035 Your Mom’s The Sixteenth Hole

We like to say that we’re “spitting in the eye of a spiteful universe”. In order to do that though, you really have to hock up one hell of a loog. But that’s who we are and that’s how much we care. Here at What Could Go Wrong?, we give a spit. And since we know you’re all salivating for this episode, here’s the write-up!

Cripes, we went off this week. Are you a serious Star Wars fan? Then you won’t be one of ours after this episode. Luka makes it pretty clear how she feels about the classic space epic and its whore-daddy George Lucas. And Skullard lets you in on his contempt for Valentine’s Day and all who require a calendar to be sweet to their spouse once a year. In between those mini-rants, hatred towards our neighbors, animosity toward those who would curtail our freedom to swear like sailors, and some brilliantly misheard lyrics, we actually got a few news stories in. Another truck spilled crap all over the road, which we always love. A judge sentenced a husband to take his wife on a date, which by default sentences the poor wife to go on a date with her asshole husband. Perhaps he’ll take her to the sewage treatment plant, which we hear is the happening place to take your sweetheart this year. A golfer gets scolded by his mother for swearing, and a singer returns from the dead using the “Zombie Cave Escape Gambit.”

The movie this week isn’t actually a bad movie, which is curious since it’s getting a Bad Movie Review. In 2007’s Teeth, a sweet, young girl named Dawn has the worst luck with boys ever. Every guy in the movie, with the exception of her dad thankfully, rapes her. As it turns out, each of the assholes have pretty poor luck themselves, because poor Dawn has vagina dentata, which is a Latin term for the worst case of snapping pussy you’ve ever seen. Luka rates this a Great Intentionally Bad Movie, and Skullard rates it a bad date movie and a boner-killer. We over-analyze and deconstruct the hell out of this one, maybe because doing so takes some of the sting out of it.

Don’t forget to jump on over to our Facebook page on Valentine’s Day to see our special animated Valentine’s Greeting to you, our listeners . . . who we love . . . somewhat . . . perhaps.

Here’s some old footage of last year’s Hole Digging Competition from Japan. It’s a pointless sport, but then again, what sport isn’t? And these people are having fun. As Luka says, “Beats Nascar”.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Tami, The Transparent Woman. I saw her at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry back in the third grade. She taught me a lot, and for years served as my only sex education. If you look carefully, you’ll notice she only has ONE set of teeth.

In this week’s exciting educational short, a gang of claymation teeth learn an important lesson about dental hygiene. Please be horrified by The Munchers: A Fable (1973)!

030 Potatoes Or Inbreeding

Every day, we are judged on the language we use. If we express ourselves clearly and politely, the impression we make on others is one of intelligence and professionalism. If we’re not talking about stupid shit like pro wrestling or Rick Santorum, that is. But if we use naughty words and terms like “stupid shit”, we will be judged as dunderheads and degenerates by people who lack the vocabulary to call us fuck-wads and ass-munchers. Pity those poor, judgmental fart-huffing jizz-guzzlers for lacking the power to truly express themselves. Dumb bastards.

This week’s news had a heaping helping of daredevils and do-ers of dangerous deeds. Whether it’s bungee jumping into a croc-infested river, escaping prison, rescuing venomous snakes from a burning barn, or driving a potato truck, these thrill-seekers bravely risk life and limb for our eventual amusement. Thanks suckers! We also had our fair share of sneaks and villains, like the fake moustache bandit, the yearbook skank and her opportunistic mother, and the case of the missing viscera. But what really stands out this week are all the stories of magic: the Pie Fairy retires, a lonely car parks itself in a strange garage, and a roaming wizard gives an old woman a handful of magic seeds. Of course he did. What could go wrong?

Luka’s Bad Movie Review this week is Dolls from 1987. This Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie made quite the mark in its day, traumatizing young viewers for years and causing many a bed sheet to take an extra trip through the laundry. Sadly, you have to be under twelve and of poor bladder control to be actually scared by this quasi-horror mishap. Evil step-parents and punk rock sluts get their just desserts at the little plastic hands of homicidal dolls that won’t stop attacking you no matter how long you hold them to your throat. But the killer toys don’t attack the sweet little girl or the awkwardly nice pedo guy. The requisite happy ending, so sugary sweet that diabetics are encouraged not to watch, sets up nicely for a sequel that never arrived. And this was in the late 80’s when everything had a sequel. That, more than Luka’s review, should tell you just how bad this movie truly is.

Skullard breaks out another Song I No Longer Sing, and true to form, he shows how glaringly out of practice he is. He’s so out of practice, he didn’t even know his guitar had a built-in tuner. “The Nice Comedian” song used to be an opener for his act, but the best reaction to it he ever got was from his mother. Ah, church ladies . . . they’re so easy to impress.

Twenty tons of herring appear on a beach in Norway . . . then disappear! Sign of the End Times, or was that dog in the picture really hungry? You make the call!

Sydney Spies and her mother couldn’t see why this picture was deemed “too sexy” for the school yearbook. Neither can Skullard, because porn has taught him that all high school girls who want better grades look like this. What’s the big deal?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: That kid in Idaho Falls covered the whole road when he spilled his truckload of potatoes. If he’d been hauling this mama around, he could have flattened a Prius or two.

In this week’s educational short, a little girl avoids the plague by following a set of obsessive-compulsive hygiene rules. Please enjoy Joan Avoids a Cold (1947)!