Hello, Skullard here. It’s that time of year again when snow falls, roads ice over and the lowly delivery man is put to the holiday test. In case you’ve been wondering, I’ve failed that test day after long, frigid day. Truth is, I’m wrung out like an old wash rag. But that’s where Luka (the Ever Amazing) comes to the rescue and stiches together a clip show with all the craft and care of a Dr. Frankenstein making himself a new friend. Here’s an offering of uplifting classics to see you through your own pre-holiday hell in one easy-to-share-with-everyone-you-know-so-we-can-get-our-download-numbers-back-up form. Enjoy!

It’s that time of year again when we start to play the gifting game. What do I get Frank? What does Frank deserve? Did Frank give me anything last year? Does it matter? Am I under some kind of social contract with Frank that excludes me from just ignoring that cheapskate altogether? How about a card? A gift card? Does Frank have the base intelligence to even use a gift card? And what kind of card? Denny’s? Amazon? Bed, Bath & Boner-pills? Wait, will these companies even ship to where Frank lives? How much do I want to spend on this asshole? Are we even still related? When was the last time we even talked on the phone? If I died, would Frank even show up at the memorial service? If he did, would he speak? What would he say? “Hi, I’m Frank, and I really didn’t know the deceased all that well, but they never forgot a holiday. Crappy taste in presents though.” Ah fuck you, Frank. You get nothing now based on that entirely made up scenario. Who’s next, Mom? She’s so old she won’t even be around for my funeral. Well, fuck her then too. Hey, this is working out. Who else can I eliminate?

When Skullard tried to paraphrase some of the stats on population growth, he botched it up royal. Here’s Thom Hartmann (not “Dan” . . . Skullard, you knuckle-head!) with the actual numbers and hope for saving the world.

Why burgle people? You know that some of them have axes, right? And they’re former competitive axe-throwers? What’s the matter with you? By the way, you have to love this coverage of the story. Great use of Google Maps and Flintstones sound effects.

With a new decade dawning like a warm sun of hope, 1960 was a year promising the best of everything to the American family. There was technology, convenience, comfort and the casual subjugation of the women folk. But every societal sundae needs a little whipped cream on top, and the Brunswick corporation was right there with family fun on steroids – bowling! Take a dip in the luscious pond of white chocolate that is bowling in America with The Golden Years (1960).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here are TWO postcards featuring the great Ronnie Gaudern, true champion of the lanes. If you’d like to visit the Ronnie Gaudern and His “Columbia 300” Bowling Ball Fan Club, you can always click the link. I’ve personally seen Ronnie’s picture on various web pages and once on a poster at the Mall of America. It just goes to show what a champion bowler can accomplish in this world.

“Hey babeh . . . how you doin’?”

hALLOWeen

On Halloween in days of yore
Costumed kids ran door to door
But you don’t see that anymore
Since parents were infected
By tales of needles in candy bars
And heedless children hit by cars
“Oh that can’t happen, not to ours
My child must be protected.”

So they take their kids to the well-lit mall
Or a “Harvest Fair” celebrating Fall
And kids are never scared at all
Because their parents are enlightened
But if they were allowed outside
They might wonder what the darkness hides
And no child should ever be denied
The fun of being frightened

So let werewolves howl, let ghosts say “boo”
Let vampires bite a neck or two
Let witches ‘round their cauldrons brew
Their fearsome formulations
Let zombies rise and walk about
Let banshees wail, let goblins shout
“It’s Halloween!” before bringing out
Your Christmas decorations

Wondering what all the spoopiness is about? Here’s the Buzzfeed article that has made “Spoopy” this year’s Halloween meme.

James Creighton had a visit from the cops because his Halloween display was too scary for some crybaby pussy kid who’s mommy probably still wipes his poopy butt. Click the pic to donate to his charity collection page.

Looking for the perfect gift for that toxic gas-bag in your life? Consider Shreddies, the flatulence-filtering underwear. At least one end of your mother-in-law will become more tolerable.

Remember: only losers read gravestones.

It’s important to have beliefs in life, unless those beliefs lead to . . . murder! Get your head right, chum! Stop thinking like and unsafe nitwit that does unlicensed electrical work. Rid yourself of Six Murderous Beliefs (1955), you sissy!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: scaring the young’uns . . . it’s what this holiday’s all about, ain’t it?

Witches, super villains, serial killers, bullies for hire, Luka’s mother . . . my, but there are a lot of nasty people out there. Too bad not all of them are fictional. Yes, the world is full of horrible monsters, whether they’re sick, sadistic socialites, high-speed heroine addicts or chicks who pack too much ass into not enough skirt. Don’t they know it’s anti-bullying week? Maybe if they took even just one week off they could see how much easier life could be when they don’t have to go to all the bother of inflicting pain on the population. Think of how much that could free up their schedule. They could take up hobbies like badminton, harpsichordery, or potato stamp printing.

Yes, undertakers do wear top hats. And they do have down time.

Damned if isn’t great to have American Horror Story Coven to watch. Bates, Basset and Lang make either the most frightful flock of furies or a law firm you do NOT want to fuck with.

Madam Marie Delphine LaLaurie was one sick, horrendous bitch. The more you learn about her, the harder it is to believe she wasn’t strung up by her innards. In American Horror Story Coven, they’re going to bring her into the present day. What could possibly go wrong? We believe if she actually was alive today she’d probably find all new ways to express her sadism. Publishing e-books, for example.

Okay, Madchen Amick goes starkers through a fair bit of Witches of East End. Not bad for a lady in her 40’s, right? Past that, there’s nothing to see here folks.

Oh, Arrow! Now here’s a show you can sit back, snarf snacks, sneer, scoff and snark to your heart’s content. And yet somehow you’re always glad to see more.

Distracted driving? Yeah, we’ll guess that shooting up with heroine could be a bit more of a distraction than finding just the right jam on your iPod.

Okay nerds, here you go: Who Would Win? Graviton VS Magneto. They’re both very attractive men (*snicker*) with huge . . . power levels. Go to our Facebook Page and tell us who you think would come out on top in a head to head battle. Give reasons. Get nerdy. Luka will read what you have to offer on next week’s podcast.

What could be more hilarious than watching a little boy get run over by a car? Why, seeing him develop multiple personalities as a result. So, what’s wrong with playing in the street? Find out by watching this week’s educational short: Dick Wakes Up (1954).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The Top Hat Diner, where high calories meets high society. Undertakers eat free.

In January of 2008, four people admitted to killing a teenage runaway over a game of Monopoly, the deadliest board of all. The previous April, Hartford police found the battered body of Alexandria Clouse-Desmond, 18, in a microwave oven box in a closet in a Hartford apartment next to a little green motel. Police said Clouse-Desmond was beaten, kicked, stomped with a metal shoe and strangled in an altercation that erupted during a Monopoly game. She died from asphyxiation and poor choices of playmates. Michael Davis, 22, and Darzell Weinstein, 19, pleaded guilty in Hartford Superior Court to accessory to first-degree manslaughter and tampering with evidence and will each serve 18 years in prison unless they roll doubles. Tiara Dixon and Leslie Caraballo, both 19, pleaded guilty to accessory to commit first-degree manslaughter and will serve 12 years. The prosecutor in the case, John Fahey said the original murder charges were reduced because all of the suspects suffer from some form of mental illness, presumably the same illness that leads people to believe that Monopoly is fun. The defense attorney did try to use his “Get out of Jail free” card, but the judge said no.

Laura Chavez, a 60 year-old New Mexican woman, was drinking and playing a game of Monopoly (BAD combination!) with her grandson and her boyfriend, Clyde “Butch” Smith. When Chavez suspected Smith of cheating, she sent her grandson to bed and proceeded to hit Smith over the head with a bottle and then stabbed him repeatedly with a kitchen knife. It’s always good to send the kiddies to bed before having “grown-up time” with your boyfriend . . . such as assaulting him with deadly weapons. The fight was because he was trying to take all the Free Parking money and Chavez asserted, “There is no such thing as Free Parking money. This is craziness!” That’s right, this woman knows from ‘craziness‘. Smith was covered in cuts to his head and wrist and was hospitalized, which was fine because he didn’t feel like staying the night anyway. The EMTs used a little wheelbarrow to put him into a little racecar and sped him away. When police got to the scene, they found Chavez under her porch covered in blood. A little Scottie dog had sniffed her out down there. They asked her if it was Smith’s blood and she said, “Yes. I fucked him up,” because honesty is important. She went directly to jail and did not pass “GO”.

How the hell did we miss THIS STORY?

This is Luka’s favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon. Get ready for memory lane.

016 – Baton Bunny from trepo on Vimeo.

One of Skullard’s favorite Bugs Bunny cartoons, Rabbit Punch (which is full of violence and cheating at sports) can be watched right here!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yeah, it was a bit hot in the apartment this week . . .

Luka and Skullard have been together since 1998, but as of Sunday it’s actually been twelve full years of marriage. Where has the time gone? In some ways, it seems like it’s flown by. They say that time does the whole flying thing when you aren’t paying attention due to other more fun things going on. That’s us in a nutshell, which is a place we’re used to by now. We’re just two nuts sharing the same shell and loving the close proximity that such an arrangement provides. Granted, the shell in question may be Demon Lord Dante Tower (Demon Lord Dante!?!), but anywhere is paradise when you’re in good company. Thanks for listening and joining us for this little podcast/anniversary party. Don’t worry that you didn’t bring a gift. We’ll just say you paid for the free pizza.

July 20th is National Lollipop Day. I think we may have something here worth celebrating.

Rhubarb chutney – a weapon of mass destruction! Luckily for the public, this would never be allowed on an airplane.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: On July 14th, 2001, these two dorky, loner onions celebrated the joyful fact that they had found each other and joined together in holy vegetable matrimony. Immediately, there was an outcry from the religious right about how this multi-layered couple were an affront to traditional marriage. But they persevered, and now they’re celebrating their 12th anniversary, putting their affection on display for the whole world to see, almost as brazen as that wanton slag Deborah Harry.