Make no mistake, we podcast from the Greatest County In The World. Or do we? As it turns out, the U.S. has fallen behind China in per capita beer consumption (GASP!). Sure, we’re still #1 when it comes to incarceration rates, but we’re only fifth in executions. No wonder we’re going broke! China, Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are all probably laughing at us that we bother feeding so many prisoners. “Less feedin’ and more bleedin’,” they say. We’re in the top tier of countries when it comes to human trafficking, but you’d never know that because we rank 24th in freedom of the press. AND 59th in percentage of men circumcised, so take that, you putzes! Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world and our health system is ranked 37th, but somehow we’re still number one in gun deaths, so at least we have our priorities straight. In fact, we have the highest death rate for young people in the civilized world, so suck on that Finland! We’re 33rd in educational performance, but how were you supposed to know that? It’s a miracle you can even read! I guess we’re not doing too bad since on the Index of Global Wellbeing we reached #14. Denmark was #1. So the answer is simple: look at what they’re doing right and see what we can incorporate into our . . . aw, fuck it. Let’s just march in there and force them to give us the good life. That’s how we do things around here. U-S-A! U-S-A!
In 1992, before rings and hobbits and giant apes, Peter Jackson gave us the Sumatran Rat Monkey (TM). This adorable critter put the bite on an over-baring mother and, next thing you know, we get Dead Alive! This is one of the few truly Great Intentionally Bad Movies, and it is an over-the-top slop-o-rama. The S.R.M. (as he’s known to his friends) carries one of the nastiest zombie viruses you’ve ever seen, and Mommy Dearest gets a full dose and begins the plague to end all plagues. Pretty soon “Home Sweet Home” becomes zombie central, and it falls to Mommy’s obedient son and his button-cute girlfriend to destroy all dead that walk. Problem is, it takes more than a shot to the head to put these things down . . . you have to liquify them. And you thought a lawn-mower was just for mowing lawns, didn’t you? Don’t miss this one, if you can stomach all the blood, puss, bile, mucous and generalized glop in bucketfuls.
Wanna see the zombie baby fist fight? Myk Lewis dug us up this clip. Dig it!
CLICK HERE to learn about the strange death of Alfalfa! (Big thanks to neatorama.com!)
The Walking Dead – Season 3: A hack-and-slash opener with shocks and surprises. Sadly, still no showers.
American Horror Story Asylum: An amazing cast with almost too much to do . . . plus a unexpected flash of nun-butt.
Beauty and the Beast: A creature this hideous stretches the limits of credulity, and we’re not talking about the “Beast”. How does this shit get on the air!?!
Do you ever wish your family would fuck off? Well, little do you realize that if they ever did, you would immediately become lonely and starving, waiting at the door for them to return like some wretched dog. Please become enlightened by this week’s incipid educational short; Friendship Begins at Home (1949)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Bil Mathiason, Double-A Breeder of Chatwich Basset Hounds, here seen in full uniform along with 3-time state champion winner ‘GOOGS’ – the real force behind the enterprise.” If you ever wondered why I didn’t follow my dream of being a Double-A Breeder, now you know . . . I couldn’t afford the uniform. Sadly, I wasted all my funds on dental work.
