056 Hither And Nyan

Our first attempt at this episode was a dismal failure, as opposed to those light-hearted, optimistic failures you’ve come to know and tolerate. So, we tossed it. We gave up. We quit. We cursed ourselves as twats and peons and foul smelling vermin. Looking back, perhaps we were a triffle hard on ourselves. But then we visited cats, ate about a pound of Jo-Jos and watched the K-On! movie. Then somewhere, in our over-the-counter AND prescription drug accelerated slumbers, as the night sanded over the rough and pointy peaks of the previous day, iron re-entered our spines and strength infused our sinews. The lights in our eyes were re-kindled. Somehow resolve poured back into our fibers and we woke with with a new spring in our step and song in our hearts. We were bucked, quite bucked indeed. Caffeine helped as well. But we looked at each other and we knew . . . we had to try again. We were not quitters. As the anime lyric says, “We are never give up!” So we fired up the microphones, grabbed some baking soda, and doused the conflaguration. Then we just turned them on so we could record, and record we did, despite that acrid burnt foam smell. And here you have it: not the first attempt, but the one we enjoyed. We hope you enjoy it too and, with us, learn a valuable lesson: even when things go wrong, you can always start over and try again. You’re welcome for the free plug, divorce lawyers.

In Luka’s Bad Movie Review, an unlikeable couple, their whining daughter, and their short-lived poodle happen across a castle/shack, a weird hobo and the most terrifying ambiguous baddie of all – The Master! Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie which features the dumbest henchman ever, and a very bizarre cat-fight. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat itself a little. It repeats itself. A little. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat repeat repeat itself a little.

There is no way out of here. But don’t worry. You can spend the night. Torgo will get your luggage.

The Master’s wives must make their decision. Man, yes. Child, no! Catfight! Catfight! Nyan! Nyan!

Please enjoy Rifftrax’s version of Manos, in theatres near you on August 16, 2012. The Master would approve!

All Aboard! Ha ha ha!” Those are the words of Ozzy Osbourne. Thomas happily rolled his eyes. Then Thomas chugged while Mr. Osbourne continued to enchant us with his musical performance. There were many antics and non-lethal train wrecks to follow! Thomas crashed into snowbanks, ditches, barns and several of his companions. He tooted cheekily at Gordon! Gordon got cross. Later, in an unrelated incident, Gordon crashed into a wall. James got stuck on a turntable and became dizzy. A crate of treacle fell on Percy, much to his embarrassment. Bill and Ben taunted Boco until he became briefly insane from confusion. Filled with rage, Deisel broke his coupling and fell into a pit. A boulder chased Rusty, and crashed into a building which burst into flame. During these various occurances, the engines eyes googled and their mouths formed the shape of “O”s, signaling their distress. Luckily, no one was hurt. Thomas vanished over a sunsetty bridge into the distance while Ozzy’s enthusiastic tune came to a satisfying conclusion.

Strap a KittyCam on you kitty-cat and find out just how viscious and blood-thirsty you cuddly snuggle-wuggems is.

Welcome to Toad Suck, Arkansas, the most unfortunately named town in the U.S.A.! How it beat Dildo, New Foundland, we’ll never know.

Hey, loser! Don’t you want friends? Women? Money? Don’t you want to become socially acceptable? DON’T YOU? Then please learn from this week’s helpful educational short, Improve Your Personality (1951)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “The BURLINGTON DINER – 4183 SO. HALSTED ST. – CHICAGO, ILL. Since Nov. 27, 1939 *FAMOUS FO GOOD FOOD* Clean and Quick Service Telephone: VIRginia 9078 *THE BEST COFFEE IN TOWN* WE NEVER CLOSE” It’s been gone for years.

You didn’t see this. We didn’t talk about it. Go about your business.

055 Not Completely Satisfied

For the record, here’s what you have to do:

1. Make a shot of espresso equaling between 1 and 1 1/2 oz. allegedly.

2. Steam 10 oz. milk, like you do.

3. Point your steam wand (YOU’RE a steam wand!) towards the bottom of that stainless steel pitcher you keep tethered to your belt-loop to steam your milk. To create froth, raise the tip just below the surface of the pitcher, or tell a nerd Alan Moore ain’t all that.

4. Pour hot milk in a 12-oz. glass until 3/4 full.

5. Pour the espresso shot into the steamed milk. The glass will now be more full. That’s science.

6. Dust with ground chocolate, cinnamon or nutmeg. Do not dust with dust. You should never leave anything on the counter that long.

There! You now know how to make a latte. You are now over-qualified to work at the coffee shop we go to. Can we come to your house?

1980’s Terror Train is a classic “You picked on me so now, years later, I’m going to kill all of you, one by one, at a party” movie. You would think a guy could get even with a simple flaming bag of dog poop on the door step, but no, it’s gotta be murder. That’s why you should never prank a med school student: they tend to be overachievers. Frat boys trick a nerd into almost getting in bed with a corpse, like they do, and the nerd goes flippo. Ha ha, very funny, but no one considers the feelings of the corpse, do they? Who’s the real victim here? Regardless, years later for a New Year’s party, the frat boys and friends rent a party train. Hey, who’s that conductor, Ringo Starr? Nope, it’s Flippo the Nerd ready to make up for all those dissection classes he missed while he was in the nut-house. Stabby-stabby-stab, screamy-screamy-scream, gag-choke-die. Revenge is pretty simple when all the assholes are stuck on a train with you and there are an unlimited number of disguises you can wear. Luka calls this a Good Unintentional Bad Movie because who hates trains, right? Terror or Thomas, trains are just good, wholesome fun. Toot-toot!

During our ride on Thomas, we passed many of his friends. These including ore boats, retired steamships, classic trains cars, and three trees worth of rotting babies. What the bloody hell?

The family of Aaron Collins have been fulfilling his last wish by going to restaurants and giving the people who wait on them $500 tips. People from all over the country have been donating to this wonderful tribute, and you can go to aaroncollins.org to learn more.

In this week’s thrilling educational short, a bunch of easily amused kids plan a swinging party, complete with a sing-a-long and a paper hat making contest! Wow! Let the good times roll with What Makes A Good Party (1950)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Our Loveliest Listener Janette sent me this great postcard which got mailed back in 1911. Believe it or not, that’s older than me, although the guy with the anchor in his britches is the spitting image of yours truly around the age of 20 or so. Not that I was in the habit of hanging around with blimps at that age, or getting high. I was a very down-to-earth lad in my day. And I was never so thrilled to get a wedgie as this dude seems to be. Still, that was back in 1911, so that may have been the only action he was going to see. Plus he’s dead now. I’m not. So, once again, I win!