Growing up, you may have heard a parent exclaim, “Stop that! That’s disgusting! What if the Queen showed up and saw you doing that?” That was the secular version of, “What if Christ returned and you were doing that?” Such hypotheticals were meant to instill shame into awkward, misbehaving children. More often than not, though, what got instilled was a paranoia towards the sudden injection of royalty or deity into our daily lives. How’s a kid supposed to relax when at any moment a British monarch could pull the coach up out front, walk in the front door and start judging the children? How does a child deal with the anxiety over the very real chance that Jesus will descend through the clouds, gather His faithful and take them with Him to paradise while that child is busy on the toilet? Jesus isn’t going to interrupt; He isn’t rude, but that means the kid misses the Rapture! What would happen if Christ returned AND the Queen showed up? What’s the protocol? “I’m sorry, Your Majesty, I’d love to give you tea, but I didn’t know you were coming, am all out of tea, don’t even own a teapot, and as it turns out I have to rush to claim my eternal reward. So very sorry, Mum, but perhaps we can continue this up in heaven? What’s that Jesus? She’s not . . . oh, now, this IS awkward.”
This week’s Bad Movie Review is about May (2002), a lonely young girl whose mother instilled no small amount of shame and awkwardness of her own. May is a girl with a lazy eye which makes her feel shy and isolated growing up. Her mother uses that isolation to abuse and control the little girl so that by the time May is a young woman, she’s one messed up bowl of rigatoni. She’s really no good at making friends, but she decides if she could make just one friend, one perfect friend, that would be enough. Sadly for her eventual victims, May subscribes to the ala carte school of “making a friend”: take a little from column A, a little from column B, do some creative stitching and viola, a new friend, custom to order. Luka gives this psycho/horror a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie rating, due to the fact once the killing starts things get a bit silly. Really, a girl Luka’s size is going to slice and dice grown adults with scalpels and scissors? Luka can’t even open a jar of pasta sauce let alone sever Skullard’s spinal column. Not for lack of trying. To open the jar, of course.
Is that a monkey in your pants? This Slender Loris is the same primate that some sub-primates were caught trying to smuggle in this week’s news segment. No, wait, they weren’t trying to smuggle it in the segment, but in a guy’s underwear. The jerk was caught, but hopefully not before some Slender Loris teethmarks were applied liberally.
Kevin MacLeod provides our music over at incompetec.com. Please check out his amazing output. More than likely, this is a jam that Fat-Nyan will use to lay down his rhymes. Groove on it.
Steve has really been misbehaving. Is he a bad kid, or does he just need stricter parents? Are you thrilled to find out the reason? Are you bored enough to sit through a sixteen minute video from fifty years ago? If you answered yes to either of those questions, please tune in to this week’s redundant educational short: Discipline During Adolescence (1958)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do I have a postcard of the Queen? So I can send it to her, jackass, why do you think? I’m a collector, goddamnit, I don’t ask “why”. Why do I have a postcard of the world’s largest block of cheese? Why do I have a post card of a guy lying dead in the desert? Why do I have a postcard of Dan Quayle? Because I need help, damn you! I need to be stopped! I have no control anymore! I’ve got boxes and boxes . . . where’s it going to end!?! Am I going to end up on Hoarders? Am I going to be found beneath a pile of cardstock or locked away, unshaven, compulsively sorting and resorting pictures of things I never saw myself? And what if the Queen showed up!?!
For the record: Luka never said Skullard was purple.