Category Archives: holidays

OVA: We Know What We Did This Summer

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Well, the summer’s over. It’s time to drag your smelly carcass back to school or to work, with only the memories of your vacation to sustain you until next year. But don’t despair, dumbass! You can make yourself feel better by listening to Skullard and Luka regale you with their thrilling tales of mundane and utterly pointless adventure.

What kind of excitement can you expect? Birthday cakes made of ground meat and topped with dead mice! Quiche and inanely rambling old women with a grudge against Germany! Boomboxes plunging into birdbaths when everybody refused to dance now! Mysterious appearing and disappearing church signs! Unnecessary juice coupons! Enraging trip to the tire store while hubcaps attempt to make their escape! Posters at the Post Office! Endlessly shrieking children at Walmart! Quarters inserting themselves into Luka’s butt-crack and then later disguising themselves as batteries! Killer wasps loose in the bathroom! Weenie boogers!

During our trip to the antique store, Luka became charmed with an old sign reading “SPRATT’S CAT FOOD: Puts Pussy In Fine Form“. It comes in packets! They also make dog food and some kind of powder for canaries. Delicious!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection; Our newest find is a funny little card sent back in 1921, from a young lady in Wolfville to her friend in college. It reads “Hello you sweet little bunch of sour grapes! Have they done this to you yet? I got your dejected and mournful puppy dog and was pleased to see him but I’m afraid he won’t be cheered up very soon or Lucy’s essay will never be typed. Congratylations Miss Fash on getting your Literary A. The tavern is an awful touch without you. Jean and I had to go up to it last night and rouse a little life in it. La la old thing – give my love to the rest of the gang! And if you’d drop another line perhaps you’d get a bigger bit. -Marion”

096 Suck It Up, Quit Whining And Have Fun

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Why waste your Sunday morning bowing and scraping to your silly deity when you could lay about in your filthy underpants listening to What Could Go Wrong? This week Skullard and Luka blather on about many pointless topics that are sure to enchant you. Oh! Such as The Ug Couple, the Hot Guy Gas Station, A Touch of Cloth, the Virgin Mary’s birthday and three-way goat fuckery! Wow! Will the entertainment never cease? (Yes, it will. We had to eat cheese pizza and cream-filled chocolate donuts.)

Are you brimming with ungodly arrogance like Skullard and Luka? Alright then you smartass, why not try your hand at The Deck of Many Things? Perhaps you will win fabulous treasures, the likes of which you have never seen! Or maybe you’ll be cursed to an eternity of misery and disease. Whee! Uncertainty is fun!

Did we gush on enough about A Touch of Cloth? Well, have you started watching it? If not, more gushing is called for.

Remember kids: it’s no fun to fall down and get hurt all the time, and everybody will hate you! For crying out loud, haven’t you got any Skateboard Sense (1975)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: sometimes spiritual nagging comes in handy postcard form. Go to church every Sunday! Don’t forget to dress like a total prat. Be thou faithful unto death. Death, I say!


And if that wasn’t enough of a guilt trip to get your ass back to church, how about THIS? Your non-conformity makes puppies and kittens sad! You don’t want to make innocent fluffy critters weep for your lost soul… DO YOU?!

094 Pineapples and Kumquats

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What do you do when things go wrong? When your plans fall flat, what’s your back up? Around here, it turns out, we podcast. We had every intention to enjoy a night at the theater, and we paid our admission and parked our butts in a couple of aisle seats. But then calamity struck and the show got cancelled. Sure, we got our money back, but then what? Hit the strip clubs? Heat up quarters with a lighter, then throw them out the car window at passing hobos? Play canasta? None of those things! Instead we headed straight home and turned on the microphones so you wouldn’t have to miss one second of our pathetic butt-hurt. That’s the thing about self-pity: even though it’s all about you, it’s only any fun if you share.

Click on the banner for Blowpaste! That’s right, we proudly endorse this premium toothpaste/oral lube whole-heartedly now. Why? Well . . . because they said nice things to us. We don’t get a lot of positive reinforcement around here. Flatter us a little and we’ll go to mat for you. That’s just the kind beaten-down dogs we are. Blowpaste! When you say “Blowpaste“, you’ve said a mouthful.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Now here’s a charming couple. Is this supposed to be Archie and Betty? If so, Betty needs to dial back on the lip stick a little. She certainly seems to enjoy sucking cream from his straw. The way Archie is leering, he doesn’t seem to mind. Think he’s going to try and take her cherry? Okay, these kind of lines are too easy. Considering that Sunday the 18th is Bad Poetry Day, Skullard offered to write a bad poem about a postcard of Luka’s choice and this is the card she picked. What follows is the poem he wrote, destined to be included one day in an anthology entitled “Poems For The Lowest Common Denominator.”

From their very first encounter at the Walgreen’s soda counter
He knew he had to mount her so he asked her out right there
She didn’t seem insulted and his spirit was exalted
When she said, “Buy me a malted and maybe we can share.”

She acted fairly flirty and though she said nothing dirty
Just the way she filled her shirt he nearly came there at the sight
Her straw work was seductive making him feel reproductive
And he thought he might get fucked if he could play his cards just right

He wished he had a roofie to get this girly goofy
Because in honest truth he had no talent in romance
Instead he offered booze he hoped would make her far less choosy
So this soda-fountain floozie would let him in her pants

But she eyed him with a snicker. “Did you really think that liquor
would hit me like a brick?” Her tone suggested it would not
“Look, if you want to pair up, whoever did your hair up
Like some hemorrhoidal flair up should be taken out and shot

“And did your Mommy pick that sweater? If she did then you should get her
Nicer glasses that work better because that one is a miss
And if you want my diagnosis, the judgment of my nose is
That your chronic halitosis stinks worse than buzzard piss

“Plus I’m really quite disgusted how your pants are half-encrusted
And I’m sure your fly is rusted by the seepage from your schlong
And I don’t know who told ya you could buy a girl a soda
And just for that she owed ya something sexy, but they’re wrong”

After such a verbal beating he ended up retreating
Despairing how the meeting didn’t work out like he planned
Back home he sat and pondered on the chance that he had squandered
And through his mind she wandered as he gave himself a hand

093 Not Enough Bleach In The World

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Hurrah! It’s time to butter your windows and sit back to another episode of What Could Go Wrong! We’re always grateful and happy to have you tune in. As a matter of fact, What Could Go Wrong cares about its listeners. We thought we’d provide you with the following important public service announcement; If you’re going to buy an iPhone, don’t do it at the McDonald’s. It’s also not a good idea to hop in your truck and throw bombs at pedestrians while Miss Utah rides shotgun. Maybe you should just try to relax by driving over to your local Starbucks and ordering a big cup of… err… I mean, a large cup… a grande? Is it a… umm… you know. Whatever size is the mostliest. Okay, just have the big size of a low-fat… oh, hell. What’s that thing called again?

Skullard liked Blowpaste so much, he bought the company. No. That’s a total lie. But he DID write a song about it!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For the price of this cup of coffee, you could provide food for the pets of the homeless weak.

091 Mayonnaise Mania

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What’s worse than a baloney and mayonnaise on white bread sandwich every day for your entire childhood? Being stripped naked and getting your head stuck in a banister, for one thing. Or trying to eat a nice chicken-and-slug burger when a horse walks in and craps in front of you. Or being called relentlessly day and night by a custom Renaissance Fair costume shop. Or having your Mom shove a suppository up your ass every afternoon until you go mad. These are all based on true stories, by the way. Life is full of surprises.

Look, a new baby! What a fucking miracle! What could possibly make this occasion even more wonderful? How about a lump of mayonnaise and a decrepit old hag? Now everything’s perfect!

Gao was really excited to sing for you this week, even if it meant putting his health at great personal risk.

From Skullard’s Post Card Collection: Look, Luka! It’s Duck Dynasty! Or, errr…. Moose Dynasty! See, this idiot shaved his beard and now he’s calling the wrong animal. Oh well, shoot it anyway!

088 No Parking

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Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? Hillbillies who scream obscenities and leave rotting trash in the hallway? Hookers who bring their Johns over all hours of the day and night? Young college couples who break up on the front lawn and then spend the next few days hurling insults and bits of furniture at one another as they move out separately? Old folks who watch TV at top volume past midnight? Toddlers who scream and wail into the wee hours of the morning? Frat boys who have parties every day of the week and drive dune-buggies in tiny circles round and round the parking lot? Depressed wantwits who moan and grumble to everyone and no one in particular? Are THESE the people that you meet when you’re walking down the street? The people that you meet each day? Sigh….

The mighty pile of dirt has turned verdant. Seems to be a lot of nutrients in that soil, which begs the question: who’s buried under there?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hey, Grump-Butt down there in Apartment #3! Don’t be a grouchy old Don’t Bee. Society will loathe and shun you!