Tag Archives: book of questions

042 Things Are Under Control

Posted on by

Don’t let the title fool you. We live in a constant, churning miasma of chaos. Every routine we develop for ourselves is another blanket to crawl under in a vain attempt to hide from the unknowable darkness. Every schedule we jot down in our dayplanners or notes we write on our calendars are flimsy boards nailed over the windows as the zombie apocalypse lurches ever closer to the house. The Bible says, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” The bathroom stall says, “Shit happens”. Same diff. Control is a delusion we desperately cling to, willfully distorting our own vision in order to filter out the preponderance of evidence that existence is a balancing act in the middle of a tornado. Things do fall apart and the center can not hold. We all know that entropy tells us that nature tends from order to disorder, and all our protestations of control are laughable prayers to an unfeeling universe. But we continue to pray and plan and hope against all reasonable hope that our spider-silk constructions can weather the raging storms of random disaster. We tell ourselves that things are under control. We bind our sanity to us with a half-whispered mantra that’s half denial, half dare: “What Could Go Wrong?”

For this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka rinses and spits on The Dentist (1996). This is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie, but none of the blame goes to Corbin Bernsen who plays the title character. Corbin does a great job acting the wakkaloon as Dr. Alan Feinstone, a dentist who pops his crown when he catches his wife doing something other than oral surgery to the pool boy. That’s not a flouride treatment he’s giving her. The realization that someone else is filling his wife’s cavity is enough to send the drill-happy dentist on an open-wide killing spree. If you’re the type of person who has anxiety about seeing your local dental professional, this movie isn’t for you. But if you like a good torture porn flick that drills down to the nerve, this piece of garbage still isn’t for you. It’s a bad movie, good lead actor or no. What the hell did you expect? It’s a Bad Movie Review, for chrissakes.

Say “Hi” to roly-poly Gnome, a fat nyan who would love to have you as a friend . . . a good, close friend. A friend that might help him with his stinky backside problem.

Skullard was one of the fortunate ones. He had to fill out a form just in case a “My Loved One Perished In The Rock-O-Taco Crunch-Off!” needed to be sent to Luka.

Why are you staying awake all night, stupid? Don’t you realize that sleeping is good for you? Please observe Sleep For Health (1950);

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Numar Professional Equipment Co. / Model R-300-OS. It’s the latest word in both comfort and restraining the patient so you can smother her with a towel. That’ll keep her still when the novacaine wears off.

What should you do when you’re finished listening to the podcast? Here’s an idea!

041 That Was Totally Uncalled For

Posted on by

Today’s podcast was brought to you by Alan, the internet repair guy. In true What Could Go Wrong? fashion, just as soon as we finish the show, our internet goes kablooie. Luckily, there are guys like Alan who can climb utility poles in the pouring rain, risking life and limb so that we can continue to blather to an uncaring world and have uninterrupted access to porn. So this episode is dedicated to him, and his ability to show up on time, get right to work, and not trying to engage us in any small talk because who cares about anything he has to say? If he wants to be all chatty, let him start his own podcast. Or maybe he has friends he can talk to. That must be cool. He looked like the kind of guy who showers, so it isn’t out of the question. Good for him. Yay Alan!

This week’s Bad Movie Review takes the listener down the fetid, nasty spiral that is Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988 ). Perhaps the most frightening thing this movie has to offer is all the 80’s hair, but if feathered bangs and soft perms aren’t scary enough, there’s popcorn guns and balloon animals. Death by comedy is a sadly under-explored genre, but this film doesn’t do enough to fill that aching need inside you for killer slapstick. Instead, you get latex masks; fun in moderation, but irritating when overused. Here’s Luka’s advice about this Kinda Lousey Intentionally Bad Movie: just watch the trailer. It spoils everything, and just about all the good bits are included. Save yourself time and heartache, unless you really have a thing for clowns. Or klowns.

http://youtu.be/fHXy8DpF5k0

Beware world travelers bearing gifts . . .

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection:

Yo Steve! When you gonna join me down at OGFC?

Occupy Gus’ Fried Chicken? C’mon, bird, you know I ain’t into that.

I’m down there mic checkin’ every damn day, and I ain’t got nobody backin’ me up.

Give it up, Herschel. You need to drop that shit and find yourself some hos and get roostin’.

They’re called “hens”, Steve. Have some respect for the sisters.

Bird, you need to get laid.

Your mama laid you.

What the fu- . . . ah, shit. Yeah, that’s right. That’s deep, brother.

Word, bird.

Are you growing up? Are you facing difficult emotional setbacks, like losing a sword-fight, or seeing your boyfriend out on a date with his sister? Toward Emotional Maturity (1954) will provide you with important advice!

Behold the perfect berry. It is wonderous, and worthy of praise.

036 We Did Get To Meat The Rabbits

Posted on by

It’s episode 36! Do you realize how significant that number is? 36 is not only a square number, it’s triangular. Look it up! In fact, it’s the smallest number other than 1 that’s both square and triangular. The next number like that is 1225, but that one’s just odd. And is 1225 an Abundant Number or a 13-gonal Number? Hellz no, but 36 is both! Holy flippin’ hoo-ha! And get this: 36 is the smallest integer which can be expressed as the sum of consecutive primes in 2 ways! Don’t believe us? Try 5 + 7 + 11 + 13 and 17 + 19. That’s right, add it up, bitch. And let’s not forget that both the truncated cube and the truncated octahedron are Archimedean Solids with 36 edges. That’s right, geometric shit! And for all of you chem-heads out there, let’s give it up for Krypton which not only has an atomic number of 36, but also gave us Superman before it exploded. So yeah, we now have just as many episodes of What Could Go Wrong? as Chinese dragons have scales that are both yang and malign. We’ve no idea what any of that shit means, but it sure impresses the hell out of us. Considering how significant the number 36 is, you’d think this was a super-significant episode, right? Nah, it’s just long.

What can be said about Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)? How about, “Avoid at all cost!” Luka really took one for the team with this one. This barely qualifies as a film, much less a Bad Movie for Review. The Geneva Convention won’t even allow you to show this movie to prisoners. You have Nintendo level CGI mixed with jump-cut dialogue from actors who act almost as well as they dance and they dance like white people! Go ahead and watch the clips below. Yeah, those are highlights. But in all fairness, no other movie has done as much for coat hangers since Mommie Dearest (1981).

Even though there was no time for it, the die was rolled and we indulged in another Random Encounter. We dove back into The Book of Questions and bathed in the deep ethical quandries hidden within. Then we had to take a shower.

Here’s Rocky, the 27 pound lobster that was caught, then thrown back into the sea. Why’d they throw him back? See the kid in the picture? Turns out his parents love him. Lobsters know how to negotiate.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: here’s a handy cheat-sheet. Can’t tell if your lobster is alive or boiled? This quick reference sheet will keep you from looking stupid.

Do you dare you sneak a peek at a montage of clips from Birdemic: Shock and Terror?! BEHOLD! Actors behaving in a dramatic way!

And now it is time to BEHOLD! Actors engaging in action scenes! Oh, the thrills!!

Please become enthralled by this week’s educational short: Stop Driving Us Crazy! (1959) This exciting educational video stars Rusty – a Christian alien spy car from Mars. No fooling.

And now, a word from the Duke of Wrong: