077 That Feels Good

It’s true that 45% of Americans believe in ghosts and 77% believe in angels. The majority of Americans (almost 70%) are ready to accept the idea of Climate Change, but even more have accepted that you can’t go swimming after eating and you need to check your kid’s Halloween candy for razor blades. And nobody around here accepts the metric system. News flash: you do NOT lose the majority of body heat through your head! Swallowed gum does NOT stay in your stomach for seven years! The “Five Second Rule” is bullshit, so stop eating off the floor, ya slob! It’s embarrassing some of the garbage we believe all because some joker told us something stupid and we didn’t have the spine to say, “Sez who?” Maybe there’s hope in the fact that every kid now has a mobile device with access to Google. Perhaps there will come a day when religion and bigotry will be replaced by crowd-sourcing. But until that day comes, be very careful who you trust when it comes to the dissemination of truth. We’ll never lie to you. We’ll never tell you that a camel stores water in its hump or that men have one rib fewer than women. We’re all about the truth around here, and if you’re going to believe something, believe in us . . . the podcast called What Could Go Wrong? Or not.

We told you all about Kai, the heroic hatchet-weilding hitch-hiker that is our new King of Awesome. But you really need to hear him tell the story in his own fuckin’ words, yo.

And now that you’ve heard the story, hear it again through the magic of auto-tune! (By the way, you can now buy this kooked out jam on iTunes!)

The Cookie Monster has returned the Golden Biscuit. No, this isn’t a children’s book. What we want to know is, how the blazes did he get it up there on that horse without anyone seeing?

Duff Goldman out classes all local pastery chefs, both with his amazing talent, and with his humanity.

Party In My Pants is a place where you can buy artistic, designer menstrual pads. Before you scoff, give it a look!

A well-groomed doctor lectures a sore loser and his fussbudget mother that his sister’s illness is all due to psychosomatic bullshit. And for this, he made a house call. Watch Attitudes and Health (1949) and find out how being a whiney little bitch is a medical condition.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Not only are we sad, but we’re pretty freakin’ passive-agressive. What, did my MOM design this card!?! Church and Guilt, hand in glove . . . Momma would be so proud.

040 There’s Wonder Everywhere

Our podcast went unexpectedly dead for a week, but here we are, resurrected. And does anyone buy us lilys? Are delightful, mythic forrest creatures hiding painted eggs for undeserving children in our honor? Hellz no! We’re amazed you noticed. Hey, nobody’s asking for the retooling of ancient pagan holidays, but a little attention maybe? Jesus come back from the dead and He gets contatas and a huge boost in church attendence. What do we get? Half-price “Day After Easter” candy, if we can beat the other cheepos to the Target. Either life-after-death isn’t fair, or that Messiah guy has one hell of an agent.

These last two weeks had so much earth-shaking news going on that we just had to ignore all of it. Instead, as we recouperated by drinking various juice admixtures, we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box. As it turns out, it was a pretty good time to have our eyes glued to the boob tube. We let you know all that has ended, all that has begun and all that is continuing in our weekly television consumption. We sure are able to watch a lot of TV for a household that doesn’t have cable. Funny that.

In 1976, Mick and Geri got together. No, not Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. You’re thinking of 1977 and the proper spelling of “Jerry”. The Mick we’re talking about is a nebbish with an antique hobby and our Geri is the town bicycle with a nebbish-fetish. These two winners go back to Geri’s hometown to bump uglies which turns out to be a mistake because the town’s earthworm population has been electrified! No, this doesn’t turn into an adult-video parody of “How To Eat Fried Worms”, because for some reason electricity empowers earthworms (the old EEE principal). Super-wriggling worms are mass-attacking innocent hillbillies, leaving nothing behind but skeletons that can be sold to pawn shops for cash money. Hooray! And if wormageddon wasn’t enough to ruin the young lovers’ date, Roger, who has a hankerin’ for Geri’s various wormholes, just happens to own a worm farm with 100,000 worms! Oooo-whee, it’s a muddy, slimey love triangle in the heart of inbred, redneck stereotype America! How’s it going to turn out? Well, you can either subject yourself to watching Squirm, or listen to Luka’s Bad Movie Review of this Unintentionally Bad Awful Movie. Or you can go eat worms for all we care.

Here’s a police artist sketch of the Shirime, taken from an “eye-witness” account.

The Snakehead fish (a.k.a. the fish from hell) is currently plaguing Maryland’s ecosystem. The state is offering $200 gift cards to anyone who can kill one of these monsters that can survive up to four days on land and has teeth that can bite through a steel-toe boot. One fisherman, who caught seven of them, said he had to finish them off with his gun. And people are making horror movies about earthworms!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: maybe you fancy-pants yankees have some meager rabbit hiding your holiday eggs, but not ’round these parts. Around here, we got us the Easter Jackalope!

Hey, what are friends, anyway? Is it good to have friends? Can classmates be friends? Can a little girl be a friend? Can and old man be a friend? Can the little girl and the old man be friends, too? Wait, what? Please enjoy this week’s educational short; The Fun of Making Friends (1950)!

. . . and for some reason, Guam.