032 Death By Cuteness

Sometimes “What Could Go Wrong?” is just the title of our podcast. But sometimes, like this last week, it’s just a question we ask over and over. Or, more correctly, we ask “What Else Could Go Wrong?” The week leading up to this episode was laden with tricks and traps, screw-ups and let-downs, disappointments and all-out catastrophes. And then it was Tuesday. Even as we type, we hit Save Draft every twenty seconds because who knows when the computer is going to crash yet again. We lost our hard drive this week, and all the myriad treasures it contained, so we’re scraping by as best we can to put out this computer-created internet talk show. But none of that is meant as an excuse. When life hands us lemons, we suck ’em, and then do our podcast with a happy pucker. So join us in our defiance against the forces of bumming out and we can all be happy puckers together.

Curly the renegade goat has come home, so take down those yellow ribbons everybody. Life can finally begin anew. Unless you’re Paula Deen, of course, in which case it’s time to begin your diet anew. We learn this week that people on reality shows are creeps (NEWS FLASH!), court reporting is best done with puppets, and that you can rob a place with a staph infection. What you can’t do is jam cell phone signals to keep kids from cheating on tests or make your high school mascot some broad over 40 that likes to bang the lawn boy. My but the news can be so educational sometimes.

From the depths of the Amazon jungle and the cesspit that was 1980 comes the film for this week’s Bad Movie Review, Cannibal Holocaust. Luka calls this controversial film that put it’s director in jail and had him up on murder charges a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. To this day, there’s still debate over just how much of this shock-horror classic is real and how much is movie trickery. Sadly, many animals were harmed in the making of this film, and among the many horrific images that might haunt you after viewing, we doubt you’ll ever be able to sit down to a bowl of turtle soup again.

This guy Dante (no relation) thought he’d do a little DIY brain surgery while he was building a shed. Looks like he nailed it.

Curly the Renegade Goat is back home, safe and sound. After 25 days in the wilderness, his owners have promised never to make him attend church again.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m not sure if I should send this to Paula Deen, or if Paula Deen should send this out to her viewers.

All rise for . . . The Puppet Court!

Even though you are hungry after a tough morning at school, it is important not to be a Mr. Bungle in the lunchroom. Please observe this week’s educational short; Lunchroom Manners (1959)!

029 Uttering A Forged Instrument

Welcome to 2012. What could go wrong? If you believe the Mayans, or certain John Cusack movies, everything. But we had doom-sayers in 2011, didn’t we? And how did that work out? Still had to show up for work, still had to do the laundry, and didn’t get to see the enemies of righteousness get smote by the wrath of a big “G” god. What a let down that was. And thanks to a big stone calendar you could roll down your driveway and into the street to crush passing traffic, a bunch of ancient mathematicians from Central America are getting our hopes up again. You want to hope for the best, but we’ve been burned by apocalyptic teases before. You think, “Hey, maybe the Four Horsemen will really show up this time”, but it turns out to be just a bunch of Shriners on minibikes. It’s hard to stay optimistic about the end of the world, but we here at What Could Go Wrong? are nothing if not optimistic. Hell, it’s in the title! So we here at the podcast wish you all the best in this upcoming, terminal year. Here’s hoping.

A renegade goat is eluding authorities in Minnesota (you can check the Google map of all the recent sightings here) and a cranky croc named Elvis takes a lawnmower hostage for a ransom of kangaroo meat. Believe it or not, those animals are the most intelligent characters in the news this week. All the humans are dumber than stumps. Mental-patient bank robbers, nudists fast food patrons and the guy who asks for change from his million dollar bill at a Walmart make homo sapiens seem less evolved than your average cantankerous reptile.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review this week takes on Dead Silence (2007), a movie with all the elements for a fine creepy film except for any kind of protagonist anyone would give a flying fig about. The movie shows a room full of 101 ventriloquist puppets that never move, and every one of them can out act the main character. The villain was scary, and there is a great twist at the end that makes it worth watching, but unless you’re a compulsive shaver, there’s no one in this film you’re going to relate to. This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie will either leave you speechless, or feeling like a dummy.

Remember last week when Luka told you real-life excuses she’d been given by friends? Wait until you meet her family. Our Luka looks back on the special New Year traditions her family celebrated. And by “celebrated”, we mean “survived.”

And for the New Year, Skullard pulls out an old song. In a new segment called Songs I No Longer Sing, Skullard officially retires one of the songs from his old stage act, never to be performed again. And when you hear these obsolete tunes, dear listener, you’ll know why they’re being sung for the last time.

You can mow Elvis’ lawn when Elvis says you can mow his lawn. Otherwise, he’ll take that mower, and then what will you use? Detective Lipton’s shaver? It’s worth losing a couple of teeth to show everbody who’s boss.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Elvis sent me this one himself. It seems he wants a visit.

This week’s educational short; Ways To Settle Disputes (1950) teaches disagreeing young people some alternatives to murder. Huzzah!