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Troll 2. Luka watched this movie several times now in order to properly review it. You people owe her big time.

The shopkeeper in this scene turned out to be a mental patient on a day pass. Years later, he admits that the nut-jobbery you see in his eyes is the real deal. He’s better now, thanks to proper medication, but sanity’s gain is Hollywood’s loss, don’t you think?

Jimmy the Groundhog doesn’t know this guy’s the Mayor, just that his meaty ear looks like it would be good with some Steve’s Pepper Sauce. The Mayor keeps his composure somewhat, but he knows people. This will not go unanswered, be assured. Jimmy the Groundhog is going to get a visit from Mickey the Wrench and Tommy the Anvil.

The crowning of this year’s Miss Amazonas in Brazil would have gone unnoticed by the world if not for a last minute performance by the runner-up.

That Susie, she’s such a doll. She’s a life-sized doll that little Nancy dresses up to look like herself, even going so far as to share the same hairstyle. “You know how it is,” says Nancy’s dad in this film, “when a little girl has no brothers or sisters.” Yeah, we know how it is, dad. It’s called extreme narcissism, and your daughter’s rejecting relationships with real children in favor of a plastic reflection of herself. Nice parenting there, pops. Now that the family’s got the idea of seatbelts nailed down, maybe we can move counseling for your child a little higher up in the agenda. Why is it that whenever they show us a film about the value of seatbelts they always feature people we wouldn’t mind seeing flung out from the passenger-side door on a tight turn. Still, there is a cloying sweetness to the juvenile “Love Object” relationship we find in Safetybelt For Susie (1962).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Remember those innocent days of yesteryear where beauty queens toured on busses and could stand in a straight line without being told to do so? No one was yanking anyone else’s tiara off and throwing it to the ground. All the girls were graceful and charming, driving from town to town to bring beauty and poise to all. Of course, once they were back on the bus and on the road, who knows what went on between these women, but I like to imagine it was a tight community of fun-loving, supportive lesbians who lived life to the fullest. At least, that how I’m going to imagine it.

We’ve been having a terrible time sleeping lately. Actually, Luka’s been dealing with insomnia forever while Skullard’s only been having minor trouble recently. The nice thing about being a couple is that when one person starts developing a chronic problem the other person who’s been crippled by it for years already can guide the first one through the process. “Hey there, welcome to insomnia. Come in and help your self to a non-stimulating drink. Feel free to sit anywhere and get comfortable with the idea that you’ll never be comfortable again.” Of course, Skullard’s current problem of waking up too early and not going back to sleep is hardly on the same level as Luka’s vacant, bloodshot eyes staring for hours into the night’s lightless void, plus it does give him the chance to blearily fiddle with his iPad in bed with his glasses off. You would think that since we’re spending so much time just lying there, unable to shut our brains off, we’d be coming up with all sorts of ideas about the podcast and how to make it even more entertaining. You’re cute.

SEE words come up on the screen! READ what they have to say! Never before has a trailer lacked so much content FROM THE FILM IT’S PROMOTING! And it’s all done in the THIRD DIMENSION, by which we mean you can reach out and try to touch the screen you’re reading this on almost as if it were right in front of you which it is. Movie? Who cares! All that matters is you haul your ass down to the theater and WATCH House of Wax (1953)!


According to the most recent reports at the time of posting, Bart the Zombie Cat is recovering from his various surgeries, eating and happy. His vet bills were covered by many donations from people all over the internet who figured, “Shit, if he can dig his way out of a grave after being dead for five days, I can at least toss him a couple of bucks. Just so long as I don’t have to touch him. Yeesh.” Bart’s disciples have all now come out of hiding saying they knew this resurrection was going to happen all along and are going forth to preach the Kingdom of Bart.

Mickey’s got the coolest older brother in the world. He’s going away, presumably to partake in some sex-cult, and leaving his bitchin’ boss ride behind for others to drool over. Can Mickey drive the car that works like a chick-magnet, attracting women this kid would have no idea what to do with once he has them? Only if he can learn the AAA rules of the road, so study up, ya mush-head. Learn along with this covetous little shit in Mickey’s Big Chance (1952).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Dames. Am I right?

Welcome to our discount website that doesn’t put us on Google Maps. For another $10 a month we could let everyone know where we live, but as it is we’ll just have to keep telling you all where you can go. This week’s episode is a full stocking of goodies, a fruitcake full of nuts and candies, a piñata stuffed with candy and toys, a grab-bag of surprises, a cookie tray, a box of chocolates from which you never know what you’ll get, a Deck of Many Things, a buffet plate your mother put together while you sat waiting at the table, a flea-infested carcass and other things you dare not ponder. It is our gift to you, dear listener, with our compliments and one or two happy returns. Have joyous whatever-the-fuck and may all you seasonal expectations be at least partially fulfilled.

You remember Toy Story, right? Well, this isn’t that. Sure, there’s a toy who feels threatened by the appearance of new toys and is willing to go to great lengths to make sure its beloved child doesn’t forget or neglect him. But past that familiar premise, things take a creepier, almost stalker-ish turn. Not since Glenn Close told Michael Douglas, “I will not be ignored!” has a jilted figure (or figurine) been willing to go so far to embed themselves in the heart of their obsession. See the desperation and tormented sense of betrayal that fuels A Christmas Fantasy (1930).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: You can tell how desperate FedEx is getting this time of year by the quality of the temporary drivers they’re willing to hire. I mean, look at this kid: she’s dropping packages and doesn’t bother going back to get them. And you can bet that freight isn’t organized by address. And what’s she going to do when her next delivery is uphill? Amateurs.

We may not have a bathroom as spacious as Walmart’s, but it’s important to dream. And by “dream” we mean sleep which we’re not getting enough of, so rather than sitting here typing clever shit that only you are going to read (and you KNOW who you are), we’re going to get on with our weekend. So there! And, uh, thanks for reading.

Here’s a pretty friend who visited Luka for peace and protection. Even in a maelstrom of screaming children, sometimes there are moments you can enjoy.

The Killer Shrews (1959) sucks carpeted dog balls, but for a quick and painless way to hit the highlights, join the MST3K boys for this brief appreciation.

Remember that great childhood game you knew as “Telephone”? Well it’s called “Quotations”, dummy, and it’s time you started getting that shit right. It’s important to get all your quotations right or you’ll never get the playground open on Saturday or you can’t play around with Mary on Saturday or Gary sat on the Merry-Go-Round all day or something to that effect. Find out for your stupid self by watching Watch That Quotation (1949).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This postcard from The Bali Bar could have been an exact picture of the Kokomo’s bar that Luka bought her girly drink. Of course, it didn’t have an oily bartender like Lance Boyle here, but the décor was just the same. “Jack BAUERRRRRRRRRR!”

Welcome to the return of What Could Go Wrong?, the podcast that needed nearly a month to recover from an invasion of old people. It was said on the podcast and we’ll say it again here: Skullard’s parents are good, lovely people. They’re just not a heaping bucket of fun. They’re old. You can’t expect a couple of aged ancestors to march at the front of the parade, leading the band. If it sounds like we’re badmouthing these people, we’re not. We’re just reporting the facts. And besides, if you can’t complain about your parents, why did you bother having them?

During the podcast, we mentioned that the IKEA breakfast was $2.99. We have wronged that fine establishment. The pre-fab furniture store cafeteria only charges 99 cents for its morning meal. How’s that for value? Now keep in mind that the chocolate cake is $3.29, so don’t take your selfish, spoiled children there if you’re trying to have a reasonably priced meal. Where do they think they’re eating at anyway, Taco Bell?

This is what any Swede should rightly expect from their 99 cent breakfast. This is a proper Swedish pancake. Anything less and your precious little furniture store will burn, assholes.


“You think you got me!?! Just wait until I wrap my musky thighs around YOU, ya scaley bitch!”

This is Fafnir, the crown jewel of the Science Museum of Minnesota. She’s more than a hundred and fifty million years old and glorious, or in the words of Skullard’s Mom, “Meh.”

Can you believe it? Overworked housewives are thrilled over a fine selection of new ironing boards in Making A New Day Out Of Tuesday (1946).


From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: It could be worse, buddy. You could be mashed up into Jon Voight’s crotch right now.

What we have here is a Halloween episode that may well sound like most of our other episodes but that’s just because we tend to live in a perpetual state of Halloween. We’re constantly dressing up in costumes (or at least one of us is), we give each other candy year round, and we watch spooky movies every chance we get. If you factor in our fantasy role-playing, we’re dealing with more monsters on a consistent basis than you’ll find at your local mall’s costume contest. When we’re driving stakes through vampires, it’s just as likely to be April as it is October. You might think that with this ongoing Halloweenie state of mind we have, we wouldn’t get so excited about the holiday itself when it eventually rolls around, but we do. It’s like the world has finally caught up with us again. So happy Halloween everybody – we’ve been keeping it warm for you.

If you can’t make friends, keep prisoners. That seems to be the motto of the psycho doll maker with abandonment issues who shrinks his victims and forces them to have dance parties with cake. And he can do it too, because everyone knows that doll makers and master marionette puppeteers also possess expert degrees in particle physics that equip them to make shrinking rays. Skullard got a bible degree which allows him to do psychological counseling with farm animals, so why not? But what do you do when you’re shrunk? Stand in a can, mostly. Though sometimes you’re let out to climb string, run from rats and hide in UPS packages. This film has all of that plus a musical number and a really scary girl scout. Get ready for zero attacks from non-puppet people in Attack of the Puppet People (1958).

Yup, we’re taking Skullard’s mother who’s terrified of snakes to go see a movie chock full CGI snakiness. Fortunately it’s Rifftrax, so we’re going for the funny, not the story.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Halloween blessings from a lucky witch – you can’t ask for better than that.

We could have put this episode together sooner, but it was a beautiful fall day. How many more of these are we going to get? So we went to the zoo, went for ice cream, then picked up a pizza to take home. And later Luka can pick out a movie and we’ll watch it on the couch in our footie pajamas. It’s another “Divorced Dad’s Weekend” with the Skullards. We strongly recommend that every so often you take someone you love out on the town and treat them like you only have limited custody. You may not be able to buy love, but they’ll always love that you try.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to cross-breed a venus flytrap with animal life, but since we have one handy anyway we’ll let him do it. The Revenge of Dr. X (1970) recounts the worst vacation in NASA’s personnel files. This rage-oholic makes Dr. No, Dr. Phibes and Dr. Moreau seem like easy going stoners. And really, would YOU murder an old woman to feed her heart’s blood to something this goofy looking? We thought not.

Back in the 40’s, if you could afford a chimp as a pet, you could probably afford some kind of camera to film its excesses and abuses. This harrowing documentary of an animal with no discipline rampaging according to its own primal will is given a silly soundtrack and goofy first-person (?) voice-over to make it seem funny instead of deeply troubling. Warning: severe turtle abuse is not only allowed but encouraged. Not fit for children, you should prepare yourself suitably for the horror that awaits you in Chimp’s Vacation (1944).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Don’t look at the wrong porn site and don’t fuck with the mail. We’re warning you, asshole.

Terry Tacheny is like every other therapeutic harpist you know except that she also plays for primates. How cool is this lady? Click the pic to watch the video and see for yourself.

Oo, here come the genius misfits who can save the world with nerdiness. Scorpion is based on a true story in the same way Rocky III is based on math. The people who brought you The Fast and the Furious want you to know they can make any story about autism better by adding a sports cars and low-flying jets. Isn’t it great when you can watch super smart people do amazing things and still feel superior to them because they’re dorks?

Congo (1995) is shit. Real apes throw handfuls of this movie when they get upset.

If you take West Side Story, move it to California and cut out all the music, you might get Gang Boy (1960), a Shark-centric look at what drives young men into gang life. Although the focus is on how one kid gets turned into the leader of a bunch of toughs, what’s even more fascinating is how these guys turn so many common items into street weapons. Grab some masking tape and a bike chain and you’re armed and set to go to the dance. Are you ready to rumble?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: They were such a sweet couple. They hung out together almost every night, went everywhere holding hands and things were starting to get serious. She’d met his parents and hers were driving down for a dinner in a couple of weeks. And then Rhonda said, “Hey, let’s go see that new Michael Crighton movie.” Walking out of the theater afterwards, the two barely spoke. Later, in bed, Kevin called her “Amy” at the worst possible moment. That was the end. Now, years later, Kevin takes out this picture and looks at it, contemplating irrevocable loss. He’s seen on Facebook that Rhonda’s daughter is starting college this year. She looks happy. “Damn you, Crighton,” he thinks. “And damn you, Amy . . . you impossible diamond temptress. Why did I ever have to succumb to your spell?” And then he slips in the DVD one last time. Every time is the last time.