106 Not The Bees

106 Not The BeesThanks for coming to our home and joining us for our traditional feast of pointlessness. Since we aren’t geographically close enough to visit either of our respective families, we spent Thanksgivukkah with you, our podcasting family. That’s right, you’re family now. So what did you bring? You’re not still seeing the boy, are you? When are you going to quit that job and go back to school? Y’know, it’s such a shame. You always had so much potential and look at you. By the way, when’s the last time you changed your oil? You have to take care of things if you want them to last. Say, did you hear about your cousin Janice? Well you know she was engaged to that Todd boy, right? The Dempsey boy? Well, it turns out that he’s been going on line at his job and . . . hey! Where ya goin’? Hey, don’t leave! There’s still pie!

Having a hard time keeping track of the tangled relationships in Once Upon A Time? Click on this simple, easy-to-follow chart and all will be clear. Sorta.
OUAT chart

Luka says that the best way to watch The Wicker Man (2006) is as a comedy. She’s not alone in that view. Here’s a great trailer to put you in a rom-com state of mind.

Ever wanted to explain Keynesian economics to a third grader? It can be done, and as it turns out, they did it simply and elegantly back in 1939 with a delightful educational short called Round and Round. (Be glad YOU don’t have to pay for your widgets with manhole covers.)

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Why do we wave at people on boats? “Bon voyage, mother fuckers!” Why should we care? We’re not the ones going on a trip. And why would those bastards wave back? Don’t they have boaty things to do like shuffle board or stuffing their faces or something? How about we all go about our respective business and leave each other alone. It’s not like we wish those people well or anything. “Hope ya sink!”

“What did those peasants say, darling?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps it was, ‘The Pope has ink’?”

“How wonderful for him. Shall we retire to the Lido deck?”

“Retire? Silly Billy, we don’t work.”

“Ah-ha-ha, yes, quite right. Very good, darling.”

092 Ask About Our Dental Services

Grab your moth-eaten top hats and bindles and get ready to ride the rails! It’s National Hobo Week! It’s also Intimate Apparel Week. Should we put the hobos in lingerie? Hmmm. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then why not take your children to the Zoo to pet tigers? Are they too scared? Then how about giving them a shovel so they can dig up worms and firearms in your backyard? Oh, fine. Then go ahead and send your kids to summer camp where it’s nice and safe. Meanwhile, you can stop by the local car wash for your bi-yearly tooth cleaning. What could go wrong?

NBC’s newest horror-drama will be airing in October and starring a rather familiar character. What do you think, Skullard? Does it look good, or will it… suck?

Remember the Noid? Not only would this disgusting little goblin make your cheese sticky and your pizza cold, but he had toys and video games in his honor. The first one was for the Commodore 64, so you know it was super good.

Don’t worry, not all pizza delivery is scary news. Domino’s Pizza will go to great lengths to please you. Just look at this cute napkin love note they sent us with our free apology pizza and lava cakes! Thank you, Domino’s!

BEHOLD! The mighty ant! Ants are stronger, smarter, faster and better than any other living thing on earth. Especially YOU.

Impressed by how cool ants are? You should be. Now why not learn how to murder them? Please enjoy this week’s educational short, Goodbye Mrs. Ant (1959)!

Danganropa – The Animation is the anime Skullard keeps calling “Highschool of Dispair” but which highschool isn’t, really? Sure, the school you attended didn’t force you to murder your classmates and execute you horribly if you couldn’t get away with it . . . but you had gym, right? Pep rallies? What they called a salad bar? If our principal had been a sociopathic stuffed bear, we couldn’t have told the difference.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What are people saying behind your back? Are they whispering about you? Are they sneaking into your apartment at night and looking around? Are they insinuating that you will ruin their pizzas? ARE THEY?

071 This Is Not Fake

DO NOT IGNORE THIS OR YOU WILL DIE! Continue reading, because if you don’t you will suffer the full consequences of death even if you just clicked this link hoping to see boobs. In 1973, on or about the date of May 23rd at 7pm a little girl was killed at 4:15. She was beaten to death with a broken clock. A man jumped out of the sewer and murdered the girl and killed her also. What I’m saying is she’s dead, Jackson, and her name was Eve. The man from the sewer then threw Eve into the sewer and no one knew what happened to her until a very sick boy in the hospital began asking for more soup. The nurses knew the boy must be haunted because they had tasted the soup, so they threw him in the mental ward until he was 18. On his 18th birthday, his parents died of boredom and when the staff told the boy who’s name was Rancid Pete what had happened to his parents, he said, “Eve did it.” They let him out the next day, and with his brand new birthday knife he began killing everyone who doesn’t post this link to 10 other websites in the next 20 minutes. If you share this with 10 websites in the next five minutes, a hooker will come to your door and blow you for a doughnut. If you’re a woman, she’ll give you a crumb cake and you don’t have to do anything for it unless you really, really want to, it’s up to you, no pressure. If you post this to 10 other websites in two and a half minutes, you’ll receive 2 dozen friend requests on Game Center. THIS IS NOT FAKE! DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! Lucy Albimowitz of Rock Creek, NM got scared and didn’t pass this on to anybody and no one’s heard of her until now! Arlen Dempsey broke the chain and wound up having to blow Rancid Pete for a doughnut AND dying! If you break the chain you will see a dead little girl in your bedroom tonight who won’t be Eve but some other kid and who do you think you are that you deserve Eve herself, huh? She’s busy. And she’d make your room smell like sewer, so count your blessings and introduce yourself to the dead kid in the next 53 minutes and she’ll either say “I love you,” or “I’m sorry,” which we’re guessing you don’t get to hear much either way due to the relationship problems you’ve been having from breaking chains like this one. But if you’re feeling lucky . . . well, go ahead Mr. Daredevil and don’t share this with anybody. You’re so smart, you don’t believe any of this, do you? Ignore it all, What Could Go Wrong? Rancid Pete didn’t believe either . . . until he did!

A boy and a girl run away from a fun fair. A boy and a girl and a bunch of other idiots. A boy and a girl in a haunted zombie time warp. A boy and a girl in a what the fuck is this crap? Shake it up, shake it up, ooh, that’s the recipe for this film. That’s the recipe for Bloody New Year (1987).

Here the owner of Lyndon’s Soda Fountain shows a couple of the candy cigarettes that brought the heat down on her. So you can’t sell such corrupting wares in St. Paul, MN. But, if you have eleven bucks for 24 packs, Amazon will send ’em right to your door, so no worries kids!

So a dentist sexually harasses an attractive employee and even sends her a lewd text message before his wife finds out. So what does he do, apologize? Nah, just fire the lady. I mean, it’s all her fault, right? That’s what the Iowa Supreme Court said: Being irresistable is a firing offense. On the upside, a number of patients are finding it easy to resist giving this prick any more business.

What did Santa bring Skullard for Christmas? Dirty books, of course! Does Skullard have the coolest wife or what?

If you could go back in time to warn your past self about something deeply important, what time of your life would you choose? What topic would you discuss? What’s that? Did you say… proper dining etiquette? That’s right! Little Chuck’s teenage self travels into the past to teach his childhood doppleganger how to make a good impression during meals. And to make things even jollier, they both wear the same stupid holiday sweater. Please learn a lot from this week’s educational short; Good Table Manners (1951)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: I heard some throw-away joke back when I was a kid that went something like, “You know everybody’s getting it on on New Year’s Eve, because nine months later, it’s Labor Day.” I never forgot it because math jokes are funny 98% of the time. I’m reminded of the line when I look at these two party-goers. Just look at her, dancing with her boyfriend, having a great time. Poor kid. All you have to do is look at the lecherous expression on that boy’s face to know he intends to pluck more than just the daisies in little miss pixie-cut’s hair. But wait, there’s something off here . . . is that a ring on the girl’s finger? And on the left hand too! This skanky wench is married! I knew that lip stick was a bit too whorish. But you might be saying, “Hold on, Skullard! How do you know that Brylcreemed lothario with the goofy overbite isn’t her faithful husband?” Because they’re at a dance, and no American douche-bag husband is going to dress up and buy tickets to something where he’ll have to sway and sweat and buy drinks in the hopes of getting marital nookie when he can sit at home and scratch himself on the couch and still coerce his better half into some reluctant act of passionless groin mechanics before the ball drops. Let’s face it, this girl’s slutting it up to grab herself a bit of side-boffing while hubby’s at home drinking cheap beer and watching Spike TV. And if you think that Bobby Overbite is the kind of dude who brings protection, think again. So come September, Daisy the Wonderwhore will be pushing out Bobby’s bastard while Joseph the Couch-Stricken cries into his Schlitz. But don’t they make a lovely couple?

060.5 Penne Will Not Alleviate Your Misfortune

It seems we have finally found what it takes to shut Skullard up: coughing fits. There’s just something about the hacking expulsion of phlegm that plays havok on that jolly repartee feeling we try so hard to nurture. Hopefully Luka won’t fall prey to the vicious viscous virus as badly as her ailing and afflicted husband, but bedrest and veggies are on the schedule to bring both hosts back up to fighting form. If all goes well, and if frequent visits to a certain pasta outlet are made, perhaps next week a full-sized, full-throated podcast will burst forth fully formed from our feeble frames. Or not. You can never really know. After all, something else could go wrong.

Our friend Fat Nyan has decided to speak up, nyan! He is a plump feline who has dedicated his life to educating the youth of today, nyan. This week, nyan, he discusses the importance of eating one’s vegetables, nyan. Terrible things will happen if you do not, nyan. For more information, please view his video, nyan.

Behold! The Cauldron of Evil!

Does your job make you sick? Well, cheer up, dumb-ass! You might be more important than you think. Please become inspired by this week’s bonus educational short; You and Your Work (1948)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Say what you will about Noodles & Company, they don’t have this kind of variety. To be fair though, I’ve seen more varieties of pasta shapes in the Mac & Cheese aisle at my grocery store. Where’s Sponge Bob? Where’s Spiderman? I wish the back of the card had the names of the different pastas corresponding with the numbers in the picture, but all it says on the back is “Pasta”. This is often the way when I seek education or enlightenment from postcards: lots of stuff to pique my interest, but skimpy on the details. It’s good practice for watching the news.