054 It’s All Very Simple

When did you learn where babies came from? Luka was only a little girl when her folks gave her “The Pop-Up Book of Reproduction.” POW! That penis came right at you! Skullard, on the other hand, ended up getting The Talk when he was a fifth grader at church. A sweaty, well-meaning youth minister somehow convinced the various parents that Sunday School was the best place for children to learn the rudimentaries of sex ed. Brave man, considering these days he would have been drawn and quartered for even suggesting to church kids that sex exists, much less how doggie style keeps the weight off the girl and allows deeper penetration. Of course, growing up as we did, there was no way either of us could have known the true realities of the intermingling of sperm and egg . . . and we still don’t. We opted out of the whole thing. Turns out, we didn’t need to know where babies came from, just where the contraceptives could be picked up. Once you know how to keep babies from showing up, it’s all very simple. And as the old acronym says, “Keep It Simple, Stupid!” Since we’re not constantly having to buy school supplies, small clothes and Lunchables, we have money to waste on toys for us. And since we don’t have to attend soccer games, teacher conferences or school programs, we can waste time by going to see Thomas the Tank Engine. Who needs a baby? We ARE the kids!

In 1980, Rory Calhoun said to himself, “Rory Calhoun, you’ve done enough of this standing and walking around business. You need to get out there and do something different. Something involving burying people up to their necks in dirt. Something where you can stick a pig on your head and have a chainsaw fight. You’ll never be able to live with yourself if you don’t. Plus, a check would be nice.” And so, Motel Hell came about. Treat yourself to this charming story of inbred cannibalism. In this Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Farmer Vincent has a great marketing plan for his backwoods motel: spiking the tires of hapless passers-by. Oops, need a place for the night? Why not stay here where you can rest and eat some of Vincent’s famous fritters? Mmmmm, tastes like chicken. What’s in ’em? Well, let’s just say “meat’s meat, and man’s gotta eat.” Take a little stroll through the back garden. Are those heads of lettuce? Nevermind. Say, when’s checkout around here?

“Lucky Larry” gets a lift out to sea from his pal and benefactor Don MacKenzie. “The most expensive lobster I never ate.”

A studio apartment with just ONE of these nasties would be too much. But Dylan Baumann lives with 40 of ’em!?! It’s hard to believe that the apartment shortage in Omaha is really this bad.

Just what every 13 year old boy needs: an unalterable body modification.

Oh! What happens when the groceries in the fridge and cupboard run out? How does one obtain more? Such an ordeal must be frought with dangers and rife with befuddling confusion, yes? No! Behold this week’s educational short; Buying Food (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Da hell ya doin’, ya numbskull? Da baby’s all wet now!”

“I’m marinatin’ him. Da hell youse t’ink I’m doin’, nimrod? I’m givin’ him a bat’.”

“You’se can’t wash off baby-stink. Here, let me sponge off da little monster. Youse been spongin’ offa me dis last few years, ’bout time I gets a toin.”

“Don’ get over-excited by his tonger-wubbly.”

“Dat’s his wang? I can’t believe it!”

“I knows, right? I ain’t seen one dat big in dis house fer years.”

“Youse a piece a shit, youse know dat? Miserable, dried-up slag.”

“Hey! Stop callin’ me slag in fronna da fuckin’ baby! I’m his mudder!”

“Geez, did he wizz in dere?”

Mmmmm . . . aebleskivers! This one’s for the ladies. Thanks, Myk!

043 Dull And Boring

Ah, the romance of riding the rails! Whether it’s losing a foot while attempting to hop a flatcar or taking a friendly truncheon from a bull, nothing beats the freedom of America’s rail system. High-speed rail? Who’s in that kind of hurry? Ho-Bo, Ho-Bo, a transient’s life for me! And what better time is there to listen to a podcast on the mp3 player that little girl dropped while running in fear than when you’re watching the country side roll by from an open boxcar door. So steal that sleeping guy’s coat, roll him off into the ravine, open up that cold can of chili you nicked from the convenience store, and settle in for a life-affirming hour of What Could Go Wrong? It’s what freedom-loving Americans do!


Last week we had a bad movie from L.A. Law alum Corbin Bernsen, so this week Luka follows that with another member of that previously distinguished cast playing a nutter health professional. Larry Drake is Dr. Giggles (1992), who’s not a real doctor, but he plays one in your house. There’s nothing like a homicidal freak escaping from the loony bin with a doctor’s bag and a white coat to spice up an otherwise drab weekend. The maniacal faux-doc slashes his way through a small town’s inventory of loose-moral teens with Freddy-esque wise cracks and various medical implements. But as charming as that all sounds, it only rates a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie rating from our Luka, who’s Canadian and has higher expectations for health care professionals.

In 1895, a somewhat terrible train crash took place at Gare Montparnasse in Paris, France. Of the 131 passengers, only two were injured. A woman in the street below was struck dead by falling wreckage! The accident took place due to a faulty break and human incompetence. On the plus side, it makes for a rather impressive photo!

Do you enjoy staring at an easily amused child, an array of toy trains, and a cast of hideous marionettes? Most certainly you do! You shall have a wonderful time with this week’s short; The Wonderful World Of Trains (1960)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are trains useful and fascinating, but they can offer you important life advice. FRIEND! Please read this postcard and spiritually profit from its wisdom!

040 There’s Wonder Everywhere

Our podcast went unexpectedly dead for a week, but here we are, resurrected. And does anyone buy us lilys? Are delightful, mythic forrest creatures hiding painted eggs for undeserving children in our honor? Hellz no! We’re amazed you noticed. Hey, nobody’s asking for the retooling of ancient pagan holidays, but a little attention maybe? Jesus come back from the dead and He gets contatas and a huge boost in church attendence. What do we get? Half-price “Day After Easter” candy, if we can beat the other cheepos to the Target. Either life-after-death isn’t fair, or that Messiah guy has one hell of an agent.

These last two weeks had so much earth-shaking news going on that we just had to ignore all of it. Instead, as we recouperated by drinking various juice admixtures, we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box. As it turns out, it was a pretty good time to have our eyes glued to the boob tube. We let you know all that has ended, all that has begun and all that is continuing in our weekly television consumption. We sure are able to watch a lot of TV for a household that doesn’t have cable. Funny that.

In 1976, Mick and Geri got together. No, not Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. You’re thinking of 1977 and the proper spelling of “Jerry”. The Mick we’re talking about is a nebbish with an antique hobby and our Geri is the town bicycle with a nebbish-fetish. These two winners go back to Geri’s hometown to bump uglies which turns out to be a mistake because the town’s earthworm population has been electrified! No, this doesn’t turn into an adult-video parody of “How To Eat Fried Worms”, because for some reason electricity empowers earthworms (the old EEE principal). Super-wriggling worms are mass-attacking innocent hillbillies, leaving nothing behind but skeletons that can be sold to pawn shops for cash money. Hooray! And if wormageddon wasn’t enough to ruin the young lovers’ date, Roger, who has a hankerin’ for Geri’s various wormholes, just happens to own a worm farm with 100,000 worms! Oooo-whee, it’s a muddy, slimey love triangle in the heart of inbred, redneck stereotype America! How’s it going to turn out? Well, you can either subject yourself to watching Squirm, or listen to Luka’s Bad Movie Review of this Unintentionally Bad Awful Movie. Or you can go eat worms for all we care.

Here’s a police artist sketch of the Shirime, taken from an “eye-witness” account.

The Snakehead fish (a.k.a. the fish from hell) is currently plaguing Maryland’s ecosystem. The state is offering $200 gift cards to anyone who can kill one of these monsters that can survive up to four days on land and has teeth that can bite through a steel-toe boot. One fisherman, who caught seven of them, said he had to finish them off with his gun. And people are making horror movies about earthworms!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: maybe you fancy-pants yankees have some meager rabbit hiding your holiday eggs, but not ’round these parts. Around here, we got us the Easter Jackalope!

Hey, what are friends, anyway? Is it good to have friends? Can classmates be friends? Can a little girl be a friend? Can and old man be a friend? Can the little girl and the old man be friends, too? Wait, what? Please enjoy this week’s educational short; The Fun of Making Friends (1950)!

. . . and for some reason, Guam.