Tag Archives: batman

076 Hot Dog Water

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Are you ready for some ROLE-PLAYING!?! Yeah, today is Super Bowl Sunday and we kinda went off about how we didn’t give a shit and were going to have our own Super ROLL Sunday. And maybe, just perhaps, all our talk about nymph queens and the Fey Realm, armor class and vorpal swords, elves and spells sounded like a bunch of nonsense and nerdery. If our inside chatter about fantasy role-playing sounded like rubbish to you, than you now have about 0.02% of the frustration that we non-football people have been putting up with for the last several weeks. The only reason there isn’t a Super Bowl for people who like to roll dice and pretend to be Barbarian/Rogues is because you can’t place bets on a D&D game. If you could call a bookie and wager your week’s wages on a dungeon crawl, all of a sudden there would be corporate sponsorships and network contracts. Kids who carry dice bags around in high school would get scouted for university scholarships and professors would let them breeze through class because of their high “Detect Traps” scores. Cheerleaders would dress as dryads and succubi, which wouldn’t be a terrible thing. And ESPN would run coverage like, “I don’t know, Jim, he’ll have to roll a 17 or higher if he wants to get a critical hit on that Mind Flayer. If he can’t do double damage on this round, it’s looking like the ol’ brain suck for one of this season’s most promising paladins.” Sure, football is a celebration savage brutality and tribalism, but take away the point spread and it all goes away. If people can’t drop money on games, all you’re left with are mobs of well-drilled fighters wearing matching tunics over their padded armor. And any decent 8th level wizard with an Overland Flight spell and a wand of Fireball could cook those losers in four rounds. TWO, if he’s Hasted.

Hey look, our Mailman’s been here!

Steve Lowe, part time Batman and all-around great guy, ousted some trouble-makers from a chip shop with the help of Buzz Lightyear a.k.a Shane Lee. When duty calls, these fancy dress heroes are ready for action!

A grateful Aria Nouri poses here with the guys who came to his rescue. “The youngsters had been drinking, but nobody thought about throwing a punch at Batman.”

“C” is for Cookie. “R” is for Ransom Note. And if you want to see your precious golden cookie emblem again, Balsen Biscuit Company, you’ll pay up . . . in COOKIES!

Behold, the weapon in question! A six-year-old girl offered to shoot bubbles at a friend at school with her Hello Kitty Bubble Gun. She got suspended for being a violent threat. It’s like the Prophet Carlin said: “They want to ban toy guns . . . AND THEY’RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKING REAL ONES!“

C’mon, Hello Kitty’s not a threat! Sure, she packs a wallop with that ICHIGO PUNCH!, but as long as you’re not a bad guy or school administrator, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

“Oh Golly Mom, why doesn’t Jeff ever call me? He knows I’m just waiting by the phone!”

“It’s because he knows you’re on the hook, Marie. He can skank around all he wants because he knows you’re in his back pocket.”

“Aw gee. But how would he feel if I did that to him, Mother?”

“That would make you a whore, dear. I much prefer you as a sweet little doormat, Marie. Now when Jeff does call, don’t forget to put out like we discussed.”

“Yes, Mother.”

Watch Marie and Jeff struggle with the rampant evil that is parental support in Going Steady? (1951)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, no cheap jokes about some guy offering his weiner to a woman who looks for all the world like his mother. No comment on how the woman opens her mouth wide at the approach of the meat or how her bun is so wontonly open and receptive. How about some more serious questions like, for example, isn’t that a LOT of apples for that size table? Are they really going to eat all those? Why’s the guy grilling some buns, but her buns are raw? (Luka sez, “YOU’RE buns are raw!”) Shoud he really have his iced tea so close to the heat? And where’s she supposed to set her glass, huh? Like I said before, that’s a small table. Are those chips Sour Cream and Onion, or just regular? Where the fuck’s the mustard? And when did Steve Cox pose for postcards?

063 Fifty Dollar Dog

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Make no mistake, we podcast from the Greatest County In The World. Or do we? As it turns out, the U.S. has fallen behind China in per capita beer consumption (GASP!). Sure, we’re still #1 when it comes to incarceration rates, but we’re only fifth in executions. No wonder we’re going broke! China, Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are all probably laughing at us that we bother feeding so many prisoners. “Less feedin’ and more bleedin’,” they say. We’re in the top tier of countries when it comes to human trafficking, but you’d never know that because we rank 24th in freedom of the press. AND 59th in percentage of men circumcised, so take that, you putzes! Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world and our health system is ranked 37th, but somehow we’re still number one in gun deaths, so at least we have our priorities straight. In fact, we have the highest death rate for young people in the civilized world, so suck on that Finland! We’re 33rd in educational performance, but how were you supposed to know that? It’s a miracle you can even read! I guess we’re not doing too bad since on the Index of Global Wellbeing we reached #14. Denmark was #1. So the answer is simple: look at what they’re doing right and see what we can incorporate into our . . . aw, fuck it. Let’s just march in there and force them to give us the good life. That’s how we do things around here. U-S-A! U-S-A!

In 1992, before rings and hobbits and giant apes, Peter Jackson gave us the Sumatran Rat Monkey (TM). This adorable critter put the bite on an over-baring mother and, next thing you know, we get Dead Alive! This is one of the few truly Great Intentionally Bad Movies, and it is an over-the-top slop-o-rama. The S.R.M. (as he’s known to his friends) carries one of the nastiest zombie viruses you’ve ever seen, and Mommy Dearest gets a full dose and begins the plague to end all plagues. Pretty soon “Home Sweet Home” becomes zombie central, and it falls to Mommy’s obedient son and his button-cute girlfriend to destroy all dead that walk. Problem is, it takes more than a shot to the head to put these things down . . . you have to liquify them. And you thought a lawn-mower was just for mowing lawns, didn’t you? Don’t miss this one, if you can stomach all the blood, puss, bile, mucous and generalized glop in bucketfuls.

Wanna see the zombie baby fist fight? Myk Lewis dug us up this clip. Dig it!

CLICK HERE to learn about the strange death of Alfalfa! (Big thanks to neatorama.com!)

The Walking Dead – Season 3: A hack-and-slash opener with shocks and surprises. Sadly, still no showers.

American Horror Story Asylum: An amazing cast with almost too much to do . . . plus a unexpected flash of nun-butt.

Beauty and the Beast: A creature this hideous stretches the limits of credulity, and we’re not talking about the “Beast”. How does this shit get on the air!?!

Do you ever wish your family would fuck off? Well, little do you realize that if they ever did, you would immediately become lonely and starving, waiting at the door for them to return like some wretched dog. Please become enlightened by this week’s incipid educational short; Friendship Begins at Home (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Bil Mathiason, Double-A Breeder of Chatwich Basset Hounds, here seen in full uniform along with 3-time state champion winner ‘GOOGS’ – the real force behind the enterprise.” If you ever wondered why I didn’t follow my dream of being a Double-A Breeder, now you know . . . I couldn’t afford the uniform. Sadly, I wasted all my funds on dental work.

061 Plucky

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If there’s one word that describes us, it’s plucky. We’ve got spunk, we do! No matter what the difficulties or dangers, we sally forth and soldier on. Our gritty determination has seen us through countless trials and travails, emerging through the mists of woe with spirited grins on our feisty faces. No challenge can match our bold ganbatte attitude. “We are never give up!” as the song says. There is nothing . . . NOTHING that can hold us down!

Except maybe a cold. That’s a bit much. Geez, cut us a little slack, would ya?

2003’s Love Object is not a bad little creep-out if you enjoy a bit of depraved nebbish in your psycho-killer. Poor Kenneth is such a dweeb. How’s a dweeb-cicle like him ever going to get a date? Here’s an idea: save all the money that isn’t spent on romantic dinners, weekend getaways, flowers, candy and all that other stuff and spend it all at once to buy an anatomically accurate silicone sex doll. Now we’re talkin’! Nikki the Doll doesn’t care if Kenneth is a dweeb, just so long as he dresses her nice and uses a good antiseptic to wipe her down afterwards. But wait, what if spending time with Nikki improves Kenneth’s confidence and he isn’t such a dweeb anymore? What if Kenneth was only practicing on Nikki so that he could get together with Lisa? Nikki doesn’t like that. No, Nikki doesn’t like that at all. Maybe Nikki wants her dweeb back and will do anything to keep him all to her ball-jointed self. Luka, quite the doll herself, gives this dating sim a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie rating. Here’s a quick look:

What makes Love Object such a creepy flick is that RealDolls actually exist! Google it if you want, but don’t do it at work. Rip Torn might kick your ass.

Mark Wayne Williams, the Batman of Petoskey, in all his costumed glory. There are plenty of pictures available of the man behind the cowl, but let’s just remember him this way, shall we?

Yes, by gawd, there IS a Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve being heavily guarded somewhere in Quebec. Rest assured.

Red Dwarf X: The Boys from the Dwarf are back, baby!

Elementary: “Ooo, my dear Watson!”

Brickleberry: It lost us right after the Parkinsons/handjob joke. No, we didn’t make that up.

Last Resort: this show should only be watched as one.

Revolution: A thinly veiled NRA wet dream without a single character to cheer for. So, what, we cheer for the guns?

The Mob Doctor: “Feeling plucky, punk?”

How should one behave on a date? Where should you go? What kind of fun should you have? At the end of the evening, should you shake a girl’s hand, ignore her completely, or lunge at her lustfully? Please find the answers by viewing this week’s educational short: Dating Dos and Don’ts (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember back in the old days before Match.com and RealDolls? How did anyone find that perfect person before the internet connected far-flung souls? There were plenty of matchmakers and dating services, not to mention well-intentioned friends that could arrange blind dates. Did any of these things work? Well, let’s see: take a look at your parents. They happy? Y’know what, I’ll stick with the internet, thank you.

And, for no reason at all, plucky duckies!