You come to a door. This door is unlocked by the key of your imagination or the battering ram of your relentless ire. Hey, who locked this door? What are they hiding? What do they not want us to see? I thought this was supposed to be a show, but now they’re shutting us out and locking shit. In our experience, when God closes one door he opens a Starbucks. Yes, coffee, that’s what we need. We need some stimulant for our imagination because that’s the key to unlock the goddamn door. Y’know what, fuck the door. There’s gotta be a window to this place, right? You come to a window that is smashed by the rock of your short attention span. Alright we’re in. We’re going to have to sweep up now, but we’re in. Where’s that broom of our guilt and the dustpan of our failure?

Say what you will, Rod Serling had a way of grabbing your attention right out of the gate.

The best way to sell a movie is show everybody their favorite scene from a whole different movie. That’s how they sold us Psycho II.

If Skullard wasn’t already snipped, our recent trip to the grocery store would have had him on the phone booking an appointment. This commercial takes that idea and runs with it.

What’s more educational than a synopsis of a few days in the life of a typical Caucasian family with horrendous teeth? Honestly, when Fifi the poodle got out of the yard, we were going to shit our pants. But the producers of this film didn’t stop there, the psycho bastards. There was an Easter egg coloring sequence. And a board got nailed. Just how much stimuli do these assholes think we can take? Find out if you can take the excitement of bringing in firewood AND mixing cookie dough all in one day by watching Jay Can Do It . . . can you!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Do I talk too much about TV? Am I watching too much? I mean, sometimes a show will get into my head and I’ll keep thinking about it. Maybe I even obsess a little. I dunno, do you think I have a problem?

Now you put down that bag of M&Ms, listener. No need for more than one. You’ve already had your pizza and cupcakes and you’re going to need to save a little room for after the podcast when we have cake. And pie. And a special ring-toss game using doughnuts and pixie sticks. You should probably take a moment to cleanse your pallet with a nice 64 oz. soda or a root beer float. And if you start feeling a little queasy at any time, I’ve brought a bottle of Hershey’s Syrup. It coats, soothes and relieves.

Spoonerism Day is coming up this week, and Dullard skid a jousey lob explaining to Spooka what a lunerism is. It’s the weginning of birds sweating gitched around when seeing billy. But rather than having it explained by us, here’s a click quaster mass on the topic from Two Ronnies.

The Toxic Avenger (1984) was the most successful TROMA film by far which isn’t as impressive as it sounds and it didn’t even sound that impressive to begin with. If you like your crime fighters melted, mutated and wearing a tutu, see this film and then see a professional. He’s got a face only a blind, dogless girlfriend could love. But not to worry; some of his bodily fluids aren’t completely acidic.

Utopia is back. You’ve been warned.

If you’re feeling nostalgic about those awkward teen years when your friends were all self-centered jerks and they were the nicer people in the room, you’ll love this fond look back at hetero-pairing called Dating (1970).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Luka ponders.

We are happy. Since recording this episode, the new Sailor Moon anime did come out and we watched it. (Deep breath) SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh, how we loved it. It was all pretty and colorful and almost frame-for-frame consistent with the original manga. Our nerdy little souls sing with otaku joy.

But enough about our drug of choice. Let us speak here of deeper things like college. Most of Skullard’s song was absolutely true. He can tell you why the Apostle Paul was so touchy on the subject of circumcision. You see, the early church in Galatia thought in order to be a proper Christian, you had to be a proper Jew first. And that meant trimming the fat, as it were. So a lot of potential early converts said, “Y’know, your church seems nice and all, but considering the price of admission, I’m gonna pass.” Or they’d say, “I don’t need Jesus so much that I’m slicing my junk.” So Paul said, “Stop with the putz-peeling, you persnickety penis pruning prudes! God accepts the whole man, as it were.” He even got so incensed by the topic that he suggested “As for those agitators, they should go the whole way and emasculate themselves.” (Gal. 5:12) Or, in layman’s terms, “If you feel so strongly about it, why don’t you just go ahead and cut your dick off.” And that, dear listeners, is one of the few things retained all these years after college. You can’t tell us that wasn’t worth it, right? Hooray for higher ed!

Old vs. New – The girl’s still got it!

Just in case you were wondering, there are Magical Boys as well. Here ya go, ladies.

If you really want to show a hotshot he’s not all that hot, swipe his car, pick up some Marsha Bradys, go play in another car in a ravine, and then play Grand Theft Auto some thirty years before Xbox. That’ll show him. And now we show you this – Joy Ride (1976).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: This Is (was) America! An up-to-date picture would probably show a customer call center manned by inmates in a for-profit prison. Keep it free indeed. In the meantime, what’s the internet speed in Ireland?

We keep going back to these internet freeloaders who see their need for garage upgrades just as worthy a cause as dialysis for eight year old violin prodigies. It’s flabbergasting what people will ask for. And yet, had the internet been live and available when we were young ‘uns, would we have taken to the ether to beg for goodies? If so, just what goodies would we have pleaded to the masses for?

1. Money for Summer camp so we wouldn’t have had to wash windows, collect newspapers and memorize bible verses for cash.
2. Money for band trips so we wouldn’t have had to sell cookie dough, candy bars, cheese, and poinsettias while also washing cars, shoveling driveways, and working concessions at football games of teams who never once had to raise a cent for uniforms, equipment or trips because hey, it’s football man!
3. A guitar that was the right size for small hands so Skullard wouldn’t have given up lessons in the third grade only to try again and like it after high school, teaching himself and becoming a hack player.
4. A llama.
5. The full run of MAD magazine in mint condition.
6. Money to hire professionals to do the yard work our parents apparently conceived children in order to avoid doing themselves.
7. All the money back that was constantly stolen by a younger brother from the underwear drawer and by a mother who had an ATM card.
8. A friend.

Sometimes upgrades are important. You don’t want to go cheap on appliances and get stuck with a piece of crap (are you listening Mr. Landlord?). Getting the right appliance might cost a bit more, or a lot more, or more than your stingy-gut husband wants to spend, but in the end everyone will be happy you made a wise purchase under penalty of death. Find out the rewards of wise buying practices in Once And Forever (1956).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Success? Why are these jokers going about it the hard way? All you have to do is get enough people to send you money and you can be a millionaire by the age of 27.

Parents, right? Unless you’re an orphan, in which case, dramatic destinies of greatness, right? But if you have the parental units, don’t you wish they came with fine-tuning knobs? “Okay, let’s turn up the interest in movies, turn down the guilt and adjust the level of Facebook interaction to somewhere around zero.” Or how about installing a mute button? Don’t get us wrong; we love some of our parents. We’re bound to feel awful once they’re gone or so they keep reminding us. It’s just that these people don’t seem to realize we don’t need them in the same way we used to when we were young and dependent on them for survival. We can feed ourselves now. We pay our own way. We’re getting pretty good at either making moral and ethical decisions or avoiding them with large amounts television. It’s not necessary for Mommy and Daddy to be so involved now, though having the laundry done for us again might be nice. Parents need to figure out that we’re like cats: we’ll come to you for affection and attention in our own time and on our own terms and you’ll be ever so charmed by us. Parents, on the other hand, with their need for regular attention and vague desire to help in some way, are more like the dog you leave with your brother when you move. The brother you’re still speaking to, of course.

What Makes A Good Party? According to the experts of 1950, you need a gaggle of squeaky chicks that like to hold planning meetings and arrange hook ups for gang noobs. Not to mention mixers and enough food to feed the men and the one heavy girl. But will that be enough? Will it!?!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Wondering where to stick pins in your dolls to create specific effects? Use this handy chart.

Why would anyone need a fake well in the front yard? Are they trying to fool the neighbors into thinking they don’t need that fancy pants city water? Or are they hoping to dupe foot traffic into tossing change into it in exchange for wishes? Sure, a lot of people use these false wells as planters, but a lot of them just sit there empty as if to say, “Ain’t this a fine well? We own it, but we let you look at it. Lucky you!” Actual wells don’t usually sit in the front yard and no longer rely on the technology of a bucket and a rope. Perhaps the real well is being powered by that fake windmill that never turns and the water is stored in the fake barrel. As if these people didn’t have enough crap to mow around already. If we ever have a yard, it will be gravel, and any wells will be unmarked holes going forty feet down to either water or sharpened sticks. It’s up to you to find out which.

But where is pay?

This is easily the saddest picture we have ever taken.

Too much of a bad thing? Here’s what happens when you push the shiny red button in Cabin In The Woods (2012). Spoilers? Oh, hellz yeah.

Luka has a new boyfriend. Well, he’s an old flame rekindled.

Mel sure is a loud-mouthed punk. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in volume, always spouting off about what he’s seen or who he’s been out with. He also wears a jacket with lapels a lot so bigger guys have something to grab him by. Find out if the gang will take out their post football defeat frustrations by beating down Mel in the middle of the dance floor in The Trouble Maker (1959).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Extra points if you knock off his hat!

Are you smarter than average? You’ve figured out a web browser, so that puts you over a not insignificant segment of the population. Presumably you own and use an MP3 player, so that’s good. If it isn’t filled with Contemporary Christian music, even better. Can you weigh your opinions and beliefs against proven evidence and adjust as needed? Hey, that puts you way over the top. Good for you, you’re smart! Now keep it to yourself. The last thing you need is people finding out you’re intelligent, because once they do, they won’t leave you alone. “Hey, my computer’s really slow. Could you look at it?” “What’s the best kind of mutual fund for my 401K?” “My eight year old is turning into such a slag. Should I beat her?” All of a sudden you’re the mental equivalent to the guy with the pickup who’s friends are all moving. You don’t need that kind of aggravation in your life. Smart people play dumb. Just listen to us; we sound like a couple of idiots. That just shows you how brilliant we really are.

The Crater Lake Monster, as a film, is an eyesore. And the lake it’s set on is no prom queen either. But what about the real Crater Lake? Click here to see a few pics of the the real deal.

DC Comics certainly seems anxious to capitalize on Arrow‘s success. Flash has the advantage to being a direct tie-in with the Hooded Heart-throb. But whereas Oliver Queen is a Studly Do-Right, Barry Allen is more of your “Aw Shucks, I’ll just do my best” kind of kid. Whatta cutie.

Fox is also going to try and join the fun this Fall with Gotham, a prequel series that follows Jim Gordon as he begins his work as a detective in the Big Bad City and meets a bunch of proto-villains and Bat Babies.

And NBC is showing its balls again by taking a chance on Constantine, based on the classic DC title Hellblazer. Every time a major network has tried to do a show based on demons and exorcism, it’s tanked, but Hellblazer was good story telling. Maybe it will work? At least Keanu Reeves isn’t involved this time.

Sara’s parents sure are concerned about their snobby daughter. “Aw Pumpkin, try to like people for whatever they are.”
“You mean judgmental little shits? Sure pops, I’ll get right on that.”
“All these people you don’t like . . . aren’t they happier than you are?”
YES! THAT’S WHY WE HATE THEM! Oh wait, that wasn’t Sara. That was just Skullard projecting. Find out why it’s better to ostracize yourself before the group does it for you in The Snob (1958).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: When it comes right down to it, people aren’t so bad. We’re all the same, really. Everyone just wants to be acknowledged and appreciated for who they are, even though sometimes who they are turns out to be needy, irritating time-sponges. What does it cost us if we merely take a moment and interact with people in a pleasant way? That moment, sure . . . and the next few moments because no one seems able to disengage. Not to mention feigning interest is dishonest, so it costs us our integrity as well. A little shitty chitty-chat greases the bung-hole of social intercourse, and if we didn’t plug that opening, those poor people would end up intercoursing themselves, wouldn’t they?