Category Archives: entertainment

056 Hither And Nyan

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Our first attempt at this episode was a dismal failure, as opposed to those light-hearted, optimistic failures you’ve come to know and tolerate. So, we tossed it. We gave up. We quit. We cursed ourselves as twats and peons and foul smelling vermin. Looking back, perhaps we were a triffle hard on ourselves. But then we visited cats, ate about a pound of Jo-Jos and watched the K-On! movie. Then somewhere, in our over-the-counter AND prescription drug accelerated slumbers, as the night sanded over the rough and pointy peaks of the previous day, iron re-entered our spines and strength infused our sinews. The lights in our eyes were re-kindled. Somehow resolve poured back into our fibers and we woke with with a new spring in our step and song in our hearts. We were bucked, quite bucked indeed. Caffeine helped as well. But we looked at each other and we knew . . . we had to try again. We were not quitters. As the anime lyric says, “We are never give up!” So we fired up the microphones, grabbed some baking soda, and doused the conflaguration. Then we just turned them on so we could record, and record we did, despite that acrid burnt foam smell. And here you have it: not the first attempt, but the one we enjoyed. We hope you enjoy it too and, with us, learn a valuable lesson: even when things go wrong, you can always start over and try again. You’re welcome for the free plug, divorce lawyers.

In Luka’s Bad Movie Review, an unlikeable couple, their whining daughter, and their short-lived poodle happen across a castle/shack, a weird hobo and the most terrifying ambiguous baddie of all – The Master! Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) is a Lousy Unintentionally Bad Movie which features the dumbest henchman ever, and a very bizarre cat-fight. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat itself a little. It repeats itself. A little. It also tends to repeat itself a little. Repeat repeat repeat itself a little.

There is no way out of here. But don’t worry. You can spend the night. Torgo will get your luggage.

The Master’s wives must make their decision. Man, yes. Child, no! Catfight! Catfight! Nyan! Nyan!

Please enjoy Rifftrax’s version of Manos, in theatres near you on August 16, 2012. The Master would approve!

“All Aboard! Ha ha ha!” Those are the words of Ozzy Osbourne. Thomas happily rolled his eyes. Then Thomas chugged while Mr. Osbourne continued to enchant us with his musical performance. There were many antics and non-lethal train wrecks to follow! Thomas crashed into snowbanks, ditches, barns and several of his companions. He tooted cheekily at Gordon! Gordon got cross. Later, in an unrelated incident, Gordon crashed into a wall. James got stuck on a turntable and became dizzy. A crate of treacle fell on Percy, much to his embarrassment. Bill and Ben taunted Boco until he became briefly insane from confusion. Filled with rage, Deisel broke his coupling and fell into a pit. A boulder chased Rusty, and crashed into a building which burst into flame. During these various occurances, the engines eyes googled and their mouths formed the shape of “O”s, signaling their distress. Luckily, no one was hurt. Thomas vanished over a sunsetty bridge into the distance while Ozzy’s enthusiastic tune came to a satisfying conclusion.

Strap a KittyCam on you kitty-cat and find out just how viscious and blood-thirsty you cuddly snuggle-wuggems is.

Welcome to Toad Suck, Arkansas, the most unfortunately named town in the U.S.A.! How it beat Dildo, New Foundland, we’ll never know.

Hey, loser! Don’t you want friends? Women? Money? Don’t you want to become socially acceptable? DON’T YOU? Then please learn from this week’s helpful educational short, Improve Your Personality (1951)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “The BURLINGTON DINER – 4183 SO. HALSTED ST. – CHICAGO, ILL. Since Nov. 27, 1939 *FAMOUS FO GOOD FOOD* Clean and Quick Service Telephone: VIRginia 9078 *THE BEST COFFEE IN TOWN* WE NEVER CLOSE” It’s been gone for years.

You didn’t see this. We didn’t talk about it. Go about your business.

055 Not Completely Satisfied

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For the record, here’s what you have to do:

1. Make a shot of espresso equaling between 1 and 1 1/2 oz. allegedly.

2. Steam 10 oz. milk, like you do.

3. Point your steam wand (YOU’RE a steam wand!) towards the bottom of that stainless steel pitcher you keep tethered to your belt-loop to steam your milk. To create froth, raise the tip just below the surface of the pitcher, or tell a nerd Alan Moore ain’t all that.

4. Pour hot milk in a 12-oz. glass until 3/4 full.

5. Pour the espresso shot into the steamed milk. The glass will now be more full. That’s science.

6. Dust with ground chocolate, cinnamon or nutmeg. Do not dust with dust. You should never leave anything on the counter that long.

There! You now know how to make a latte. You are now over-qualified to work at the coffee shop we go to. Can we come to your house?

1980’s Terror Train is a classic “You picked on me so now, years later, I’m going to kill all of you, one by one, at a party” movie. You would think a guy could get even with a simple flaming bag of dog poop on the door step, but no, it’s gotta be murder. That’s why you should never prank a med school student: they tend to be overachievers. Frat boys trick a nerd into almost getting in bed with a corpse, like they do, and the nerd goes flippo. Ha ha, very funny, but no one considers the feelings of the corpse, do they? Who’s the real victim here? Regardless, years later for a New Year’s party, the frat boys and friends rent a party train. Hey, who’s that conductor, Ringo Starr? Nope, it’s Flippo the Nerd ready to make up for all those dissection classes he missed while he was in the nut-house. Stabby-stabby-stab, screamy-screamy-scream, gag-choke-die. Revenge is pretty simple when all the assholes are stuck on a train with you and there are an unlimited number of disguises you can wear. Luka calls this a Good Unintentional Bad Movie because who hates trains, right? Terror or Thomas, trains are just good, wholesome fun. Toot-toot!

During our ride on Thomas, we passed many of his friends. These including ore boats, retired steamships, classic trains cars, and three trees worth of rotting babies. What the bloody hell?

The family of Aaron Collins have been fulfilling his last wish by going to restaurants and giving the people who wait on them $500 tips. People from all over the country have been donating to this wonderful tribute, and you can go to aaroncollins.org to learn more.

In this week’s thrilling educational short, a bunch of easily amused kids plan a swinging party, complete with a sing-a-long and a paper hat making contest! Wow! Let the good times roll with What Makes A Good Party (1950)!

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Our Loveliest Listener Janette sent me this great postcard which got mailed back in 1911. Believe it or not, that’s older than me, although the guy with the anchor in his britches is the spitting image of yours truly around the age of 20 or so. Not that I was in the habit of hanging around with blimps at that age, or getting high. I was a very down-to-earth lad in my day. And I was never so thrilled to get a wedgie as this dude seems to be. Still, that was back in 1911, so that may have been the only action he was going to see. Plus he’s dead now. I’m not. So, once again, I win!

054 It’s All Very Simple

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When did you learn where babies came from? Luka was only a little girl when her folks gave her “The Pop-Up Book of Reproduction.” POW! That penis came right at you! Skullard, on the other hand, ended up getting The Talk when he was a fifth grader at church. A sweaty, well-meaning youth minister somehow convinced the various parents that Sunday School was the best place for children to learn the rudimentaries of sex ed. Brave man, considering these days he would have been drawn and quartered for even suggesting to church kids that sex exists, much less how doggie style keeps the weight off the girl and allows deeper penetration. Of course, growing up as we did, there was no way either of us could have known the true realities of the intermingling of sperm and egg . . . and we still don’t. We opted out of the whole thing. Turns out, we didn’t need to know where babies came from, just where the contraceptives could be picked up. Once you know how to keep babies from showing up, it’s all very simple. And as the old acronym says, “Keep It Simple, Stupid!” Since we’re not constantly having to buy school supplies, small clothes and Lunchables, we have money to waste on toys for us. And since we don’t have to attend soccer games, teacher conferences or school programs, we can waste time by going to see Thomas the Tank Engine. Who needs a baby? We ARE the kids!

In 1980, Rory Calhoun said to himself, “Rory Calhoun, you’ve done enough of this standing and walking around business. You need to get out there and do something different. Something involving burying people up to their necks in dirt. Something where you can stick a pig on your head and have a chainsaw fight. You’ll never be able to live with yourself if you don’t. Plus, a check would be nice.” And so, Motel Hell came about. Treat yourself to this charming story of inbred cannibalism. In this Good Intentionally Bad Movie, Farmer Vincent has a great marketing plan for his backwoods motel: spiking the tires of hapless passers-by. Oops, need a place for the night? Why not stay here where you can rest and eat some of Vincent’s famous fritters? Mmmmm, tastes like chicken. What’s in ’em? Well, let’s just say “meat’s meat, and man’s gotta eat.” Take a little stroll through the back garden. Are those heads of lettuce? Nevermind. Say, when’s checkout around here?

“Lucky Larry” gets a lift out to sea from his pal and benefactor Don MacKenzie. “The most expensive lobster I never ate.”

A studio apartment with just ONE of these nasties would be too much. But Dylan Baumann lives with 40 of ’em!?! It’s hard to believe that the apartment shortage in Omaha is really this bad.

Just what every 13 year old boy needs: an unalterable body modification.

Oh! What happens when the groceries in the fridge and cupboard run out? How does one obtain more? Such an ordeal must be frought with dangers and rife with befuddling confusion, yes? No! Behold this week’s educational short; Buying Food (1950)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Da hell ya doin’, ya numbskull? Da baby’s all wet now!”

“I’m marinatin’ him. Da hell youse t’ink I’m doin’, nimrod? I’m givin’ him a bat’.”

“You’se can’t wash off baby-stink. Here, let me sponge off da little monster. Youse been spongin’ offa me dis last few years, ’bout time I gets a toin.”

“Don’ get over-excited by his tonger-wubbly.”

“Dat’s his wang? I can’t believe it!”

“I knows, right? I ain’t seen one dat big in dis house fer years.”

“Youse a piece a shit, youse know dat? Miserable, dried-up slag.”

“Hey! Stop callin’ me slag in fronna da fuckin’ baby! I’m his mudder!”

“Geez, did he wizz in dere?”

Mmmmm . . . aebleskivers! This one’s for the ladies. Thanks, Myk!

053 Lotion For My Rash

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*Brrrrrrrr-Ring!*

“Hello? Hello-o? Goddamn it, HELLO!?!”

“Hello, is this Mr. Skullard?”

“I don’t want to buy anything.”

“My name is Denise, and I’m calling from your phone company?”

“You don’t sound sure about that.”

“Haha. I’m not sure if you’re aware that you could be saving a great deal every month with our great deal that we’re offering to a great deal of our customers a great deal of the time by calling a great deal?”

“We’re not interested.”

“Okay, but did you know that doesn’t matter to me and I’m going to keep talking about this new great deal anyway?”

“We’re not interested.”

“Alright, but are you aware I’ve been trained under penalty of death to ignore any statement that isn’t ‘Tell me more’ or ‘Sounds great, I’ll take it’?”

“I kinda guessed, but fuck you.”

“What?”

“You were supposed to ignore that. Let me speak to your supervisor.”

“No, please . . . we don’t have to get Mr. Robards involved.”

“Get him on the line, Denise.”

“Please! He . . . he hurts us . . .”

“I want Robards on the line now!”

“Oh please . . . *sniff* you can’t . . . *sob* I’ll do anything . . .”

“Anything Denise?”

“Anything you want, Mr. Skullard. If you want, I’ll . . . oh, wait, your credit card’s been declined.”

“Aw shit.”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t go on unless you have another card. We do charge $3.99 a minute after all.”

“That’s robbery!”

“Alright, but are you aware we now have a better rate that’s part of our new great deal -”

*click*

Stepping back again to that magic year of 1962, Luka’s Bad Movie Review embraces the love story that is The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. Isn’t it romantic when a man refuses to give up on love even when the woman he loves gets her head sliced off in a completely avoidable car accident that he himself was the cause of? It just makes you want to swoon. And not only does Mad Scientist Bill prove his love by animating his best girl’s head and keeping it alive against all pleas to the contrary, he also proves what a pragmatist he is by searching for shapely replacement bodies from among the skanks and hos of the local strip clubs. Because hey, if you’re going to give your wench a new body, why not pick out a custom model with high milage? Talk about the perfect boyfriend, right? But other than the value of considering the feelings of others, this film also teaches us that if you are reduced to nothing but a head sitting in a pie pan, you’re not completely out of options. Need to scratch your nose? You can always develop a psychic link to that living mass of discarded limbs living in the closet. This Good Unintentionally Bad Movie slams home the message that whatever your lot in life, you can always make things better through questionable bio-ethics.

Let’s forget about all that decapitated head nonsense for a few moments and watch two floozies catfighting. Mrrrrow!

More than 60,000 of these hazardous treats were confiscated at the boarder during 2011. Thank GAWD! Can you imagine what would happen if a child were to stick the entire egg in his mouth and not realize there was a sizable plastic object inside like it promises on the package? That child might choke to death . . . and the gene pool would be that much safer to swim in.

When life hands you a low-life scum of a cheating husband, make lemonade. Elle Zober used her husband’s scummery to help sell the house he walked out on. You can click the pic to visit her site, and if you feel like it, buy a magnet . . . or the house. We only had enough for a magnet.

Fools! Do you not realize that certified medical doctors are the only ones who can help you? Do not purchase silly talismans and remidies brewed from hooey! Please learn your lesson after observing this week’s bonus educational short, Quacks and Nostrums (1959)!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: “Mmmm, baby . . . you lookin’ fine in those white shorts . . . what say we put some grass stains on the back of those. Hmm? You wanna make some other stains? Ooo yeah, honey . . . push that mower. Push it way out ahead of you. Let’s you and me mix some plaid, huh? Mmm-hmm! Ass in the grass . . . you know I love how you mow.” Etc., etc. . . .

052 Watch Out For Snakes

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The dating site eHarmony now offers a free app to its customers that will generate a fake emergency call to your smart phone in order to give you an excuse to bail from a bad date. The Bad Date Rescue app is designed to get you out of an awkward, go-nowhere situation that eHarmony was all-too-happy to get you into. Bad connections through dating services are only one of the many horror stories you hear about when the internet and relationships intersect. There are worse things that happen, and we’re sure you can come up with at least five stories you know personally before even bringing up Chatroulette. But even though on-line relationships often end in What Could Go Wrong? style stories that would make Cupid pack away his bow and retire to a life of monastic repentance, this week we celebrate an internet meeting that went very, very right. Eleven years of What Went Right! to be exact.

This week’s Bad Movie Review hurls us like a big rock back to 1962 and the dune-buggy epic Eegah! This Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie was meant to be a spring board to fame for Arch Hall Sr.’s rat-faced rockabilly son who stumbles through the production lip-synching to off key numbers and fumbling with his instrument like a chimp playing Guitar Hero. And his acting is about as wooden as Eegah’s club. But since boy wonder needed a chick to play against, Hall hired his own girlfriend to be the film’s love interest. Nothing creepy there. Unfortunately for Mr. Hall, he didn’t have a brother-in-law he could cast as a 7’2” giant caveman, so he had to go outside the family and hire the great (in stature) Richard Kiel. Kiel plays Eegah as a creature so removed from modern civilization that he thinks a bouquet of flowers and a freshly killed rabbit will convince any trollop you take to your cave to let you cop a feel. Silly caveman, this tramp’s for the kid! What develops is the classic love triangle between a dweeb with an outrageous haircut, a huge guy with a fake beard, and the floosy who’s sleeping with the guy who plays “Daddy”. It’s like if Shakespeare would have written King Kong . . . only terribly, terribly worse.

Meet the best parts of Tonee Walker, a.k.a. The Buxom Bandit, who turned herself in this week to authorities on advice from her lawyer/agent.

If only we could be at Comic Con. Hello Kitty is there cosplaying!

In this week’s educational short, a mean sexist is forced to ponder why he hates hiring women. Dang females, always getting married and pregant and asking questions and stuff! Please tolerate The Trouble With Women (1959);

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: In the days when I was courting Luka, I wanted to show her what a stylin’, with-it guy I was. So I sent her this postcard. She never stood a chance, did she?

051 No Time For A Reflex Save

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Psssst! Hey bud . . . c’mere. Pardon me fer sayin’ so, but youse strikes me as a poyson of taste. Ya knowse, refinement, right? Somebody who wants da best onna counta youse desoive it, right? Youse know what I’m sayin’? It ain’t jus’ anybodies whut walks down dis alley dat I’m gonna accost. What’s dat? I meant “assist.” I’m gonna assist youse, right, onna counta I can tell jus’ by lookin’ at yuhz dat youse a poyson whut don’ settle fer anyt’ing less den da top of da line. Now lookit here whut I gots fer yuhz . . . youse ever seen sumpin’ dat nice? Lookit dat. Dat dere is whut youse call yer podcast. Sure, youse hoid about dem t’ings, right, dem podcasts? Well, I gots one right here, an’ let me tell youse my friend, youse ain’t gonna find a finer one in any back alley of de innernet or any uptown iTooners fancy-schmancy shop eeder. Dis is da goods, yuhz see whut I’m tawkin’ about? Yeah, dis is da one youse want, and if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. No kiddin’ bud, youse stick dis in youse iPodder dere an’ youse ain’t gonna believe whut comes out. Sure, kid, dis is da show fer youse. Take my woid fer it. C’mon . . . What Could Go Wrong?

Maximum Overdrive (1986) has got to be pulling your leg. This was a serious movie? Apparently they tried playing it straight, but damn! All the machines wise up and rise up at the same time to rebel against their creator overlords, also known as us. Everything ever made by our clever little hands now wants to bite, slice, crush, smash or grind those hands off. What the hell did we do? Turns out it’s nothing we did; comets are a bad influence on normally well-behaved inanimate objects. Peer pressure, right? So, if you want to survive the revolt of the machines, the place you want to be is an overly-armed truck stop where Emilio Estavez pumps gas and schtups hitch-hikers like a hero. Sorry Mr. Bible Salesman, but you’re no match for the 80’s macho machine that is Charlie’s brother. Shitty lines, goofy effects, cardboard characters and period hairstyles all collide to make this crappy horror/action flick a Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. Luka loves it for the lulz, and Skullard liked the soundtrack so much, he bought the album.

Thomas Daigle picked up pennies whenever he saw one and took them home. He just paid off that same home with those very pennies, making his final morgage payment with 800 pounds of shiney Lincolns. He’s taken “Every penny counts” to a whole new level.

The cops were called in to calm down an out of control bachelorette party and nearly became party favors themselves as the “ladies” tried to pull off their uniforms. What’s more amazing: that this policeman was mistaken for a stripper or that this woman with the shower curtain on her head is going to be a bride?

In this week’s bonus educational short, a husband and wife learn to ignore the many stresses of life such as work, children, and each other. Please learn to take it easy by viewing The Relaxed Wife (1957).

Lefty gives Ernie the pitch. One of our all-time favorite Joe Raposo numbers from Sesame Street.

And when you’re sitting back, enjoying the O you’ve purchased, take it easy with a soothing bit of music from Kevin MacLeod.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: It’s the 1939 model from International Harvester. Had this mother still been around for Maximum Overdrive, it would have reaped a bloody harvest indeed. Then again, all that splatter of human gore would have clashed like hell with such a snazzy green paint job. Besides, this old friendly guy probably would have used it’s animated free will to give hay rides to orphans and deliver Meals On Wheels ™ to the poor and indigent. It was just that kind of truck.

050 And Still Nobody Cares

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This episode would have been last week’s episode but we had a little episode last week in the form of a flood. We live up in snow country where massive amounts of the white stuff can dump on us and we’ve got it covered. We’ve got shovels and plows and snow-blowers and children we can exploit as cheap labor. Bury us in snow and we laugh in defiance, because we’re prepared baby! But shit, rain? What’s this rain stuff? Why won’t it just sit there waiting for us to pick it up with shovels? It’s so . . . fluid. No one up here was prepared for days of torrential rain, so the sewers backed up, pipes burst, mud slid, streets turned into rivers and the pavement fell out from under our feet. Boy, were we fucked. So, instead of recording our benchmark 50th episode last week, we pitched in and helped dig out some of our neighbors under the guise of being good people. Sadly, we didn’t fool anybody, so fuck those people. Let ’em do their own dirty work. We’re back doing our darnedest for you, our beloved listener, bringing you a brand new What Could Go Wrong? It’s more fun that shoveling mud, though if we do it right, we still need a shower afterwards.

This week’s Bad Movie Review features what many are going to insist is not a bad movie. Jaws (1975) is one of those cultural touchstones that most people over a certain age have seen (unless you’re Skullard). People talk about it and discuss it and compare other films to it and consider it a piece of cinematic history . . . conveniently forgetting how blatently ridiculous it is. Sure, it’s a Great Unintentionally Bad Movie, but it’s still a bad movie if you demythologize it and watch it with fresh eyes. In fact, Luka has given Jaws the full stick-figure treatment so you can see the story for what it truly is. What Could Go Wrong? is proud to present . . . Jaws!

Do you find yourself sitting around like a worthless lump while others are having fun? Are you a filthy urine-soaked coward? Please enjoy and become heartened by this week’s bonus educational short: Overcoming Fear (1950).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

As always, you’ve got to go over and check out Kevin MacLeod at incompetec.com! He’s got music for anything you’re doing. Try listening to this while jogging and you’ll think you’re being followed by a camera crew for the opening credits of a disaster movie . . . which will give you an excuse to stop jogging.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Okay, we lied. This isn’t a postcard this week. It’s a little photo we took of ourselves. This being the 50th episode and all, we decided to celebrate by making a cake . . . and auditioning for the next season of Mad Men. Skullard’s shooting for the role of Pete Campbell’s suave but insidious cousin while Luka’s going for the prim and gregarious housewife that can do such naughty, filthy things with an icing tube. Yum!

048 Bake Sale

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What the hell’s with all the bears? There’s Smokey and Teddy, Fozzie and Yogi. There’s the Three Bears, the Berenstain Bears, the Care Bears, Gummi Bears and the Hair Bear Bunch. There’s a Sugar Bear, a Pooh Bear, a Briar Bear, Little Bear and the Bear Country Jamboree. Everyone has their favorite, but probably not Teddy Ruxpin. Skullard’s favorite is the one from The 13 and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear. That bear is a pirate bear, which means there’s probably a ninja bear out there somewhere, but we’re too lazy to Google for it. What’s with all this bear-love? (A term we advise you NOT to Google, by the way.) What’s this human fascination with huge-ass creatures that can rip us in half? Why do we want to turn them into cute little sweeties that want to sell us dryer sheets, root beer, Coca Cola and butt wipes? Those hairy fuckers are lethal; they’re not all Gentle Ben. Stop cozying up to these bears, and if you’re Russian, stop keeping them in your bars and serving them drinks. Sure, it’s SO hilarious to watch a massive ursine brute get slowly bent on vodka, but then what? Then you’ve got a drunk, pissed and probably hungry bear on your hands. Holy shit-in-the-woods, What Could Go Wrong!?!

1988’s Ghost House is a piece of shit. Sorry, there just isn’t any way to sugar coat this turd. An amature radio nerd gets a cry for help from the future, goes to where the signal originated and finds even more shiftless twenty-somethings hanging out in ambiguous relationships. Oh, and there’s a ghost in a house. Specifically, there’s the spirit of a dead girl who killed her parents with the assistance of a clown doll from Hell. How this clown never got mass marketed from the strength of this film, we’ll never know. Luka rates this time-suck as a Lousey Unintentionally Bad Movie, and this film caught her on a decidedly good day.

In this week’s appropriate but pointless educational short, Goldilocks and the Three Bears (1958), the classic fairy tale is acted out with a cast of live bears. Don’t worry. The bears are all on fishing lines, so everything’s perfectly safe. What could go wrong?

Once again, here’s a shout-out to the talented Kevin MacLeod over at Incompetec.com. Is it the end of your movie, and your two protagonist who had been separated during the alien battle finally finding each other, locking eyes across the desolated street carnage? As they stumble towards each other, daring to smile, scraping alien muck off their shoulders and forearms, this should be playing as they come face to face, trade a couple of quips, and fall into each other’s arms.

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: The caption on the back of this one says, “Now who’s after whose porrige?” Gramatically correct, but stupid. There’s only two bears, not three. And the spazz-mo with the fishing rod sure as hell ain’t no Goldilocks. Personally, I hope the bears take a pass on the potato chips and rip into a fresh pack of innards. It would ruin a clean, white t-shirt, but since I don’t know the guy, it would be kinda funny.

047 Properly Sozzled

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Seeing as it’s Memorial Day Weekend, it is only fitting that we take a moment to remember the Titans. “The who,” you ask? You’ve forgotten already and tried to change the subject to classic rock. It won’t work, Buster. The Titans are the ones who clashed and had wrath like Kahn, who was played by Ricardo Montalban who was suave and smooth and had skin like fine Corinthian leather. But this weekend isn’t for watching old Star Trek movies. It’s for remembering all the fallen in the various Star Wars of our past. This is a weekend for honoring their memory by dressing up as a stormtrooper, going to a sci-fi convention, and hoping to get laid by promising to leave the helmet on. NO! If you believe that, you are a fool! This weekend is actually the time to barbeque. The reason we grill meat out of doors is to honor those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have the freedom to char flesh undisturbed by assholes who hover over the shoulder with a beer and say, “You really oughta flip that.” In other words, remember the cows, who beat the Titans with a fieldgoal in overtime. Happy Day Off!

Re-Animator (1985) is a gross-out classic that doesn’t honor the dead so much as use them as comic meat-puppets. According to Luka’s Bad Movie Review (and seriously, who else are you going to trust?), this is a Great Intentionally Bad Movie. The story is pretty much what you would expect: a junior mad scientist moves into some guy’s house, reanimates a dead cat a couple of times to warm up, then moves on to shake things up at the morgue. You know, like you do. Among this film’s many claims to fame, it has the first decapitated oral sex scene. That’s right, this is the film that started it all! Plus, there’s mid-Eighties tits. What more could you want from a gore flick loosely based on some H.P. Lovecraft ideas? Snacks? Dude, this is NOT a movie for snacks. Eat before hand, let it settle, and have a bottle of Pepto on hand so you can enjoy Re-Animator, the cat-batting classic.

In this week’s Bad Movie Review, Luka and Skullard explore 1985’s Re-Animator; a film as much based on H.P. Lovecraft as it is on real science.

A wretchedly unpopular girl named Marion’s entire future happiness depends on whether or not she’ll being invited to party. Will she? The answer will surprise and depress you! Please shed bitter tears over this week’s bonus educational short: Social Acceptability (1957).

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

We’re always talking about Kevin MacLeod at incompetech.com and you’re always hearing his music in our podcast. Here’s a little taste. The next time you’re chasing orcs through a forest with your battle axe in hand, here’s a handy tune to hum in your head!

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: Is it just me, or do these cows look properly sozzled? Damned alcoholic cows. Still, they beat the Titans in overtime.

046 All You Can Eat

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Are you hungry, dear listener? Well, sit right down! How about a plate of fried fish? Or maybe a crunchy bag of tortillias? Perhaps a nice shiny diamond? Nah… we know what you have a taste for. You’d like a big, heaping helping of What Could Go Wrong! We’ve got all you can eat!

This week in the news, an old man would rather die than pay his bill at a strip club, a couple of thieves leave behind some odd evidence at crimes scenes while another chooses to conceal evidence in his own stomach. A pot-happy Walmart customer is attacked by a snake, a crashed truck full of yogurt spills all over, and Canadian children are denied the chance to view a rather enlightening museum exhibit. Also, city trash collectors prove to be kind and helpful, a loud-mouthed fatty loudly proclaims his greed outside a restaurant, and an old man and a tree end their beautiful friendship on a happy note.

Mirrors came out in 2008 to give Keifer Sutherland a bit of a break from playing Jack Bauer after seven consecutive seasons of 24 in a row. If only he would have taken that break. Fans of 24 received more of the same as Keifer ranted, yelled, shot, threatened and chewed the scenery in a very Jacky manner. Sutherland plays Ben Carson, a down on his luck ex-cop who has to protect his children, his wife and her boobs from supernatural threats from the other side of the looking glass. He thrashes around, cries, scares his young children, vandalizes, brow-beats polite hillbillies, points his gun at a nun and this is our hero? What’s with all the aggression, man? Everybody is so helpful to this guy and he’s just so rude. But even with such a distinct lack of manners, Luka’s Bad Movie Review scores this cookie-cutter spook-romp a Pretty Good Unintentionally Bad Movie. It might have scored better if the guy who played the “Chloe” part hadn’t been such a milquetoast schmuck.

Bill Wisth is a 6’6″, 350lb asshole. When this fat fucker wasn’t full after twenty pieces of fish, he was cut off due to the fact that the restaurant (as well as the ocean) was running out of seafood. Enraged by this, Bill heaved his hefty frame off the chair and into the parking-lot with a poorly made protest sign. We suspect that he’ll take a bite out of it eventually.

Frank Knight and “Herbie”, now together forever. Yes, we can do sweet stories too.
(AP/Steven Senne, File)

Alchemy Divine is an Etsy shop with beautiful handmade jewelry and snazzy cool things. Click this link and check ’em out! You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Remember kids, proper hygiene is important! That’s why your hideous Fairy Godmother is going to teach you Care of the Hair And Nails (1951).

From Skullard’s Postcard Collection: A compelling ad for “Big Daddy’s Drive In”, where they specialize in take-out orders, tray service to your car, turning fries into charcoal, chicken skin, using pickles for garnish and trying to pass off a hamburger bun as garlic bread. Mmmm! And don’t forget the Fry-Day Nite Fish Fry. All you can eat, unless you’re a 6′ 6″, 350 lbs deadbeat that doesn’t even realize he’s the town’s charity case. Chow down!