045 Double Punch Wednesday

“So, what did you do on your vacation?” Every time you drag your ass back to work after a week off, that’s the question you get. It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone didn’t feel free to judge you by your answer. If you tell them you just stayed home all week and sorted lint, they look at you with pity for a moment, say “Oh, that’s too bad,” and walk away with a look that confirms your position of Loser in their mind. If you say instead that you’ve been on a great adventure involving distant lands, high priced assassins and mind-blowing sex, they say “Sounds fun. I took my kids to Six Flags last year and it was great! We had corndogs.” You’re almost better off being branded a loser. No matter what, nobody really wants to hear what you did while you weren’t working. The only reason they ask is because they want you to know that they’d noticed you were gone during a time when they still had to work. They want you to feel bad that you had a break from the work-a-day tedium while they continued to play the drone. If they had the chance, they wouldn’t rain on your parade, they’d shit on it. But don’t pay any attention to those killjoy trolls. When you get a vacation, savor the time. When it’s over, savor the memories. And if you happen to have a podcast, gloat like hell.

Speaking of torment in the workplace, this week’s Bad Movie Review is The Mangler (1995). Ostensibly, this is a horror movie, but it may well end up making you thankful you don’t live out your days in a grimy sweat shop. Ted Lavine mumbles and lurches through this movie as our cranky hero, often followed by his hippie brother-in-law that looks like Doug Henning after some dental work. They have to fight against a demon possessed laundry press and it’s evil master played by Robert Englund, who does a damn fine Penguin impersonation throughout the film. It seems that in order to get anywhere in life, you have to sacrifice virgins to Satanic powers. No one said a damn thing about that in my MBA program. But you can see how the blood of the unfucked can get you ahead by watching this Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Or you can just laugh at a guy beating the shit out of an icebox.

Housewives, beware! Countless women are blown up every years by washing their clothes in pans of gasoline. No, seriously. This was a real thing. Please become baffled by this week’s educational short: More Dangerous Than Dynamite (1941).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s the postcard I’d have sent to my mother if I’d had a stamp. Seriously. I didn’t have one. Shucks.

Bonus postcard! One of the many beauties I picked up when Luka and I raided the antique stores. Complete with 1907 postmark and inane good wishes. Classic shit like this beats texting any day.

021 Stabbing Your Boots With a Hunting Knife

Thanks to Daylight Savings, we had a whole extra hour to podcast this week. Unfortunately, we frittered that hour away making reckless love and quoting poetry. Or not. Okay, we actually sat staring at each other slowly counting to 60, 60 times in a row. The first one to yawn has to clean the litter boxes. Do we not live life to the fullest? If you can’t account for the extra hour the powers that be granted you this weekend, just say that you spent it listening to What Could Go Wrong? Podcast #021! You know they’re going to ask, so you’d better get your story straight ahead of time.

Isn’t it amazing that when a freeway is blocked by broken pumpkins, it gets cleared in time for rush hour, but when it’s doughnuts spilled all over the road, the cops take DAYS to get things cleaned up. Priorities, man, priorities. The stupid criminals this week were pretty cooperative, all things considered. One guy got arrested already wearing a prison outfit, another dropped straight through the ceiling into the waiting arms of the police, and a third dipshit just sat around watching TV until the police showed up. Actually, he watched TV until someone cracked him on the skull, knocking the guy out cold. I wonder if the knocker used one of those legalized billy clubs they’re using in church these days. Weapons are now a viable accessory to your church wardrobe in Wisconsin, allegedly. If you’re asking “What would Jesus do?” and your answer is, “Pack heat,” it may be time to go back and read that New Testament thingee. I’m just saying. The 79 year old woman in Berlin knew the right, moral thing to do when she was handed a bag full of cash instead of cold cuts. Too bad the other Berliner (isn’t that a doughnut?) couldn’t tell the difference between art and a stain on the ground. And we learn that vengeance just isn’t worth it when a sandwich maker tries to get back at a cop by tossing pubes onto his egg sandwich. Mmmmmm, pubey. Good thing he didn’t try that stunt around those mixed martial artists from Eugene, because they would have put the hurt on the jerk faster than he could slice a bagel. Allegedly.

It seems like Stephen King can’t write anything anymore without somebody trying to make a movie out of it, even if it’s a short story. The movie 1408 (2007) gives the original story more padding than an over-stuffed hotel pillow. John Cusack stumbles slack-jawed all over a haunted hotel room, gets abused by moving pictures and pleasant phone voices, and gets into the most violent, knock-down, drag-out fight ever waged against a mini-fridge. Will he survive a night in a room with a will of its own, especially considering it has access to his credit card number? Luka gives it a rating of a Good Unintentional Bad Movie for this week’s Bad Movie Review.

As we all know, our feet are two of the most under-appreciated parts our body has. It’s important to take care of them. With this in mind, Skullard abandons the silliness for once and delivers a heart-felt public service announcement on the importance of proper footwear. Sure, the podcast is supposed to be about laughing and having fun, but taking care of your feet and ankles is no laughing matter. So please, for the good of your feet and overall well-being, please take Skullard’s humble words to heart. Your tootsies will thank you.

And we finish up this episode with a double Random Encounter. Really? Double!?! What, is it your birthday or something? Look at you, making out like a bandit. Way to go, bud! You should get out there and buy a lotto ticket while you’re on a roll like this. Seriously. Just consider throwing a little of those winnings our way, since we gave you the idea. Go ahead, live a little! What could go wrong?

Next time you decide to rob a motel, make sure there isn’t a mixed martial arts convention going on. Just sayin’.

Are you walking down the street properly? Or are you some sort of moron? Find out in this week’s bonus educational short; The ABCs of Walking Wisely (1959)!