This is our vacation week, and what did we do with all that time off? We ate at Panera Bread. “What? The Skullards didn’t eat every meal at Noodles and Co.?” Well, we still ate there as well, but we also ate at Panera Bread, where you can feast on yummy sandwiches and other people’s conversations. Listen in on our conversation and find out why we own so many wigs.
“You don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.” Damn, we thought we knew. Geez, we’ve been messing around with all this fake love all these years, thinking we were happy, just being loveless losers. We wish somebody would have told us. What other things are we completely ignorant about?
“You don’t know what happiness is until you know Jesus. You don’t know what pampering is until you’ve had a spa day. You don’t know what chocolate is until you’ve had a Godiva truffle. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You don’t know what’s gone until you’ve checked the inventory. You don’t know what drunk is until you’ve been plastered on Jaeger bombs. You don’t know Einstein’s theory of special relativity is true until you’ve observed the light rays of stars bend from the force of the sun’s gravity during a solar eclipse. You don’t know True Detective until you’ve worked out who the Yellow King is. You don’t know what porn is until you’ve watched All Natural Nurses 3. You don’t know how a book ends until you’ve read it. You don’t know what taking an interest in others is until you work for the NSA. You don’t know trivia games until you’ve played YOU DON’T KNOW JACK. You don’t know what other people think of you until you’re dead, and then you find out they never really thought about you much at all. You don’t know what to eat until you’ve seen the menu. You don’t know true pain until you let me show you. You don’t know what true poverty is until we swap your life with a rag-picker in Calcutta that we’ve had our eye on.”
We do know what true self-importance is because we’ve talked to parents of children.
Belial, the more charismatic of the two brothers from Basket Case, gets on his dancing shoes (after a fashion) and shows you his moves. He’s only seventeen!
Employers beware; your workers may be nursing a grudge against you. Why don’t you all sit down together and talk it out before somebody gets mad and complains to the union? Learn your lesson by watching The Hidden Grievance (1957)!
From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Someday, Trudy, you’ll have a bun like this in your little oven, and then you’ll be a real woman.”
“Aw, but I wanted to be an Olympic shot-putter when I grew up.”