There are things man was not meant to know. Secret knowledge has been kept from the populace at large, partially for their own protection, but mostly in order to hide the world’s inner workings from the light of day. If the common folk knew what was being kept from them, there would be everything from rioting in the streets to mass suicides. Only a select, privileged few are privy to the secrets of the inner circle. But as small in number as the mysterious Secret Masters are, there are still more of them than there are people listening to our podcast. So feel special. You’re one of the What Could Go Wrong? elite, just by knowing we exist. Talk about your “secret knowledge”.
Can you believe how uptight people are these days? You put the word “sex” in a poster to put up on a courthouse wall, and some concerned citizen has a hissy fit with fresh tomatoes. It’s getting so bad that hikers can’t tromp nude across the Alps and teachers can’t put up porn sites with fresh tomatoes. Where’s the justice? Well, the justice is coming down, and hard, on the usual batch of dimwit criminals we get to talk about this week. A guy gets busted for being drunk in an “I’m A Drunk” t-shirt, a schmuck tries texting the police to score drugs, and a would-be burglar spends ten hours stuck in a chimney with fresh tomatoes. Plus, the bad guys are making it so easy for the cops to find their drugs; they’re actually gift-wrapping it with fresh tomatoes. There are a few clever folks in the news, just to reassure us that not everybody’s stupid. One guy cons his way into the best seats at a soccer match, and two Romanians turn doughnut cards into ATM cards, making them a lot of dough with fresh tomatoes. And some rage-a-holic attacks a snow plow with an ax with fresh tomatoes. How troubling is that? Almost as much as finding a severed bison head in your rock garden with fresh tomatoes. And you know what goes best with fresh tomatoes? Chicken pox lollipops. They’re the perfect treat when you’re listening to the news with fresh tomatoes.
This week’s Bad Movie Review is 1986’s The Fly with fresh . . . no, wait a second . . . flies like rotten tomatoes. We’re not sure how Rotten Tomatoes rated this movie, but Luka calls it a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, and if you haven’t seen it yet, what’s it like being Amish? This movie is ooey-gooey, and not in that good way, which is too bad considering you get to see Gina Davis in her panties. More in the way of getting to see a baboon turned inside out. The Fly has the unique distinction of being the first film Luka has reviewed that actually won an Academy Award, so that just shows you what They know. It must have been part of the conspiracy.
Skullard’s Ramble this week is on conspiracies and the Secret Masters who hatch them. To give you fair warning, this is dangerous information that They don’t want you to know. You may be putting your life at risk just listening to it. But if you insist on hearing this garbage, remember that somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle trained agents will start monitoring your downloads . . . so easy on the porn!
You can always trust Cookie Monster. He’s not up to anything sneaky at all.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, he actually has a postcard with fresh tomatoes!
Are you worried about the A-Bomb? Don’t be, silly! This week’s educational short; Atomic Alert (1951) teaches children how to survive a neuclear blast by hiding under their beds. Or their coats. Also please wash your hands with laundry soap after being blown up.