Author Archives: Skullard

087 Elemental Force of Evil

Posted on by

Girlfriends and boyfriends may come and go (and if they were boyfriends, they usually go after they come), but exes are forever. Both Skullard and Luka have had their share of lack-luster personages cluttering up their past, causing no small amount of shame and/or embarrassment when they come to mind. Don’t worry, we don’t need to check Facebook to know they’re all fat and sad now, living lives of crushing boredom without us while we frolic frequently naked and moderately care-free here in Demon Lord Dante Tower (Demon Lord Dante!?!). Let them reap the consequences of their collective folly of not prizing us as the precious treasures we are. They are dead to us. They are as the dust we kick off our shoes upon entering a finer and more beautiful world that doesn’t involve them. Fuckers.

Behold! The malevolent force of nature that has it out for you and all you hold dear! Fear it!!!

The Arrogant Worms are one of the finest musical-comedy groups of all time, and I’d like to see the wait-staff at the Olive Garden get away with this one.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Nope, we’re not out of chimps yet. It’s finally Summer, and Bobo here is going on vacation. Look at how excited he is. He’s packed up everything he needs to go see his happy chimp family. He can’t wait to get to the airport and stand in a line. Then he’ll get to stand in another line. Oh boy! And then his suitcase which is so full of stuff that it can barely close will be opened again and dug through while Bobo’s privates are scanned for weapons. And then he’ll wait some more in a room with not enough plastic chairs with a lot of grumpy people to get herded onto a big aluminum tube with poor air circulation to be treated rudely by flight staff and irritated by fat, smelly, inconsiderate assholes on every side of him. And he’s going to pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege. Yay! Bobo’s going to have such fun! Don’t you wish you could go with him?

086 Most Likely To Succeed

Posted on by

Sure, this is Father’s Day, but it’s also Fudge Day which honest people will admit to being even nearer and dearer to their self-indulgent hearts. Fudge originated at Vassar College in the 1880’s and quickly spread to other women’s colleges throughout the region because there were no vibrators yet. C’mon, you can’t have underwear pillow fights every night, right? Not long after, shops on Mackinac Island in Michigan began cooking up the squishy goodness to sell to tourists. Suddenly, there were tourist on Mackinac Island. Coincidence? In fact, some of those shops that sold fudge in the late 1900’s are still around making bliss and SHOULD CONSIDER BECOMING SPONSORS OF A CERTAIN PODCAST. For example, the Mackinac Fudge Shop wouldn’t have to spend a dime to get us to embed a link to their website from our own. Just a bit of product every so often would certainly buy our loyalty, mercenaries that we are. Of course, the same deal goes out to Alexia Potatoes as well. And if you’re offended at the level of whoredom we’re willing to sink to, perhaps you’ve never considered what a couple of cheap whores can do to improve your life. Ask yo Momma. Also, this podcast could easily be brought to you by Prunes. We don’t think most people realize just how good prunes are. Though not as good as fudge, right Mackinac Fudge Shop?

Donald Duck – NOT appropriate for children. Never was, never will be. Fucking rage-aholic spazmatron.

This guy is one persuasive bastard. You really ought to listen to this proto-geek prune enthusiast.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Another postcard . . . with chimpanzees. Here’s Bongo, the official WCGW cook whipping up our Thursday night after podcast meal. Please Alexia Potatoes . . . PLEASE save us from this fate!

085 Corn and Cucumber

Posted on by

Podcast listeners, – BEHOLD! May has fucked off, and June has arrived. And with June comes several exciting things such as Doughnut Day! If that doesn’t thrill you, how about National Leave the Office Early Day? Or Worldwide Knit in Public Day? No? Well, there’s also Drive-In Movie Day, Hot Air Balloon Day or VCR Day. Plus you can yell “Fudge” at cobras for some reason. Seriously, the good times never end. Except at the end of the month, I guess. Oh well.

We know you don’t think us a couple of liars, but just in case you thought we were kidding about Lancelot Link – Secret Chimp, here’s evidence we’re not making shit up.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember everyone, it’s also National Business Etiquette Week!

084 A Mighty Pile

Posted on by

We by a lot of TV series on DVD. TOO many. It might be one of the reasons we’re poor. And lacking in shelf space. But then again, if you’re not paying $80 minimum for cable every month, you can afford a couple of box sets when you find them. And if you can find two shows a month that are worth collecting on DVD, you’re either watching way more TV than we are or your standards are abysmal. Of course, with Netflix and Hulu you don’t really need to buy DVDs anymore because – LA LA LA LA . . . I CAN’T HEAR WHAT I’M SAYING!

Yuichiro Miura accomplishes more at age 80 than you do in your whole life. He got to the summit of Everest, looked down on the world below and yelled, “All you kids get off my lawn!”

This is the basic idea of the 3-D food printer. This may be the one invention that Luka wants to see become reality more than any other.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Behold the world headquarters of Foodstuffs International, the evil organization working tirelessly behind the scenes to keep cheap and effective food replication from becoming a reality. Plus, they’re always wizzing cheese.

083 National Failure Day

Posted on by

Not unlike Oliver Queen, What Could Go Wrong? is alive. Too bad we aren’t coming back from an island in the South China Sea to our mansion in Sparrow City and leisurely life as billionaire playboys. Nah, we’re not back from anywhere but the other room, returning to our hectic lives as the working poor. And the only arrows around this place have suction cups on the business ends. Oh Arrow, how is it you live so much better than we do? Why is it you ride motorcycles and every woman you meet has amazing tits? Why is it that your jaw is so square and chin so rugged? Why do you mother and sister both have that weird matching mole above their lip? But there is one area of life where we have the upper hand, Oliver Queen. Because of sponsored product placement, you and everyone you know, including that hot blonde hacker chick that you should totally go for, are using Microsoft tablets and PCs running Windows 8. Ha-Ha! Phooey on you, Mr. Costumed Hero, your compu-shit is shit. We may be nothing but impoverished podcasters, but at least we have Power Books and iPads! Suck on that, archer-boy!

Anyway, we’re back.

When is America going to live up to its commitments?

Just how the hell old IS Oscar anyway?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For Mother’s Day why not give the domestic goddess in your life the Gibson 6000 oven? See it here cleverly demonstrated by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

082 Too Bad

Posted on by

We’re still looking for a new place to live. The landlord has gone back into hiding. The ongoing drama has endured to the point where it’s gotten boring, kinda like The Following on Fox. So rather than continuing to dwell on day to day shit that doesn’t seem to go anywhere, we return to our tried and true format that never went anywhere either.

“Boy, I sure do like participating in MEMES. I wish I could come up with something for that wildly hilarious ‘Confession Bear’ project. Oh wait! There was that one time I got away with homicide. I’ll just put that out there on Reddit. What could go wrong?”

Aliens come down and bestow super powers on a mere mortal. Is it the Green Lantern? The Greatest American Hero? Is it Star Brand (and if you know who THAT is, you’re Mega-Ultra-Quantum Nerd o’ the Month!)? Nope, we’re talking about Guardiana – Safety Woman! No longer just a lowly freelance writer and part-time crossing guard, Guardiana protects the youth of America by teaching just how lethal your own damn house is. Let’s all give the Danger Dodger salute – AWARE! ALERT! ALIVE! – and watch “Safety: Harm Hides at Home”!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “This famous cheese was on display at the New York World’s Fair”. But of course, you already knew that. It’s famous after all. 34,591 pounds is almost enough to get stolen in Wisconsin. Those people sure are smiling big. I wonder what the photographer told them to say . . .

OVA – What’s That Sound?

Posted on by

We’re doing our best to laugh about all this, but it’s still kind of an open wound (as the continued dripping will attest to). Thanks to everyone who’s wished us well and is pulling for us. We appreciate all the positive thoughts for all the fucking good it does. No, really, thanks. We’re not kidding. It means a lot in a way, kinda.

Here’s how the drippage looked as of Saturday, March 23rd. Watch it . . . IF YOU DARE!

Behold! Skullard’s ingenuity in action! As you can see, when ol’ Skully puts his hand to a task, quality is job one.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This is actually an antique postcard that bares a 1909 postmark and half-hearted note from Ed to his Aunt May in Manchester, Iowa (and that was the extent of the address too . . . it seems all you needed in 1909 was the name of the town and the postman could take care of the rest). But I chose this postcard not so much for its historic significance as to show you the type of person I expect the landlord to eventually send to fix the leak.

081 Nyansense

Posted on by

Please shut your mouth and open your ears for this week’s podcast. You will be informed of strange news stories, bombarded with endless cat puns, treated to musical outros and told a true tale of a crazy cat lady. Sit back, fry up your plate of roadkill, turn on your pizza tracker, and enjoy What Could Go Wrong!

Hey buddy! We can see you over here! You know we can see you? Hey! Yo, buddy!

Huzzah! If we all do the chores together, we can all have fun together when we’re done! Is there anything more wonderful than Your Family (1948)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This cat is so beautiful. So sweet, and loving and beautiful. We’re never going to see him again, and it’s just breaking our hearts. We started this podcast just for him, and now he’s gone. Gone forever.

080 All Wretched And Stuff

Posted on by

March Madness has hit our podcast! Well, not really. We hate sports. We just have various mental illnesses this week and have gone absolutely bonkers! Well, not really. But we are full of bounce and true enthusiasm! Well, not really. But you will learn about the results of important scientific studies! Well, not really. Although you can hear about what a hottie Skullard is. Really!

Everyone could use a bit more Wodehouse in their lives. BBC One just did a wonderful Blandings series, much of which you could probably find on YouTube, if you were so inclined.

This is the hag Skullard saw at the grocery store. If you don’t see the hag, look again until you do.

Is it simply snow and ice or is it an impending doom. Behold Winter’s sword of Damocles.

Teenagers, beware! Drinking booze will ruin your life and blow up your brain perhaps! Don’t believe me? See the proof by watching Alcohol Is Dynamite (1958)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: who wouldn’t want to have children when they’re as precious and adorable as THIS? Oh, come on. You might as well.