In the year 1529, Count Alfonse Piertro Maggiano marched his army to surround the Tuscan village of Pernatucci and lay siege to it. Using his superior force to cut the hamlet off from outside supplies and access to the river, the Count gave the frightened townsfolk a simple choice: “Surrender or die.” Pernatucci’s mayor, Guiseppi D’Angelini came out from the city’s meager walls to negotiate with Count Maggiano.
“Really? Surrender or die, huh? No third option?”
“C’mon, ya kiddin’ me? Yer fucked. Give up already.”
“Why ya gotta be like that? ‘Or DIE!’ ya sez. Don’cha think that’s a bit over the top?”
“Look, how often does a guy get to say that in life? I mean, here I am, sittin’ pretty, and yer all hosed. I’m grabbing life by the short and curlies, my friend. I’m living the dream. So fuckin’ surrender or goddamn die, them’s your options.”
“Okay, okay, you’ve had your little moment, right? You got to deliver your line. I’m glad you’re happy. Now how ’bout spreading a little of that joy and letting up just a bit, huh? I mean, c’mon, we’ve got what? Four, maybe five cows? A nice fountain? My friend Tony makes a comfy boot. Is that what you want? You wanna kill a bunch of country rubes for some quality footwear?”
“I didn’t know you guys made boots.”
“Just Tony. He tried to get his kid to join the business but da little shit ran off ta Paloma to chase skirt.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen. I spent a year or two in Paloma. Some really choice tail.”
“Good fer you. Look, Alfie . . . can I call you Alfie? No? Okay, Your Countness then. Look, we gots jack shit. We would’ve just moved da whole town a couple of years ago, but, y’know, some of us have pets and you just can’t uproot a cat like that, y’know what I mean?”
“I got no idea the fuck you’re talking about. Would ya just give up already?”
“Sorry man, can’t swing it. You’re gonna hafta kill us.”
“Tell ya what . . . how ’bout we say ‘Death or cake’?”
“What, you shitting me? You some kinda transvestite comedian now? Yer offerin’ us cake?”
“No, yer gonna give ME cake. Me and my boys. Really big, really nice cake. Then I let ya live, how about that?”
“My dear Count . . . I’m only gonna say this once: you can have my cake when ya pry it outta my cold dead ass.”
“You sure there ain’t someone else in town I can talk to?”
“Want me to send out Tony?”
“Yeah, you do that. And tell ‘im ta bring me something in a 9-D.”
The cobbler Antonio Stefina only made boots for sizes 12 and up and couldn’t bake a cake to save his life, as it turned out. Not even a cobbler, which was ironic. To this day, the Pernatucci fountain is all that remains of the little village. A plaque on the fountain encourages the reader in bold letters: NEVER GIVE UP! No one’s sure why it’s written in English.
Brainiac (1962) brings the art of arching an eyebrow to a whole new level. Baron Vitelius is one bad ass S.O.B. He’s got witchcraft. He’s got da bitches. He’s got some goo-goo-googly eyes. It’s no wonder the Inquisition has to put this guy to death. But does the Baron go quietly into that good night? Aw, hellz no! Just as he’s being burned at the stake he hitches a ride on a comet and travels through space until he can swing back around three centuries later to exact vengence on the decendants of those who didn’t even kill him to begin with. Reasonable, right? Oh yeah, and he’s a brain-sucking monster now. And rich. Apparently, just before hopping that comet, he put a nickle in his savings account and through the miracle of compound interest he comes back to a fortune. How do you defeat a magical moster with a hankerin’ for headcheese? Find out in this Pretty Good Unintentionally Mexican Bad Movie. Here’s a trailer:
Cheesecake Factory’s Bistro Shrimp Pasta has 3,120 calories, 89 grams of saturated fat, 1,076 milligrams of sodium and comes with a side of Type 2 diabetes.
Another of the C.F.’s high-risk favorites is the Crispy Chicken Costoletta with the same amount of calories as an entire 12 piece bucket of KFC and double the fat. But unlike the KFC bucket, no one expects you to share your Costoletta.
Maggiano’s Little Italy has a Chocolate Zuccotto Cake that weighs one pound per slice and is the equivilant of 15 Hostess Ho Hos. The village of Pernatucci was destroyed to acquire the recipe for this cake.
Johnny Rockets’ Bacon Cheddar Double Hamburger has more calories than three of McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. Instead of a side of fries, it should come with a waiver.
I understand you have an unusual pencil, Jim. I’d like your advice. There are a great many individuals around here, and they’re all growing up. I’ve been watching them. Sometimes they act like children. How the hell old are you really? It’s time to find out by viewing this week’s educational short; Act Your Age (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yep, this is an exploitive souvenier postcard from a long-ago side show act. But now, it might as well be the family photo sent out with the yearly Christmas card. Take a good look: none of these professional chubs would garner a second glance if you saw them at the Sam’s Club, would they? Now we see the freak show every day.
