050 And Still Nobody Cares

This episode would have been last week’s episode but we had a little episode last week in the form of a flood. We live up in snow country where massive amounts of the white stuff can dump on us and we’ve got it covered. We’ve got shovels and plows and snow-blowers and children we can exploit as cheap labor. Bury us in snow and we laugh in defiance, because we’re prepared baby! But shit, rain? What’s this rain stuff? Why won’t it just sit there waiting for us to pick it up with shovels? It’s so . . . fluid. No one up here was prepared for days of torrential rain, so the sewers backed up, pipes burst, mud slid, streets turned into rivers and the pavement fell out from under our feet. Boy, were we fucked. So, instead of recording our benchmark 50th episode last week, we pitched in and helped dig out some of our neighbors under the guise of being good people. Sadly, we didn’t fool anybody, so fuck those people. Let ’em do their own dirty work. We’re back doing our darnedest for you, our beloved listener, bringing you a brand new What Could Go Wrong? It’s more fun that shoveling mud, though if we do it right, we still need a shower afterwards.

This week’s Bad Movie Review features what many are going to insist is not a bad movie. Jaws (1975) is one of those cultural touchstones that most people over a certain age have seen (unless you’re Skullard). People talk about it and discuss it and compare other films to it and consider it a piece of cinematic history . . . conveniently forgetting how blatently ridiculous it is. Sure, it’s a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, but it’s still a bad movie if you demythologize it and watch it with fresh eyes. In fact, Luka has given Jaws the full stick-figure treatment so you can see the story for what it truly is. What Could Go Wrong? is proud to present . . . Jaws!

Do you find yourself sitting around like a worthless lump while others are having fun? Are you a filthy urine-soaked coward? Please enjoy and become heartened by this week’s bonus educational short: Overcoming Fear (1950).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

As always, you’ve got to go over and check out Kevin MacLeod at incompetec.com! He’s got music for anything you’re doing. Try listening to this while jogging and you’ll think you’re being followed by a camera crew for the opening credits of a disaster movie . . . which will give you an excuse to stop jogging.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, we lied. This isn’t a postcard this week. It’s a little photo we took of ourselves. This being the 50th episode and all, we decided to celebrate by making a cake . . . and auditioning for the next season of Mad Men. Skullard’s shooting for the role of Pete Campbell’s suave but insidious cousin while Luka’s going for the prim and gregarious housewife that can do such naughty, filthy things with an icing tube. Yum!

040 There’s Wonder Everywhere

Our podcast went unexpectedly dead for a week, but here we are, resurrected. And does anyone buy us lilys? Are delightful, mythic forrest creatures hiding painted eggs for undeserving children in our honor? Hellz no! We’re amazed you noticed. Hey, nobody’s asking for the retooling of ancient pagan holidays, but a little attention maybe? Jesus come back from the dead and He gets contatas and a huge boost in church attendence. What do we get? Half-price “Day After Easter” candy, if we can beat the other cheepos to the Target. Either life-after-death isn’t fair, or that Messiah guy has one hell of an agent.

These last two weeks had so much earth-shaking news going on that we just had to ignore all of it. Instead, as we recouperated by drinking various juice admixtures, we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box. As it turns out, it was a pretty good time to have our eyes glued to the boob tube. We let you know all that has ended, all that has begun and all that is continuing in our weekly television consumption. We sure are able to watch a lot of TV for a household that doesn’t have cable. Funny that.

In 1976, Mick and Geri got together. No, not Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. You’re thinking of 1977 and the proper spelling of “Jerry”. The Mick we’re talking about is a nebbish with an antique hobby and our Geri is the town bicycle with a nebbish-fetish. These two winners go back to Geri’s hometown to bump uglies which turns out to be a mistake because the town’s earthworm population has been electrified! No, this doesn’t turn into an adult-video parody of “How To Eat Fried Worms”, because for some reason electricity empowers earthworms (the old EEE principal). Super-wriggling worms are mass-attacking innocent hillbillies, leaving nothing behind but skeletons that can be sold to pawn shops for cash money. Hooray! And if wormageddon wasn’t enough to ruin the young lovers’ date, Roger, who has a hankerin’ for Geri’s various wormholes, just happens to own a worm farm with 100,000 worms! Oooo-whee, it’s a muddy, slimey love triangle in the heart of inbred, redneck stereotype America! How’s it going to turn out? Well, you can either subject yourself to watching Squirm, or listen to Luka’s Bad Movie Review of this Unintentionally Bad Awful Movie. Or you can go eat worms for all we care.

Here’s a police artist sketch of the Shirime, taken from an “eye-witness” account.

The Snakehead fish (a.k.a. the fish from hell) is currently plaguing Maryland’s ecosystem. The state is offering $200 gift cards to anyone who can kill one of these monsters that can survive up to four days on land and has teeth that can bite through a steel-toe boot. One fisherman, who caught seven of them, said he had to finish them off with his gun. And people are making horror movies about earthworms!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: maybe you fancy-pants yankees have some meager rabbit hiding your holiday eggs, but not ’round these parts. Around here, we got us the Easter Jackalope!

Hey, what are friends, anyway? Is it good to have friends? Can classmates be friends? Can a little girl be a friend? Can and old man be a friend? Can the little girl and the old man be friends, too? Wait, what? Please enjoy this week’s educational short; The Fun of Making Friends (1950)!

. . . and for some reason, Guam.