There are things man was not meant to know. Secret knowledge has been kept from the populace at large, partially for their own protection, but mostly in order to hide the world’s inner workings from the light of day. If the common folk knew what was being kept from them, there would be everything from rioting in the streets to mass suicides. Only a select, privileged few are privy to the secrets of the inner circle. But as small in number as the mysterious Secret Masters are, there are still more of them than there are people listening to our podcast. So feel special. You’re one of the What Could Go Wrong? elite, just by knowing we exist. Talk about your “secret knowledge”.
Can you believe how uptight people are these days? You put the word “sex” in a poster to put up on a courthouse wall, and some concerned citizen has a hissy fit with fresh tomatoes. It’s getting so bad that hikers can’t tromp nude across the Alps and teachers can’t put up porn sites with fresh tomatoes. Where’s the justice? Well, the justice is coming down, and hard, on the usual batch of dimwit criminals we get to talk about this week. A guy gets busted for being drunk in an “I’m A Drunk” t-shirt, a schmuck tries texting the police to score drugs, and a would-be burglar spends ten hours stuck in a chimney with fresh tomatoes. Plus, the bad guys are making it so easy for the cops to find their drugs; they’re actually gift-wrapping it with fresh tomatoes. There are a few clever folks in the news, just to reassure us that not everybody’s stupid. One guy cons his way into the best seats at a soccer match, and two Romanians turn doughnut cards into ATM cards, making them a lot of dough with fresh tomatoes. And some rage-a-holic attacks a snow plow with an ax with fresh tomatoes. How troubling is that? Almost as much as finding a severed bison head in your rock garden with fresh tomatoes. And you know what goes best with fresh tomatoes? Chicken pox lollipops. They’re the perfect treat when you’re listening to the news with fresh tomatoes.
This week’s Bad Movie Review is 1986’s The Fly with fresh . . . no, wait a second . . . flies like rotten tomatoes. We’re not sure how Rotten Tomatoes rated this movie, but Luka calls it a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, and if you haven’t seen it yet, what’s it like being Amish? This movie is ooey-gooey, and not in that good way, which is too bad considering you get to see Gina Davis in her panties. More in the way of getting to see a baboon turned inside out. The Fly has the unique distinction of being the first film Luka has reviewed that actually won an Academy Award, so that just shows you what They know. It must have been part of the conspiracy.
Skullard’s Ramble this week is on conspiracies and the Secret Masters who hatch them. To give you fair warning, this is dangerous information that They don’t want you to know. You may be putting your life at risk just listening to it. But if you insist on hearing this garbage, remember that somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle trained agents will start monitoring your downloads . . . so easy on the porn!
You can always trust Cookie Monster. He’s not up to anything sneaky at all.
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, he actually has a postcard with fresh tomatoes!
Are you worried about the A-Bomb? Don’t be, silly! This week’s educational short; Atomic Alert (1951) teaches children how to survive a neuclear blast by hiding under their beds. Or their coats. Also please wash your hands with laundry soap after being blown up.
I’ll be quick, The Overlords are monitoring this transmission:
Hike!
“You bastards, I was trying to buy the farm”! with fresh tomatoes
Nude hikers with fresh tomatoes quashed by courts! Get your tickets!
“Won’t they get, like, frozen junk”?!?
Support the Christian rehabilitation movement. Any amount will
help get these poor souls off the straight and narrow.
Apenzel Imerhoden and Apenzel Ahserhoden with fresh tomatoes
“Where do they put their water bottle”?
“He’s not nude , he’s wearin’ a necka tie”!
Skullard can’t imagine hiking while Luka was pressed into forced marches
as a child in Canada. You’re gonna like it. Were gonna Sing!
Sex tomatoes. WFTs
I wan’t to be a counselor at The Christian Rehabilitation Camp! “Hello,
My names Houdini, If I could have all the Baptists over here please.
We are going to have a special session with Camp director Skullard.
He has some very interesting ideas to share with you”. “You’re gonna like it!
Were gonna Sing”!
The story of Hiedi Kasland moved me. The plight of Americas teachers and
their struggle to make ends meet,..What…. Oh GROW UP!
Paid Leave? I wonder what she’ll do with her free time.
Officer Dick Fields?
“Couldn‘t get it up?” “Once was enough“. Still laughing.
Special education as a euphamisism!
And now for this weeks segment of “Discourse on Intercourse” We join
Noted Porn Expert Dr Phil Landers. “What’s that you’re holding Phil?
I wanted to comment on the Dunkin Dounut scam,
but my legal council advised against it.
Let’s hear it for clever baseball fans with alliterative names!
You guys breaking into sneaky music vocals cracked me up!
“I think he had more than just a bag of BALLS.”HA!
If you add up the letters in “I’M DRUNK” and multiply the result by
3 , the second number in 23, and then add the first number
in 23 to that number, the resulting number is 23!!!!) WTF!?!
Oh wait, the t-shirt said I’m A drunk….well,…never mind….
That was one bad texting error. “Less than an ounce?!? Well that’s why he had to buy more”.
Don’t document your sins. Always sage advice.
A Gumby outfit .
Oh that’s where I left that cocaine. *Head slap!*
Attack the berm with the axe. Follow with shovel.
Luka, won’t you share another heart warming story about your
Canadian childhood?
“Well back at home they used to say ‘Luka, get out in front
and shovel the fuckin’ driveway’ which is weird, ‘cause I’m
pretty sure that’s not my real name”.
Thanks Luka.
Dating for 17 years….
“Speaking of living, Severed bison head”!Ha! Nice segue shocker!
Labeled Drunks, Labeled Rocks. .
“Why would anyone want to prevent fire”? Overheard at a support group
attended by Smokey the Bear. Disillusionment is so sad.
Ralphie’s ok.
“Cattle mutilators. Look that up on whatever you have”.
Just donate the chicken pox, don’t try to sell them.
My mom took pictures of me and my scabs in my underwear. Man, if I had a nickle for every time I‘ve heard that story. (Could you guys finish this one? I’m getting behind.)
“OOH! Your beautiful wife, I hate her so much”! Oh wait, that’s me.” YOUR’E the beautiful wife!
Nice Goldblum impression.
“Hey wanna see my crazy machine”? “That line never worked for me”.
Coming soon! The startling new web comic “Unfortunate Baboon”!
“Spiders trump flies”.
“It would have been great except for the makeup department”!
“At Least go to the pharmacist. Get it some Aloe..” OMGLOL!
RRRRAIIIID!
“I’ve been desensitized to everything”. That’s how I got this job as a film critic.
“If you don’t want a guy to pick you up kick him in the….”oh yeah.
A disassembled shot gun… :( It’s gonna fuck up your initiative roll. HA!
Seth could have made a mint in shipping
if the Teamsters didn’t get to him first.
Wait, what chip?!?
Earth girls are easy!
Eat their Brains?
“I didn’t see the glass as half full or half empty.
I wanted to know who the hell was drinking out of my glass”! Ahhahaha!
Cookie monster is a nice enough monster as long as he gets his fix.
19!?!
The Osmonds!!
If you don’t believe me Google it then they’ll have your ISP number
I cant’ keep up with this!
The rapist? That’s pronounced “Therapist” if you please.
Butt plug jokes, that’s stretching it.
Oh you beat me to it!
Nice overlord voice!
Never fear for you milk again.
That was great Skullard! I love these Commentaries!
I do wan’t everyone listening to “live free of doubt“. March blithely ahead
knowing for certain that every thought that enters your head
is a good idea that should be acted upon.
What Could Go Wrong?
With fresh tomatoes.
Loved this weeks postcard!
Atomic alert was the bomb!
Great job you two!