, and if you can’t go along with the crowd than you’re wrong-wrong-WRONG! Now toe the line and watch The Outsider like you’re supposed to, you ostracized freak.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: understandable reactions to Skullard’s haikus.

116 A General Stink

116 A General StinkBack when we were in school, on St. Patrick’s Day you were expected to wear something green on your person. If you were caught without some green on you, other people were allowed to pinch you. It was never clear if this was official policy or whether school administrators simply looked the other way, put this punitive system was vigorously enforced. You either conformed to the arbitrary one day dress code or you were pinched. And it was up to whoever was applying the fingers of justice where you got pinched and how hard. Some of these people were rank bastards about it. And it wasn’t a one-off either. Anyone catching you without green got to squeeze a bit of your flesh regardless of how many welts you’d already endured by that point. What this system had to do with Ireland or Catholicism was anybody’s guess, but when the morning of March 17th came around, you sure weren’t thinking about saints. You were digging in your closet and sock drawers for anything that would save your skin. But once you were properly attired, there was no guarantee you wouldn’t get micro-groped by those overly enthusiastic assholes who lived by the maxim “Pinch first, ask questions later.” So perhaps you went on the offensive, snapping out at others and playing color-cop in order to forestall any assaults on your own person. Or maybe you just hunkered down, wearing three long-sleeved shirts and a jacket, waiting for lunch recess when the worst of it would be over. Either way, it was a relief when you were finally old enough for St. Patrick’s Day to become a drinking holiday which has everything to do with Ireland and Catholicism.

This is Echo, one of Luka’s role-playing characters. She’s leveled up and up to the point where she’s so powerful, she’s one the verge of the divine, much like her cleavage. But she can’t just become a goddess by filling out an application at the post office. She needs to attract worshipers by performing godly acts. Luka would like your help coming up with godly acts for Echo to perform (beyond the pornographic ones that Skullard has already provided in full and horrendous detail). Please go to our Facebook page and give your suggestions for how we can elevate Echo to the heavenly realms. Because this is important. Vital, even.

The secretary is an invaluable asset to every office environment, performing her duties with prompt efficiency and foresight. If she does her job properly (and it is, of course, a “she“), everything runs so smoothly that you would hardly notice she’s there. It’s only when she screws up or is a slob that she draws attention to herself, and who would want that? Certainly not any man she works for. Learn how to keep your head down and work like a good little drone in A Secretary’s Day (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a couple of precious snowflakes being protected by a celestial guardian and a useless dog. So nice of Kensington Funeral Home to remind us to keep our kiddies safe, isn’t it? Seems like such a public service runs the risk of cutting into their bottom line. But look at what they’re promoting: “Leave it in God’s hands. Trust the survival of your children to the angels and various loyal animals. Every thing will be fine now that you know heaven’s winged bodyguards are on the job. So let your kids play in the street with abandon.” Thanks Kensington Funeral Home.

109 Hocus Pocus

109 Hocus Pocus Luka and Skullard gear up for another battle with the Landlord From Hell as once again water comes pouring down from the ceiling. (NO IT DOESN’T!) But don’t worry, everything’s apparently fine forever. Unless of course, Skullard manages to lock himself out of the building again.

This week’s bad movie has been known to cause so much biting of nails and wetting of pants that its trailer was pulled from television. Anthony Hopkins descends into insanity alongside a figure which frightened him both on and off-screen in this week’s Bad Movie: Magic (1978).

Watch happily as a foolish young boy is nearly bitten by snakes and kicked by horses in this week’s thrilling educational short Safety With Animals (1961)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Cheer up, everyone! It’s Soup Swap Day! Om nom nom! And who wouldn’t want to swap such appetizing bowls of vomit as these from “Thorton Truckstop Diner – Serving a variety of tempting, delicious, home-cooked foods at popular prices. Con Mucho Gusto!” As if there wasn’t enough to fear in Beaumont, Texas.