057 Without Umbrella

With this installment of What Could Go Wrong?, we now have as many episodes as Heinz has varieties, which to us is significant. More significant, though, is the fact that you can still go back and listen to past episodes and sample their savory goodness, whereas with a certain condiment manufactuer, you can try the ketchup, mustard, some kind of steaky-saucey stuff, and then what? Where are the other 54 varieties Heinz? What have you done with them? Are they secreted away in shame, shambling about a cellar somewhere like some Boo Radley sandwich spread? Or are they kept out of the hands of the general public, reserved only for the flavorful enjoyment of the wealthy elite? What, are some of these condiments tailor made for the enhancement of certain endangered species a la The Freshman? Is that it? Are you merely using the majority of your condiments to curry favor with your friends in the one percent Heinz? How dare you! We common folk should have the same opportunities to dip our fries in your foie gras kicker paste or squirt Grey Wolf Poupon onto our hot dogs from a squeeze bottle as those hoity-toidy bastards at your country club/inner circle/coven/baby-eatery. And what condiment goes best with braised baby? I bet you know, don’t you Heinz? Although, wouldn’t that be funny if it turned out to be just mustard?

This week’s Bad Movie Review scrutinizes one of William Castle’s lesser-known but better acted gimmick films Homicidal (1961). It kicks off with a weird seduction of a bell-boy, a murder of a Justice of the Peace and a high-speed car chase sort of. You think, “Wow, this movie’s all action packed!” But then it settles down into some mere elder abuse (always entertaining) and the vandalism of a flower shop where the flowers never did nuthin ta nobody. Slick guys with goofy teeth and crazy blondes with sharp knives can’t be trusted, but how can we be expected to take the word of a woman named “Merriam Webster” fer chissakes? Luckily, this film gives you a chance to bail if you can’t take the mental pressure any longer. But be warned: if you take advantage of the “Fright Break”, you’ll miss the sight of granny going bowling! According to Luka, this is a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie with a shock-ingu twist that even Skullard didn’t see coming because he was tired.

Ya wanna see the big spoiler from Homicidal? Click right here, and get yourself out of the “Coward’s Corner”.

The True-to-life Walter White lacks quite a bit of Bryan Cranston’s charm. And facial symmetry. And apparently hygiene.

Grimm is back! We’re thrilled! Wanna catch up for Season Two? Here’s Season One in a nice little nutshell.

We also talked this week about an ultra-voilent, hyper-kenetic comedy from IFC called Bullet in the Face. Here’s a taste:

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Hey, everyone! Don’t you want to live together safely and happily in social harmony? Then you’d better shut up and form a civic association! Please learn how by viewing this week’s educational short: Law and Social Controls (1949)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Maison Marcel – Serving the most disciminating woman in the Nation’s Capital for half a century. Widest collection of real hair wigs, custom-made and ready-to-wear. Internationally renowned staff of creative hairstylists.” “It’s my favorite wig!” – Warren

Skullard took this picture on a dirt road on his delivery route. In the back woods, the bears and moose need to be warned.

039 Slug Off

This may well go down in the archives as “The Infectious Episode”. We started off the show with Skullard being all croaky and phlegm-infused, and by the time we wrap it all up, he’s in dire need of a vaporizer and a towel over his head. As it turns out, podcasting is all we got done that day as our plague-ridden Skullard passed out on the tiles afterwards, a viscous pool of snot spreading from his over-active sinuses. Gross as that was, the slippery nasal discharge made it easier for Luka to drag her wretched husband to his nest for rest and restoration. By the end of the day, poor Luka was feeling the tell-tale tickle at the back of her throat signifying that her beloved had shared more with her than Cadburry Eggs, clever insights and loving glances. Both of our podcast hosts have fallen prey to the insidious bug, but you, dear listener, are safe. The common cold can’t be shared via MP3 files, and iTunes has suprisingly good virus protections set up for its users. Still, we’d be pleased if this podcast did become contagious, getting passed from listener to listener, spreading across the internet and polluting the vulnerable brains of podcast lovers everywhere. If somewhere deep in your psyche you’ve always wanted to be a Typhoid Mary or Larry, now’s your chance! Share the disease that is What Could Go Wrong? with someone you know and tolerate. Spread the infection.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review covered one of 1987’s greatest crimes against both cinema and nature: Slugs! Leaving an icky trail across countless VHS machines in the 80’s, this Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie took one of the least threatening garden pests and turned it into a menace of near Jaws-like proportions. And rather than killing off the aggressive gastropods by filling kiddie pools with beer, the protagonists decide to deal with the slimey scourge by blowing up the goddamn sewers. What Could Go Wrong?

This young lady was booted out of school for having cool hair, but was allowed back in after the ACLU reminded everyone that pink follicles are constitutionally protected. School administrators were shocked that no one cared about the color of the sticks up their butts.

Victorian Romance Emma is the perfect antidote for your Post Downton Abby Depression. Does life have no meaning now that Matthew and Mary are together? Well now you can enjoy the emotional angst all over again as the son of a merchant family falls for a common house maid. C’mon, you know you love this kinda stuff!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Amazingly, we don’t have a postcard of slugs, but here’s two snails in . . . um . . . *ahem* . . . shall we say, an intimate exercise.

In this week’s thrilling educational short, a question which has plagued mankind for centuries is finally answered. Does our diet affect our health?! Of course it does, stupid! Please enjoy Eat For Health (1954);

028 The Squashed Orange In My Pocket

Merry Christmas, podcast listeners! Happy Hanukkah! Have a wonderful Kwanzaa! And an excellent Yule! Enjoy the Winter Solstice! Have a fun Boxing Day! And a great Festivus! Also please enjoy Pepper Pot Day, Bicarbonate of Soda Day and Life Day, should you find yourself on the Wookie homeworld! Seriously. We’re not making this shit up. Even the Jedi have their own holiday now. But regardless of your holiday of choice, this episode is our seasonal gift to you. So get comfy, preferably by the crackling fire, grab your cookies and your nog (what?), and enjoy A Very Special What Could Go Wrong?

DO NOT MISS THIS! Go to our Facebook page to see a bonus, musical Christmas video starring Luka and Skullard! And “Like” us while you’re there. Why the hell not, right? We’d “Like” you, if you were us. Sure we would. Why would we lie?

Holy Christ! (we exclaim reverently) What a packed podcast we have for you! The news gets us right into the holiday spirit with reindeer, letters to Santa, displays of Christmas lights, and chicks in bikinis. Two little children write letters to the Fat Man, and their wishes come true. And what does Santa do after a job well done? He sits back and sucks on a hookah, that’s what. The Post Office delivers a package on time for Christmas, albeit the next Christmas. And a “Piece of Chillief” sends all the municipal workers in his town his Christmas wish for them to have “incredible sexual relations.” So say we all.

Jack Frost (1996) is must-see crap your holiday season, and it’s the target for this week in Luka’s Bad Movie Review. In this Intentionally Good Bad Movie, a serial killer turns into a snowman, like they do. No sooner can you say “Happy Birthday” than he rolls into a small town and exacts his revenge on the Sheriff, his family, and anyone else dumb enough to play in the snow. This is a pun-tastic kill-fest filled with the silly kind of bloodshed that makes you shake your head, roll your eyes, and laugh at the mindless slaughter. And, after a certain nude bathing scene, you’ll never look at a carrot the same way again.

Sometimes people mean to get you a present for the holidays, but something happens, and you end up empty handed. No big deal, shit happens. Sometimes people never intend to get you a present, but they want you to think that they did, so you end up empty handed with the bonus of an excuse. So what’s more insulting: the fact that they didn’t want to give you a gift, or that they think you’re so stupid that you’ll believe their bullshit. Luka unearths some classic bullshit from “friends” who would rather lie than spend a couple of bucks.

The Anime Lyrics Game returns with a special Christmas round! Will Skullard be able to tell what’s false and what’s real? Here’s a hint: he still believes in Santa.

Finally, there’s a war out there, dear listeners. It’s a war on Christmas, and everyone’s favorite holiday is at risk. Or is it? Skullard’s Ramble this week will either ease your mind or get him shot. Either way, he’s not going to be welcome back home if his mother hears this.

What Could Go Wrong? was pre-recorded in front of a live (?) studio audience.

Behold! The rusty bottlecap holiday snake of TERROR!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I’m not sure what this means, but my best guess is that it involves your father giving you directions while wearing sheepskins. All of which sounds very festive to me.

In this week’s bonus educational short, two babbling children make a wish to visit Santa’s workshop. How wonderful! Santa’s helicopter arrives and takes them to the “North Pole”, which happens to look a lot like a dingy local mall. Feast your eyes on A Visit to Santa (1963)!