In our Imaginary Lives as Elves, our characters have been exploring the Hunter’s Maze in the subterranean city of Ilmuria to find a lost weapon that will help us in the coming war against the serpentfolk. As it turns out, the weapon is a cyclops general who’s been in temporal stasis for several millenia, but he’s ready to rejoin the ancient war against the snake people and help us stop them from bringing back their decapitated snake-god from the dead. With this kinda thrilling bullshit to distract us from real life, what would be so much fun that we’d put the dice away for a few hours? What Could Go Wrong? of course! And damn it, we did have a ball doing the show this week. It was worth putting an end to the killing . . . for now.
Heroic old women and shitty bank robbers were in the news this week, but for all the amazing stories we had to share, we just couldn’t shut up about all the television we’ve been watching. Now that’s news! Been wondering if Alcatraz and Touch are worth a view? Is it too late to get into Grimm, Luka’s favorite show? We take on the mantle of TV reviewers with all the class and credibility that you’ve come to expect from us. In other words, get ready for the hand-job jokes.
In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka leads us through a meandering mish-mash of mattress mayhem with 1977’s Deathbed: The Bed That Eats. This film is so bad that it simply must be intentional, but even that’s in question because even as it tries to mock itself, it can’t even do that well. Still, Luka labels this mess as a Lousy Intentionally Bad Movie. There are no sympathetic characters to cheer for, and the villain is bed for chrissakes. The only continuity is provided by a ghost stuck in a painting who’s even more bored with the story than we are. Still, the film got made, which is amazing in itself, and it also inspired Patton Oswalt to do a bit about it for his album Werewolves and Lollipops. You don’t need to see the film to enjoy his treatment of it, which you can listen to here . . . until the link gets taken down, that is.
Deathbed is hungry for people! And books! And wine! And apples! And fried chicken! And more people! Eat, Deathbed, eat!
Skullard is on about something or another again. What is it this time, home-schooling? Really? That barrel sure is full of fish there, Skully . . . you think that shotgun is going to be enough?
85 year old Dorothea Taylor is 97 pounds of Whup-Ass with a grain shovel. Ask any moose.
As embarrassing as this is, what’s really sad is that some parent is going to use this as a reason to home shcool their kid.
Hidden in the mud of the river Thames for more than 2,000 years, this ancient Roman brothel token was turned over to the Museum of London . . . for a handjob.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here it is, the One and Only Triple Cushion Mattress! The bloody tears of a demon sold separately.
Hey, everyone! Let’s all have fun by respecting others’ property and obeying the rules! Thrill as a little boy learns basic chemistry skills! Will Herb find out about the broken test tube?! Please enjoy this week’s educational short, Let’s Play Fair (1949)!
This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Mr. Moose, children’s television star and ping-pong enthusiast.