137 Pancakes

137 Pancakes
Welcome to the return of What Could Go Wrong?, the podcast that needed nearly a month to recover from an invasion of old people. It was said on the podcast and we’ll say it again here: Skullard’s parents are good, lovely people. They’re just not a heaping bucket of fun. They’re old. You can’t expect a couple of aged ancestors to march at the front of the parade, leading the band. If it sounds like we’re badmouthing these people, we’re not. We’re just reporting the facts. And besides, if you can’t complain about your parents, why did you bother having them?

During the podcast, we mentioned that the IKEA breakfast was $2.99. We have wronged that fine establishment. The pre-fab furniture store cafeteria only charges 99 cents for its morning meal. How’s that for value? Now keep in mind that the chocolate cake is $3.29, so don’t take your selfish, spoiled children there if you’re trying to have a reasonably priced meal. Where do they think they’re eating at anyway, Taco Bell?
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This is what any Swede should rightly expect from their 99 cent breakfast. This is a proper Swedish pancake. Anything less and your precious little furniture store will burn, assholes.
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“You think you got me!?! Just wait until I wrap my musky thighs around YOU, ya scaley bitch!”

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This is Fafnir, the crown jewel of the Science Museum of Minnesota. She’s more than a hundred and fifty million years old and glorious, or in the words of Skullard’s Mom, “Meh.”

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Can you believe it? Overworked housewives are thrilled over a fine selection of new ironing boards in Making A New Day Out Of Tuesday (1946).



From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: It could be worse, buddy. You could be mashed up into Jon Voight’s crotch right now.

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136 Tweets And Gentle Words

136
What we have here is a Halloween episode that may well sound like most of our other episodes but that’s just because we tend to live in a perpetual state of Halloween. We’re constantly dressing up in costumes (or at least one of us is), we give each other candy year round, and we watch spooky movies every chance we get. If you factor in our fantasy role-playing, we’re dealing with more monsters on a consistent basis than you’ll find at your local mall’s costume contest. When we’re driving stakes through vampires, it’s just as likely to be April as it is October. You might think that with this ongoing Halloweenie state of mind we have, we wouldn’t get so excited about the holiday itself when it eventually rolls around, but we do. It’s like the world has finally caught up with us again. So happy Halloween everybody – we’ve been keeping it warm for you.

If you can’t make friends, keep prisoners. That seems to be the motto of the psycho doll maker with abandonment issues who shrinks his victims and forces them to have dance parties with cake. And he can do it too, because everyone knows that doll makers and master marionette puppeteers also possess expert degrees in particle physics that equip them to make shrinking rays. Skullard got a bible degree which allows him to do psychological counseling with farm animals, so why not? But what do you do when you’re shrunk? Stand in a can, mostly. Though sometimes you’re let out to climb string, run from rats and hide in UPS packages. This film has all of that plus a musical number and a really scary girl scout. Get ready for zero attacks from non-puppet people in Attack of the Puppet People (1958).

Yup, we’re taking Skullard’s mother who’s terrified of snakes to go see a movie chock full CGI snakiness. Fortunately it’s Rifftrax, so we’re going for the funny, not the story.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Halloween blessings from a lucky witch – you can’t ask for better than that.
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135 Hat Rack Act

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We could have put this episode together sooner, but it was a beautiful fall day. How many more of these are we going to get? So we went to the zoo, went for ice cream, then picked up a pizza to take home. And later Luka can pick out a movie and we’ll watch it on the couch in our footie pajamas. It’s another “Divorced Dad’s Weekend” with the Skullards. We strongly recommend that every so often you take someone you love out on the town and treat them like you only have limited custody. You may not be able to buy love, but they’ll always love that you try.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to cross-breed a venus flytrap with animal life, but since we have one handy anyway we’ll let him do it. The Revenge of Dr. X (1970) recounts the worst vacation in NASA’s personnel files. This rage-oholic makes Dr. No, Dr. Phibes and Dr. Moreau seem like easy going stoners. And really, would YOU murder an old woman to feed her heart’s blood to something this goofy looking? We thought not.
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Back in the 40’s, if you could afford a chimp as a pet, you could probably afford some kind of camera to film its excesses and abuses. This harrowing documentary of an animal with no discipline rampaging according to its own primal will is given a silly soundtrack and goofy first-person (?) voice-over to make it seem funny instead of deeply troubling. Warning: severe turtle abuse is not only allowed but encouraged. Not fit for children, you should prepare yourself suitably for the horror that awaits you in Chimp’s Vacation (1944).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Don’t look at the wrong porn site and don’t fuck with the mail. We’re warning you, asshole.
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134 Hey Gang

134 Hey Gang

Terry Tacheny is like every other therapeutic harpist you know except that she also plays for primates. How cool is this lady? Click the pic to watch the video and see for yourself.
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Oo, here come the genius misfits who can save the world with nerdiness. Scorpion is based on a true story in the same way Rocky III is based on math. The people who brought you The Fast and the Furious want you to know they can make any story about autism better by adding a sports cars and low-flying jets. Isn’t it great when you can watch super smart people do amazing things and still feel superior to them because they’re dorks?

Congo (1995) is shit. Real apes throw handfuls of this movie when they get upset.

If you take West Side Story, move it to California and cut out all the music, you might get Gang Boy (1960), a Shark-centric look at what drives young men into gang life. Although the focus is on how one kid gets turned into the leader of a bunch of toughs, what’s even more fascinating is how these guys turn so many common items into street weapons. Grab some masking tape and a bike chain and you’re armed and set to go to the dance. Are you ready to rumble?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: They were such a sweet couple. They hung out together almost every night, went everywhere holding hands and things were starting to get serious. She’d met his parents and hers were driving down for a dinner in a couple of weeks. And then Rhonda said, “Hey, let’s go see that new Michael Crighton movie.” Walking out of the theater afterwards, the two barely spoke. Later, in bed, Kevin called her “Amy” at the worst possible moment. That was the end. Now, years later, Kevin takes out this picture and looks at it, contemplating irrevocable loss. He’s seen on Facebook that Rhonda’s daughter is starting college this year. She looks happy. “Damn you, Crighton,” he thinks. “And damn you, Amy . . . you impossible diamond temptress. Why did I ever have to succumb to your spell?” And then he slips in the DVD one last time. Every time is the last time.
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133 No More Mr Nice Guy

133 No More Mr Nice Guy

Exactly three years ago on this day, we posted a podcast in our Winter gear because it was damn cold in our apartment. The reason it was so cold was because the heat was off in the building. Again, this was three years ago. Again, the heat isn’t working. Again, why the fuck do we live here? Oh yeah, because life sucks huge diseased donkey dongs sometimes.

Someone liked our post so much they added a comment. Then a picture. Our front hallway has turned into Facebook.
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Skullard’s favorite show at the moment is the Rifftrax versions of the 1940’s Batman serials Batman vs. the Wizard. Here’s a peek.

With the world being such a horrific downer these days, we thought we’d show you a short that would lift your spirits and bring a smile to your lips. But then we said “fuck it” and picked this one. A Day In The Death of Donny B. will press any antidepressants you’re taking to their very limits of effectiveness, and the soundtrack alone is enough to make you turn to drugs for solace. Watch a junkie in his natural habitat with voice over commentary from a wide range of people who couldn’t give a shit. Good times!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Maybe Mr. Landlord should move here. He’d never have to provide heat for anyone again.
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132 Deeply Ashamed

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Okay, for the record, THIS is a cat:
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THIS is a catgirl:
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And THIS is just fine with Skullard:
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Lawyer: “Your Honor, I’m afraid my client’s appearance might unduly influence the jury’s opinion of his guilt or innocence.”
Judge: “I’ve got no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

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Industrial safety is no laughing matter, but putting a Honkey-Tonk guitar soundtrack to crippling injuries is another matter entirely. Watch sweaty men with varying degrees of facial hair nearly maim themselves in order to make a living in Shake Hands With Danger.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Hello Kitty is a girl just like you!” Okay, then what the hell is this?
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131 Last Call

131 Last Call

The Second Coming was never meant to be an excuse to do nothing. It was something to be kept in the back of the head along with proverbial sayings and residual guilt to help guide our actions as we move through our Christian life, such as it is. But some people will use any excuse to give up and quit, even a vague prophetic one. “Sorry, but I’m not taking down the garbage because Christ will return before the trash guy will.” “Take this job and shove it, or give it to some ambitious heathen who doesn’t mind working through the Tribulation.” “Why bother showering? When I’m raptured, Jesus will take me up into the sky and all my filth will be left behind . . . with the rest of you filth.”

Goddamnit! If you’re not running the jewelry shop anymore, how can I buy that pendant!?!
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Hello Kitty in SPAAAAAAAACE! You can have Kitty’s little message board say anything like, “Get me down from here!” She needs a message board up there, because in space no one can hear you nyan.
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It’s nice and all to impress your thuggish friends, but what’s really important is how your parents feel. So shut your gob and listen to some inspirational adages from haggard old men and maybe you too can change your life around like That Boy Joe (1944).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Oral Roberts, whatever else you want to say about him, wasn’t going to just sit around waiting for Jesus to show up again and put an end to his cash flow. He and his hair went out there and preached his ass off, shooting for no less than a million souls saved from just one crusade. And if each one of them put just five dollars in the bucket at the end of the night . . .
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130.5 Al Dente

01305 El Dente

When we were kids, we assumed everything had a personality. Toys, numbers, bits of Tupperware ™, everything was its own person. This was either due to an abundance of imagination on our part or the complete lack of personality on the parts of everyone else in our lives. But numbers had distinct personalities and genders. We thought we were the only ones who did this until we grew up and met each other. And then we started arguing about the details. “Six isn’t a girl, he’s a goofball.” “How could you think 7 is a boy? She’s obviously coming on to 8.” What should have brought two kindred souls together has become an ongoing debate. But when you think of all the petty bullshit that couples fight over, arguing whether 3 wears a skirt is better than money, sex and dominance, right? And if it ever gets too heated, the coffee maker is always there to cast the deciding vote.

Here’s the first teaser that Skullard saw:

Here’s the trailer Luka saw:

Here’s what they shoulda fuckin’ showed us:

It’s like the old saying goes . . .
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OVA – Ice Cream In Hell

000 OVA Ice Cream In Hell

We don’t usually go out of our way to be political. We go out of our way to be silly. But every so often, the political scene gets so silly we can’t avoid it or, to put it another way, get out of its way. The whole Hobby Lobby case was nothing but political silliness, but somehow the Supreme Court decided that it was logical. This week we take a few moments to follow that silly logic to one of its obvious conclusions.