158 Miami Connection

009 I Saw Three Marvelous Things

Miami Connection is a film like no other. Rarely does Luka say, “You must see this movie!” Considering the films she usually reviews, that would make her a cruel taskmaster and the lowest form of scum. But this film is worth the watch, so we’re hoping you’ll use this link to go to Drafthouse Films and either rent or buy it. Do it for Jim.

We have no excuse. We geeked out hard on Miami Connection. Can you blame us? Just feast on the pure 80’s goodness of it all.

Y.K. Kim is Luka’s new heart-throb. Just watch how he de-escalates a volatile situation with very little English and stiff arm movements.

We also talked about the movie’s original, darker ending. “Peas! Don’t die, peas! You need to see your fahdor! Peas!” “Stop spitting in his face, dude, he’s dying!”

This is the song that made Skullard do a spit-take. How dare that other band accuse Dragon Sounds of doing kid’s music? Honesty! Loyalty! We’ll be together through thick and thin!

And finally, just because it makes us smile, please enjoy this great moment in labor relations.

Behold, here be Skullard’s adolescence in all of it’s prime-time network glory. It’s tough when your fondest television memories turn out to be a bucket of suck.

Wizards and Warriors wasn’t completely without visual merit. We could watch this lady walk down stairs all day. “Dirk, is your armor puffy or are you just happy to see me?”

What would you do if two playful bear cubs came gallumping into your campground? Why, you’d probably feed them bacon, of course. Using yummy, aromatic meat treats to positively reinforce the behavior of bears returning to human territories could never cause a lick of trouble in the future, right? What Could Go Wrong, indeed! Fortunately all of the resulting bloodshed and carnage occurred in the now forbidden First Edition of Black Bear Twins (1952).

OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

Welcome back us. Strap in, faithful friends, because this is a long one. It’s been so long since we’d gotten our chat on, it was hard to reign ourselves in. So sit back, have a listen, then go do some stuff, come back, get comfy again, listen some more, then go do something else, then come back again, kill some zombies, find a safe place, kill some more zombies, wash, rinse, repeat.

All of Luka’s enemies eventually fall before her might. Here is the nemesis carwash being brought down, after which Luka walked over to the cleared rubble and salted the earth. Such is the fate of all who mess with the King of Gotham.

Ah, a classic public service announcement from the magic underwear people. Who knew a retired operatic tenor lived in that brownstone? When Skullard broke that window when he was a kid, he didn’t sing his confession to his parents – he just pointed to the puppet on his hand and said, “This guy has something he needs to confess.”

Finally, the big guy gets a little appreciation. Godzilla (still pronounced “Gojira” by those silly folks who made him up) has received full citizenship by Japanese authorities and been named a cultural ambassador. But, when you think about it, what else are you going to do? Tell him “No”?


Do you know Pingu? If not, you’re about to meet his grandfather. Way back in 1926 somebody sat down with some clay and went frame by frame to tell the tale of a bird spanking its kid for eating a whole fish. Ah shit, SPOILER! Oh well, there’s still enough surprises to enchant you in The Penwiper.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Wanna watch all them great (and suckie) shows that we talked about? You’re gonna need a TV to do it, so why not get y’self one of them new-fangled Hi-Brite Imperial Television Consoles? This magical media machine has a 23″ screen plus Hi-Fi and automatic record changer all in a genuine wood cabinet the approximate size and weight as a crate full surface to air missles. Available in either Eskimo or Tahitian design, so it’s guaranteed to match any décor with the lights off.


“Say Luka . . . I know you’re busy being the King and all. But I was hoping, maybe . . . a hand?”

“Him? You’re gonna cut him loose? C’mon, who’s your press agent here? Seriously?”

141 Shrimp Nite

141 Shrimp Nite
This may surprise you, but we actually play the lotto. It’s true, we toss hard-earned money away on the “stupidity tax” every month just to see our numbers never come up. We’re never going to win, and we know that. But we don’t play Powerball believing that some day we’ll hit it and become stinking rich. We play so that we can dream. Dreaming is completely different than believing. Carrying around a pocket full of “what if” and “wouldn’t it be nice” beats being weighed down by chains of “someday”. We’ll take a playful optimism over impatient surety any day of the week, but mostly on Wednesdays and Saturdays when they do the drawings. And should the impossible ever happen and we do win, we can devote ourselves full-time to this podcast. Either that, or we’re outta here, suckers.

Galaxy Invader (1985) is as entertaining as a worn-through, sweat-stained t-shirt. To be fair, the shirt might be more compelling. Here’s two of the shirt’s finest scenes from a film otherwise meant to be avoided at all cost.

K is for the keyhole you look through to view this twisted scene from a little girl’s nightmare. Ketchup? Is that really what’s staining the floor? Is the kangaroo kindly kissing that kitten, or merely tasting it? And who tied a kite to someone’s pet, then opened the damned window? A kitten komes akross a krime scene, kauses kaos and konfusion, receives the kiss of death from a kagey kangaroo and is killed via kite by a kryptic kriminal. It’s a konspiracy, I tell you!

We have a theory that the only reason they made I Dream of Jeannie was so they could dress up Barbara Eden up in different outfits like the living doll that she is. Feel free to pause this and go frame by frame as needed.

Luka’s latest discovery on Netflix is the Canadian horror/thriller series Darknet. Check out this playlist of their short teasers and see if it whets your appetite . . . for blood!

Sam Robertson thought speeding was cool. Now he’s dead. SPOILER! But why, people? Why!?! Find out What Made Sammy Speed? (1957)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hey, back off . . . that’s our bran, asshole. Don’t make us prove it, bitch. You don’t wanna know what happens to people who come between my girls and I and our fucking bran!”

125 Solar Powered Pants

125 Solar Powered Pants

We don’t need your money. You notice there’s no PayPal button on this page. That’s mostly to avoid the crushing disappointment we’d feel every time we’d check our balance to learn yet again that we hadn’t made a red cent. Which we didn’t need anyway, you remember. But if we really did want to get some cash out of you, which we don’t, we’d post something like this on Facebook, because lawd knows this kind of thing rakes in the dough like gangbusters. In fact, we’ll post it, and even though it’s clearly a joke there will be some well-intentioned nitwit wondering where to donate. And then we can point and laugh at them, both because we still don’t need their money and a charitable heart needs to be crushed every now and then. You know, for it’s own good. In a world of liars and predators, everyone needs a shot to their skepticism once in a while. This is an important service we provide. Would you like to help us in our valuable work? Here’s one way: DON’T SEND US MONEY.


The Mothman has his secrets, some he’s keeping, some he shares
But the mystery for us is whether Mothman even cares
He gives you hints of horrid things about to come to pass
But not enough detail for you to really save your ass
Does Mothman want to help us or is this some kind of test
Those he warns end up often dead just like the rest
Before disaster strikes, Mothman seems to make things tougher
I think he’s just a bastard who likes to watch us suffer.

You know what you should be saving your money for? Making purchases at legitimate retail outlets. Your friends might tell you to save your money for future Facebook donations by shoplifting. Don’t do it. Now, you may be wondering if we mean “Don’t shoplift” or “Don’t donate to Facebook beggars.” Yes.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why beg on the internet for cash when you can sell Tupperware? Tupperware is the perfect product that sells itself. Everyone wants/needs/plays bongos on Tupperware. Need something to bring the soup kitchen leftovers home in? Tupperware! Collecting change on the street, but the “clank-clatter” of coins in that old tin can annoying potential donors? Tupperware! Ain’t gotta pot to piss in? Tupperware! Your cure for crushing poverty is getting yourself some goddamned TUPPERWARE!

OVA Expectations

000 OVA Expectations
This is our vacation week, and what did we do with all that time off? We ate at Panera Bread. “What? The Skullards didn’t eat every meal at Noodles and Co.?” Well, we still ate there as well, but we also ate at Panera Bread, where you can feast on yummy sandwiches and other people’s conversations. Listen in on our conversation and find out why we own so many wigs.

121 Violence And Boobs

121 Violence and BoobsA “man-crush” is what an average straight cis guy gets when he sees another man who’s so beautiful that he can understand the attraction. Back in the 80’s, a young Skullard started going to the theater every week that his favorite movie Flash Gordon was playing. And as he watched the sexy-hot Princess Aura kissing Prince Barin, he found himself admitting that they were both getting a pretty good deal there.
Timothy Dalton
Not long after that, CBS came out with this great fantasy sit-com called Wizards and Warriors. So taken was our young Skullard with the show’s villain Dirk Blackpool (Duncan Regher) that he started walking around wearing his black ski jacket with the collar pulled way up like he was trying to receive satellite transmissions.
Of course, now-a-days our boy just watches Stephen Amell of Arrow doing that pull-up bar routine of his and rewinds it over and over.
Nothing wrong with any of that, right?

Speaking of man-crushes, Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) came back this week in Showtime’s new Victorian horror series Penny Dreadful. Can’t say much about it yet because there’s only been one episode, but it does have Victor Frankenstein, Dorian Grey and Timothy Dalton in it. Did we mention it features Timothy Dalton? Timothy Dalton.

This is the trailer for Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) that we deemed a little much for our Facebook page. To be honest, it’s a bit much for any page, but we trust you not to watch if you can’t handle it. Skullard couldn’t. He’s in the corner right now hugging his knees and asking Hello Kitty to tell him a pretty story please.

You may think this is a simple classroom discussion film about rumors and the dangers of jumping to conclusions, but it’s actually a complex allegory. Jean and Laura are best friends who call each other “best friends” several times a day to tamp down on the smoldering passion of a love that dare not speak its name. Frida is a foxy little slattern who dishes dirt all day, privy to all the ins and outs of high school intrigue. Laura (President Obama) is in a position to nominate Jean (Susan Rice) for the position of Pep Club President (Secretary of State), but Foxy News Frida tries to queer the deal with misinformation and “I’m just telling you what I saw” rumor-mongering. Will Obama stay the course and nominate his first pick for this vital cabinet position, or will he cave to pressure cooked up from right-wing pundits? Find out in The Gossip (1955).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Meet Mervin and Marva Mopes of Torkle, AK. No kidding. Their motto: “Good Behavior For Your Savior”. Still not kidding. Luka and I may not be going anywhere on this vacation, but thank Shaundakul we aren’t traveling anywhere with these people. Though to be fair, when these people pimp their ride, they don’t scrimp on the stereo equipment. Or does a roof-mounted bullhorn count more as mono than stereo? I tried asking but couldn’t hear the answer because my eardrums were bleeding.

119 Triple Word Score

119 Triple Word ScoreThe Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry using a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and usually touching on traditional or classic Japanese themes. For example:

Cherry blossoms fall
Landing softly on her cheek
Don’t fuck your sister

Watching Strike Witches
The girls fly and shoot big guns
But where are their pants?

In the Maid Café
The girls bow and say “Master”
I need more money

I chose you on sight
Together we battle dweebs
You’re a Pokémon

With her cheeks blushing
The tentacles everywhere
That’s some fucked up porn

In 1986, poor Kristy Swanson got suckered into doing the robot by Wes Craven who was in turn suckered into making a half-assed horror film out of an ill conceived sci-fi/romance along the lines of Romeo and Julie-8. So many people couldn’t be blamed for this tragically bad movie, but Deadly Friend was crappy nonetheless, and not even murder by basketball could save it.

We keep talking about NBC’s Hannibal like it’s some exercise in horror/art. What could have ever given us that impression?

In last week’s educational short we learned about The Bully. This week, the bully is the narrator who badgers and berates a little wallflower for not conforming to the group. Remember, different it bad, individualism is worse, and if you can’t go along with the crowd than you’re wrong-wrong-WRONG! Now toe the line and watch The Outsider like you’re supposed to, you ostracized freak.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: understandable reactions to Skullard’s haikus.

116 A General Stink

116 A General StinkBack when we were in school, on St. Patrick’s Day you were expected to wear something green on your person. If you were caught without some green on you, other people were allowed to pinch you. It was never clear if this was official policy or whether school administrators simply looked the other way, put this punitive system was vigorously enforced. You either conformed to the arbitrary one day dress code or you were pinched. And it was up to whoever was applying the fingers of justice where you got pinched and how hard. Some of these people were rank bastards about it. And it wasn’t a one-off either. Anyone catching you without green got to squeeze a bit of your flesh regardless of how many welts you’d already endured by that point. What this system had to do with Ireland or Catholicism was anybody’s guess, but when the morning of March 17th came around, you sure weren’t thinking about saints. You were digging in your closet and sock drawers for anything that would save your skin. But once you were properly attired, there was no guarantee you wouldn’t get micro-groped by those overly enthusiastic assholes who lived by the maxim “Pinch first, ask questions later.” So perhaps you went on the offensive, snapping out at others and playing color-cop in order to forestall any assaults on your own person. Or maybe you just hunkered down, wearing three long-sleeved shirts and a jacket, waiting for lunch recess when the worst of it would be over. Either way, it was a relief when you were finally old enough for St. Patrick’s Day to become a drinking holiday which has everything to do with Ireland and Catholicism.

This is Echo, one of Luka’s role-playing characters. She’s leveled up and up to the point where she’s so powerful, she’s one the verge of the divine, much like her cleavage. But she can’t just become a goddess by filling out an application at the post office. She needs to attract worshipers by performing godly acts. Luka would like your help coming up with godly acts for Echo to perform (beyond the pornographic ones that Skullard has already provided in full and horrendous detail). Please go to our Facebook page and give your suggestions for how we can elevate Echo to the heavenly realms. Because this is important. Vital, even.

The secretary is an invaluable asset to every office environment, performing her duties with prompt efficiency and foresight. If she does her job properly (and it is, of course, a “she“), everything runs so smoothly that you would hardly notice she’s there. It’s only when she screws up or is a slob that she draws attention to herself, and who would want that? Certainly not any man she works for. Learn how to keep your head down and work like a good little drone in A Secretary’s Day (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a couple of precious snowflakes being protected by a celestial guardian and a useless dog. So nice of Kensington Funeral Home to remind us to keep our kiddies safe, isn’t it? Seems like such a public service runs the risk of cutting into their bottom line. But look at what they’re promoting: “Leave it in God’s hands. Trust the survival of your children to the angels and various loyal animals. Every thing will be fine now that you know heaven’s winged bodyguards are on the job. So let your kids play in the street with abandon.” Thanks Kensington Funeral Home.

114 Get In The Trunk

114 Get In The TrunkWhere is the future we were promised? Sure, sure, it’s in the future, we get that, but what about that past future that supposed to be now but isn’t? Flying cars, unlimited life light bulbs and batteries, slammin’ one-piece outfits that glitter, all these things we were promised in movies to have by this time. Okay, movies also predicted several dozen world-ending disasters and societal collapses that we’ve managed to dodge, so maybe we shouldn’t use cinema to build our wish-list. But still, where’s our food replicators? Where’s the teleportation to Moonbase Beta and back? Where’s our universal health care? Regardless of whether they’re controlled by the laws of robotics or SkyNet, where’s our amblitory, humanoid robots and androids? It’s 2014, fer chrissakes, we should at least have holographic television and a chip in our head. What do we actually have, Google glasses? Well, we don’t. Only special people have those. Is that the way it’s going to work from here on? Only privileged people get to enjoy technological innovations while the rest of us sit and wait for next-gen hand-me-downs? That’s a future that sounds a lot like the past, actually. Revolution, we say! Let’s take back our future from those hoity-toity one-percenters. Give us our techno-toys and science wonders before we use some old school tech like bricks and sticks to take them from you. How much good is your Google glass going to do against an axe handle? The future is now . . . OR ELSE!

Inside No. 9 is our new fascination. Here’s the merest taste of what we’ve been gushing about.

Skullard mentioned that his favorite emotive guitarist was David Gilmore who has a birthday this week. What does he mean by emotive? Take a listen.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The High Tide Lounge – Where Friendly People Meet. And drown, apparently.

113 Snow Day

113 Snow DayLike gossamer feathers of small frozen birds the snow came down. And down it came. And even more of it came down because it couldn’t go up, not even back to that huge flock of naked, shivering birds who most likely hate Winter even more than we do, poor things. Such a mighty pile it made, and that over-abundance of crap blocked all access to the road and the world beyond. After a few hours of sisyphian labor trying to carve a path to freedom, both Skullard and his boss said, “Fuck it,” and that’s how we got ourselves a snow day. It’s the first we’ve had in many a year, and though it was paid for dearly in sweat and snot, we gladly made the most of it with hot food, cinnamon coffee and a leisurely afternoon podcast. Join us for a semi-carefree hour of bitching in the warm confines of not-work.

Some people use shovels to move snow. Others would rather carry a shovel around like a beloved pet, giving it a guided tour of buried parking lots and walkways. We have a message for those who are too protective of their special shovel friends.

Every so often we fall accidently into a hobby that could, if not guarded against, take over our lives and body/mass indexes.

Season 2 of House of Cards is worth whatever you’re paying for Netflix and then some. Are you really reading this when you could be watching Frank Underwood redefine evil? Shame on you . . . and it is on you, because Frank knows no shame at all.

Oh no! Do you have to make an important speech at that big business meeting? Are you trembling with yellow-bellied terror at the very idea? Of course you are, you worthless coward! Perhaps this week’s educational short will help you grow a pair. Please enjoy Speech: Stage Fright And What To Do About It (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Combining both “Pig Day” and “Plan A Solo Vacation Day”, here’s a pig humping a scooter. That’s one road trip that won’t turn into a horror movie. OR WILL IT!?!