OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

OVA Bloody Horrible Mess

Welcome back us. Strap in, faithful friends, because this is a long one. It’s been so long since we’d gotten our chat on, it was hard to reign ourselves in. So sit back, have a listen, then go do some stuff, come back, get comfy again, listen some more, then go do something else, then come back again, kill some zombies, find a safe place, kill some more zombies, wash, rinse, repeat.

All of Luka’s enemies eventually fall before her might. Here is the nemesis carwash being brought down, after which Luka walked over to the cleared rubble and salted the earth. Such is the fate of all who mess with the King of Gotham.
carwashgone

Ah, a classic public service announcement from the magic underwear people. Who knew a retired operatic tenor lived in that brownstone? When Skullard broke that window when he was a kid, he didn’t sing his confession to his parents – he just pointed to the puppet on his hand and said, “This guy has something he needs to confess.”

Finally, the big guy gets a little appreciation. Godzilla (still pronounced “Gojira” by those silly folks who made him up) has received full citizenship by Japanese authorities and been named a cultural ambassador. But, when you think about it, what else are you going to do? Tell him “No”?
gojira-cert

gojira-papers

Do you know Pingu? If not, you’re about to meet his grandfather. Way back in 1926 somebody sat down with some clay and went frame by frame to tell the tale of a bird spanking its kid for eating a whole fish. Ah shit, SPOILER! Oh well, there’s still enough surprises to enchant you in The Penwiper.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Wanna watch all them great (and suckie) shows that we talked about? You’re gonna need a TV to do it, so why not get y’self one of them new-fangled Hi-Brite Imperial Television Consoles? This magical media machine has a 23″ screen plus Hi-Fi and automatic record changer all in a genuine wood cabinet the approximate size and weight as a crate full surface to air missles. Available in either Eskimo or Tahitian design, so it’s guaranteed to match any d├ęcor with the lights off.
hibriteimperial

“LUKAAAAAA!! LUUUUUU-KAAAAAAA!! YOU’RE THE KING OF GOTHAM!! I KNOW IT!! LUUUUUU-KAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”
king-of-gotham

“Say Luka . . . I know you’re busy being the King and all. But I was hoping, maybe . . . a hand?”
1238967491779951503

“Him? You’re gonna cut him loose? C’mon, who’s your press agent here? Seriously?”
1238967491859410831

083 National Failure Day

Not unlike Oliver Queen, What Could Go Wrong? is alive. Too bad we aren’t coming back from an island in the South China Sea to our mansion in Sparrow City and leisurely life as billionaire playboys. Nah, we’re not back from anywhere but the other room, returning to our hectic lives as the working poor. And the only arrows around this place have suction cups on the business ends. Oh Arrow, how is it you live so much better than we do? Why is it you ride motorcycles and every woman you meet has amazing tits? Why is it that your jaw is so square and chin so rugged? Why do you mother and sister both have that weird matching mole above their lip? But there is one area of life where we have the upper hand, Oliver Queen. Because of sponsored product placement, you and everyone you know, including that hot blonde hacker chick that you should totally go for, are using Microsoft tablets and PCs running Windows 8. Ha-Ha! Phooey on you, Mr. Costumed Hero, your compu-shit is shit. We may be nothing but impoverished podcasters, but at least we have Power Books and iPads! Suck on that, archer-boy!

Anyway, we’re back.

When is America going to live up to its commitments?

Just how the hell old IS Oscar anyway?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For Mother’s Day why not give the domestic goddess in your life the Gibson 6000 oven? See it here cleverly demonstrated by Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

078 We Are Never Give Up

After a long hiatus (gawd, how I love that word!), we’re back. February was the month of things Going Wrong, but our colds have mostly run their courses and we’re ready to talk into microphones and make each other giggle. Thank you for sticking with us through our personal plague. We’re excited to get back to it, because “We Are Never Give Up!”

Black Mirror is haunting, scary, troubling and all-around amazing television. We can’t recommend this show enough. Find it. If you can watch it legally, all the better. Do what you gotta do.

Utopia is beautiful, as you would expect with a title like that. But it’s also a dark story full of conspiracy and betrayal. Again, you’re going to want to see this. Make it happen.

Remember Bjorn Wok? Skullard didn’t, even though we talked all about him back on Episode 008!

Do you feel useless, doing nothing all day but put shoes away? Well, cheer up, stupid! Your job is important! Please feel good about yourself by watching You And Your Work (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This image promoting the need for nurses in wartime has nothing really to do with anything we talked about on this week’s podcast. What we did bring up several times during the episode was blow jobs, which has nothing to do . . . with . . . yeah.

072 A Sign In The Yard

Please open your hymnals to hymn number 286: “I Surrender All”.
All to you guys I surrender,
All to you I freely give,
I will ever be what you want,
For acceptance daily live.

I surrender aaaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaaaall,
I will be just what’s expected . . . I surrender all.

All to this church I surrender,
I’ll do anything to fit,
Never mind what God has made me,
Without church I’m worthless shit,

I surrender aaaaaaaall, I surrender aaaaaaall,
Who I am inside means nothing . . . I surrender all.

Oh no! This week’s Bad Movie vividly depicts axe murders! Also chicken and hog farming! And there’s a dairy in there somewhere. And if that doesn’t scare you, learning about what a bitchy diva Joan Crawford was probably will. Luka enjoys the Good Unintenionally Bad Movie Strait-Jacket (1964)! (Please take it easy. Have a glass of milk. It’ll relax you.)

Behold the infamous Kitty-Net! Hello Kitty’s catch-phrase is, “You can never have too many friends,” and we intend to test the limits of that theory. HIDDEN PUZZLE! One of these things is not like the others. Can YOU find the hidden alien thing?


Luka is world champion of “Hello Kitty Cafe” . . . for the moment. Might as well document he #1 standing while we can.

Luka just plays HK Cafe for funzies, but make no mistake: Kitty is in it to win it!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod goes for the epic sound in this brand new offering for 2013.

Why take care of your own pet if someone else will do it for you? Why struggle with your lessons if you can get Dad to help? This is an easy way to get by. Please observe as befuddled teenagers realize just how useless they are with this week’s educational short; Developing Self-Reliance (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yes, they do mean every Sunday. You don’t want to miss a single offering, er, service. And do note the “faithful unto death” reference at the bottom. That’s the evangelical version of a “soft sell”.

071 This Is Not Fake

DO NOT IGNORE THIS OR YOU WILL DIE! Continue reading, because if you don’t you will suffer the full consequences of death even if you just clicked this link hoping to see boobs. In 1973, on or about the date of May 23rd at 7pm a little girl was killed at 4:15. She was beaten to death with a broken clock. A man jumped out of the sewer and murdered the girl and killed her also. What I’m saying is she’s dead, Jackson, and her name was Eve. The man from the sewer then threw Eve into the sewer and no one knew what happened to her until a very sick boy in the hospital began asking for more soup. The nurses knew the boy must be haunted because they had tasted the soup, so they threw him in the mental ward until he was 18. On his 18th birthday, his parents died of boredom and when the staff told the boy who’s name was Rancid Pete what had happened to his parents, he said, “Eve did it.” They let him out the next day, and with his brand new birthday knife he began killing everyone who doesn’t post this link to 10 other websites in the next 20 minutes. If you share this with 10 websites in the next five minutes, a hooker will come to your door and blow you for a doughnut. If you’re a woman, she’ll give you a crumb cake and you don’t have to do anything for it unless you really, really want to, it’s up to you, no pressure. If you post this to 10 other websites in two and a half minutes, you’ll receive 2 dozen friend requests on Game Center. THIS IS NOT FAKE! DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! Lucy Albimowitz of Rock Creek, NM got scared and didn’t pass this on to anybody and no one’s heard of her until now! Arlen Dempsey broke the chain and wound up having to blow Rancid Pete for a doughnut AND dying! If you break the chain you will see a dead little girl in your bedroom tonight who won’t be Eve but some other kid and who do you think you are that you deserve Eve herself, huh? She’s busy. And she’d make your room smell like sewer, so count your blessings and introduce yourself to the dead kid in the next 53 minutes and she’ll either say “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” which we’re guessing you don’t get to hear much either way due to the relationship problems you’ve been having from breaking chains like this one. But if you’re feeling lucky . . . well, go ahead Mr. Daredevil and don’t share this with anybody. You’re so smart, you don’t believe any of this, do you? Ignore it all, What Could Go Wrong? Rancid Pete didn’t believe either . . . until he did!

A boy and a girl run away from a fun fair. A boy and a girl and a bunch of other idiots. A boy and a girl in a haunted zombie time warp. A boy and a girl in a what the fuck is this crap? Shake it up, shake it up, ooh, that’s the recipe for this film. That’s the recipe for Bloody New Year (1987).

Here the owner of Lyndon’s Soda Fountain shows a couple of the candy cigarettes that brought the heat down on her. So you can’t sell such corrupting wares in St. Paul, MN. But, if you have eleven bucks for 24 packs, Amazon will send ’em right to your door, so no worries kids!

So a dentist sexually harasses an attractive employee and even sends her a lewd text message before his wife finds out. So what does he do, apologize? Nah, just fire the lady. I mean, it’s all her fault, right? That’s what the Iowa Supreme Court said: Being irresistable is a firing offense. On the upside, a number of patients are finding it easy to resist giving this prick any more business.

What did Santa bring Skullard for Christmas? Dirty books, of course! Does Skullard have the coolest wife or what?

If you could go back in time to warn your past self about something deeply important, what time of your life would you choose? What topic would you discuss? What’s that? Did you say… proper dining etiquette? That’s right! Little Chuck’s teenage self travels into the past to teach his childhood doppleganger how to make a good impression during meals. And to make things even jollier, they both wear the same stupid holiday sweater. Please learn a lot from this week’s educational short; Good Table Manners (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I heard some throw-away joke back when I was a kid that went something like, “You know everybody’s getting it on on New Year’s Eve, because nine months later, it’s Labor Day.” I never forgot it because math jokes are funny 98% of the time. I’m reminded of the line when I look at these two party-goers. Just look at her, dancing with her boyfriend, having a great time. Poor kid. All you have to do is look at the lecherous expression on that boy’s face to know he intends to pluck more than just the daisies in little miss pixie-cut’s hair. But wait, there’s something off here . . . is that a ring on the girl’s finger? And on the left hand too! This skanky wench is married! I knew that lip stick was a bit too whorish. But you might be saying, “Hold on, Skullard! How do you know that Brylcreemed lothario with the goofy overbite isn’t her faithful husband?” Because they’re at a dance, and no American douche-bag husband is going to dress up and buy tickets to something where he’ll have to sway and sweat and buy drinks in the hopes of getting marital nookie when he can sit at home and scratch himself on the couch and still coerce his better half into some reluctant act of passionless groin mechanics before the ball drops. Let’s face it, this girl’s slutting it up to grab herself a bit of side-boffing while hubby’s at home drinking cheap beer and watching Spike TV. And if you think that Bobby Overbite is the kind of dude who brings protection, think again. So come September, Daisy the Wonderwhore will be pushing out Bobby’s bastard while Joseph the Couch-Stricken cries into his Schlitz. But don’t they make a lovely couple?

070 Santa Is On My Hit List

Ho ho ho ho! It is apparently the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, blah blah blah blah. What Could Go Wrong?, however, is too busy to prance about like Santa’s sissy reindeer. Skullard is working thirteen hour days six days a week, and Luka is going mad with insomnia. But even such horrid hinderences shall not stop an extra merry holiday podcast from flying through the internet and into your brains. Well, maybe not “extra merry”. More like “super ragey”. But it’s all good, right? So shut your yuletite holes and deck the fucking halls. Christmas time is here!

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka pisses on Santa’s Slay (2005), a Lousy Intentionally Bad horror comedy starring former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. The poor jokes and pointless violence eventually escalate to a terrifying curling match, which should not be seen to be believed. Seriously, this movie’s only worth about five minutes of your time. Or maybe not. Cross it off your list. It’s been naughty and disappointing.

“Hey Mum! Could you look in my drawer for my socks?”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

“Hey, look Mommy! There’s a bird on the roof!”
“AIEEEEEEEE!”

Girl in the mail room: “Um, do we have a Henry Jones on faculty?”
Short Round: “You call him Doctor Jones, doll!”

Behold! A Christmas educational short, in which a lowly little tree with poor self esteem gets a holiday surpise – being murdered by a wood-cutter! Join in the no account fun with A Christmas Rhapsody (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I think this card says it well. Have a fine holiday . . . despite everything.

069 Might As Well

According to the neighbors, What Could Go Wrong? was always a quiet, polite podcast. Never said much, just kept to themselves, never caused any trouble. Sure, they got a lot of boxes delivered, but no one paid much attention to that. And they rarely left the appartment. Coworkers said pretty much the same, only adding that sometimes WCGW seemed distracted. Looking back, some recalled a vacant, faraway gaze, often accompanied by soundless, moving lips that seemed to be speaking to someone that wasn’t there. WCGW seemed a little awkward in direct discussions and wouldn’t meet the eye. Some other podcasts called WCGW a loner, a bit of a recluse, but WCGW didn’t care what the other podcasts said or thought. WCGW had a plan. WCGW could be patient. WCGW could bide it’s time and wait for the perfect moment . . . the moment when no one suspected a thing. And then, when the rest of the cruel, uncaring world had it’s guard down What Could Go Wrong? struck, swiftly and decisively. They put out . . . ANOTHER EPISODE! Because, really, might as well, right? What could go wrong?

Here’s a fuzzy picture taken on the sly of the Maine Mall Santa of South Portland. He doesn’t allow pictures unless you pony up the $20. Nor does he allow lap sitting. As for the holiday wishes of children, we believe his quote was, “Yeah, yeah . . . whatever.” Merry fuckin’ Christmas.

Jared Gurman shot his girlfriend because she thought The Walking Dead was unrealistic. Is anyone going to take shots at us, because we think the idea of this man having a girlfriend is unrealistic?

Princess Mette-Marit of Norway: it’s always gratifying to find out that one of the “Beautiful People” is actually a beautiful person.

All the pretty Kitties wonder how Amazon gets off calling this “gift wrapping”.

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Kevin MacLeod of incompetec.com gives you some fine music to stroll by. Not “stroll by” in the sense you walk past it, but, y’know, music for strolling. Too much in a hurry to stroll? Who’s fault is that?

Are you the kind of asshole who would steal a baby Jesus and give some poor kid an American Football that she didn’t even want? Will you steal from the Salvation Army? Will you report prostitutes to the police for not blowing you long enough? Find out in this week’s enlightening educational short; Am I Trustworthy (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This week’s special guest star was God’s favorite son, Jesus. Here’s a guy who’s done it all: carpentry, social work, public speaking, health care, donkey theft, catering, sailing without a boat, exorcism, bank reform, day care, wine making, fortune telling and transfiguration. And yet he still finds the time to direct traffic for hipsters. All in all, not a bad guy.

068 There’s A Hole

This just in: There’s a speck on the flea on the tail on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. Our crack team of experts are on location, braving the myriad dangers of deep sea exploration, trying to determine if there may be something on the speck. Meanwhile, a noted zoologist from Oslo has put forward the theory that the frog may not be a frog at all considering it’s able to withstand the immense, crushing pressure of the sea bottom, not to mention it has a fucking tail. A Mrs. Helen Torquette of Gorsen, KY claims the log is actually hers and was stolen some months ago by, in her words, “Them transients what park their RVs up the road next to Neta’s place. Never did trust the likes of them, and now they done took my log.” Deputy Alan Morse disputes Mrs. Torquette’s claim, stating, “Helen’s a damn nut. She’s still got her log. It’s propping up her husband Gary’s El Camino in their front yard. I doubt she’s missing any of her fleas either.” And Rev. Enoch Terse, pastor of the First Evangelical Free Congregational Four Cornered Church of the Fucked, has started an online petition to halt any removal of the log from the hole. “Dat log was put there by God Hisself!” explains Rev. Terse. “What God chooses ta plug up da sea with, man should never go and unplug. Can I get an AMEN? And what’s gonna happen iffin’ man, with his science and his pride, goes an’ unplugs the ocean? The sea, it’s gonna drain away! All the fishes is gonna go down the hole! We ain’t gonna got no sea, and we ain’t gonna got no fishes, and God’s blue ocean is gonna be gone! And what’s man gonna say? Is the science man gonna take responsibility that there ain’t no fish no more? No! He’s gonna say it’s global warmin’, the Devil’s own lie! We can’t let that happen, AMEN? Are we gonna let them touch one speck on one flea on one tail on one frog on one bump of that log? Great God Almighty, no!”

What Could Go Wrong? will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Luka gives two thumbs (and hooves) up to this week’s Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Black Sheep (2006). Have you ever wondered who would win the battle if sheep decided to turn on mankind? Find out, stupid! You can start by watching this exciting trailer:

Dazzling the stage with his prissy transformation comes Star Driver‘s Galactic Pretty Boy! Beware, or he’ll tjuzs you to death!

Minnesota’s Moon Rocks encased in a lucite globe. How the blazes do you lose MOON ROCKS, you entitled bitches!?!

In this week’s helpful educational short, a rotten kid and his scumbag friends throw rocks through windows. Was that a good thing to do, or a bad thing to do? Should the culprits be punished, or should their parents and pastors protect them from the consequences or their idiotic actions? You’ll be on the edge of your seat for Right or Wrong (1951)!

Once again, Kevin MacLeod provides the perfect soundtrack. Planning on a friendly bit of safe cracking or second-story work? Hit play, think sneaky, and get busy.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Want to take a stab at challenging Luka’s mad skills on Hello Kitty’s Cafe? I suggest you start training now with this informative correspondence course. Buster, you’re going to need all the help you can get.