158 Miami Connection

009 I Saw Three Marvelous Things

Miami Connection is a film like no other. Rarely does Luka say, “You must see this movie!” Considering the films she usually reviews, that would make her a cruel taskmaster and the lowest form of scum. But this film is worth the watch, so we’re hoping you’ll use this link to go to Drafthouse Films and either rent or buy it. Do it for Jim.

We have no excuse. We geeked out hard on Miami Connection. Can you blame us? Just feast on the pure 80’s goodness of it all.

Y.K. Kim is Luka’s new heart-throb. Just watch how he de-escalates a volatile situation with very little English and stiff arm movements.

We also talked about the movie’s original, darker ending. “Peas! Don’t die, peas! You need to see your fahdor! Peas!” “Stop spitting in his face, dude, he’s dying!”

This is the song that made Skullard do a spit-take. How dare that other band accuse Dragon Sounds of doing kid’s music? Honesty! Loyalty! We’ll be together through thick and thin!

And finally, just because it makes us smile, please enjoy this great moment in labor relations.

Behold, here be Skullard’s adolescence in all of it’s prime-time network glory. It’s tough when your fondest television memories turn out to be a bucket of suck.

Wizards and Warriors wasn’t completely without visual merit. We could watch this lady walk down stairs all day. “Dirk, is your armor puffy or are you just happy to see me?”

What would you do if two playful bear cubs came gallumping into your campground? Why, you’d probably feed them bacon, of course. Using yummy, aromatic meat treats to positively reinforce the behavior of bears returning to human territories could never cause a lick of trouble in the future, right? What Could Go Wrong, indeed! Fortunately all of the resulting bloodshed and carnage occurred in the now forbidden First Edition of Black Bear Twins (1952).

140 I’m Gonna Spank You Silly

140 I'm Gonna Spank You Silly

New Year’s greetings to you, gentle listeners. Rather than comment on how awful 2014 was or make any questionable resolutions about how we won’t skip weeks of episodes in the year to come (ahem), let us hip you to the jive of our YouTube channel. Luka’s been doing her HorrorSnark channel for some years now, building up a huge collection of the tacky, retro and bizarre. Now she’s calling it “What Could Go Wrong?”, basing the name on some show or something . . . it’s an internet thing, we think. Please do check it out (and subscribe) at the What Could Go Wrong? YouTube Channel.

He should dress ‘im up all fancy in a matching suit and pants! Aw, how roly-poly.

Looks like a “Loser” to us.

“Hey Morton, pass the salt.” Nothing shines up a brand new paint job like burying a car in road salt. We suggest parking somewhere else in the future.


Just what every little girl wants for Christmas: Dil-Doh. Seriously, no one at Hasbro said, “Wait a second . . .”

This is horrifying. A child with a encephalopathic head tries to poison his dog with common household items. Then, for some reason, it gets racist. Watch this Precious Moments child try to kill his pet in Sniffy Escapes Poisoning (1967).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “I’m gonna play with my baby bongos, have fun every day with my baby bongos . . . a bird is on that basket, not a baby in a casket so it’s not another baby corpse.”

120 Just Leave

120 Just LeaveHappy Easter. Jesus was married!?! According to recent archaeological findings, our Lord and Savior was some lady’s “Special Guy”. He was not only the Son of God, but the husband of Tracey. He had a mission to reconcile mankind to their Creator and a “Honey-Do” list. “How is it you work all week as a carpenter, but this table you promised to fix four months ago is still wobbly? And don’t think I’m going to be the one cleaning the wine stains out of the bathtub again. Just how does that happen anyway? I swear, your mother sure did a number on you. You walk around here like you’re Yaweh on earth, but you can barely keep your own feet washed. And speaking of that, who was that woman I saw you with? Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about that whore who was crying all over your feet and wiping them with her hair. What have you been up to!?! Sure, you say you’re just going out with all your loser fishing buddies, but people keep saying they see you with tax collectors and hookers. Are we in some kind of financial trouble? And what’s with all this ‘suffer the little children to come unto me’ garbage? Just how many women have you been with? Christ! Yeah, I’m talking to you, mister!” And then, on the third day, the stone was rolled away from His tomb and Jesus rose from the dead. He appeared to his disciples who were in shock and disbelief, and to them He said, “All these things I have done so that man may know salvation. But don’t tell my wife, okay? Just give me a few days to enjoy this.”

Hello Kitty is oh so happy to show you our new What Could Go Wrong? business card. Coming soon to a restaurant fish bowl near you.

Take it from Mr. Murray, the debate coach who can’t speak a sentence and a half without looking down at his notes. Ray knew how to win speech tournaments and how to almost touch Marilyn’s boobs while standing too close. But when Marilyn wins the big contest, Ray’s compassionate dad makes him feel like some little girl’s bitch. Will sour-puss Ray learn the wisdom of the words, “You can win a lot of respect and inner strength by becoming a good loser”? Or will he figure out that’s bullshit. Find out in The Good Loser (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: When the Night of the Lepus comes, it’s time to fight fire with fire. Or fur with fur, as it were.


117 A Drop Of Vengeance

117 A Drop Of Vengeance“You don’t know what true love is until you’ve had a child.” Damn, we thought we knew. Geez, we’ve been messing around with all this fake love all these years, thinking we were happy, just being loveless losers. We wish somebody would have told us. What other things are we completely ignorant about?

“You don’t know what happiness is until you know Jesus. You don’t know what pampering is until you’ve had a spa day. You don’t know what chocolate is until you’ve had a Godiva truffle. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You don’t know what’s gone until you’ve checked the inventory. You don’t know what drunk is until you’ve been plastered on Jaeger bombs. You don’t know Einstein’s theory of special relativity is true until you’ve observed the light rays of stars bend from the force of the sun’s gravity during a solar eclipse. You don’t know True Detective until you’ve worked out who the Yellow King is. You don’t know what porn is until you’ve watched All Natural Nurses 3. You don’t know how a book ends until you’ve read it. You don’t know what taking an interest in others is until you work for the NSA. You don’t know trivia games until you’ve played YOU DON’T KNOW JACK. You don’t know what other people think of you until you’re dead, and then you find out they never really thought about you much at all. You don’t know what to eat until you’ve seen the menu. You don’t know true pain until you let me show you. You don’t know what true poverty is until we swap your life with a rag-picker in Calcutta that we’ve had our eye on.”

We do know what true self-importance is because we’ve talked to parents of children.

Belial, the more charismatic of the two brothers from Basket Case, gets on his dancing shoes (after a fashion) and shows you his moves. He’s only seventeen!

Employers beware; your workers may be nursing a grudge against you. Why don’t you all sit down together and talk it out before somebody gets mad and complains to the union? Learn your lesson by watching The Hidden Grievance (1957)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Someday, Trudy, you’ll have a bun like this in your little oven, and then you’ll be a real woman.”

“Aw, but I wanted to be an Olympic shot-putter when I grew up.”

“Don’t be stupid. Now shut up and bake, wench.”

112 Best Of Luck

112 Best Of Luck It is Valentine’s Day. Expectations are very high. Whatever you attempt to do to appease your sweetheart will likely not be good enough. Fool! Why didn’t you give them something they would really enjoy, like a tube of Blowpaste, or a bacon-flavored soda? You don’t deserve love! You will die alone and afraid, just like Gumby did!!

Here it is! The great people at Blowpaste took Skullard’s jingle and made commercial magic. Share this video around to all of your fun-minded friends and visit cheekychacha.com to get some Blowpaste of your very own . . . to share, of course.

Skullard and Luka know that Valentine’s Day is not a time of romance, but a day of brutal horror! It is true. If you have any doubts, please enjoy a musical montage of gruesome cut scenes from this week’s bad movie; My Bloody Valentine (1981). Oh no! People are getting killed, eh?

It is best of avoid romance as much as you can. No good will come from it, especially if you decide to marry your high school sweetheart or that fat chick from church. Need more information? Why not watch a fantastically helpful educational short; How Do You Know It’s Love (1950)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here’s a lovely photo of Harry Warden today. He’s quick to point out that all those stories of cannibalism and murder were hooie made up by the locals to jigger up some enthusiasm for that Valentine’s shin-dig. Everybody needs a villain, right? And besides, he only really killed about five or six people in total and they were all ninnys and fat-heads. And he only ate people the one time and didn’t much care for it, most likely because one of the guys was Tony Balducci and he never much cared for Italian.

096 Suck It Up, Quit Whining And Have Fun

Why waste your Sunday morning bowing and scraping to your silly deity when you could lay about in your filthy underpants listening to What Could Go Wrong? This week Skullard and Luka blather on about many pointless topics that are sure to enchant you. Oh! Such as The Ug Couple, the Hot Guy Gas Station, A Touch of Cloth, the Virgin Mary’s birthday and three-way goat fuckery! Wow! Will the entertainment never cease? (Yes, it will. We had to eat cheese pizza and cream-filled chocolate donuts.)

Are you brimming with ungodly arrogance like Skullard and Luka? Alright then you smartass, why not try your hand at The Deck of Many Things? Perhaps you will win fabulous treasures, the likes of which you have never seen! Or maybe you’ll be cursed to an eternity of misery and disease. Whee! Uncertainty is fun!

Did we gush on enough about A Touch of Cloth? Well, have you started watching it? If not, more gushing is called for.

Remember kids: it’s no fun to fall down and get hurt all the time, and everybody will hate you! For crying out loud, haven’t you got any Skateboard Sense (1975)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: sometimes spiritual nagging comes in handy postcard form. Go to church every Sunday! Don’t forget to dress like a total prat. Be thou faithful unto death. Death, I say!

And if that wasn’t enough of a guilt trip to get your ass back to church, how about THIS? Your non-conformity makes puppies and kittens sad! You don’t want to make innocent fluffy critters weep for your lost soul… DO YOU?!

085 Corn and Cucumber

Podcast listeners, – BEHOLD! May has fucked off, and June has arrived. And with June comes several exciting things such as Doughnut Day! If that doesn’t thrill you, how about National Leave the Office Early Day? Or Worldwide Knit in Public Day? No? Well, there’s also Drive-In Movie Day, Hot Air Balloon Day or VCR Day. Plus you can yell “Fudge” at cobras for some reason. Seriously, the good times never end. Except at the end of the month, I guess. Oh well.

We know you don’t think us a couple of liars, but just in case you thought we were kidding about Lancelot Link – Secret Chimp, here’s evidence we’re not making shit up.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember everyone, it’s also National Business Etiquette Week!

069 Might As Well

According to the neighbors, What Could Go Wrong? was always a quiet, polite podcast. Never said much, just kept to themselves, never caused any trouble. Sure, they got a lot of boxes delivered, but no one paid much attention to that. And they rarely left the appartment. Coworkers said pretty much the same, only adding that sometimes WCGW seemed distracted. Looking back, some recalled a vacant, faraway gaze, often accompanied by soundless, moving lips that seemed to be speaking to someone that wasn’t there. WCGW seemed a little awkward in direct discussions and wouldn’t meet the eye. Some other podcasts called WCGW a loner, a bit of a recluse, but WCGW didn’t care what the other podcasts said or thought. WCGW had a plan. WCGW could be patient. WCGW could bide it’s time and wait for the perfect moment . . . the moment when no one suspected a thing. And then, when the rest of the cruel, uncaring world had it’s guard down What Could Go Wrong? struck, swiftly and decisively. They put out . . . ANOTHER EPISODE! Because, really, might as well, right? What could go wrong?

Here’s a fuzzy picture taken on the sly of the Maine Mall Santa of South Portland. He doesn’t allow pictures unless you pony up the $20. Nor does he allow lap sitting. As for the holiday wishes of children, we believe his quote was, “Yeah, yeah . . . whatever.” Merry fuckin’ Christmas.

Jared Gurman shot his girlfriend because she thought The Walking Dead was unrealistic. Is anyone going to take shots at us, because we think the idea of this man having a girlfriend is unrealistic?

Princess Mette-Marit of Norway: it’s always gratifying to find out that one of the “Beautiful People” is actually a beautiful person.

All the pretty Kitties wonder how Amazon gets off calling this “gift wrapping”.

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Kevin MacLeod of incompetec.com gives you some fine music to stroll by. Not “stroll by” in the sense you walk past it, but, y’know, music for strolling. Too much in a hurry to stroll? Who’s fault is that?

Are you the kind of asshole who would steal a baby Jesus and give some poor kid an American Football that she didn’t even want? Will you steal from the Salvation Army? Will you report prostitutes to the police for not blowing you long enough? Find out in this week’s enlightening educational short; Am I Trustworthy (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This week’s special guest star was God’s favorite son, Jesus. Here’s a guy who’s done it all: carpentry, social work, public speaking, health care, donkey theft, catering, sailing without a boat, exorcism, bank reform, day care, wine making, fortune telling and transfiguration. And yet he still finds the time to direct traffic for hipsters. All in all, not a bad guy.

067 Freezing

Here at What Could Go Wrong? we believe in climate change. Of more immediate importance though, at least to us, is climate control. We turn up the thermostat . . . and nothing happens. We jiggle the thermostat, still nothing. We take the casing off, fiddle with things we know not, and fuck all happens. We swear at it through chattering teeth and it just hangs there, heedless on the wall. Perhaps it’s frozen there? We know a thing or two about freezing ever since the heat went out. Not a word from the landlord; not a peep from the property managers. It’s like we’ve been left out on an ice flow, alone and forgotten. Luckily, the stove still works. Boiling water may be muggy and coat all the windows with condensation, but at least we’re not encased in ice. Oh, and soundboard’s working too, so that means we can keep ourself warm by working up a sweat over this latest episode. Hopefully by next week Demon Lord Dante studios (Demon Lord Dante?) will be habitable again. In fact, we’re sure it will! C’mon, what could go wrong? No, really . . . what?

Tormented (1960) is a great film about a rotten guy who shoves his mistress off a light house. Unfortunately for him, she comes back from her watery grave to nag him to death. That’s a helluva way to go . . . either time! This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie is one Luka has enjoyed many times. Let’s face it, the undead nattering of spurned harlots never gets old. Please enjoy this scene wherein Tom (that jerk!) takes the direct approach with Vi’s disembodied head that refuses to shut the hell up.

Don’t agree with our suggestion that Christmas is the holiday of Greed? Here’s some footage of Black Fridays past that may bolster our assertion. WARNING: this video contains disturbing images of people allowed to vote and have children.

Do the other kids invite you to their lunch table? Do you get invited to weenie roasts? Do you look well? ARE YOU POPULAR? Find out by watching this week’s Educational Short! Or don’t. What the fuck do we care? It’s not like you ever invited us to YOUR weenie roasts. We don’t even eat weenies, so who gives a shit? Think we give a crap about sitting at your lousey table? Fuck you.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Geez, everybody’s getting a head this week.

066 It’s All Gravy

As you sit around the jolly dinner table, surrounded by your loved ones, never forget – one day they will all be dead. Anyone and everyone who matters to you will be a fetid, rotting corpse, infested with maggots and crawling with worms. The flesh will fall from their decaying skeleton like the sumptuous flesh from the juicy turkey that you are about to enjoy together. Don’t kid yourself. This goes for your children, too. You may imagine a bright and beautiful future for them, but their ultimate fate is to suffer and rot, and no amount of tears or prayers will changce that. There is no heaven, no blissful reunion, no hope of repieve. There is only the certainty of the grave.

Thankskilling (2009) is quite the Lousy Intentionally Bad Movie according to Luka’s Bad Movie Review. In fact, it shouldn’t be called so much a review as a warning to the unwary veiwer. Someone might unwittingly assume that a film built around a turkey puppet that carries out a five century old Native American curse by savagely butchering unexpecting holiday diners might be a bit of a larf. Larf elsewhere, dear listeners. When parody fails, it’s never pretty.

These ragamuffins were able to get 110,000 “Likes”. Meet the future of online marketing.

It’s time for an incipid short about one of the nicest days of the year; Thanksgiving. There’s the smell of turkey and happiness in the air and all that crap. Don’t you just want to dive right in and gobble down everything in sight? But wait! What about your precious table manners? Don’t you know that being polite makes everything more fun? Please become inspired by this week’s holiday-themed educational short; Dining Together (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What, you didn’t think I had a Thanksgiving-appropriate postcard in my pile? How little you know me.