147 Desecration

147 Desecration Luka and Skullard have been sick with colds, insomnia, and various other horrifying maladies. But now we have come back to pod a cast again for your temporary amusement. This episode will answer several of your burning questions such as; how long does it take to clean up a pile of sticks? What will non-pregnant Luka name her non-existent baby? What do Justin Long’s Eyeballs taste like? Why is there a security camera hidden in that window? Does Panera Bread control our fate? What would license plate Jesus do? And so on!

My little brother was hit by a car. AGAIN. What an idiot! Maybe throwing a bunch of dull statistics in his face will teach him a lesson about bicycle safety. Please enjoy the blatent tomfoolery of The Bicycle Clown (1958)!

The apocalypse is nigh! Isn’t it always? Anyway, admit your sins and fall to your knees, jackass!


OVA Expectations

000 OVA Expectations
This is our vacation week, and what did we do with all that time off? We ate at Panera Bread. “What? The Skullards didn’t eat every meal at Noodles and Co.?” Well, we still ate there as well, but we also ate at Panera Bread, where you can feast on yummy sandwiches and other people’s conversations. Listen in on our conversation and find out why we own so many wigs.

121 Violence And Boobs

121 Violence and BoobsA “man-crush” is what an average straight cis guy gets when he sees another man who’s so beautiful that he can understand the attraction. Back in the 80’s, a young Skullard started going to the theater every week that his favorite movie Flash Gordon was playing. And as he watched the sexy-hot Princess Aura kissing Prince Barin, he found himself admitting that they were both getting a pretty good deal there.
Timothy Dalton
Not long after that, CBS came out with this great fantasy sit-com called Wizards and Warriors. So taken was our young Skullard with the show’s villain Dirk Blackpool (Duncan Regher) that he started walking around wearing his black ski jacket with the collar pulled way up like he was trying to receive satellite transmissions.
Of course, now-a-days our boy just watches Stephen Amell of Arrow doing that pull-up bar routine of his and rewinds it over and over.
Nothing wrong with any of that, right?

Speaking of man-crushes, Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton) came back this week in Showtime’s new Victorian horror series Penny Dreadful. Can’t say much about it yet because there’s only been one episode, but it does have Victor Frankenstein, Dorian Grey and Timothy Dalton in it. Did we mention it features Timothy Dalton? Timothy Dalton.

This is the trailer for Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) that we deemed a little much for our Facebook page. To be honest, it’s a bit much for any page, but we trust you not to watch if you can’t handle it. Skullard couldn’t. He’s in the corner right now hugging his knees and asking Hello Kitty to tell him a pretty story please.

You may think this is a simple classroom discussion film about rumors and the dangers of jumping to conclusions, but it’s actually a complex allegory. Jean and Laura are best friends who call each other “best friends” several times a day to tamp down on the smoldering passion of a love that dare not speak its name. Frida is a foxy little slattern who dishes dirt all day, privy to all the ins and outs of high school intrigue. Laura (President Obama) is in a position to nominate Jean (Susan Rice) for the position of Pep Club President (Secretary of State), but Foxy News Frida tries to queer the deal with misinformation and “I’m just telling you what I saw” rumor-mongering. Will Obama stay the course and nominate his first pick for this vital cabinet position, or will he cave to pressure cooked up from right-wing pundits? Find out in The Gossip (1955).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Meet Mervin and Marva Mopes of Torkle, AK. No kidding. Their motto: “Good Behavior For Your Savior”. Still not kidding. Luka and I may not be going anywhere on this vacation, but thank Shaundakul we aren’t traveling anywhere with these people. Though to be fair, when these people pimp their ride, they don’t scrimp on the stereo equipment. Or does a roof-mounted bullhorn count more as mono than stereo? I tried asking but couldn’t hear the answer because my eardrums were bleeding.

116 A General Stink

116 A General StinkBack when we were in school, on St. Patrick’s Day you were expected to wear something green on your person. If you were caught without some green on you, other people were allowed to pinch you. It was never clear if this was official policy or whether school administrators simply looked the other way, put this punitive system was vigorously enforced. You either conformed to the arbitrary one day dress code or you were pinched. And it was up to whoever was applying the fingers of justice where you got pinched and how hard. Some of these people were rank bastards about it. And it wasn’t a one-off either. Anyone catching you without green got to squeeze a bit of your flesh regardless of how many welts you’d already endured by that point. What this system had to do with Ireland or Catholicism was anybody’s guess, but when the morning of March 17th came around, you sure weren’t thinking about saints. You were digging in your closet and sock drawers for anything that would save your skin. But once you were properly attired, there was no guarantee you wouldn’t get micro-groped by those overly enthusiastic assholes who lived by the maxim “Pinch first, ask questions later.” So perhaps you went on the offensive, snapping out at others and playing color-cop in order to forestall any assaults on your own person. Or maybe you just hunkered down, wearing three long-sleeved shirts and a jacket, waiting for lunch recess when the worst of it would be over. Either way, it was a relief when you were finally old enough for St. Patrick’s Day to become a drinking holiday which has everything to do with Ireland and Catholicism.

This is Echo, one of Luka’s role-playing characters. She’s leveled up and up to the point where she’s so powerful, she’s one the verge of the divine, much like her cleavage. But she can’t just become a goddess by filling out an application at the post office. She needs to attract worshipers by performing godly acts. Luka would like your help coming up with godly acts for Echo to perform (beyond the pornographic ones that Skullard has already provided in full and horrendous detail). Please go to our Facebook page and give your suggestions for how we can elevate Echo to the heavenly realms. Because this is important. Vital, even.

The secretary is an invaluable asset to every office environment, performing her duties with prompt efficiency and foresight. If she does her job properly (and it is, of course, a “she“), everything runs so smoothly that you would hardly notice she’s there. It’s only when she screws up or is a slob that she draws attention to herself, and who would want that? Certainly not any man she works for. Learn how to keep your head down and work like a good little drone in A Secretary’s Day (1947).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a couple of precious snowflakes being protected by a celestial guardian and a useless dog. So nice of Kensington Funeral Home to remind us to keep our kiddies safe, isn’t it? Seems like such a public service runs the risk of cutting into their bottom line. But look at what they’re promoting: “Leave it in God’s hands. Trust the survival of your children to the angels and various loyal animals. Every thing will be fine now that you know heaven’s winged bodyguards are on the job. So let your kids play in the street with abandon.” Thanks Kensington Funeral Home.

096 Suck It Up, Quit Whining And Have Fun

Why waste your Sunday morning bowing and scraping to your silly deity when you could lay about in your filthy underpants listening to What Could Go Wrong? This week Skullard and Luka blather on about many pointless topics that are sure to enchant you. Oh! Such as The Ug Couple, the Hot Guy Gas Station, A Touch of Cloth, the Virgin Mary’s birthday and three-way goat fuckery! Wow! Will the entertainment never cease? (Yes, it will. We had to eat cheese pizza and cream-filled chocolate donuts.)

Are you brimming with ungodly arrogance like Skullard and Luka? Alright then you smartass, why not try your hand at The Deck of Many Things? Perhaps you will win fabulous treasures, the likes of which you have never seen! Or maybe you’ll be cursed to an eternity of misery and disease. Whee! Uncertainty is fun!

Did we gush on enough about A Touch of Cloth? Well, have you started watching it? If not, more gushing is called for.

Remember kids: it’s no fun to fall down and get hurt all the time, and everybody will hate you! For crying out loud, haven’t you got any Skateboard Sense (1975)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: sometimes spiritual nagging comes in handy postcard form. Go to church every Sunday! Don’t forget to dress like a total prat. Be thou faithful unto death. Death, I say!

And if that wasn’t enough of a guilt trip to get your ass back to church, how about THIS? Your non-conformity makes puppies and kittens sad! You don’t want to make innocent fluffy critters weep for your lost soul… DO YOU?!

086 Most Likely To Succeed

Sure, this is Father’s Day, but it’s also Fudge Day which honest people will admit to being even nearer and dearer to their self-indulgent hearts. Fudge originated at Vassar College in the 1880’s and quickly spread to other women’s colleges throughout the region because there were no vibrators yet. C’mon, you can’t have underwear pillow fights every night, right? Not long after, shops on Mackinac Island in Michigan began cooking up the squishy goodness to sell to tourists. Suddenly, there were tourist on Mackinac Island. Coincidence? In fact, some of those shops that sold fudge in the late 1900’s are still around making bliss and SHOULD CONSIDER BECOMING SPONSORS OF A CERTAIN PODCAST. For example, the Mackinac Fudge Shop wouldn’t have to spend a dime to get us to embed a link to their website from our own. Just a bit of product every so often would certainly buy our loyalty, mercenaries that we are. Of course, the same deal goes out to Alexia Potatoes as well. And if you’re offended at the level of whoredom we’re willing to sink to, perhaps you’ve never considered what a couple of cheap whores can do to improve your life. Ask yo Momma. Also, this podcast could easily be brought to you by Prunes. We don’t think most people realize just how good prunes are. Though not as good as fudge, right Mackinac Fudge Shop?

Donald Duck – NOT appropriate for children. Never was, never will be. Fucking rage-aholic spazmatron.

This guy is one persuasive bastard. You really ought to listen to this proto-geek prune enthusiast.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Another postcard . . . with chimpanzees. Here’s Bongo, the official WCGW cook whipping up our Thursday night after podcast meal. Please Alexia Potatoes . . . PLEASE save us from this fate!

073 The Future Makes Me Think

There is a Skullard, has a wife and Luka is her name-o. L – U – K – A -O! L – U – K – A – O! L – U – K – A – O! Something blah blah hey, oh.

Okay, okay. Enough of that spelling and rhyming nonsense. This week’s podcast is full of exciting developments! There are exciting news stories about alligators, underage drivers and drugged milkshakes. But there are also special bits of crap that you (the listener perhaps) can only hear on What Could Go Wrong?! What kind of crap, you (the listener perhaps as I may have mentioned earlier) may ask? I shall tell you! There are bonechilling stories about potential death crashing through your front door! Informative tips to make you a better belcher! And also (get this) a live taste-testing! Skullard will consume a vegetarian chili dog as we record this very podcast! Gasp! Chew! What Could Go Wrong?!

Have you lost your home, your possessions, your grand-mother or your skin due to the terrible burny wrath of fire? Thanks to this week’s moderately thrilling educational short, we now have a way of preventing such things from happening again. Please sit back and enjoy Fire (1946)!

Get out your glow sticks and thump a while to another of Kevin MacLeod’s lil’ numbers!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Welcome to Party Central. There’s always room for one more…

068 There’s A Hole

This just in: There’s a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. Our crack team of experts are on location, braving the myriad dangers of deep sea exploration, trying to determine if there may be something on the speck. Meanwhile, a noted zoologist from Oslo has put forward the theory that the frog may not be a frog at all considering it’s able to withstand the immense, crushing pressure of the sea bottom, not to mention it has a fucking tail. A Mrs. Helen Torquette of Gorsen, KY claims the log is actually hers and was stolen some months ago by, in her words, “Them transients what park their RVs up the road next to Neta’s place. Never did trust the likes of them, and now they done took my log.” Deputy Alan Morse disputes Mrs. Torquette’s claim, stating, “Helen’s a damn nut. She’s still got her log. It’s propping up her husband Gary’s El Camino in their front yard. I doubt she’s missing any of her fleas either.” And Rev. Enoch Terse, pastor of the First Evangelical Free Congregational Four Cornered Church of the Fucked, has started an online petition to halt any removal of the log from the hole. “Dat log was put there by God Hisself!” explains Rev. Terse. “What God chooses ta plug up da sea with, man should never go and unplug. Can I get an AMEN? And what’s gonna happen iffin’ man, with his science and his pride, goes an’ unplugs the ocean? The sea, it’s gonna drain away! All the fishes is gonna go down the hole! We ain’t gonna got no sea, and we ain’t gonna got no fishes, and God’s blue ocean is gonna be gone! And what’s man gonna say? Is the science man gonna take responsibility that there ain’t no fish no more? No! He’s gonna say it’s global warmin’, the Devil’s own lie! We can’t let that happen, AMEN? Are we gonna let them touch one speck on one flea on one tail on one frog on one bump of that log? Great God Almighty, no!”

What Could Go Wrong? will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Luka gives two thumbs (and hooves) up to this week’s Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Black Sheep (2006). Have you ever wondered who would win the battle if sheep decided to turn on mankind? Find out, stupid! You can start by watching this exciting trailer:

Dazzling the stage with his prissy transformation comes Star Driver‘s Galactic Pretty Boy! Beware, or he’ll tjuzs you to death!

Minnesota’s Moon Rocks encased in a lucite globe. How the blazes do you lose MOON ROCKS, you entitled bitches!?!

In this week’s helpful educational short, a rotten kid and his scumbag friends throw rocks through windows. Was that a good thing to do, or a bad thing to do? Should the culprits be punished, or should their parents and pastors protect them from the consequences or their idiotic actions? You’ll be on the edge of your seat for Right or Wrong (1951)!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod provides the perfect soundtrack. Planning on a friendly bit of safe cracking or second-story work? Hit play, think sneaky, and get busy.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Want to take a stab at challenging Luka’s mad skills on Hello Kitty’s Cafe? I suggest you start training now with this informative correspondence course. Buster, you’re going to need all the help you can get.

060.5 Penne Will Not Alleviate Your Misfortune

It seems we have finally found what it takes to shut Skullard up: coughing fits. There’s just something about the hacking expulsion of phlegm that plays havok on that jolly repartee feeling we try so hard to nurture. Hopefully Luka won’t fall prey to the vicious viscous virus as badly as her ailing and afflicted husband, but bedrest and veggies are on the schedule to bring both hosts back up to fighting form. If all goes well, and if frequent visits to a certain pasta outlet are made, perhaps next week a full-sized, full-throated podcast will burst forth fully formed from our feeble frames. Or not. You can never really know. After all, something else could go wrong.

Our friend Fat Nyan has decided to speak up, nyan! He is a plump feline who has dedicated his life to educating the youth of today, nyan. This week, nyan, he discusses the importance of eating one’s vegetables, nyan. Terrible things will happen if you do not, nyan. For more information, please view his video, nyan.

Behold! The Cauldron of Evil!

Does your job make you sick? Well, cheer up, dumb-ass! You might be more important than you think. Please become inspired by this week’s bonus educational short; You and Your Work (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Say what you will about Noodles & Company, they don’t have this kind of variety. To be fair though, I’ve seen more varieties of pasta shapes in the Mac & Cheese aisle at my grocery store. Where’s Sponge Bob? Where’s Spiderman? I wish the back of the card had the names of the different pastas corresponding with the numbers in the picture, but all it says on the back is “Pasta”. This is often the way when I seek education or enlightenment from postcards: lots of stuff to pique my interest, but skimpy on the details. It’s good practice for watching the news.

056 Hither And Nyan

Our first attempt at this episode was a dismal failure, as opposed to those light-hearted, optimistic failures you’ve come to know and tolerate. So, we tossed it. We gave up. We quit. We cursed ourselves as twats and peons and foul smelling vermin. Looking back, perhaps we were a triffle hard on ourselves. But then we visited cats, ate about a pound of Jo-Jos and watched the K-On! movie. Then somewhere, in our over-the-counter AND prescription drug accelerated slumbers, as the night sanded over the rough and pointy peaks of the previous day, iron re-entered our spines and strength infused our sinews. The lights in our eyes were re-kindled. Somehow resolve poured back into our fibers and we woke with with a new spring in our step and song in our hearts. We were bucked, quite bucked indeed. Caffeine helped as well. But we looked at each other and we knew . . . we had to try again. We were not quitters. As the anime lyric says, “We are never give up!” So we fired up the microphones, grabbed some baking soda, and doused the conflaguration. Then we just turned them on so we could record, and record we did, despite that acrid burnt foam smell. And here you have it: not the first attempt, but the one we enjoyed. We hope you enjoy it too and, with us, learn a valuable lesson: even when things go wrong, you can always start over and try again. You’re welcome for the free plug, divorce lawyers.

In Luka’s Bad Movie Review, an unlikeable couple, their whining daughter, and their short-lived poodle happen across a castle/shack, a weird hobo and the most terrifying ambiguous baddie of all – The Master! Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie which features the dumbest henchman ever, and a very bizarre cat-fight. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat itself a little. It repeats itself. A little. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat repeat repeat itself a little.

There is no way out of here. But don’t worry. You can spend the night. Torgo will get your luggage.

The Master’s wives must make their decision. Man, yes. Child, no! Catfight! Catfight! Nyan! Nyan!

Please enjoy Rifftrax’s version of Manos, in theatres near you on August 16, 2012. The Master would approve!

All Aboard! Ha ha ha!” Those are the words of Ozzy Osbourne. Thomas happily rolled his eyes. Then Thomas chugged while Mr. Osbourne continued to enchant us with his musical performance. There were many antics and non-lethal train wrecks to follow! Thomas crashed into snowbanks, ditches, barns and several of his companions. He tooted cheekily at Gordon! Gordon got cross. Later, in an unrelated incident, Gordon crashed into a wall. James got stuck on a turntable and became dizzy. A crate of treacle fell on Percy, much to his embarrassment. Bill and Ben taunted Boco until he became briefly insane from confusion. Filled with rage, Deisel broke his coupling and fell into a pit. A boulder chased Rusty, and crashed into a building which burst into flame. During these various occurances, the engines eyes googled and their mouths formed the shape of “O”s, signaling their distress. Luckily, no one was hurt. Thomas vanished over a sunsetty bridge into the distance while Ozzy’s enthusiastic tune came to a satisfying conclusion.

Strap a KittyCam on you kitty-cat and find out just how viscious and blood-thirsty you cuddly snuggle-wuggems is.

Welcome to Toad Suck, Arkansas, the most unfortunately named town in the U.S.A.! How it beat Dildo, New Foundland, we’ll never know.

Hey, loser! Don’t you want friends? Women? Money? Don’t you want to become socially acceptable? DON’T YOU? Then please learn from this week’s helpful educational short, Improve Your Personality (1951)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “The BURLINGTON DINER – 4183 SO. HALSTED ST. – CHICAGO, ILL. Since Nov. 27, 1939 *FAMOUS FO GOOD FOOD* Clean and Quick Service Telephone: VIRginia 9078 *THE BEST COFFEE IN TOWN* WE NEVER CLOSE” It’s been gone for years.

You didn’t see this. We didn’t talk about it. Go about your business.