OVA: We Know What We Did This Summer

Well, the summer’s over. It’s time to drag your smelly carcass back to school or to work, with only the memories of your vacation to sustain you until next year. But don’t despair, dumbass! You can make yourself feel better by listening to Skullard and Luka regale you with their thrilling tales of mundane and utterly pointless adventure.

What kind of excitement can you expect? Birthday cakes made of ground meat and topped with dead mice! Quiche and inanely rambling old women with a grudge against Germany! Boomboxes plunging into birdbaths when everybody refused to dance now! Mysterious appearing and disappearing church signs! Unnecessary juice coupons! Enraging trip to the tire store while hubcaps attempt to make their escape! Posters at the Post Office! Endlessly shrieking children at Walmart! Quarters inserting themselves into Luka’s butt-crack and then later disguising themselves as batteries! Killer wasps loose in the bathroom! Weenie boogers!

During our trip to the antique store, Luka became charmed with an old sign reading “SPRATT’S CAT FOOD: Puts Pussy In Fine Form“. It comes in packets! They also make dog food and some kind of powder for canaries. Delicious!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection; Our newest find is a funny little card sent back in 1921, from a young lady in Wolfville to her friend in college. It reads “Hello you sweet little bunch of sour grapes! Have they done this to you yet? I got your dejected and mournful puppy dog and was pleased to see him but I’m afraid he won’t be cheered up very soon or Lucy’s essay will never be typed. Congratylations Miss Fash on getting your Literary A. The tavern is an awful touch without you. Jean and I had to go up to it last night and rouse a little life in it. La la old thing – give my love to the rest of the gang! And if you’d drop another line perhaps you’d get a bigger bit. -Marion”

045 Double Punch Wednesday

“So, what did you do on your vacation?” Every time you drag your ass back to work after a week off, that’s the question you get. It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone didn’t feel free to judge you by your answer. If you tell them you just stayed home all week and sorted lint, they look at you with pity for a moment, say “Oh, that’s too bad,” and walk away with a look that confirms your position of Loser in their mind. If you say instead that you’ve been on a great adventure involving distant lands, high priced assassins and mind-blowing sex, they say “Sounds fun. I took my kids to Six Flags last year and it was great! We had corndogs.” You’re almost better off being branded a loser. No matter what, nobody really wants to hear what you did while you weren’t working. The only reason they ask is because they want you to know that they’d noticed you were gone during a time when they still had to work. They want you to feel bad that you had a break from the work-a-day tedium while they continued to play the drone. If they had the chance, they wouldn’t rain on your parade, they’d shit on it. But don’t pay any attention to those killjoy trolls. When you get a vacation, savor the time. When it’s over, savor the memories. And if you happen to have a podcast, gloat like hell.

Speaking of torment in the workplace, this week’s Bad Movie Review is The Mangler (1995). Ostensibly, this is a horror movie, but it may well end up making you thankful you don’t live out your days in a grimy sweat shop. Ted Lavine mumbles and lurches through this movie as our cranky hero, often followed by his hippie brother-in-law that looks like Doug Henning after some dental work. They have to fight against a demon possessed laundry press and it’s evil master played by Robert Englund, who does a damn fine Penguin impersonation throughout the film. It seems that in order to get anywhere in life, you have to sacrifice virgins to Satanic powers. No one said a damn thing about that in my MBA program. But you can see how the blood of the unfucked can get you ahead by watching this Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Or you can just laugh at a guy beating the shit out of an icebox.

Housewives, beware! Countless women are blown up every years by washing their clothes in pans of gasoline. No, seriously. This was a real thing. Please become baffled by this week’s educational short: More Dangerous Than Dynamite (1941).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s the postcard I’d have sent to my mother if I’d had a stamp. Seriously. I didn’t have one. Shucks.

Bonus postcard! One of the many beauties I picked up when Luka and I raided the antique stores. Complete with 1907 postmark and inane good wishes. Classic shit like this beats texting any day.

022 A Shelf For My Shame

In this, our 22nd episode, we throw caution to the wind which promptly blows it back into our face so that’s the last time we do that. Lesson learned! From here on we’ll be more careful about the things we throw and what we throw them into. For example, we’ll avoid throwing parties at kids with birthdays, throwing fits at epilectics, throwing monkey wrenches into the works or throwing our backs out with the baby and that filthy water the little brat left behind. We reserve the right, however, to throw Mama from the train because we believe in public service. And we happily throw ourselves into this week’s podcast hoping someone will just as happily throw us a rope so we can climb back out again. Will you be our little helper? C’mon, man, throw us a bone.

The Poopcycle has completed its journey! Huzzah! You know how you can tell when the Poopcycle has been through your town? Just take a good sniff, my friend. But biogas tricycles aren’t the only thing on the highways. Daredevil crooks are heisting trucks at high speeds and Good Samaratans are having heart failure. Guys are punching dogs, biting like dogs, and hiding in piles of leaves like craven mutts. Cats didn’t distinguish themselves any better this week as one poor feline spent three days atop a 30 foot cactus only to finally jump down and stagger off into the desert, which is a dire sign indeed. More dire signs include teenagers sticking up other kids for their Halloween candy, Santa Claus getting laid off by budget cuts, and a man who “makes friends” for himself with mummified corpes and blonde wigs. Feel free to shudder. But there are still heroes in the world. Jay Wornick lost 198 pounds in ten months, proving that you can change your life if you are determined. Way to go, Jay! We don’t even know you, dude, but we’re proud of you.

This week’s Bad Movie Review comes from 1973, long before Saw made hacking off a limb trendy. The Severed Arm tells the tale of a group of jerk-ass miners who get stuck in a cave in. After a week of sitting around, chewing the fat, maybe it’s time to nibble on a little lean for a change. They hack off a buddy’s arm, pass the salt and tuck in, but no sooner are they flossing their friend from between their incisors when the rescuers arrive. Turns out, Lefty is bit pissed after that, and he swears revenge. What follows is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie full of revenge against former coworkers, which for once doesn’t involve a postal employee.

Ever wonder what Skullard does for a hobby? Really? You’re that bored? Anyway, it turns out he collects postcards and various resentments towards his mother, only one of which he keeps in a box. The other goes into a Mary Englebricht tin.

Hero of the Week: Jay Wornick – Before and after. Yes, it can be done.

Though most of our listeners are sad, lonely weirdos, there is a possibility that one of you will someday go on a date. But wait! What the hell should a person do on a date? Ride a bike? Dance in barn? Pull some taffy? Decorate a fucking room? For more excellent suggestions such as this, please observe this week’s educational short; What To Do On A Date (1950).

New Feature! Here’s a postcard from Skullard’s collection: How long will Bent Billy wait?