140 I’m Gonna Spank You Silly

140 I'm Gonna Spank You Silly

New Year’s greetings to you, gentle listeners. Rather than comment on how awful 2014 was or make any questionable resolutions about how we won’t skip weeks of episodes in the year to come (ahem), let us hip you to the jive of our YouTube channel. Luka’s been doing her HorrorSnark channel for some years now, building up a huge collection of the tacky, retro and bizarre. Now she’s calling it “What Could Go Wrong?”, basing the name on some show or something . . . it’s an internet thing, we think. Please do check it out (and subscribe) at the What Could Go Wrong? YouTube Channel.

He should dress ‘im up all fancy in a matching suit and pants! Aw, how roly-poly.

Looks like a “Loser” to us.

“Hey Morton, pass the salt.” Nothing shines up a brand new paint job like burying a car in road salt. We suggest parking somewhere else in the future.


Just what every little girl wants for Christmas: Dil-Doh. Seriously, no one at Hasbro said, “Wait a second . . .”

This is horrifying. A child with a encephalopathic head tries to poison his dog with common household items. Then, for some reason, it gets racist. Watch this Precious Moments child try to kill his pet in Sniffy Escapes Poisoning (1967).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “I’m gonna play with my baby bongos, have fun every day with my baby bongos . . . a bird is on that basket, not a baby in a casket so it’s not another baby corpse.”

121 Violence And Boobs

121 Violence and BoobsA “man-crush” is what an average straight cis guy gets when he sees another man who’s so beautiful that he can understand the attraction. Back in the 80’s, a young Skullard started going to the theater every week that his favorite movie Flash Gordon was playing. And as he watched the sexy-hot Princess Aura kissing Prince Barin, he found himself admitting that they were both getting a pretty good deal there.
Timothy Dalton
Not long after that, CBS came out with this great fantasy sit-com called Wizards and Warriors. So taken was our young Skullard with the show’s villain Dirk Blackpool (Duncan Regher) that he started walking around wearing his black ski jacket with the collar pulled way up like he was trying to receive satellite transmissions.
Of course, now-a-days our boy just watches Stephen Amell of Arrow doing that pull-up bar routine of his and rewinds it over and over.
Nothing wrong with any of that, right?

Speaking of man-crushes, Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) came back this week in Showtime’s new Victorian horror series Penny Dreadful. Can’t say much about it yet because there’s only been one episode, but it does have Victor Frankenstein, Dorian Grey and Timothy Dalton in it. Did we mention it features Timothy Dalton? Timothy Dalton.

This is the trailer for Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) that we deemed a little much for our Facebook page. To be honest, it’s a bit much for any page, but we trust you not to watch if you can’t handle it. Skullard couldn’t. He’s in the corner right now hugging his knees and asking Hello Kitty to tell him a pretty story please.

You may think this is a simple classroom discussion film about rumors and the dangers of jumping to conclusions, but it’s actually a complex allegory. Jean and Laura are best friends who call each other “best friends” several times a day to tamp down on the smoldering passion of a love that dare not speak its name. Frida is a foxy little slattern who dishes dirt all day, privy to all the ins and outs of high school intrigue. Laura (President Obama) is in a position to nominate Jean (Susan Rice) for the position of Pep Club President (Secretary of State), but Foxy News Frida tries to queer the deal with misinformation and “I’m just telling you what I saw” rumor-mongering. Will Obama stay the course and nominate his first pick for this vital cabinet position, or will he cave to pressure cooked up from right-wing pundits? Find out in The Gossip (1955).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Meet Mervin and Marva Mopes of Torkle, AK. No kidding. Their motto: “Good Behavior For Your Savior”. Still not kidding. Luka and I may not be going anywhere on this vacation, but thank Shaundakul we aren’t traveling anywhere with these people. Though to be fair, when these people pimp their ride, they don’t scrimp on the stereo equipment. Or does a roof-mounted bullhorn count more as mono than stereo? I tried asking but couldn’t hear the answer because my eardrums were bleeding.

120 Just Leave

120 Just LeaveHappy Easter. Jesus was married!?! According to recent archaeological findings, our Lord and Savior was some lady’s “Special Guy”. He was not only the Son of God, but the husband of Tracey. He had a mission to reconcile mankind to their Creator and a “Honey-Do” list. “How is it you work all week as a carpenter, but this table you promised to fix four months ago is still wobbly? And don’t think I’m going to be the one cleaning the wine stains out of the bathtub again. Just how does that happen anyway? I swear, your mother sure did a number on you. You walk around here like you’re Yaweh on earth, but you can barely keep your own feet washed. And speaking of that, who was that woman I saw you with? Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about that whore who was crying all over your feet and wiping them with her hair. What have you been up to!?! Sure, you say you’re just going out with all your loser fishing buddies, but people keep saying they see you with tax collectors and hookers. Are we in some kind of financial trouble? And what’s with all this ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ garbage? Just how many women have you been with? Christ! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mister!” And then, on the third day, the stone was rolled away from His tomb and Jesus rose from the dead. He appeared to his disciples who were in shock and disbelief, and to them He said, “All these things I have done so that man may know salvation. But don’t tell my wife, okay? Just give me a few days to enjoy this.”

Hello Kitty is oh so happy to show you our new What Could Go Wrong? business card. Coming soon to a restaurant fish bowl near you.

Take it from Mr. Murray, the debate coach who can’t speak a sentence and a half without looking down at his notes. Ray knew how to win speech tournaments and how to almost touch Marilyn’s boobs while standing too close. But when Marilyn wins the big contest, Ray’s compassionate dad makes him feel like some little girl’s bitch. Will sour-puss Ray learn the wisdom of the words, “You can win a lot of respect and inner strength by becoming a good loser”? Or will he figure out that’s bullshit. Find out in The Good Loser (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: When the Night of the Lepus comes, it’s time to fight fire with fire. Or fur with fur, as it were.


119 Triple Word Score

119 Triple Word ScoreThe Haiku is a Japanese form of poetry using a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and usually touching on traditional or classic Japanese themes. For example:

Cherry blossoms fall
Landing softly on her cheek
Don’t fuck your sister

Watching Strike Witches
The girls fly and shoot big guns
But where are their pants?

In the Maid Café
The girls bow and say “Master”
I need more money

I chose you on sight
Together we battle dweebs
You’re a Pokémon

With her cheeks blushing
The tentacles everywhere
That’s some fucked up porn

In 1986, poor Kristy Swanson got suckered into doing the robot by Wes Craven who was in turn suckered into making a half-assed horror film out of an ill conceived sci-fi/romance along the lines of Romeo and Julie-8. So many people couldn’t be blamed for this tragically bad movie, but Deadly Friend was crappy nonetheless, and not even murder by basketball could save it.

We keep talking about NBC’s Hannibal like it’s some exercise in horror/art. What could have ever given us that impression?

In last week’s educational short we learned about The Bully. This week, the bully is the narrator who badgers and berates a little wallflower for not conforming to the group. Remember, different it bad, individualism is worse, and if you can’t go along with the crowd than you’re wrong-wrong-WRONG! Now toe the line and watch The Outsider like you’re supposed to, you ostracized freak.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: understandable reactions to Skullard’s haikus.

117 A Drop Of Vengeance

117 A Drop Of Vengeance“You don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.” Damn, we thought we knew. Geez, we’ve been messing around with all this fake love all these years, thinking we were happy, just being loveless losers. We wish somebody would have told us. What other things are we completely ignorant about?

“You don’t know what happiness is until you know Jesus. You don’t know what pampering is until you’ve had a spa day. You don’t know what chocolate is until you’ve had a Godiva truffle. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You don’t know what’s gone until you’ve checked the inventory. You don’t know what drunk is until you’ve been plastered on Jaeger bombs. You don’t know Einstein’s theory of special relativity is true until you’ve observed the light rays of stars bend from the force of the sun’s gravity during a solar eclipse. You don’t know True Detective until you’ve worked out who the Yellow King is. You don’t know what porn is until you’ve watched All Natural Nurses 3. You don’t know how a book ends until you’ve read it. You don’t know what taking an interest in others is until you work for the NSA. You don’t know trivia games until you’ve played YOU DON’T KNOW JACK. You don’t know what other people think of you until you’re dead, and then you find out they never really thought about you much at all. You don’t know what to eat until you’ve seen the menu. You don’t know true pain until you let me show you. You don’t know what true poverty is until we swap your life with a rag-picker in Calcutta that we’ve had our eye on.”

We do know what true self-importance is because we’ve talked to parents of children.

Belial, the more charismatic of the two brothers from Basket Case, gets on his dancing shoes (after a fashion) and shows you his moves. He’s only seventeen!

Employers beware; your workers may be nursing a grudge against you. Why don’t you all sit down together and talk it out before somebody gets mad and complains to the union? Learn your lesson by watching The Hidden Grievance (1957)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Someday, Trudy, you’ll have a bun like this in your little oven, and then you’ll be a real woman.”

“Aw, but I wanted to be an Olympic shot-putter when I grew up.”

“Don’t be stupid. Now shut up and bake, wench.”

112 Best Of Luck

112 Best Of Luck It is Valentine’s Day. Expectations are very high. Whatever you attempt to do to appease your sweetheart will likely not be good enough. Fool! Why didn’t you give them something they would really enjoy, like a tube of Blowpaste, or a bacon-flavored soda? You don’t deserve love! You will die alone and afraid, just like Gumby did!!

Here it is! The great people at Blowpaste took Skullard’s jingle and made commercial magic. Share this video around to all of your fun-minded friends and visit cheekychacha.com to get some Blowpaste of your very own . . . to share, of course.

Skullard and Luka know that Valentine’s Day is not a time of romance, but a day of brutal horror! It is true. If you have any doubts, please enjoy a musical montage of gruesome cut scenes from this week’s bad movie; My Bloody Valentine (1981). Oh no! People are getting killed, eh?

It is best of avoid romance as much as you can. No good will come from it, especially if you decide to marry your high school sweetheart or that fat chick from church. Need more information? Why not watch a fantastically helpful educational short; How Do You Know It’s Love (1950)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a lovely photo of Harry Warden today. He’s quick to point out that all those stories of cannibalism and murder were hooie made up by the locals to jigger up some enthusiasm for that Valentine’s shin-dig. Everybody needs a villain, right? And besides, he only really killed about five or six people in total and they were all ninnys and fat-heads. And he only ate people the one time and didn’t much care for it, most likely because one of the guys was Tony Balducci and he never much cared for Italian.

107 Emotional And Bodily Harm

107 Emotional and Bodily Harm

Is Santa Claus dyslexic? The thought, I know, is shocking,
I asked him for a sock monkey; I got a monkey in my stocking,
I woke up and went downstairs to find him hanging from a drape,
It screeched at me and I just stood there shocked with mouth agAPE,
He jumped down on the nativity set scattering all the pieces,
And ran about the room like school kids let out for RHESUS,
Then in a flash he was up the tree and on the star was hammerin’,
I stood there doing nothing but stutterin’ and sTAMARIN,
But when it came to flinging poo, I admit this guy was great,
Out of ten, a superior seven, or even a PRIMATE,
That was when my little brother Derek stumbled in,
He caught the kid just under the mouth giving DeriCAPUCHIN,
A flying turd hit my momma just above the hip,
The monkey HOWLERed in victory like he’d won some championCHIMP,
My mother’s face turned burning red, to rage she had been driven,
No monkey soiling momma’s clothes would ever be forGIBBON,
She tore into the presents searching for items that could kill,
She came up with “Lady’s Knitting Set” and poppa’s new MANDRILL,
She SPIDER prey running away and not the least bit sorry,
MARMOSET off after it, chasing down her quarry,
The monkey was no match for momma’s murderous intent,
Once the bloody deed was done, in a garbage SAKI went,
I swore that day that never again would Santa I confuse,
Until the year I forgot and asked for alligator shoes.

This is a story about blasting caps, the most safe and innocent toys in your child’s bedroom. WAIT! No, that’s not right! Those things are deadly! Deadly, I tell you! Especially in the WRONG HANDS. Do you have the wrong hands? Will you have any hands left when this is all over? Find out the gory truth in Blasting Cap Danger (1957).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Jackson Pollock eat your heart out.

OVA Merry Clipmas


Hello, it’s Skullard here again. Yes, yes, it’s lovely to see you again too. Yes, I know, you thought I’d fallen off the face of the internet. I haven’t been making time for you and our relationship, I realize that. But as it turns out, you’re never too busy to make your wife put together a clip show. That’s right, the loveliest Luka has once again saved the hash of the universe by carefully crafting a show of such marvel and nuance that it’s too good for the likes of you. And yet, you get it. Merry Christmas! And if you’re one of those procrastinating souls that still has people on the gift list, why not give them the gift of this podcast episode? Y’know, other than the obvious reasons. Look, if you still haven’t bought them a present by this point, they obviously aren’t important enough for a real gift. So stuff some What Could Go Wrong? in their stockings if they’re MP3 compatible. It’s good enough for them if it’s too good for the likes of you, right?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection:


“And this, Junior, is a replica of the spacecraft your father abducted me in.”

“Do not speak of it, wife-unit. He is not yet cleared for that data.”

“Sorry dear. The fumes from the blood-soaked carpet is impairing my judgment.”

“I am made of plastic.”

“Yes dear.”


“Now Junior . . .”


And that’s how the carpet got that color.

106 Not The Bees

106 Not The BeesThanks for coming to our home and joining us for our traditional feast of pointlessness. Since we aren’t geographically close enough to visit either of our respective families, we spent Thanksgivukkah with you, our podcasting family. That’s right, you’re family now. So what did you bring? You’re not still seeing the boy, are you? When are you going to quit that job and go back to school? Y’know, it’s such a shame. You always had so much potential and look at you. By the way, when’s the last time you changed your oil? You have to take care of things if you want them to last. Say, did you hear about your cousin Janice? Well you know she was engaged to that Todd boy, right? The Dempsey boy? Well, it turns out that he’s been going on line at his job and . . . hey! Where ya goin’? Hey, don’t leave! There’s still pie!

Having a hard time keeping track of the tangled relationships in Once Upon A Time? Click on this simple, easy-to-follow chart and all will be clear. Sorta.
OUAT chart

Luka says that the best way to watch The Wicker Man (2006) is as a comedy. She’s not alone in that view. Here’s a great trailer to put you in a rom-com state of mind.

Ever wanted to explain Keynesian economics to a third grader? It can be done, and as it turns out, they did it simply and elegantly back in 1939 with a delightful educational short called Round and Round. (Be glad YOU don’t have to pay for your widgets with manhole covers.)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do we wave at people on boats? “Bon voyage, mother fuckers!” Why should we care? We’re not the ones going on a trip. And why would those bastards wave back? Don’t they have boaty things to do like shuffle board or stuffing their faces or something? How about we all go about our respective business and leave each other alone. It’s not like we wish those people well or anything. “Hope ya sink!”

“What did those peasants say, darling?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps it was, ‘The Pope has ink’?”

“How wonderful for him. Shall we retire to the Lido deck?”

“Retire? Silly Billy, we don’t work.”

“Ah-ha-ha, yes, quite right. Very good, darling.”

105 A Place Called Monkey Mountain

105 A Place Called Monkey Mountain High atop a mighty hill covered in ice, Luka and Skullard cower in their so-called recording studio to bring you another podcast episode. As the neighbor engages in a fight to the death with his garage door, Skullard thrashes on the guitar until his fingers bleed while Luka frets about who she might be offending. Wait… is that saying people might get offended offensive? Sorry.

Do you know what a Dodo is? It’s an extinct bird, and that’s what you’re gonna be if you don’t take my advice, kid. Don’t be a wiseguy and always carry a pad of paper to take down license plates because then you’ll get to see exciting car chases. Thrill to the 1950 of To Catch a Predator with the Sid Davis fear-fest The Dangerous Stranger.

Do you want to be as cool as Skullard? Of course you do. Skullard helps little old one-legged ladies mail letters before randomly being accused of being a shoplifter. But he also writes songs! Heart-wrenching, stomach-churning, foot-tapping, bone-chilling songs! Surely his talent fills you with rage and envy. Fear not! For the mere price of $3.95 you too can be a musical genius.