Tag Archives: renegade cow

049 It’s Like My Dad Always Said

Posted on by


It’s Father’s Day, so here’s to all you sperm donors who stuck around. You didn’t have to, y’know. A lot of guys didn’t. They just deposited their legacy juice and moved on to the next town, hat tipped down, six-shooter at their side. But you did the noble thing and set aside your wanderlust and ambitions for greatness. You put down roots and stuck with that ballooning woman until she could spawn your genetic replacement. Good for you. And then, flush from that grand accomplishment, you put it to her again so that she could be replaced as well. We’re not sure if you were satisfied with zero population growth or perhaps the two of you squirted out a couple more squalling drains on the planet, but statistically you eventually figured out that the wife unit could literally be replaced with an upgraded model, one chosen on the basis of style and design rather than brand loyalty. So, you dumped your kid’s mother and took up with someone you like better, but in order to prove to the new Mrs. You that she has all the goods the old model had and more, you decide to roll the genetic dice again. Assuming you didn’t come up snake-eyes or boxcars, you got yourself a new kid to add to the brood from your last partnership, half of which are probably a bit resentful of how you treated mom and the other half just resentful because it’s fun to hate. You’re sharing kids with multiple women in multiple homes now, and that’s not even assuming that the new Mrs. You wasn’t married before herself and brought some of her own offspring into the mix. Who are these people? Are you a dad to them now too? After a while, you have to start annotating the pictures in your wallet with post-it notes to keep all the names straight. And then one of your children, a female child we’ll assume, gets preggers from some smooth-talkin’ Johnny with a winning smile, six-shooter at his side, who just moseyed on to the next town leaving the poor lass in despair on daddy’s doorstep. Good Christ, after all that, one Sunday in June is the least you deserve. It’s a day for all those DNA recipients to gather ’round you and thank you for their very existence, not that they will. But, under no circumstances, should it be a day of reflection. Don’t ask yourself what life would have been like if you hadn’t stuck around, Mr. Sperm Donor. Don’t dredge up any of those lost ambitions or dreams from pre-child days. Nothing good ever comes from asking the question, “What went wrong?”

Syrup spillage on the Buttermilk Pike overpass. This industrial accident was brought to you by Hungry Jack (TM) Syrup!

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka reaches back to 1965 for a poorly dubbed Italian job called The Bloody Pit of Horror. This old giggle-fit reinforces the message that those Italian guys really know how to treat a lady. What better place for a moderately kinky S&M photoshoot than an abandoned castle once owned by a murdering perv who called himself the Crimson Executioner? And look, there’s all these wacky torture devices left behind. And looky-looky . . . they’re still functional! In one of the most blatent displays of “What Could Go Wrong?” behavior, this group of fashion jaggoffs dress up in goofy outfits, take pictures of themselves playing with killing machines, get killed by the machines, and keep dressing up and taking more pictures. The viewer has to ask, “What the hell’s wrong with these people? Aside from the fact that their words don’t match their lip movements.” As a horror movie, perfect bodies notwithstanding, this film doesn’t do the job. But for a snarkable snort-fest with nice legs, great hair and lots of eye make-up, The Bloody Pit of Horror scores as a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Arrivederci, muthah-fuckahz.

Luka’s Bad Movie Review asks the question; what will happen when a bunch of arrogant photographers and stupid bimbo models sneak into a scary castle? MURDER! Please enjoy the poor dubbing and kinky S&M of The Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)!

Do your neighbors piss you off? Do they leave fetid pools of water and rotting garbage lying about? Are they the ones responsible for all these rats and cockroaches? Or is it YOUR fault? Please find out by viewing this week’s educational short; It Must Be The Neighbors (1966).

Alchemy Divine is not our sponsor, but an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find. Specifically, things that are not syrup related.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I remember looking at this for the first time and thinking, “Okay, is this card putting down welfare scum, or is it saying welfare scumming may be a preferable alternative to an exhausting life on the hamster wheel that goes nowhere?” Okay sure, the guy seems to have two wives, but they both seem to take great pleasure from his misery. I’m not sure where the upside is to all this.

041 That Was Totally Uncalled For

Posted on by

Today’s podcast was brought to you by Alan, the internet repair guy. In true What Could Go Wrong? fashion, just as soon as we finish the show, our internet goes kablooie. Luckily, there are guys like Alan who can climb utility poles in the pouring rain, risking life and limb so that we can continue to blather to an uncaring world and have uninterrupted access to porn. So this episode is dedicated to him, and his ability to show up on time, get right to work, and not trying to engage us in any small talk because who cares about anything he has to say? If he wants to be all chatty, let him start his own podcast. Or maybe he has friends he can talk to. That must be cool. He looked like the kind of guy who showers, so it isn’t out of the question. Good for him. Yay Alan!

This week’s Bad Movie Review takes the listener down the fetid, nasty spiral that is Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988 ). Perhaps the most frightening thing this movie has to offer is all the 80’s hair, but if feathered bangs and soft perms aren’t scary enough, there’s popcorn guns and balloon animals. Death by comedy is a sadly under-explored genre, but this film doesn’t do enough to fill that aching need inside you for killer slapstick. Instead, you get latex masks; fun in moderation, but irritating when overused. Here’s Luka’s advice about this Kinda Lousey Intentionally Bad Movie: just watch the trailer. It spoils everything, and just about all the good bits are included. Save yourself time and heartache, unless you really have a thing for clowns. Or klowns.

http://youtu.be/fHXy8DpF5k0

Beware world travelers bearing gifts . . .

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection:

Yo Steve! When you gonna join me down at OGFC?

Occupy Gus’ Fried Chicken? C’mon, bird, you know I ain’t into that.

I’m down there mic checkin’ every damn day, and I ain’t got nobody backin’ me up.

Give it up, Herschel. You need to drop that shit and find yourself some hos and get roostin’.

They’re called “hens”, Steve. Have some respect for the sisters.

Bird, you need to get laid.

Your mama laid you.

What the fu- . . . ah, shit. Yeah, that’s right. That’s deep, brother.

Word, bird.

Are you growing up? Are you facing difficult emotional setbacks, like losing a sword-fight, or seeing your boyfriend out on a date with his sister? Toward Emotional Maturity (1954) will provide you with important advice!

Behold the perfect berry. It is wonderous, and worthy of praise.

012 This Is Not What The President Intended

Posted on by

Happy Labor Day, everybody! We’re celebrating this long weekend by doing what we do any other weekend, but taking longer to do it. The more time we have, the more time we waste. Life is ours to squander, and every time you give us a listen, you let us squander a little of your precious time on this planet too. Thanks for that.

Dogs feature fairly heavily in the news this week, either saving someone or being saved. So dogs are either an asset or a liability, depending. Or they’re sidekicks for supervillians. Also, people are turning in lost wallets in cases where honesty turns out to be either an asset or a liability, depending. We’ve stories of people sticking things in their pants which they shouldn’t, naturally, and things that should be in people’s pants getting scattered all over the road for no apparent reason. And we’re very happy to give you the follow-up on Yvonne the Cow, because we know you’ve been on tenderhooks about that story. (Oops! Did I say too much?)

Our usual reviews were hijacked this week by an unexpected Netflix treasure called Alien Vs. Ninja (2010). A bad movie with many anime-like traits, we got to laughing so hard at this goofy thing that we needed to share it with you. Whether you watch it as an Intentionally Bad Good Movie or a Four Star live-action anime, it’s a lot of fun if you like dopey-looking alien costumes, martial arts in the woods, or a hot chick in really tight body armor.

The die is cast twice for a double-dose of Random Encounters, and Luka does the patriotic thing by filling you in on the historic significance of Labor Day. Always educational, that’s us.

If you like to listen to us when you’re at work, you’re a day late, buddy. No holiday for us, though. We put our podcast out there on time! We’re no slackers. Just two people with little better to do than be disembodied voices in your ears. Why would we ever want to take a day off from that?

Yvonne has stopped her wandering and turned herself in. Lonely no longer, here she is, safe and sound, with her friend Friesi.

Pullling into a gas station, the last thing you want to see is a flaming car. Here’s the aftermath:

Alien Vs. Ninja (2010) Truth in advertising – it’s got aliens, it’s got ninjas, and as an added bonus, a hot chick in tight pants!

Are you a social outcast? Have you been specifically not invited to parties? Perhaps it is due to your poor hygiene and rudeness. If only you had a Fairy Godmother to help you! Please enjoy this week’s educational short; Cindy Goes To a Party (1955)!

009 I Saw Three Marvelous Things

Posted on by


Cows are on the lam and Robo-horses are sent to capture them. Spiders stow away on a train stopped by a kitten when geese sound the alarm. None of this happened, but all of this happened (kinda) in this week’s news. One man is convicted by his fecal output while another is fired for washing in his own urine, so we have our scatalogical references covered. And, of course, someone thought dead is very much alive and a child drives a car. How could we do an episode without those?

This week’s Bad Movie Review covers 2002’s gross-out fest Cabin Fever. Nasty, nasty, nasty! If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’re looking at a pretty short review for this piece of garbage. Luckily for us, we’re not obliged to be nice.

The Random Encounter is back with an impromtu double-shot of awesome words and a movie title game. And a trip back from the grocery store delivers a surprising number of observations from Luka. (Spoiler Alert: the number is 3.)

So that’s our mean ol’ naughty number nine. With this episode we say a tearful fairwell to single digits. It’ll be a long time before we graduate to triple digits, of course, but don’t put it past us. We’re ambitious little flibbertigibbets.

Yvonne the Cow continues her desperado lifestyle – “Cloe, I’m going dark!”

This is not the California Raisins with jaundice. This is a marriage proposal. Show some respect.

Have you contracted a horrible flesh-eating virus? Are you peeing on your hands and face for cosmetic reasons? Have you gone completely mad and envisioned giant bars of soap giving you a lecture in the middle of the night? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, please observe thing week’s educational short, Soapy the Germ Fighter (1951)!