047 Properly Sozzled

Seeing as it’s Memorial Day Weekend, it is only fitting that we take a moment to remember the Titans. “The who,” you ask? You’ve forgotten already and tried to change the subject to classic rock. It won’t work, Buster. The Titans are the ones who clashed and had wrath like Kahn, who was played by Ricardo Montalban who was suave and smooth and had skin like fine Corinthian leather. But this weekend isn’t for watching old Star Trek movies. It’s for remembering all the fallen in the various Star Wars of our past. This is a weekend for honoring their memory by dressing up as a stormtrooper, going to a sci-fi convention, and hoping to get laid by promising to leave the helmet on. NO! If you believe that, you are a fool! This weekend is actually the time to barbeque. The reason we grill meat out of doors is to honor those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have the freedom to char flesh undisturbed by assholes who hover over the shoulder with a beer and say, “You really oughta flip that.” In other words, remember the cows, who beat the Titans with a fieldgoal in overtime. Happy Day Off!

Re-Animator (1985) is a gross-out classic that doesn’t honor the dead so much as use them as comic meat-puppets. According to Luka’s Bad Movie Review (and seriously, who else are you going to trust?), this is a Great Intentionally Bad Movie. The story is pretty much what you would expect: a junior mad scientist moves into some guy’s house, reanimates a dead cat a couple of times to warm up, then moves on to shake things up at the morgue. You know, like you do. Among this film’s many claims to fame, it has the first decapitated oral sex scene. That’s right, this is the film that started it all! Plus, there’s mid-Eighties tits. What more could you want from a gore flick loosely based on some H.P. Lovecraft ideas? Snacks? Dude, this is NOT a movie for snacks. Eat before hand, let it settle, and have a bottle of Pepto on hand so you can enjoy Re-Animator, the cat-batting classic.

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka and Skullard explore 1985’s Re-Animator; a film as much based on H.P. Lovecraft as it is on real science.

A wretchedly unpopular girl named Marion’s entire future happiness depends on whether or not she’ll being invited to party. Will she? The answer will surprise and depress you! Please shed bitter tears over this week’s bonus educational short: Social Acceptability (1957).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ‘em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

We’re always talking about Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com and you’re always hearing his music in our podcast. Here’s a little taste. The next time you’re chasing orcs through a forest with your battle axe in hand, here’s a handy tune to hum in your head!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Is it just me, or do these cows look properly sozzled? Damned alcoholic cows. Still, they beat the Titans in overtime.

038 Better Than Ragu

Despite our best intentions to keep things moving along all quick and snappy like, this episode took on a life of its own and went long. So what is that makes episode 38 Special? Is it because we talk so long we end up Rocking Into The Night? Is it so long that it makes you relax your grip on your MP3 player to the point that you Hold On Loosely? Or are you so Caught Up In You that you couldn’t care less? Well, we hope you’ll give us a Second Chance and enjoy this double-sized, giggle-filled episode.

In our usual chatter about TV, we bemoan the wrapping up of The Walking Dead, breathe sweet relief over the wrapping up of The River, wake up to the new show Awake, and celebrate the fact that Grimm just keeps getting . . . broadcast. Then the news proves that Facebook is out to bite your ass, but that’s hardly news, is it? Criminals keep getting busted by status updates and friend requests. Why do we keep using it? Why don’t you go to our Twitter feed and let us know! Oh, and the best thing to do if you’re late for a court date? Hammer down! And finally, an estranged husband puts a transmitter under his wife’s bed so he can NOT hear her having sex. Makes perfect sense, right?

Orphan (2009) practically dares you to predict its twist ending, bragging, “You’ll never guess her secret.” And then it cheats you out of crucial clues that would have helped you see what’s coming. But after Luka’s Bad Movie Review, you can sit back and enjoy this movie without all that burden on the brain. We just go ahead and spoil the twistiness so you can focus on the acting from some cute, if creepy, kid performers. So, what do you do when you lose a child? You pick up another one from the orphanage, because they’re all interchagable, right? This tale of buyer’s remorse takes all the fun out of treehouses, playground structures, and trippy blacklight painting. Oh, and also the sexualization of pre-adolescents. Sorry to ruin that for ya. Still, Luka gives it a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad rating, so it’s worth a watch. Just make sure you stay on Esther’s good side, assuming she has one.

We launch a new game in our Random Encounter segment: “That’s Not My Porn!” Find out just how well Luka knows Skullard’s perverted tastes, and perhaps pick up a few suggestions for your adult viewing library as well.

An erstwhile penguin gives the camera the bird, then takes off at “tremendous speed”. Go Pingu, go!

If this sign by the highway is anything to go by, you may be listening to the Devil’s favorite podcast!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This is a German postcard that strangely has no caption or information on the back as to what’s so special about neon orange spaghetti. So, of course, I had to make something up myself.

Get up early in the morning while your still in your pajamas
Start making marinara that’s even better than your mama’s
Add oregano and garlic, let it simmer all day long
You’d think that it would save the meal, but sadly friend you’re wrong
Grate some parmasan and dump it on like it’s confetti
Nothing you can do will salvage day-glow spaghetti.

You can chow on kitty litter or chomp mushrooms from your lawn
Eat five gas station omelets until every bite is gone
You can suck a scoop of Vaseline or slugs or sumac leaves
Or any nasty substance that would give a goat the heaves
Think you’ve got an iron stomach? Are you confident you’re ready?
There’s nothing to prepare your gut for day-glow spaghetti.

I knew a kid in second grade, we all called him Freddy
He could have been a NASCAR champ like Mario Andretti
Or a fearsome big game hunter to stalk the Serengeti
Or play guitar and write more songs than someone like Tom Petty
Or cure disease or bring world peace . . . the sad fact is instead he
perished after half a plate of that day-glow spaghetti.

Hey, kids! Is school fun? Are you enjoying your friends and teachers? Well, once you get to Junior High EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE FOREVER! Please enjoy (and be traumatized by) Your Junior High Days (1963).