120 Just Leave

120 Just LeaveHappy Easter. Jesus was married!?! According to recent archaeological findings, our Lord and Savior was some lady’s “Special Guy”. He was not only the Son of God, but the husband of Tracey. He had a mission to reconcile mankind to their Creator and a “Honey-Do” list. “How is it you work all week as a carpenter, but this table you promised to fix four months ago is still wobbly? And don’t think I’m going to be the one cleaning the wine stains out of the bathtub again. Just how does that happen anyway? I swear, your mother sure did a number on you. You walk around here like you’re Yaweh on earth, but you can barely keep your own feet washed. And speaking of that, who was that woman I saw you with? Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about that whore who was crying all over your feet and wiping them with her hair. What have you been up to!?! Sure, you say you’re just going out with all your loser fishing buddies, but people keep saying they see you with tax collectors and hookers. Are we in some kind of financial trouble? And what’s with all this ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ garbage? Just how many women have you been with? Christ! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mister!” And then, on the third day, the stone was rolled away from His tomb and Jesus rose from the dead. He appeared to his disciples who were in shock and disbelief, and to them He said, “All these things I have done so that man may know salvation. But don’t tell my wife, okay? Just give me a few days to enjoy this.”

Hello Kitty is oh so happy to show you our new What Could Go Wrong? business card. Coming soon to a restaurant fish bowl near you.

Take it from Mr. Murray, the debate coach who can’t speak a sentence and a half without looking down at his notes. Ray knew how to win speech tournaments and how to almost touch Marilyn’s boobs while standing too close. But when Marilyn wins the big contest, Ray’s compassionate dad makes him feel like some little girl’s bitch. Will sour-puss Ray learn the wisdom of the words, “You can win a lot of respect and inner strength by becoming a good loser”? Or will he figure out that’s bullshit. Find out in The Good Loser (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: When the Night of the Lepus comes, it’s time to fight fire with fire. Or fur with fur, as it were.


040 There’s Wonder Everywhere

Our podcast went unexpectedly dead for a week, but here we are, resurrected. And does anyone buy us lilys? Are delightful, mythic forrest creatures hiding painted eggs for undeserving children in our honor? Hellz no! We’re amazed you noticed. Hey, nobody’s asking for the retooling of ancient pagan holidays, but a little attention maybe? Jesus come back from the dead and He gets contatas and a huge boost in church attendence. What do we get? Half-price “Day After Easter” candy, if we can beat the other cheepos to the Target. Either life-after-death isn’t fair, or that Messiah guy has one hell of an agent.

These last two weeks had so much earth-shaking news going on that we just had to ignore all of it. Instead, as we recouperated by drinking various juice admixtures, we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box. As it turns out, it was a pretty good time to have our eyes glued to the boob tube. We let you know all that has ended, all that has begun and all that is continuing in our weekly television consumption. We sure are able to watch a lot of TV for a household that doesn’t have cable. Funny that.

In 1976, Mick and Geri got together. No, not Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. You’re thinking of 1977 and the proper spelling of “Jerry”. The Mick we’re talking about is a nebbish with an antique hobby and our Geri is the town bicycle with a nebbish-fetish. These two winners go back to Geri’s hometown to bump uglies which turns out to be a mistake because the town’s earthworm population has been electrified! No, this doesn’t turn into an adult-video parody of “How To Eat Fried Worms”, because for some reason electricity empowers earthworms (the old EEE principal). Super-wriggling worms are mass-attacking innocent hillbillies, leaving nothing behind but skeletons that can be sold to pawn shops for cash money. Hooray! And if wormageddon wasn’t enough to ruin the young lovers’ date, Roger, who has a hankerin’ for Geri’s various wormholes, just happens to own a worm farm with 100,000 worms! Oooo-whee, it’s a muddy, slimey love triangle in the heart of inbred, redneck stereotype America! How’s it going to turn out? Well, you can either subject yourself to watching Squirm, or listen to Luka’s Bad Movie Review of this Unintentionally Bad Awful Movie. Or you can go eat worms for all we care.

Here’s a police artist sketch of the Shirime, taken from an “eye-witness” account.

The Snakehead fish (a.k.a. the fish from hell) is currently plaguing Maryland’s ecosystem. The state is offering $200 gift cards to anyone who can kill one of these monsters that can survive up to four days on land and has teeth that can bite through a steel-toe boot. One fisherman, who caught seven of them, said he had to finish them off with his gun. And people are making horror movies about earthworms!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: maybe you fancy-pants yankees have some meager rabbit hiding your holiday eggs, but not ’round these parts. Around here, we got us the Easter Jackalope!

Hey, what are friends, anyway? Is it good to have friends? Can classmates be friends? Can a little girl be a friend? Can and old man be a friend? Can the little girl and the old man be friends, too? Wait, what? Please enjoy this week’s educational short; The Fun of Making Friends (1950)!

. . . and for some reason, Guam.