104 Bloody Mischief

Posted on November 16, 2013 by Skullard

Another week has passed. Skullard and Luka watch TV and complain. There’s a lot of funny stuff on TV starring super smart villains and sexually promiscuous super-heroes. Oh, Arrow! There’s also a really loud lady downstairs and vindictive shaves of paper trying to cut Luka to bits. Cheer up, Luka! Just put a little ketchup on it and head on down to the mall for a slumber party – with SANTA CLAUS!

Almost a hundred years ago, The Axeman began chopping heads in the city of New Orleans. It is true. To prove that he was a scary as everyone thought, The Axeman even wrote a letter to the police which was published in a newspaper. Shockingu!

Hell, March 13, 1919

Esteemed Mortal:

They have never caught me and they never will. They have never seen me, for I am invisible, even as the ether that surrounds your earth. I am not a human being, but a spirit and a demon from the hottest hell. I am what you Orleanians and your foolish police call the Axeman.

When I see fit, I shall come and claim other victims. I alone know whom they shall be. I shall leave no clue except my bloody axe, besmeared with blood and brains of he whom I have sent below to keep me company.

If you wish you may tell the police to be careful not to rile me. Of course, I am a reasonable spirit. I take no offense at the way they have conducted their investigations in the past. In fact, they have been so utterly stupid as to not only amuse me, but His Satanic Majesty, Francis Josef, etc. But tell them to beware. Let them not try to discover what I am, for it were better that they were never born than to incur the wrath of the Axeman. I don‘t think there is any need of such a warning, for I feel sure the police will always dodge me, as they have in the past. They are wise and know how to keep away from all harm.

Undoubtedly, you Orleanians think of me as a most horrible murderer, which I am, but I could be much worse if I wanted to. If I wished, I could pay a visit to your city every night. At will I could slay thousands of your best citizens, for I am in close relationship with the Angel of Death.

Now, to be exact, at 12:15 (earthly time) on next Tuesday night, I am going to pass over New Orleans. In my infinite mercy, I am going to make a little proposition to you people. Here it is:

I am very fond of jazz music, and I swear by all the devils in the nether regions that every person shall be spared in whose home a jazz band is in full swing at the time I have just mentioned. If everyone has a jazz band going, well, then, so much the better for you people. One thing is certain and that is that some of your people who do not jazz it on Tuesday night (if there be any) will get the axe.

Well, as I am cold and crave the warmth of my native Tartarus, and it is about time I leave your earthly home, I will cease my discourse. Hoping that thou wilt publish this, that it may go well with thee, I have been, am and will be the worst spirit that ever existed either in fact or realm of fancy.

The Axeman

Whee! What fun it is to play in the water with surfboards and dolphins and crap like that. Let’s all enjoy some Aqua Frolics (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A “bantam weight” portable (36 1/2lbs light) with all the picture punch of a console. Transformer powered 17 tube hand wired chassis delivers 25 tube performance. 17″ short neck 110″ picture tune for briefcase slim styling. White gloves not included.

103 Kinky Hose

Posted on November 9, 2013 by Skullard

It’s that time of year again when we start to play the gifting game. What do I get Frank? What does Frank deserve? Did Frank give me anything last year? Does it matter? Am I under some kind of social contract with Frank that excludes me from just ignoring that cheapskate altogether? How about a card? A gift card? Does Frank have the base intelligence to even use a gift card? And what kind of card? Denny’s? Amazon? Bed, Bath & Boner-pills? Wait, will these companies even ship to where Frank lives? How much do I want to spend on this asshole? Are we even still related? When was the last time we even talked on the phone? If I died, would Frank even show up at the memorial service? If he did, would he speak? What would he say? “Hi, I’m Frank, and I really didn’t know the deceased all that well, but they never forgot a holiday. Crappy taste in presents though.” Ah fuck you, Frank. You get nothing now based on that entirely made up scenario. Who’s next, Mom? She’s so old she won’t even be around for my funeral. Well, fuck her then too. Hey, this is working out. Who else can I eliminate?

When Skullard tried to paraphrase some of the stats on population growth, he botched it up royal. Here’s Thom Hartmann (not “Dan” . . . Skullard, you knuckle-head!) with the actual numbers and hope for saving the world.

Why burgle people? You know that some of them have axes, right? And they’re former competitive axe-throwers? What’s the matter with you? By the way, you have to love this coverage of the story. Great use of Google Maps and Flintstones sound effects.

With a new decade dawning like a warm sun of hope, 1960 was a year promising the best of everything to the American family. There was technology, convenience, comfort and the casual subjugation of the women folk. But every societal sundae needs a little whipped cream on top, and the Brunswick corporation was right there with family fun on steroids – bowling! Take a dip in the luscious pond of white chocolate that is bowling in America with The Golden Years (1960).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Here are TWO postcards featuring the great Ronnie Gaudern, true champion of the lanes. If you’d like to visit the Ronnie Gaudern and His “Columbia 300” Bowling Ball Fan Club, you can always click the link. I’ve personally seen Ronnie’s picture on various web pages and once on a poster at the Mall of America. It just goes to show what a champion bowler can accomplish in this world.

“Hey babeh . . . how you doin’?”

102 The Best In Doorknobbery

Posted on November 2, 2013 by Skullard

Another Halloween is behind us with not a single Trick-or-Treater arriving at our doorstep. That means all the Cadbury Screme Eggs we’ve set aside (read “hoarded”) will just have to be consumed by the two of us, all by our lonesome. Damn. Perhaps if we can control ourselves, we’ll be able to make them last until the original Easter versions come out. Yeah, as if.

We shared a few eggs with Kitty. We’re not complete hogs. Besides, we have four times that many still in the cupboard.

“Mommy, my tooth hurts.”
“Aw, that’s okay Becky. This gives us an excuse to use our Dentidrill. I just happen to have it out on the kitchen counter.”
“Drill time? Oh joy! Race you to the couch! La-la-la, la-la-la.”
Gawd in hebbin, please say this isn’t real.

Poor Jimmy can’t go on the picnic today with all his friends. Why? Because he’s a clueless, self-destructive twit who’s a danger to himself and anyone in a half-mile radius. “Common Sense Day” was invented with idiots like Jimmy in mind. Watch this kid barely thwart basic evolutionary principles in Why Take Chances (1952).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The Kellogg Company of Battlecreek, Michigan can provide your medical or dental office with the finest in examination chairs and equipment. But why would you spend money with these jokers when all you need is a comfy couch and some pillows? Buncha cheap chislers (the Kellogg Company that is, not dentists).

101 Spoopy

Posted on October 26, 2013 by Skullard

hALLOWeen

On Halloween in days of yore
Costumed kids ran door to door
But you don’t see that anymore
Since parents were infected
By tales of needles in candy bars
And heedless children hit by cars
“Oh that can’t happen, not to ours
My child must be protected.”

So they take their kids to the well-lit mall
Or a “Harvest Fair” celebrating Fall
And kids are never scared at all
Because their parents are enlightened
But if they were allowed outside
They might wonder what the darkness hides
And no child should ever be denied
The fun of being frightened

So let werewolves howl, let ghosts say “boo”
Let vampires bite a neck or two
Let witches ‘round their cauldrons brew
Their fearsome formulations
Let zombies rise and walk about
Let banshees wail, let goblins shout
“It’s Halloween!” before bringing out
Your Christmas decorations

Wondering what all the spoopiness is about? Here’s the Buzzfeed article that has made “Spoopy” this year’s Halloween meme.

James Creighton had a visit from the cops because his Halloween display was too scary for some crybaby pussy kid who’s mommy probably still wipes his poopy butt. Click the pic to donate to his charity collection page.

Looking for the perfect gift for that toxic gas-bag in your life? Consider Shreddies, the flatulence-filtering underwear. At least one end of your mother-in-law will become more tolerable.

Remember: only losers read gravestones.

It’s important to have beliefs in life, unless those beliefs lead to . . . murder! Get your head right, chum! Stop thinking like and unsafe nitwit that does unlicensed electrical work. Rid yourself of Six Murderous Beliefs (1955), you sissy!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: scaring the young’uns . . . it’s what this holiday’s all about, ain’t it?

100 Thunderous Applause

Posted on October 19, 2013 by Skullard

We did it! We made it all the way to one hundred episodes. Why? Better not to think about it. Instead, let’s think about the future. Now that we’ve made it to the 100 mark, what should be our next goal? Skullard thinks we should have at least one episode for every Hello Kitty in the house. That should take us squarely into retirement age. Another goal might be to rehearse songs once or twice before trying to play them on the podcast. Nah, let’s not be silly.

The Bronze Tiger has appeared in Starling City! Hey buddy, Wolverine would like his brass knuckles back. Beige Monkey says to start terrorizing the city without him and Teal Wombat should be along shortly with beer and snacks.

Only true Canadians can open these mysterious boxes and access the wonders that are securely hidden inside. And what might that treasure be? It ain’t maple syrup.

This cake is neither a lie, nor is it lying.

Since we’re Celebrating the Mind this week, what better time to build brainy muscles? And what better way to learn how to flex those neurons than to watch Keeping Mentally Fit (1952)? “There there, Tommy. We all have mental problems.”

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: anyone who’s listened to Luka knows to truth of this postcard . . .

And even though I’ve shown you this before, who could ever get tired of my Cornell Brain Collection postcard? It was one of the first postcards I ever picked up, and I stuck it on my dorm-room wall where it inspired me to learn and achieve. And look how well that worked out.

099 Negative Space

Posted on October 12, 2013 by Skullard

Witches, super villains, serial killers, bullies for hire, Luka’s mother . . . my, but there are a lot of nasty people out there. Too bad not all of them are fictional. Yes, the world is full of horrible monsters, whether they’re sick, sadistic socialites, high-speed heroine addicts or chicks who pack too much ass into not enough skirt. Don’t they know it’s anti-bullying week? Maybe if they took even just one week off they could see how much easier life could be when they don’t have to go to all the bother of inflicting pain on the population. Think of how much that could free up their schedule. They could take up hobbies like badminton, harpsichordery, or potato stamp printing.

Yes, undertakers do wear top hats. And they do have down time.

Damned if isn’t great to have American Horror Story Coven to watch. Bates, Basset and Lang make either the most frightful flock of furies or a law firm you do NOT want to fuck with.

Madam Marie Delphine LaLaurie was one sick, horrendous bitch. The more you learn about her, the harder it is to believe she wasn’t strung up by her innards. In American Horror Story Coven, they’re going to bring her into the present day. What could possibly go wrong? We believe if she actually was alive today she’d probably find all new ways to express her sadism. Publishing e-books, for example.

Okay, Madchen Amick goes starkers through a fair bit of Witches of East End. Not bad for a lady in her 40’s, right? Past that, there’s nothing to see here folks.

Oh, Arrow! Now here’s a show you can sit back, snarf snacks, sneer, scoff and snark to your heart’s content. And yet somehow you’re always glad to see more.

Distracted driving? Yeah, we’ll guess that shooting up with heroine could be a bit more of a distraction than finding just the right jam on your iPod.

Okay nerds, here you go: Who Would Win? Graviton VS Magneto. They’re both very attractive men (*snicker*) with huge . . . power levels. Go to our Facebook Page and tell us who you think would come out on top in a head to head battle. Give reasons. Get nerdy. Luka will read what you have to offer on next week’s podcast.

What could be more hilarious than watching a little boy get run over by a car? Why, seeing him develop multiple personalities as a result. So, what’s wrong with playing in the street? Find out by watching this week’s educational short: Dick Wakes Up (1954).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The Top Hat Diner, where high calories meets high society. Undertakers eat free.

098 It Happens In Your Mind

Posted on October 5, 2013 by Skullard

Today is Do Something Nice Day. So we’re doing something nice and posting up a new episode. What more do you want. C’mon, it’s raining outside. And it’s windy. You want us to put on clothes and shit and actually go out and do something nice for somebody? That would involve some level of discomfort, and how dare you demand that of us? Leave us alone, we’re doing enough as it is. And what are you doing? Sitting here reading a screen, you sponge. You’re no better than we are, you judgmental jerk. And having said that, thus concludes our good deed of the day. Pay it forward, asshole.

If you’re going to only watch one show we talked about, watch Breaking Bad. If you’re looking for a second one, try What Remains. It’s quite good.

Franco Scaramuzza stops (not “foils”) a robbery in funny pants. Watch him get interviewed by a chicken.

You’ve gotta try Steve’s Pepper Sauce. When it comes to kickin’ flavor, yeah, Steve’s the boss. For a taste you won’t believe, come try Steve’s!

Don’t take candy from strangers, don’t hitchhike, don’t play near the restrooms, don’t walk down back alleys, and stay out of church if you live in Boston. All but one of these great pieces of advice are offered to a girl who by rights should have ended up in a ditch somewhere in this disturbingly cheerful classic The Strange Ones (1969).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Ah, the days of family viewing. The days you relegated one kid to sitting on the floor so you could swat the back of his head to let him know it was time to scoot up and change the channel. That’s right, instead of batteries the remote was powered by apples.

097 Who Wouldn’t

Posted on September 28, 2013 by Skullard

Somehow, between being held up by near-fatal traffic accidents and surprise visits from good and deserving aunts, we ended up watching a lot of TV. Probably because we had a lot of TV to watch. With the new season of shows starting up, checking out the new offerings from the various networks can start to pile up and feel like homework. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that this isn’t Pokémon; we don’t have to catch them all. Sure, we’re going to watch the more bizarre offerings like Sleepy Hollow, but there’s only so many hours in a week. If it comes down to choosing between a sit-com like the Micheal J Fox Show and watching a BBC four-parter like What Remains, the British win the war every time. And hot Asian girl aside, Dads isn’t going to tear eyes away from a half decent iPad app even on a bad day. It’s good to try new things, but we’re looking forward to whittling down this season to a reasonable watching schedule. Reasonable for US, we should say. Don’t feel like you have to keep up with our bad habits.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a prime-time commercial for Marvel’s movie franchises with a whole lot of brains and money backing it up. Notice the attractive hacker chick and geek girl thrown in to give the hardcore basement dwellers and Bronie types boners of hope.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has Ming-Na Wen playing Melinda May to fill the show’s requisite “Hot Asian” quotient, but the sit-com Dads has Brenda Song. Sometimes even special effects can’t beat real life.

Hey kids, those cans daddy brought home sure look cute and fun-filled. Look, even your good friend Hello Kitty is there on the can dressing up as cute fruit. It’s gotta be something he bought for you to drink, right? Bottoms up!

Persian: Fried cinnamon roll smothered in thick, fluffy pink frosting. ‘Nuff said.

Oh no! Breaking Bad is ending on Sunday. How will it end? You decide.

Luka mentioned that one of the theories on how Breading Bad will end will be reminiscent of the classic Marty Robbins country ballad “El Paso”, as dramatized here by the imitable Steve Martin.

Who knew that a young girl’s first period was something that the whole neighborhood could enjoy? Join in the fun with Molly Grows Up (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Coffee and doughnuts, every cop’s lifeblood. Sunday is Coffee Day, so celebrate the most socially acceptable chemical addiction by staining your teeth and irritating your bladder. (The preceding message brought to you by the Cola Foundation.)

OVA Cliptacular!

Posted on September 21, 2013 by Skullard

Due to insomnia and horrific traffic accidents, What Could Go Wrong brings you an exciting clip show! Please sit back and enjoy Time To Learn, A Few Moments Of Drama and Skullard rambling about his postcard collection. How long will Bent Billy wait?!

OVA: We Know What We Did This Summer

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Skullard

Well, the summer’s over. It’s time to drag your smelly carcass back to school or to work, with only the memories of your vacation to sustain you until next year. But don’t despair, dumbass! You can make yourself feel better by listening to Skullard and Luka regale you with their thrilling tales of mundane and utterly pointless adventure.

What kind of excitement can you expect? Birthday cakes made of ground meat and topped with dead mice! Quiche and inanely rambling old women with a grudge against Germany! Boomboxes plunging into birdbaths when everybody refused to dance now! Mysterious appearing and disappearing church signs! Unnecessary juice coupons! Enraging trip to the tire store while hubcaps attempt to make their escape! Posters at the Post Office! Endlessly shrieking children at Walmart! Quarters inserting themselves into Luka’s butt-crack and then later disguising themselves as batteries! Killer wasps loose in the bathroom! Weenie boogers!

During our trip to the antique store, Luka became charmed with an old sign reading “SPRATT’S CAT FOOD: Puts Pussy In Fine Form“. It comes in packets! They also make dog food and some kind of powder for canaries. Delicious!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection; Our newest find is a funny little card sent back in 1921, from a young lady in Wolfville to her friend in college. It reads “Hello you sweet little bunch of sour grapes! Have they done this to you yet? I got your dejected and mournful puppy dog and was pleased to see him but I’m afraid he won’t be cheered up very soon or Lucy’s essay will never be typed. Congratylations Miss Fash on getting your Literary A. The tavern is an awful touch without you. Jean and I had to go up to it last night and rouse a little life in it. La la old thing – give my love to the rest of the gang! And if you’d drop another line perhaps you’d get a bigger bit. -Marion”

What Could Go Wrong?

Spitting in the eye of a spiteful universe!

Author Archives: Skullard