This week we talk sports, which is something we rarely do. Possibly because we can’t even agree on what a “sport” is. Luka holds that a sport is athletic competition, while Skullard thinks a sport needs an objective scoring system. Usually this isn’t a problem, but bring up figure skating and all of a sudden the gloves come off (hockey reference). Fortunately, we’re able to come back together and agree that incestuous hillbillies shouldn’t eat the flesh of albino alligator victims. We also concur that it’s not a good idea to let your antiques animate and roam the countryside looking for innocent bystanders to lick.

The Pope says, “Give peace a chance.” The predators say, “Sure, I’ll take a piece of that.”

What is a Marmot? It’s a blood-thirsty killer that will rip your neck open with it’s nasty fangs! It’s got a CR of 9 and 87 hit points. It’s also adora-balls.

Animated Umbrella Monster says: “Clean out those closets and recycle, kids!”

The Duke of Wrong, the Man Himself – Myk Lewis has a new comedy site along with his old pal and co-conspirator Steve Cox. Check out all they have to offer from the depths of Al Capone’s Vault! (It wasn’t as empty as you were told.)

Nell sez that your secretarial pool has turned into a gaggle of gossiping geese, and she would know. In fact, I heard Sally say she overheard the boss telling the Pittsburg office over the phone that gossip had become a real problem around here. How can you stop gossip in the workplace? Fire all those mouthy broads, that’s how. But hear it all for yourself from The Grapevine (1953).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Grandma, can you teach me to make a pie?

Mmmm, Uncle Pie!

This week Skullard is accused of being the kind of person who expresses his overly negative opinions on the internet by people who have never even heard the podcast. He is also accused by Luka of being full of shit when it comes to the history of Thomas Crapper, which turns out to be true. Mr. Crapper did NOT invent the modern toilet, although he was a fine plumber and greatly enhanced the design. And we were all full of Crapper when it comes to Humpty Dumpty who, as it turns out, was never an egg but was Humphrey Dempsey, a Chicago city alderman in the early 1920’s. Mr. Dempsey was brought up on corruption charges and removed from office when it was revealed that he was handing out preferential contracts to a local crime boss. Specifically, the reconstruction of a collapsed retaining wall that ran along five miles of train tracks in the Chicago stock yards was held up by Dempsey for more than a year in order to favor a bid from his “good friend” Mitchell King. A prominent construction magnate, King was also heavily involved in prostitution, gambling and loan sharking because who wants to buy a shark, really? You use it for a weekend and then it sits in the garage for the next several years flopping around and eating vagrants. Better just to rent one, and King was in that business. And since he was also in the business of renting women, King sent some of his rental property to the district attorney prosecuting Dempsey to see if he might drop the charges along with his trousers. The D.A. was having none of it though, because he had access to a secretarial pool in the 1920’s. When the sexy stuff didn’t work, King sent some of his bigger goons around the D.A.’s place to give him a good talking to. But the crafty lawyer was better at talking than a bunch of goons, as well might be imagined, and King’s enforcers took up new jobs in the Chicago Police Department where they could brutalize people all they wanted and get a pension. So as you can see, Humphrey Dempsey sat on the wall, Humphrey Dempsey had a great fall (from public office), and all of King’s whores and all of King’s men couldn’t pressure the D.A. to drop the charges. Thank gawd for Wikipedia.

Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe is currently Skullard’s favorite show each week for reasons that are both varied and delightful in their gossamer delicacy. One of those more varied and less delicate bits is Doug Stanhope, the relentless bludgeon of comedy, known to Luka only as “That Terrible Man”.

Also featured on Weekly Wipe is Philomena Cunk, animated gif and crowd participant, who’s mind may well be perfection if you’re into that sort of thing.

C’mon Bob, you know that without the right amount of rest and Dairy Council approved meals you’ll never get better at football. Or bowling. Or with that tramp girlfriend who’s now all interested in that other milk-drinking guy. Get your act together with It’s All In Knowing How (1951).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: According to the postcard, “These five cows represent the Brown, Swiss, Jersey, Holstein, Ayrshire and Guernsey breeds. The beauty of each is an inspiration to every breeder of dairy cattle.” Fuckin’ A!

Hello, Skullard here. It’s that time of year again when snow falls, roads ice over and the lowly delivery man is put to the holiday test. In case you’ve been wondering, I’ve failed that test day after long, frigid day. Truth is, I’m wrung out like an old wash rag. But that’s where Luka (the Ever Amazing) comes to the rescue and stiches together a clip show with all the craft and care of a Dr. Frankenstein making himself a new friend. Here’s an offering of uplifting classics to see you through your own pre-holiday hell in one easy-to-share-with-everyone-you-know-so-we-can-get-our-download-numbers-back-up form. Enjoy!