096 Suck It Up, Quit Whining And Have Fun

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Why waste your Sunday morning bowing and scraping to your silly deity when you could lay about in your filthy underpants listening to What Could Go Wrong? This week Skullard and Luka blather on about many pointless topics that are sure to enchant you. Oh! Such as The Ug Couple, the Hot Guy Gas Station, A Touch of Cloth, the Virgin Mary’s birthday and three-way goat fuckery! Wow! Will the entertainment never cease? (Yes, it will. We had to eat cheese pizza and cream-filled chocolate donuts.)

Are you brimming with ungodly arrogance like Skullard and Luka? Alright then you smartass, why not try your hand at The Deck of Many Things? Perhaps you will win fabulous treasures, the likes of which you have never seen! Or maybe you’ll be cursed to an eternity of misery and disease. Whee! Uncertainty is fun!

Did we gush on enough about A Touch of Cloth? Well, have you started watching it? If not, more gushing is called for.

Remember kids: it’s no fun to fall down and get hurt all the time, and everybody will hate you! For crying out loud, haven’t you got any Skateboard Sense (1975)?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: sometimes spiritual nagging comes in handy postcard form. Go to church every Sunday! Don’t forget to dress like a total prat. Be thou faithful unto death. Death, I say!


And if that wasn’t enough of a guilt trip to get your ass back to church, how about THIS? Your non-conformity makes puppies and kittens sad! You don’t want to make innocent fluffy critters weep for your lost soul… DO YOU?!

095 Om Nom Nom

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KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! It’s time for another thrilling episode of What Could Go Wrong! Are you excited? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! We’re going to give you some of your favorites this week, like Time To Learn and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! um, and one of Luka’s Bad Movie Reviews! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! You’ll also hear Skullard sing KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I SAID, you’ll also hear Skullard sing about one of our newest favorite products and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! and then we’ll KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! Oh, for fuck’s sake’s! How hard is it to remember your godamn keys?! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Luka’s Bad Movie Review returns this week with Sharknado, SyFy Channel’s desperate attempt to syphon off viewers from both the Weather and Discovery Channels without actually offering anything either audience would like. This movie isn’t going to teach you anything new about sharks except they can survive outside the water longer than you’d guess, can bite through anything but a rope they happen to be climbing and are surprisingly aerodynamic. It also won’t teach you anything new about tornados unless you consider dispersing them with homemade bombs new information. The CGI is relentless and hokey, continuity is like a tossed salad with peas and Altoids, and the acting suggests that the production budget included a postage meter for everyone who decided to mail it in. On the upside, who knew that retired surfers had such a strong sense of responsibility toward their fellow man? So grab your +2 Barstool of Bludgeoning and watch the trailer for Sharknado, and you’ll believe a shark can fly. Or be flung. Or plummet at the very least.

Did we go on enough about Steve’s Onion and Garlic Pepper Sauce? Not nearly enough? In that case, click on the banner to learn more about the “It’s made for the flavor” pepper sauce that “just tastes great”!

Since you haven’t had an educational short to educate the heck out of you in quite a while, Luka offers The Adventures of Junior Raindrop (1948)! Be amazed as an unwilling young raindrop takes his first trip to mother Earth, only to begin a horrible life of sadistic crime. Why did he change his alignment? I’ll give you a hint; it’s all YOUR fault.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hot enough for ya?

OVA Cliptastic!

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You don’t want to hear Skullard cough. You don’t want to hear Luka stuffed up with enough phlegm to clog a ShopVac (TM). But you still want your weekly dose of WRONG, right? So here’s a hot, heaping helping of vintage wrongness to tide you over till next week when both Skullard and Luka move beyond their current snot-based existence. AND if you’ve been thinking about telling people you know about the podcast but were never sure about which one to shove down their gullet, this OVA would be a great taste-test for the uninitiated. Spread it around like the cold someone gave Skullard who then shared it with Luka. Let’s make this an audio pandemic! Wheeeeee!

094 Pineapples and Kumquats

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What do you do when things go wrong? When your plans fall flat, what’s your back up? Around here, it turns out, we podcast. We had every intention to enjoy a night at the theater, and we paid our admission and parked our butts in a couple of aisle seats. But then calamity struck and the show got cancelled. Sure, we got our money back, but then what? Hit the strip clubs? Heat up quarters with a lighter, then throw them out the car window at passing hobos? Play canasta? None of those things! Instead we headed straight home and turned on the microphones so you wouldn’t have to miss one second of our pathetic butt-hurt. That’s the thing about self-pity: even though it’s all about you, it’s only any fun if you share.

Click on the banner for Blowpaste! That’s right, we proudly endorse this premium toothpaste/oral lube whole-heartedly now. Why? Well . . . because they said nice things to us. We don’t get a lot of positive reinforcement around here. Flatter us a little and we’ll go to mat for you. That’s just the kind beaten-down dogs we are. Blowpaste! When you say “Blowpaste“, you’ve said a mouthful.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Now here’s a charming couple. Is this supposed to be Archie and Betty? If so, Betty needs to dial back on the lip stick a little. She certainly seems to enjoy sucking cream from his straw. The way Archie is leering, he doesn’t seem to mind. Think he’s going to try and take her cherry? Okay, these kind of lines are too easy. Considering that Sunday the 18th is Bad Poetry Day, Skullard offered to write a bad poem about a postcard of Luka’s choice and this is the card she picked. What follows is the poem he wrote, destined to be included one day in an anthology entitled “Poems For The Lowest Common Denominator.”

From their very first encounter at the Walgreen’s soda counter
He knew he had to mount her so he asked her out right there
She didn’t seem insulted and his spirit was exalted
When she said, “Buy me a malted and maybe we can share.”

She acted fairly flirty and though she said nothing dirty
Just the way she filled her shirt he nearly came there at the sight
Her straw work was seductive making him feel reproductive
And he thought he might get fucked if he could play his cards just right

He wished he had a roofie to get this girly goofy
Because in honest truth he had no talent in romance
Instead he offered booze he hoped would make her far less choosy
So this soda-fountain floozie would let him in her pants

But she eyed him with a snicker. “Did you really think that liquor
would hit me like a brick?” Her tone suggested it would not
“Look, if you want to pair up, whoever did your hair up
Like some hemorrhoidal flair up should be taken out and shot

“And did your Mommy pick that sweater? If she did then you should get her
Nicer glasses that work better because that one is a miss
And if you want my diagnosis, the judgment of my nose is
That your chronic halitosis stinks worse than buzzard piss

“Plus I’m really quite disgusted how your pants are half-encrusted
And I’m sure your fly is rusted by the seepage from your schlong
And I don’t know who told ya you could buy a girl a soda
And just for that she owed ya something sexy, but they’re wrong”

After such a verbal beating he ended up retreating
Despairing how the meeting didn’t work out like he planned
Back home he sat and pondered on the chance that he had squandered
And through his mind she wandered as he gave himself a hand

093 Not Enough Bleach In The World

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Hurrah! It’s time to butter your windows and sit back to another episode of What Could Go Wrong! We’re always grateful and happy to have you tune in. As a matter of fact, What Could Go Wrong cares about its listeners. We thought we’d provide you with the following important public service announcement; If you’re going to buy an iPhone, don’t do it at the McDonald’s. It’s also not a good idea to hop in your truck and throw bombs at pedestrians while Miss Utah rides shotgun. Maybe you should just try to relax by driving over to your local Starbucks and ordering a big cup of… err… I mean, a large cup… a grande? Is it a… umm… you know. Whatever size is the mostliest. Okay, just have the big size of a low-fat… oh, hell. What’s that thing called again?

Skullard liked Blowpaste so much, he bought the company. No. That’s a total lie. But he DID write a song about it!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: For the price of this cup of coffee, you could provide food for the pets of the homeless weak.

092 Ask About Our Dental Services

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Grab your moth-eaten top hats and bindles and get ready to ride the rails! It’s National Hobo Week! It’s also Intimate Apparel Week. Should we put the hobos in lingerie? Hmmm. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then why not take your children to the Zoo to pet tigers? Are they too scared? Then how about giving them a shovel so they can dig up worms and firearms in your backyard? Oh, fine. Then go ahead and send your kids to summer camp where it’s nice and safe. Meanwhile, you can stop by the local car wash for your bi-yearly tooth cleaning. What could go wrong?

NBC’s newest horror-drama will be airing in October and starring a rather familiar character. What do you think, Skullard? Does it look good, or will it… suck?

Remember the Noid? Not only would this disgusting little goblin make your cheese sticky and your pizza cold, but he had toys and video games in his honor. The first one was for the Commodore 64, so you know it was super good.

Don’t worry, not all pizza delivery is scary news. Domino’s Pizza will go to great lengths to please you. Just look at this cute napkin love note they sent us with our free apology pizza and lava cakes! Thank you, Domino’s!

BEHOLD! The mighty ant! Ants are stronger, smarter, faster and better than any other living thing on earth. Especially YOU.

Impressed by how cool ants are? You should be. Now why not learn how to murder them? Please enjoy this week’s educational short, Goodbye Mrs. Ant (1959)!

Danganropa – The Animation is the anime Skullard keeps calling “Highschool of Dispair” but which highschool isn’t, really? Sure, the school you attended didn’t force you to murder your classmates and execute you horribly if you couldn’t get away with it . . . but you had gym, right? Pep rallies? What they called a salad bar? If our principal had been a sociopathic stuffed bear, we couldn’t have told the difference.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: What are people saying behind your back? Are they whispering about you? Are they sneaking into your apartment at night and looking around? Are they insinuating that you will ruin their pizzas? ARE THEY?

091 Mayonnaise Mania

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What’s worse than a baloney and mayonnaise on white bread sandwich every day for your entire childhood? Being stripped naked and getting your head stuck in a banister, for one thing. Or trying to eat a nice chicken-and-slug burger when a horse walks in and craps in front of you. Or being called relentlessly day and night by a custom Renaissance Fair costume shop. Or having your Mom shove a suppository up your ass every afternoon until you go mad. These are all based on true stories, by the way. Life is full of surprises.

Look, a new baby! What a fucking miracle! What could possibly make this occasion even more wonderful? How about a lump of mayonnaise and a decrepit old hag? Now everything’s perfect!

Gao was really excited to sing for you this week, even if it meant putting his health at great personal risk.

From Skullard’s Post Card Collection: Look, Luka! It’s Duck Dynasty! Or, errr…. Moose Dynasty! See, this idiot shaved his beard and now he’s calling the wrong animal. Oh well, shoot it anyway!

090 Adverse Consequences

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In January of 2008, four people admitted to killing a teenage runaway over a game of Monopoly, the deadliest board of all. The previous April, Hartford police found the battered body of Alexandria Clouse-Desmond, 18, in a microwave oven box in a closet in a Hartford apartment next to a little green motel. Police said Clouse-Desmond was beaten, kicked, stomped with a metal shoe and strangled in an altercation that erupted during a Monopoly game. She died from asphyxiation and poor choices of playmates. Michael Davis, 22, and Darzell Weinstein, 19, pleaded guilty in Hartford Superior Court to accessory to first-degree manslaughter and tampering with evidence and will each serve 18 years in prison unless they roll doubles. Tiara Dixon and Leslie Caraballo, both 19, pleaded guilty to accessory to commit first-degree manslaughter and will serve 12 years. The prosecutor in the case, John Fahey said the original murder charges were reduced because all of the suspects suffer from some form of mental illness, presumably the same illness that leads people to believe that Monopoly is fun. The defense attorney did try to use his “Get out of Jail free” card, but the judge said no.

Laura Chavez, a 60 year-old New Mexican woman, was drinking and playing a game of Monopoly (BAD combination!) with her grandson and her boyfriend, Clyde “Butch” Smith. When Chavez suspected Smith of cheating, she sent her grandson to bed and proceeded to hit Smith over the head with a bottle and then stabbed him repeatedly with a kitchen knife. It’s always good to send the kiddies to bed before having “grown-up time” with your boyfriend . . . such as assaulting him with deadly weapons. The fight was because he was trying to take all the Free Parking money and Chavez asserted, “There is no such thing as Free Parking money. This is craziness!” That’s right, this woman knows from ‘craziness‘. Smith was covered in cuts to his head and wrist and was hospitalized, which was fine because he didn’t feel like staying the night anyway. The EMTs used a little wheelbarrow to put him into a little racecar and sped him away. When police got to the scene, they found Chavez under her porch covered in blood. A little Scottie dog had sniffed her out down there. They asked her if it was Smith’s blood and she said, “Yes. I fucked him up,” because honesty is important. She went directly to jail and did not pass “GO”.

How the hell did we miss THIS STORY?

This is Luka’s favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon. Get ready for memory lane.

016 – Baton Bunny from trepo on Vimeo.

One of Skullard’s favorite Bugs Bunny cartoons, Rabbit Punch (which is full of violence and cheating at sports) can be watched right here!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Yeah, it was a bit hot in the apartment this week . . .

089 The Deadliest of Vegetables

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Luka and Skullard have been together since 1998, but as of Sunday it’s actually been twelve full years of marriage. Where has the time gone? In some ways, it seems like it’s flown by. They say that time does the whole flying thing when you aren’t paying attention due to other more fun things going on. That’s us in a nutshell, which is a place we’re used to by now. We’re just two nuts sharing the same shell and loving the close proximity that such an arrangement provides. Granted, the shell in question may be Demon Lord Dante Tower (Demon Lord Dante!?!), but anywhere is paradise when you’re in good company. Thanks for listening and joining us for this little podcast/anniversary party. Don’t worry that you didn’t bring a gift. We’ll just say you paid for the free pizza.

July 20th is National Lollipop Day. I think we may have something here worth celebrating.

Rhubarb chutney – a weapon of mass destruction! Luckily for the public, this would never be allowed on an airplane.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: On July 14th, 2001, these two dorky, loner onions celebrated the joyful fact that they had found each other and joined together in holy vegetable matrimony. Immediately, there was an outcry from the religious right about how this multi-layered couple were an affront to traditional marriage. But they persevered, and now they’re celebrating their 12th anniversary, putting their affection on display for the whole world to see, almost as brazen as that wanton slag Deborah Harry.

088 No Parking

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Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? Hillbillies who scream obscenities and leave rotting trash in the hallway? Hookers who bring their Johns over all hours of the day and night? Young college couples who break up on the front lawn and then spend the next few days hurling insults and bits of furniture at one another as they move out separately? Old folks who watch TV at top volume past midnight? Toddlers who scream and wail into the wee hours of the morning? Frat boys who have parties every day of the week and drive dune-buggies in tiny circles round and round the parking lot? Depressed wantwits who moan and grumble to everyone and no one in particular? Are THESE the people that you meet when you’re walking down the street? The people that you meet each day? Sigh….

The mighty pile of dirt has turned verdant. Seems to be a lot of nutrients in that soil, which begs the question: who’s buried under there?

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Hey, Grump-Butt down there in Apartment #3! Don’t be a grouchy old Don’t Bee. Society will loathe and shun you!