107 Emotional And Bodily Harm

107 Emotional and Bodily Harm

Is Santa Claus dyslexic? The thought, I know, is shocking,
I asked him for a sock monkey; I got a monkey in my stocking,
I woke up and went downstairs to find him hanging from a drape,
It screeched at me and I just stood there shocked with mouth agAPE,
He jumped down on the nativity set scattering all the pieces,
And ran about the room like school kids let out for RHESUS,
Then in a flash he was up the tree and on the star was hammerin’,
I stood there doing nothing but stutterin’ and sTAMARIN,
But when it came to flinging poo, I admit this guy was great,
Out of ten, a superior seven, or even a PRIMATE,
That was when my little brother Derek stumbled in,
He caught the kid just under the mouth giving DeriCAPUCHIN,
A flying turd hit my momma just above the hip,
The monkey HOWLERed in victory like he’d won some championCHIMP,
My mother’s face turned burning red, to rage she had been driven,
No monkey soiling momma’s clothes would ever be forGIBBON,
She tore into the presents searching for items that could kill,
She came up with “Lady’s Knitting Set” and poppa’s new MANDRILL,
She SPIDER prey running away and not the least bit sorry,
MARMOSET off after it, chasing down her quarry,
The monkey was no match for momma’s murderous intent,
Once the bloody deed was done, in a garbage SAKI went,
I swore that day that never again would Santa I confuse,
Until the year I forgot and asked for alligator shoes.

This is a story about blasting caps, the most safe and innocent toys in your child’s bedroom. WAIT! No, that’s not right! Those things are deadly! Deadly, I tell you! Especially in the WRONG HANDS. Do you have the wrong hands? Will you have any hands left when this is all over? Find out the gory truth in Blasting Cap Danger (1957).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Jackson Pollock eat your heart out.