Exactly three years ago on this day, we posted a podcast in our Winter gear because it was damn cold in our apartment. The reason it was so cold was because the heat was off in the building. Again, this was three years ago. Again, the heat isn’t working. Again, why the fuck do we live here? Oh yeah, because life sucks huge diseased donkey dongs sometimes.

Someone liked our post so much they added a comment. Then a picture. Our front hallway has turned into Facebook.

Skullard’s favorite show at the moment is the Rifftrax versions of the 1940’s Batman serials Batman vs. the Wizard. Here’s a peek.

With the world being such a horrific downer these days, we thought we’d show you a short that would lift your spirits and bring a smile to your lips. But then we said “fuck it” and picked this one. A Day In The Death of Donny B. will press any antidepressants you’re taking to their very limits of effectiveness, and the soundtrack alone is enough to make you turn to drugs for solace. Watch a junkie in his natural habitat with voice over commentary from a wide range of people who couldn’t give a shit. Good times!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Maybe Mr. Landlord should move here. He’d never have to provide heat for anyone again.

Once again Luka and Skullard dared to delve into the belly of the beast and visited the Mall of America. What we expected to see was not there. What we saw was not expected.

The Second Coming was never meant to be an excuse to do nothing. It was something to be kept in the back of the head along with proverbial sayings and residual guilt to help guide our actions as we move through our Christian life, such as it is. But some people will use any excuse to give up and quit, even a vague prophetic one. “Sorry, but I’m not taking down the garbage because Christ will return before the trash guy will.” “Take this job and shove it, or give it to some ambitious heathen who doesn’t mind working through the Tribulation.” “Why bother showering? When I’m raptured, Jesus will take me up into the sky and all my filth will be left behind . . . with the rest of you filth.”

Goddamnit! If you’re not running the jewelry shop anymore, how can I buy that pendant!?!

Hello Kitty in SPAAAAAAAACE! You can have Kitty’s little message board say anything like, “Get me down from here!” She needs a message board up there, because in space no one can hear you nyan.

It’s nice and all to impress your thuggish friends, but what’s really important is how your parents feel. So shut your gob and listen to some inspirational adages from haggard old men and maybe you too can change your life around like That Boy Joe (1944).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Oral Roberts, whatever else you want to say about him, wasn’t going to just sit around waiting for Jesus to show up again and put an end to his cash flow. He and his hair went out there and preached his ass off, shooting for no less than a million souls saved from just one crusade. And if each one of them put just five dollars in the bucket at the end of the night . . .

When we were kids, we assumed everything had a personality. Toys, numbers, bits of Tupperware ™, everything was its own person. This was either due to an abundance of imagination on our part or the complete lack of personality on the parts of everyone else in our lives. But numbers had distinct personalities and genders. We thought we were the only ones who did this until we grew up and met each other. And then we started arguing about the details. “Six isn’t a girl, he’s a goofball.” “How could you think 7 is a boy? She’s obviously coming on to 8.” What should have brought two kindred souls together has become an ongoing debate. But when you think of all the petty bullshit that couples fight over, arguing whether 3 wears a skirt is better than money, sex and dominance, right? And if it ever gets too heated, the coffee maker is always there to cast the deciding vote.

Here’s the first teaser that Skullard saw:

Here’s the trailer Luka saw:

Here’s what they shoulda fuckin’ showed us:

It’s like the old saying goes . . .

We don’t usually go out of our way to be political. We go out of our way to be silly. But every so often, the political scene gets so silly we can’t avoid it or, to put it another way, get out of its way. The whole Hobby Lobby case was nothing but political silliness, but somehow the Supreme Court decided that it was logical. This week we take a few moments to follow that silly logic to one of its obvious conclusions.

You come to a door. This door is unlocked by the key of your imagination or the battering ram of your relentless ire. Hey, who locked this door? What are they hiding? What do they not want us to see? I thought this was supposed to be a show, but now they’re shutting us out and locking shit. In our experience, when God closes one door he opens a Starbucks. Yes, coffee, that’s what we need. We need some stimulant for our imagination because that’s the key to unlock the goddamn door. Y’know what, fuck the door. There’s gotta be a window to this place, right? You come to a window that is smashed by the rock of your short attention span. Alright we’re in. We’re going to have to sweep up now, but we’re in. Where’s that broom of our guilt and the dustpan of our failure?

Say what you will, Rod Serling had a way of grabbing your attention right out of the gate.

The best way to sell a movie is show everybody their favorite scene from a whole different movie. That’s how they sold us Psycho II.

If Skullard wasn’t already snipped, our recent trip to the grocery store would have had him on the phone booking an appointment. This commercial takes that idea and runs with it.

What’s more educational than a synopsis of a few days in the life of a typical Caucasian family with horrendous teeth? Honestly, when Fifi the poodle got out of the yard, we were going to shit our pants. But the producers of this film didn’t stop there, the psycho bastards. There was an Easter egg coloring sequence. And a board got nailed. Just how much stimuli do these assholes think we can take? Find out if you can take the excitement of bringing in firewood AND mixing cookie dough all in one day by watching Jay Can Do It . . . can you!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Do I talk too much about TV? Am I watching too much? I mean, sometimes a show will get into my head and I’ll keep thinking about it. Maybe I even obsess a little. I dunno, do you think I have a problem?

Now you put down that bag of M&Ms, listener. No need for more than one. You’ve already had your pizza and cupcakes and you’re going to need to save a little room for after the podcast when we have cake. And pie. And a special ring-toss game using doughnuts and pixie sticks. You should probably take a moment to cleanse your pallet with a nice 64 oz. soda or a root beer float. And if you start feeling a little queasy at any time, I’ve brought a bottle of Hershey’s Syrup. It coats, soothes and relieves.

Spoonerism Day is coming up this week, and Dullard skid a jousey lob explaining to Spooka what a lunerism is. It’s the weginning of birds sweating gitched around when seeing billy. But rather than having it explained by us, here’s a click quaster mass on the topic from Two Ronnies.

The Toxic Avenger (1984) was the most successful TROMA film by far which isn’t as impressive as it sounds and it didn’t even sound that impressive to begin with. If you like your crime fighters melted, mutated and wearing a tutu, see this film and then see a professional. He’s got a face only a blind, dogless girlfriend could love. But not to worry; some of his bodily fluids aren’t completely acidic.

Utopia is back. You’ve been warned.

If you’re feeling nostalgic about those awkward teen years when your friends were all self-centered jerks and they were the nicer people in the room, you’ll love this fond look back at hetero-pairing called Dating (1970).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Luka ponders.

We are happy. Since recording this episode, the new Sailor Moon anime did come out and we watched it. (Deep breath) SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh, how we loved it. It was all pretty and colorful and almost frame-for-frame consistent with the original manga. Our nerdy little souls sing with otaku joy.

But enough about our drug of choice. Let us speak here of deeper things like college. Most of Skullard’s song was absolutely true. He can tell you why the Apostle Paul was so touchy on the subject of circumcision. You see, the early church in Galatia thought in order to be a proper Christian, you had to be a proper Jew first. And that meant trimming the fat, as it were. So a lot of potential early converts said, “Y’know, your church seems nice and all, but considering the price of admission, I’m gonna pass.” Or they’d say, “I don’t need Jesus so much that I’m slicing my junk.” So Paul said, “Stop with the putz-peeling, you persnickety penis pruning prudes! God accepts the whole man, as it were.” He even got so incensed by the topic that he suggested “As for those agitators, they should go the whole way and emasculate themselves.” (Gal. 5:12) Or, in layman’s terms, “If you feel so strongly about it, why don’t you just go ahead and cut your dick off.” And that, dear listeners, is one of the few things retained all these years after college. You can’t tell us that wasn’t worth it, right? Hooray for higher ed!

Old vs. New – The girl’s still got it!

Just in case you were wondering, there are Magical Boys as well. Here ya go, ladies.

If you really want to show a hotshot he’s not all that hot, swipe his car, pick up some Marsha Bradys, go play in another car in a ravine, and then play Grand Theft Auto some thirty years before Xbox. That’ll show him. And now we show you this – Joy Ride (1976).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This Is (was) America! An up-to-date picture would probably show a customer call center manned by inmates in a for-profit prison. Keep it free indeed. In the meantime, what’s the internet speed in Ireland?

We keep going back to these internet freeloaders who see their need for garage upgrades just as worthy a cause as dialysis for eight year old violin prodigies. It’s flabbergasting what people will ask for. And yet, had the internet been live and available when we were young ‘uns, would we have taken to the ether to beg for goodies? If so, just what goodies would we have pleaded to the masses for?

1. Money for Summer camp so we wouldn’t have had to wash windows, collect newspapers and memorize bible verses for cash.
2. Money for band trips so we wouldn’t have had to sell cookie dough, candy bars, cheese, and poinsettias while also washing cars, shoveling driveways, and working concessions at football games of teams who never once had to raise a cent for uniforms, equipment or trips because hey, it’s football man!
3. A guitar that was the right size for small hands so Skullard wouldn’t have given up lessons in the third grade only to try again and like it after high school, teaching himself and becoming a hack player.
4. A llama.
5. The full run of MAD magazine in mint condition.
6. Money to hire professionals to do the yard work our parents apparently conceived children in order to avoid doing themselves.
7. All the money back that was constantly stolen by a younger brother from the underwear drawer and by a mother who had an ATM card.
8. A friend.

Sometimes upgrades are important. You don’t want to go cheap on appliances and get stuck with a piece of crap (are you listening Mr. Landlord?). Getting the right appliance might cost a bit more, or a lot more, or more than your stingy-gut husband wants to spend, but in the end everyone will be happy you made a wise purchase under penalty of death. Find out the rewards of wise buying practices in Once And Forever (1956).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Success? Why are these jokers going about it the hard way? All you have to do is get enough people to send you money and you can be a millionaire by the age of 27.