125 Solar Powered Pants

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Skullard

We don’t need your money. You notice there’s no PayPal button on this page. That’s mostly to avoid the crushing disappointment we’d feel every time we’d check our balance to learn yet again that we hadn’t made a red cent. Which we didn’t need anyway, you remember. But if we really did want to get some cash out of you, which we don’t, we’d post something like this on Facebook, because lawd knows this kind of thing rakes in the dough like gangbusters. In fact, we’ll post it, and even though it’s clearly a joke there will be some well-intentioned nitwit wondering where to donate. And then we can point and laugh at them, both because we still don’t need their money and a charitable heart needs to be crushed every now and then. You know, for it’s own good. In a world of liars and predators, everyone needs a shot to their skepticism once in a while. This is an important service we provide. Would you like to help us in our valuable work? Here’s one way: DON’T SEND US MONEY.

The Mothman has his secrets, some he’s keeping, some he shares
But the mystery for us is whether Mothman even cares
He gives you hints of horrid things about to come to pass
But not enough detail for you to really save your ass
Does Mothman want to help us or is this some kind of test
Those he warns end up often dead just like the rest
Before disaster strikes, Mothman seems to make things tougher
I think he’s just a bastard who likes to watch us suffer.

You know what you should be saving your money for? Making purchases at legitimate retail outlets. Your friends might tell you to save your money for future Facebook donations by shoplifting. Don’t do it. Now, you may be wondering if we mean “Don’t shoplift” or “Don’t donate to Facebook beggars.” Yes.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why beg on the internet for cash when you can sell Tupperware? Tupperware is the perfect product that sells itself. Everyone wants/needs/plays bongos on Tupperware. Need something to bring the soup kitchen leftovers home in? Tupperware! Collecting change on the street, but the “clank-clatter” of coins in that old tin can annoying potential donors? Tupperware! Ain’t gotta pot to piss in? Tupperware! Your cure for crushing poverty is getting yourself some goddamned TUPPERWARE!

114 Get In The Trunk

Posted on March 1, 2014 by Skullard

Where is the future we were promised? Sure, sure, it’s in the future, we get that, but what about that past future that supposed to be now but isn’t? Flying cars, unlimited life light bulbs and batteries, slammin’ one-piece outfits that glitter, all these things we were promised in movies to have by this time. Okay, movies also predicted several dozen world-ending disasters and societal collapses that we’ve managed to dodge, so maybe we shouldn’t use cinema to build our wish-list. But still, where’s our food replicators? Where’s the teleportation to Moonbase Beta and back? Where’s our universal health care? Regardless of whether they’re controlled by the laws of robotics or SkyNet, where’s our amblitory, humanoid robots and androids? It’s 2014, fer chrissakes, we should at least have holographic television and a chip in our head. What do we actually have, Google glasses? Well, we don’t. Only special people have those. Is that the way it’s going to work from here on? Only privileged people get to enjoy technological innovations while the rest of us sit and wait for next-gen hand-me-downs? That’s a future that sounds a lot like the past, actually. Revolution, we say! Let’s take back our future from those hoity-toity one-percenters. Give us our techno-toys and science wonders before we use some old school tech like bricks and sticks to take them from you. How much good is your Google glass going to do against an axe handle? The future is now . . . OR ELSE!

Inside No. 9 is our new fascination. Here’s the merest taste of what we’ve been gushing about.

Skullard mentioned that his favorite emotive guitarist was David Gilmore who has a birthday this week. What does he mean by emotive? Take a listen.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The High Tide Lounge – Where Friendly People Meet. And drown, apparently.

107 Emotional And Bodily Harm

Posted on December 28, 2013 by Skullard

Is Santa Claus dyslexic? The thought, I know, is shocking,
I asked him for a sock monkey; I got a monkey in my stocking,
I woke up and went downstairs to find him hanging from a drape,
It screeched at me and I just stood there shocked with mouth agAPE,
He jumped down on the nativity set scattering all the pieces,
And ran about the room like school kids let out for RHESUS,
Then in a flash he was up the tree and on the star was hammerin’,
I stood there doing nothing but stutterin’ and sTAMARIN,
But when it came to flinging poo, I admit this guy was great,
Out of ten, a superior seven, or even a PRIMATE,
That was when my little brother Derek stumbled in,
He caught the kid just under the mouth giving DeriCAPUCHIN,
A flying turd hit my momma just above the hip,
The monkey HOWLERed in victory like he’d won some championCHIMP,
My mother’s face turned burning red, to rage she had been driven,
No monkey soiling momma’s clothes would ever be forGIBBON,
She tore into the presents searching for items that could kill,
She came up with “Lady’s Knitting Set” and poppa’s new MANDRILL,
She SPIDER prey running away and not the least bit sorry,
MARMOSET off after it, chasing down her quarry,
The monkey was no match for momma’s murderous intent,
Once the bloody deed was done, in a garbage SAKI went,
I swore that day that never again would Santa I confuse,
Until the year I forgot and asked for alligator shoes.

This is a story about blasting caps, the most safe and innocent toys in your child’s bedroom. WAIT! No, that’s not right! Those things are deadly! Deadly, I tell you! Especially in the WRONG HANDS. Do you have the wrong hands? Will you have any hands left when this is all over? Find out the gory truth in Blasting Cap Danger (1957).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Jackson Pollock eat your heart out.

104 Bloody Mischief

Posted on November 16, 2013 by Skullard

Another week has passed. Skullard and Luka watch TV and complain. There’s a lot of funny stuff on TV starring super smart villains and sexually promiscuous super-heroes. Oh, Arrow! There’s also a really loud lady downstairs and vindictive shaves of paper trying to cut Luka to bits. Cheer up, Luka! Just put a little ketchup on it and head on down to the mall for a slumber party – with SANTA CLAUS!

Almost a hundred years ago, The Axeman began chopping heads in the city of New Orleans. It is true. To prove that he was a scary as everyone thought, The Axeman even wrote a letter to the police which was published in a newspaper. Shockingu!

Hell, March 13, 1919

Esteemed Mortal:

They have never caught me and they never will. They have never seen me, for I am invisible, even as the ether that surrounds your earth. I am not a human being, but a spirit and a demon from the hottest hell. I am what you Orleanians and your foolish police call the Axeman.

When I see fit, I shall come and claim other victims. I alone know whom they shall be. I shall leave no clue except my bloody axe, besmeared with blood and brains of he whom I have sent below to keep me company.

If you wish you may tell the police to be careful not to rile me. Of course, I am a reasonable spirit. I take no offense at the way they have conducted their investigations in the past. In fact, they have been so utterly stupid as to not only amuse me, but His Satanic Majesty, Francis Josef, etc. But tell them to beware. Let them not try to discover what I am, for it were better that they were never born than to incur the wrath of the Axeman. I don‘t think there is any need of such a warning, for I feel sure the police will always dodge me, as they have in the past. They are wise and know how to keep away from all harm.

Undoubtedly, you Orleanians think of me as a most horrible murderer, which I am, but I could be much worse if I wanted to. If I wished, I could pay a visit to your city every night. At will I could slay thousands of your best citizens, for I am in close relationship with the Angel of Death.

Now, to be exact, at 12:15 (earthly time) on next Tuesday night, I am going to pass over New Orleans. In my infinite mercy, I am going to make a little proposition to you people. Here it is:

I am very fond of jazz music, and I swear by all the devils in the nether regions that every person shall be spared in whose home a jazz band is in full swing at the time I have just mentioned. If everyone has a jazz band going, well, then, so much the better for you people. One thing is certain and that is that some of your people who do not jazz it on Tuesday night (if there be any) will get the axe.

Well, as I am cold and crave the warmth of my native Tartarus, and it is about time I leave your earthly home, I will cease my discourse. Hoping that thou wilt publish this, that it may go well with thee, I have been, am and will be the worst spirit that ever existed either in fact or realm of fancy.

The Axeman

Whee! What fun it is to play in the water with surfboards and dolphins and crap like that. Let’s all enjoy some Aqua Frolics (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A “bantam weight” portable (36 1/2lbs light) with all the picture punch of a console. Transformer powered 17 tube hand wired chassis delivers 25 tube performance. 17″ short neck 110″ picture tune for briefcase slim styling. White gloves not included.

095 Om Nom Nom

Posted on August 31, 2013 by Skullard

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! It’s time for another thrilling episode of What Could Go Wrong! Are you excited? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! We’re going to give you some of your favorites this week, like Time To Learn and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! um, and one of Luka’s Bad Movie Reviews! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! You’ll also hear Skullard sing KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I SAID, you’ll also hear Skullard sing about one of our newest favorite products and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! and then we’ll KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Oh, for fuck’s sake’s! How hard is it to remember your godamn keys?! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Luka’s Bad Movie Review returns this week with Sharknado, SyFy Channel’s desperate attempt to syphon off viewers from both the Weather and Discovery Channels without actually offering anything either audience would like. This movie isn’t going to teach you anything new about sharks except they can survive outside the water longer than you’d guess, can bite through anything but a rope they happen to be climbing and are surprisingly aerodynamic. It also won’t teach you anything new about tornados unless you consider dispersing them with homemade bombs new information. The CGI is relentless and hokey, continuity is like a tossed salad with peas and Altoids, and the acting suggests that the production budget included a postage meter for everyone who decided to mail it in. On the upside, who knew that retired surfers had such a strong sense of responsibility toward their fellow man? So grab your +2 Barstool of Bludgeoning and watch the trailer for Sharknado, and you’ll believe a shark can fly. Or be flung. Or plummet at the very least.

Did we go on enough about Steve’s Onion and Garlic Pepper Sauce? Not nearly enough? In that case, click on the banner to learn more about the “It’s made for the flavor” pepper sauce that “just tastes great”!

Since you haven’t had an educational short to educate the heck out of you in quite a while, Luka offers The Adventures of Junior Raindrop (1948)! Be amazed as an unwilling young raindrop takes his first trip to mother Earth, only to begin a horrible life of sadistic crime. Why did he change his alignment? I’ll give you a hint; it’s all YOUR fault.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hot enough for ya?

092 Ask About Our Dental Services

Posted on August 3, 2013 by Skullard

Grab your moth-eaten top hats and bindles and get ready to ride the rails! It’s National Hobo Week! It’s also Intimate Apparel Week. Should we put the hobos in lingerie? Hmmm. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then why not take your children to the Zoo to pet tigers? Are they too scared? Then how about giving them a shovel so they can dig up worms and firearms in your backyard? Oh, fine. Then go ahead and send your kids to summer camp where it’s nice and safe. Meanwhile, you can stop by the local car wash for your bi-yearly tooth cleaning. What could go wrong?

NBC’s newest horror-drama will be airing in October and starring a rather familiar character. What do you think, Skullard? Does it look good, or will it… suck?

Remember the Noid? Not only would this disgusting little goblin make your cheese sticky and your pizza cold, but he had toys and video games in his honor. The first one was for the Commodore 64, so you know it was super good.

Don’t worry, not all pizza delivery is scary news. Domino’s Pizza will go to great lengths to please you. Just look at this cute napkin love note they sent us with our free apology pizza and lava cakes! Thank you, Domino’s!

BEHOLD! The mighty ant! Ants are stronger, smarter, faster and better than any other living thing on earth. Especially YOU.

Impressed by how cool ants are? You should be. Now why not learn how to murder them? Please enjoy this week’s educational short, Goodbye Mrs. Ant (1959)!

Danganropa – The Animation is the anime Skullard keeps calling “Highschool of Dispair” but which highschool isn’t, really? Sure, the school you attended didn’t force you to murder your classmates and execute you horribly if you couldn’t get away with it . . . but you had gym, right? Pep rallies? What they called a salad bar? If our principal had been a sociopathic stuffed bear, we couldn’t have told the difference.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What are people saying behind your back? Are they whispering about you? Are they sneaking into your apartment at night and looking around? Are they insinuating that you will ruin their pizzas? ARE THEY?

064 Proof of My Evil

Posted on October 28, 2012 by Skullard

Who doesn’t love Halloween? Sure, Christmas gets a lot of attention because it takes the most planning, but unless you’re a mall Santa, there’s not a lot of chance to play dress-up. Halloween is a chance to act silly because you’re not really being yourself. You would never jump out from a bush and yell “BLAAARGH!” . . . but a goofy pirate might. You would never drink too much and go home with that guy, but Sexy Alice in Wonderland is in the mood for a tumble down the rabbit hole. Go ahead Sponge Bob, eat that huge bag of candy. You’ll still fit into those square pants tomorrow. It’s fun to pretend we’re someone else, especially someone who doesn’t exist, because it takes that whole burden of responsibility off for a while. Wear the mask, have some fun, then go back to boring old “real life” November 1st. And if your costume lends itself to making a specific lasting impression, by all means go for it. If you’re dressing up as John Dillinger, make sure to stop in at the bank. If you’re a mad bomber, see if you can make it through airport security. If you’re dressed as a pimp, slap a bitch. If you’re dressing up as a priest or scout leader . . . may we suggest a different costume. You can only take this “It wasn’t me, it was the outfit” garbage just so far, right?

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka goes back to 2003 and takes a Wrong Turn (see what we did there?). You may not have seen this movie, but you’ve definitly seen it before. A carload of attractive college students are on a Spring break road trip and decide to take a short cut, right? Sound familiar? And they stop at a gas station an get directions from a vaguely threatening backwoods hick? Of course they do. Then they run over a spiked chain that blows out their tires and they end up being picked off, one by one, by a family of inbred cannibals. Yadda-yadda, la-dee-da, pass the popcorn, we’ve been down this old dirt road before. This time our usual vile villains are a trio of deformed brothers by the names of One-Eye, Three-Fingers and Sawtooth (or the Artist Formerly Known As Fuckface). Like any teen-screamer, Wrong Turn has had more the necessary amount of sequels and prequels, usually released directly to video. All of these are your standard, run-of-the-mill, snark worthy fare. In other words, get your snacks, get comfy, and get ready to point and laugh.

We took a short detour down Halloween Movie Memory Lane. Here are some sentimental favorites from years gone by:

Mockingbird Lane: Well, it was going to be a pilot for a new series, but now they’re calling it a “Halloween Special”. Take our word for it, this is no Great Pumpkin. Oh Eddie . . .

If you aren’t doing anything fun for Halloween this year, why not make yourself feel better by laughing at this stupid family and their potentially rabid dog? Please enjoy the low-income thrills of Halloween Party (1953)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This one’s a classic. Mine’s only a copy and I wish I had an original, but I adore the silliness of it. That witch must be driving like a maniac, because all the veggies look scared shitless. Hell, the pickle fell out! That’s what you get for not buckling up, ya briney bastard! And is it just me, or does that car’s smile remind anyone else of Speed-Buggy? “A-ROOMA-ZOOM-ZOOM!”

048 Bake Sale

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Skullard

What the hell’s with all the bears? There’s Smokey and Teddy, Fozzie and Yogi. There’s the Three Bears, the Berenstain Bears, the Care Bears, Gummi Bears and the Hair Bear Bunch. There’s a Sugar Bear, a Pooh Bear, a Briar Bear, Little Bear and the Bear Country Jamboree. Everyone has their favorite, but probably not Teddy Ruxpin. Skullard’s favorite is the one from The 13 and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear. That bear is a pirate bear, which means there’s probably a ninja bear out there somewhere, but we’re too lazy to Google for it. What’s with all this bear-love? (A term we advise you NOT to Google, by the way.) What’s this human fascination with huge-ass creatures that can rip us in half? Why do we want to turn them into cute little sweeties that want to sell us dryer sheets, root beer, Coca Cola and butt wipes? Those hairy fuckers are lethal; they’re not all Gentle Ben. Stop cozying up to these bears, and if you’re Russian, stop keeping them in your bars and serving them drinks. Sure, it’s SO hilarious to watch a massive ursine brute get slowly bent on vodka, but then what? Then you’ve got a drunk, pissed and probably hungry bear on your hands. Holy shit-in-the-woods, What Could Go Wrong!?!

1988’s Ghost House is a piece of shit. Sorry, there just isn’t any way to sugar coat this turd. An amature radio nerd gets a cry for help from the future, goes to where the signal originated and finds even more shiftless twenty-somethings hanging out in ambiguous relationships. Oh, and there’s a ghost in a house. Specifically, there’s the spirit of a dead girl who killed her parents with the assistance of a clown doll from Hell. How this clown never got mass marketed from the strength of this film, we’ll never know. Luka rates this time-suck as a Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie, and this film caught her on a decidedly good day.

In this week’s appropriate but pointless educational short, Goldilocks and the Three Bears (1958), the classic fairy tale is acted out with a cast of live bears. Don’t worry. The bears are all on fishing lines, so everything’s perfectly safe. What could go wrong?

Once again, here’s a shout-out to the talented Kevin MacLeod over at Incompetec.com. Is it the end of your movie, and your two protagonist who had been separated during the alien battle finally finding each other, locking eyes across the desolated street carnage? As they stumble towards each other, daring to smile, scraping alien muck off their shoulders and forearms, this should be playing as they come face to face, trade a couple of quips, and fall into each other’s arms.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The caption on the back of this one says, “Now who’s after whose porrige?” Gramatically correct, but stupid. There’s only two bears, not three. And the spazz-mo with the fishing rod sure as hell ain’t no Goldilocks. Personally, I hope the bears take a pass on the potato chips and rip into a fresh pack of innards. It would ruin a clean, white t-shirt, but since I don’t know the guy, it would be kinda funny.

045 Double Punch Wednesday

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Skullard

“So, what did you do on your vacation?” Every time you drag your ass back to work after a week off, that’s the question you get. It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone didn’t feel free to judge you by your answer. If you tell them you just stayed home all week and sorted lint, they look at you with pity for a moment, say “Oh, that’s too bad,” and walk away with a look that confirms your position of Loser in their mind. If you say instead that you’ve been on a great adventure involving distant lands, high priced assassins and mind-blowing sex, they say “Sounds fun. I took my kids to Six Flags last year and it was great! We had corndogs.” You’re almost better off being branded a loser. No matter what, nobody really wants to hear what you did while you weren’t working. The only reason they ask is because they want you to know that they’d noticed you were gone during a time when they still had to work. They want you to feel bad that you had a break from the work-a-day tedium while they continued to play the drone. If they had the chance, they wouldn’t rain on your parade, they’d shit on it. But don’t pay any attention to those killjoy trolls. When you get a vacation, savor the time. When it’s over, savor the memories. And if you happen to have a podcast, gloat like hell.

Speaking of torment in the workplace, this week’s Bad Movie Review is The Mangler (1995). Ostensibly, this is a horror movie, but it may well end up making you thankful you don’t live out your days in a grimy sweat shop. Ted Lavine mumbles and lurches through this movie as our cranky hero, often followed by his hippie brother-in-law that looks like Doug Henning after some dental work. They have to fight against a demon possessed laundry press and it’s evil master played by Robert Englund, who does a damn fine Penguin impersonation throughout the film. It seems that in order to get anywhere in life, you have to sacrifice virgins to Satanic powers. No one said a damn thing about that in my MBA program. But you can see how the blood of the unfucked can get you ahead by watching this Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Or you can just laugh at a guy beating the shit out of an icebox.

Housewives, beware! Countless women are blown up every years by washing their clothes in pans of gasoline. No, seriously. This was a real thing. Please become baffled by this week’s educational short: More Dangerous Than Dynamite (1941).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s the postcard I’d have sent to my mother if I’d had a stamp. Seriously. I didn’t have one. Shucks.

Bonus postcard! One of the many beauties I picked up when Luka and I raided the antique stores. Complete with 1907 postmark and inane good wishes. Classic shit like this beats texting any day.

043 Dull And Boring

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Skullard

Ah, the romance of riding the rails! Whether it’s losing a foot while attempting to hop a flatcar or taking a friendly truncheon from a bull, nothing beats the freedom of America’s rail system. High-speed rail? Who’s in that kind of hurry? Ho-Bo, Ho-Bo, a transient’s life for me! And what better time is there to listen to a podcast on the mp3 player that little girl dropped while running in fear than when you’re watching the country side roll by from an open boxcar door. So steal that sleeping guy’s coat, roll him off into the ravine, open up that cold can of chili you nicked from the convenience store, and settle in for a life-affirming hour of What Could Go Wrong? It’s what freedom-loving Americans do!

Choo-choo!

Last week we had a bad movie from L.A. Law alum Corbin Bernsen, so this week Luka follows that with another member of that previously distinguished cast playing a nutter health professional. Larry Drake is Dr. Giggles (1992), who’s not a real doctor, but he plays one in your house. There’s nothing like a homicidal freak escaping from the loony bin with a doctor’s bag and a white coat to spice up an otherwise drab weekend. The maniacal faux-doc slashes his way through a small town’s inventory of loose-moral teens with Freddy-esque wise cracks and various medical implements. But as charming as that all sounds, it only rates a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie rating from our Luka, who’s Canadian and has higher expectations for health care professionals.

In 1895, a somewhat terrible train crash took place at Gare Montparnasse in Paris, France. Of the 131 passengers, only two were injured. A woman in the street below was struck dead by falling wreckage! The accident took place due to a faulty break and human incompetence. On the plus side, it makes for a rather impressive photo!

Do you enjoy staring at an easily amused child, an array of toy trains, and a cast of hideous marionettes? Most certainly you do! You shall have a wonderful time with this week’s short; The Wonderful World Of Trains (1960)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are trains useful and fascinating, but they can offer you important life advice. FRIEND! Please read this postcard and spiritually profit from its wisdom!
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What Could Go Wrong?

Spitting in the eye of a spiteful universe!

Tag Archives: time to learn